Me vs. the Tooth Fairy 2
Life of Destruction
A short story written by Alvin Atwater
I
Okay…yesterday, everything as I knew it went wrong for me. My plot to annihilate the tooth fairy failed miserably. So now….I’m stuck with her. If you’ve read story one, then I’m pretty sure you’re ready for me to live up to my promise. You know, the one about me telling you how life is living with the tooth fairy or alternately how I got rid of her (if I did). So without further ado, yes those words are cliché (be thankful I’m revealing this to you) I, Kevin Winnfield will continue the story…trust me. What happens here is unexpected…I think…
Wednesday morning…
The tooth fairy and I stood face to face, glaring each other down. Well, I glared, but that’s beside the point. She’s was still here, in my house, unaffected by the anti-tooth fairy traps I bought off the internet.
“Kevin, you look as if you’ve seen a ghost,” she said. “Are you feeling well?” She reached for my face but I avoided her non-sanitized hands.
“If you must insist on sexual harassment, please wash your hands first,” I said in a calm voice. Though aghast, I just had to accept that it was going to take more than mediocre anti-tooth fairy traps to get rid of her. I didn’t want to admit it but the tooth fairy was simply playing with me. That naïve blonde attitude –that had to be a mask to guise her real power. How else could have she walked through all of my anti-tooth fairy traps unscratched? I spent good money on those! Back to the drawing board… You know, even after all of these years, she’s still humiliating me. Who does she think she is anyway?
“I’ve taken a shower,” she said in a non-chalet voice. “If my hands aren’t clean by just that –then I’ll have to get new soap.”
....What? I hurried to my shower expecting to see a catastrophe, but instead, my shower was four thousand times cleaner than before. Holy crap!
“Kevin…who is that…?”
That innocent voice made me race back my room.
“I’m th –”
“That’s Casey,” I lied.
“Oooh, pretty wings,” Kelly continued.
“She likes to …pretend to be the tooth fairy!”
“But...”
I gave the tooth fairy a look that said, “Please play along.”
Surprisingly, she did –nodding and shaking her head to every little question Kelly asked. Eventually, the summer school bus appeared through the driveway. I walked her to the bus stop and waved her off. Now to take care of the big problem.
I hurried back into the house. The smell of a good breakfast whistled through my nose. Wait… my parents are always working –which left me only one conclusion. I darted into the kitchen and froze. There was a feast on the table –much like thanksgiving…Should I even bother naming the foods? I mean yes, this sounds cliché, but turkeys, chicken, duck, roast, fruits pies, rice –you get the point. My stomach howled like a wolf and then growled like a dying mutt.
“I hope you have an appetite,” said the tooth fairy. Oh I did… I hardly slept last night, and barely even ate. I was starving!
I dashed to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and did all the usual morning stuff normal human beings did and then hurried back into the kitchen. The tooth fairy pulled out a chair and I sat. My stomach pretty much took over my brain because I ate the food and even said, “This is amazing. Your cooking is even better than my mom’s.”
After I said those words….I felt a relapse strike my head like a bolt of lightning. JUST WHAT AM I DOING!? I should be getting rid of this nuisance before my parents find her here and then I get in trouble. The results would turn out like this: plans failed, unable to reverse the effects of failed plans, and then punishment. Dad in particular would turn me into a workhorse. 20 hour days!
I also can’t let anyone find out that she’s the tooth fairy or otherwise I’ll never be able to wipe away her existence.
II
“How long are you planning to annoy me?” I asked after breakfast. We were sitting in the living room. The tooth fairy chuckled, as if I made a joke.
“Have anyone ever complimented you for your brilliant sense of humor,” she said. Ouch. I knew she was putting “I’m not going anywhere,” in nice terms, which meant she declared war against me.
“Have anyone complimented yours?” I responded sarcastically. The tooth fairy smiled. I grabbed my laptop and did a Google search on warding away mythical creatures. I came up with a website that appeared to have legitimate instructions –but don’t get me wrong, that was just a mere assumption.
The tooth fairy flopped herself over my shoulder and asked, “What are you doing?” She glanced at my laptop screen. “Destroying mythical creatures. What’s a mystical creature? Are you doing homework?” Blah blah blah…
Five….four….three…I slowly counted down the time before I exploded in my head. “Can I try out this thing?” the tooth fairy continued. Two…one…Just before I had the thought of letting out a violent yell a link caught my attention. I hovered the mouse over it and clicked. The link took me to the webpage which read: Having a mythical creature problem –preferably the tooth fairy? Too ashamed of her beauty –no. You’re annoyed with her intellect aren’t you? Or even better: you’re on some hopeless quest of revenge! Then have no fear, there’s a way to get rid of the tooth fairy once and for all. Click HERE for more info.
I obeyed the link as if it were instinct. It took me to another webpage. This one read: BUY NOW. This is the only way, the fastest way, and the most effective way to getting your life back. We can’t just give out such a valuable secret free of charge. Why do you think this site was so hard to find?
I didn’t trust the link –most likely it was a scam, but since I managed to get this far –you know, capturing the tooth fairy and what not, scams no longer phased me. I clicked the link, filled out the order form, and clicked “purchase.” Same day shipping…
“Hey…Kevin….I’m bored. Wanna play a board game?”
I see what she did there…I smirked. That aside, I felt eager, motivated. Whatever this thing is –if it sets me free, I’ll finally be able to rest in peace.
“Sure,” I said. “Who knows? This may be the last time we’ll be competing with each other.”
“Oh don’t say that,” the tooth fairy laughed. She clapped her hand once. A ball of flashing light hovered over the table in front of us. Within seconds, it morphed into Checkers, the board game. I chuckled to myself, thinking a game of checkers with the brainless tooth fairy was going to be way too easy.
III
NOT. The tooth fairy countered ALL of my strategies. In fact, she made me seem like a newbie. This is what happens when you get cocky. You not only lose, but you no longer carry dignity. The tooth fairy and I played checkers over and over throughout the day –even when Kelly got home. Luckily my parents called and announced a sudden business trip. I didn’t beat the tooth fairy once. (I did find it strange that my parents announced a trip without coming home, providing this convenience. What are the odds of something like this ever happening?)
“Damn,” I said softly. “You’re too good at this game.” That compliment was probably not going to be the last…We switched to other games: Uno, Poker, War, Yugioh, Hearts –you name it. She was impossible to beat…but somewhat fun to compete against. Normally, I was on the nearly-unbeatable side (against people of course).
Just then, the doorbell rang. “Package for Mr. Winnfield.”
I knew this mystery thing arrived. “Be back in a sec,” I told the tooth fairy. I glanced at the time. 8PM.
“Here you go,” the delivery guy said as he handed me a small package. He started for his truck.
“Uhm…do I need to sign anything?” I called after him.
“Oh no,” he said quickly. “Just take the thing and oh…please be careful.” He hurried into his truck, smashed the gas petal (I could tell), and sped off. What could be in this little box? I glanced at the tooth fairy. Whatever it is within the box must be extremely dangerous –which meant the website was right. It can eliminate the tooth fairy. But why did the delivery guy run off like that? Would I be caught in the crossfire? No, that couldn’t be it. He simply told me to be careful. Which meant, I won’t die –but I’m possibly in danger. After all, the effects of this object could possibly cause the tooth fairy to go mentally insane until she finally disappeared…I’m not going to lie, I had…fun today. In fact, it’s been a while. I’m not sure if I want to…..Suddenly….the image of the past reentered my mind. The humiliation, my friends laughing at me, the soaking revenge of my childhood –all of it flooded my thoughts. I was once again angry at the tooth fairy. I stared at her. She looked like someone’s dream girl with wings.
I walked back into the living room and sat parallel from her.
“Are you up for dinner?” she asked.
“Not really,” I replied as I glanced at the tiny box. I paid for it…but now…it scared me. What was inside? What could have made the delivery guy hurry away so fast? Shoot –the fact that same day delivery was offered for this object and this object only made me even more curious.
“Ooh, a package! What’s inside?” asked the tooth fairy. “A present? It is your birthday? Did a relative send it to you? Can I see? Or is it a secret?”
I placed my finger on her lip, indicating that her questions were getting annoying. “Shh!” I hissed. “Kelly’s sleeping.” I removed my finger.
“Sorry,” she said. “Things like this excite me.”
I could feel how she focused on the package –skyrocketing my curiosity even more. Well, my original plan was to eliminate the tooth fairy anyway, so I may as well follow through. The faster I do this, the faster I get this over with and then I won’t have anything to explain to my parents.
“I guess I’ll open this thing,” I said softly. My cellphone suddenly rang. I answered it.
“Hello?”
“Doom approaches…Doom approaches….Doom approaches,” some idiot recited over and over again on the other line.
“What? Dude –shut up. Why would you call me repeating this?”
“Doom approaches. Doom approaches…”
“Dude.” Okay…this had to be a joke. “Look, if you want to have a conversation, just do so. Otherwise, I’ll do the cliché thing and hang up. You don’t scare me. The delivery guy already warned me about this package. So blah, blah, blah, doom approaches –whatever.”
“Well in that case,” said the guy on the other line, “how was your day?”
“Adequate,” I replied. “Now tell me about this package.”
“No. Just open it…but if I were you, I’d burn it. The tooth fairy is a very kind and innocent creature. If she has fallen for you, you’ll have good luck forever.”
“Who are you?” I asked
The guy on the other line chuckled. “I’m just the owner of the company that sold you that item. Oh and no refunds!” He hung up. Moron. Seriously, if I’m going to have such good luck, then why is my doom approaching? Why can’t I get a refund on this package? I paid sixty-nine, ninety-five it! I could’ve bought something useful with that! Well, since I spent the money on it and everyone was making a big fuss over this package, I’ll give it a try. I glanced at the tooth fairy once more. Her innocent blue eyes almost…almost stopped me from opening the package. But…if she doesn’t leave, my parents will kill me, call the police, and then someone else will steal my thunder.
I reached for the package and tore at it.
IV
There was a small flute inside the box and a note that read: simply play a single note and you’ll be satisfied. Okay, let’s try it.
“I want to play it!” exclaimed the tooth fairy. I was tempted out of curiosity but too much curiosity can kill things. Besides, she may play something as bad as Row the Boat or Mary Had a Little Lamb. She’s a kid’s legend, remember.
“Maybe later,” I told her. I washed the mouthpiece of the flute with Extreme Cleaner (there’s no telling who or what could’ve used this) and then played an E note.
Just then, the lights begin to flash rapidly.
“What –what’s happening!?” I exclaimed, nervously. Part of me was afraid, the other, surprised that something actually happened.
“I don’t know,” answered the tooth fairy. “Is that a magic flute?”
I made sure to keep my distance from her –after all, this thing could make her explode or turn into a monster –who knows? The lights stopped flashing after about a minute.
“That was weird…” I said softly.
“Tell me about it,” a voice said behind me. I froze and slowly turned around. An attractive girl with black hair and…bat-like wings stood, holding a grey…wand? “I thought I’d never get out of there!” she hugged me. “Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!”
“Wha –wha –what’s going on!? Who are you!?”
The black haired girl smirked.
“Hey –I know you,” said the tooth fairy. She wasn’t smiling like usual –there was anger in her eyes. “You’re the tooth demon.”
“There’s a tooth demon?” I asked.
“Yes,” said the black haired girl. She released me and turned to the tooth fairy. Holy crap…this flute was for summoning the tooth demon!? And they didn’t look like friends. Now the tooth fairy and the tooth demon were almost like twins. The difference were between eye and hair color. The tooth demon had black hair and green eyes. The tooth fairy had blonde hair and blue eyes.
“So you were hiding in that flute?” the tooth fairy interrogated.
“I don’t think so,” replied the tooth demon. “You fairies imprisoned me there just because my job is to give children cavities. That can’t be helped.”
“But it’s wrong.”
The tooth demon shook her head. “What’s it to ya? Why are you fairies so unintelligent?” She had a point…and I wanted to know the answer to that question as well.
“Why are demons so evil?” the tooth fairy struck back. “What’s the point of being evil –it gets you nowhere.”
“Who said we tooth demon were –you know what, shut up!” She looked at me –I shivered –and then turned back to the tooth fairy. “I’m assuming you were being a nuisance to Kevin and so he bought this flute. You know, I should thank you for assisting with my freedom.”
She placed her arm around me. How did she know my name? The tooth fairy didn’t have mind-reading abilities. “You’re no longer needed here –I’ll watch over Kevin. This is your warning.” Uh oh. Things felt like they were about to get ugly. But if I let that happen, my house would be destroyed and how will I explain this to my parents. “Mythical creatures did it.” Yeah, who’s going to believe that?
“I’m not going anywhere,” snarled the tooth fairy. She somehow made a wand appear in her hands and pointed it at the tooth demon. “Get away from him!”
“Finally, I’ve waited for an opportunity to blow you fairies away.” The tooth demon took aim with her wand. Oh no!
“Wait!” I yelled. Awkward freeze and silence as they looked at me. “Please, take this outside. I don’t want my house or my little sister destroyed.”
The tooth demon placed her hand on my face. “Anything for you –you’ve set me free.”
She walked outside, followed by the tooth fairy… Who knew the tooth fairy had a tougher (or violent) side to her. I like it! If they kill each other in this battle, then I’d have two birds knocked out with a single stone. I stepped outside to watch. The intensity (even though the tooth demon smirked) on their faces made me nervous. They stared each other down for about a minute and then the tooth demon yawned.
“I’m hungry,” she said, “and tired.” She turned to me. “I need a place to sleep.”
….See those dots before this sentence –that’s what ran through my mind. “Are you serious?”
“Preferably a piece of furniture to sleep on consisting of a soft comfortable called a mattress and base.”
The tooth fairy yawned. “I’m tired too. I’ll sleep in Kevin’s bed again.”
ARGH! Apparently mythical creatures had short attention spans.
“I’ll make dinner,” volunteered the tooth fairy. “Too bad Kelly’s asleep.”
Both of their wands disappeared as they headed back into my house…Come on! What about the epic battle which consisted of their deaths? I only had a matter of time before my parents find them out. Kelly didn’t even know about the tooth demon –but I assumed, she’d go with the same excuse I used for the tooth fairy.
V
The tooth demon stared at me as the tooth fairy made dinner appear by magic. I glanced at the clock. 8:45 PM.
“Humans are so interesting…particularly you.” The tooth demon made a notepad and pencil appear within her grasps. “You give off an aura which sooths non-human beings.”
“What –the –are you taking notes on me!?” I said with a slightly raised voice mixed with an upward inflection.
“Of course. When I’m not doing my job, I’m studying humans.”
I face palmed. Why is this happening to me? Even worse –I can’t do anything about it. I sighed. The tooth demon had this mischievous look in her eyes. Of course she probably planned her next moves but was too tired and hungry to execute even a percentage of them. Not good –I’ve got to get rid of them.
I grabbed my laptop, went to the website in which I ordered the flute, and clicked HELP AND SUPPORT.
It linked me to a chat room with a live agent. Here’s how the conversation went:
Agent: Hi, how are you? Help and Support, how may I help you?
Me: I ordered a flute from you guys, which summoned the tooth demon, but she’s not getting rid of the tooth fairy. In fact, she seems to be up to something.
Agent: …
Me: Hello?
Agent: Well…uh…
Me: Well uh…can you help me please?
Agent: I’m surprised the tooth demon hasn’t destroyed the fairy. I guess those years spent inside her flute prison made her less violent.
Me: I don’t care. How do I get rid of them?
Agent: Why not just allow them to fight and kill each other
Me: ….well, for starters, I like my house. Second, they were about to duke it out until the tooth demon suddenly got tired and hungry.
Agent: Oh. That sucks for you. HAHAHAHA. I’m sorry for laughing. It’s just…well, our products have never, ever, failed. Give it some time. The tooth demon and the tooth fairy are archenemies. Have you ever noticed that the tooth fairy’s attitude changes around her?
Me: Well, yeah. She’s a bit violent herself.
Agent: Exactly, my boy.
Me: …my boy?
Agent: Stay professional…Anyway, since they’re enemies, they’re bound to duke it out eventually. Just make sure they’re in an isolated area or at least outside.
Me: I don’t want to wait for that to happen. My parents could be at home at any time. Help me get rid of them!
Agent: I don’t like your attitude. Anyway, if they like you, you’re in total command of them. You could rule the world if you wanted to.
Me: DUDE. I just want them gone. Please help me.
Agent: …fine.
*Disconnects*
Seriously? Why? I wanted to locate that agent and just punch him. What crappy customer service.
“What site are you on?”
I turned around and the tooth demon was right in my face…She attempted to kiss me, but the tooth fairy placed a thin book in her way.
“Dinner’s ready,” she said as she glared at the tooth demon.
Dinner was awkward. I mean, I ate with mythical creatures –nothing could make this any better. They were both quite –and for some reason, it felt like they were competing over something. If only I didn’t play the stupid flute. Now I have two nuisances to defeat.
VI
Morning…
I felt something shaking me…What? I opened my eyes and immediately frowned. No…grimaced is a better word. Both the tooth demon and tooth fairy hovered over me.
“Wake up, sleepy head,” said the tooth fairy.
“Do so, or Kelly will have yet another cavity,” threatened the tooth demon. I glanced at the clock in the living room (both of the “mythicals” slept in my room) and sighed. 6:58 AM. This was probably going to be one unpredictable Thursday. No…I couldn’t let it begin this way but –unfortunately it did. I ended up eating the tooth fairy’s breakfast after sending Kelly off to summer school. Oh, before that, I had to introduce Kelly to yet another costume-wearing weirdo. I wouldn’t blame her if she became even a tad suspicious.
“Okay, you two…let’s take a walk.” I said.
“I don’t know…”began the tooth demon, “I really don’t like the sun.”
“Neither do I,” I said, “but I don’t complain. Now let’s go.”
“Fine.”
I led them both to an abandoned park. Now…it was time to execute a plan…but what? What could I used to get rid of both a demon and a fairy?
“You’re in my shade!” I heard the tooth demon bark, snapping me out of my line of thought.
“Just move over slightly,” said the tooth fairy. “I wish to talk to the tree spirit.”
Tree spirit? What the….That aside, they were at it again, like little children.
“No! You’re starting to annoy me, pathetic fairy.”
“You’re just being selfish,” snarled the tooth fairy. “But I guess I can’t expect anything better from demon.”
“That’s it, I’ve had enough of you.” The tooth demon made her wand appear within her grasps. The tooth fairy did the same. That was easy and it took no effort at all. If they made each other disappear, I’d be free and my parents won’t roast me. Even though nuisances…I also felt annoyed that they didn’t get along. From the moment I summoned the tooth demon, they fought and fought and fought…..and fought…..AND FOUGHT! Hopefully this would mark their last time…
The tooth demon waved her wand and then pointed it at the tooth fairy. LIGHTNING EMITTED OUT OF IT…Seriously…. The tooth fairy countered it with lightning as well. I kept my distance –several yards –from that electric showdown.
“Just give up, you useless fairy. I bet you did something as stupid as giving Kevin an I-owe-you when he was a child,” taunted the tooth demon, her lightning increasing in size.
“Like you’re the one to talk,” bellowed the tooth fairy. “You have a job giving children cavities. Do you know how awful that is? You’re the enemy of all growing life.” Her lightning increased in size too.
Let me explain this in a better sense of what I watched. Picture two people holding wands which released thousands of volts of dangerous lightning continuously. Get too close –and you die.
“Okay, these two will eventually kill each other,” I said softly and quietly tiptoed away. No joke, I felt like a cartoon character as I did it too. Life…is strange but now I’m free!
***
I lazily opened the door and headed for my room with an intention of making up for last night’s sleep. What I saw not only made me think of the apocalypse but confused me as well. Deeply confused me. Both the tooth fairy and the tooth demon were on my bed playing…checkers…CHECKERS! My laptop was also open next to the tooth demon with a Help and Support browser open.
Agent: How can I help you?
Me (which is actually the tooth demon): Go die.
Agent: Excuse me?
Me: I will rot away all of your teeth. Then every woman you meet will point, scream, and then throw toothpaste at you.
Agent: But…I’m a woman.
Me: No you’re not…You’re a human male pretending to be a woman in attempt to poorly counter my threat. Unfortunately, the only person you’re able to fool is yourself and the manager that’s standing behind you.
Agent: How do –oh crap.
(Agent has disconnected…)
I face palmed. Multiple times. They were supposed to be killing each other…Why were they here!?
“Kevin, who do you like best?” asked the tooth demon.
“Wha…”
“He’s engaged to me!” exclaimed the tooth fairy. “So that means he likes me the most.”
“Well you know what,” continued the tooth demon, “he’s now engaged to me too. So ha!”
“You can’t do that! He was engaged to me first.”
The anger finally reached my brain and I yelled, “Will you both just SHUTT…UPPP!!!”
I sat in a chair nearby the tooth fairy. The rest of my echo finally faded from the room. “Do you both have homes?”
“Here,” they both said simultaneously. Guilt routine failed…
I face palmed…Okay, it was time to pull out the big guns. Even if it was going to cost a fortune, I wanted to do whatever it took to annihilate the tooth fairy and the tooth demon. I snatched my laptop and while they played checkers, I drowned myself on search engine after search engine until I came upon yet another strange website. Its policy was like this:
Have a mythical creature problem? Need to get rid of them before they’re exposed and your life falls into ruins? Contact us. The only way to get rid of creatures such as the tooth fairy, the tooth demon, or whatever is to let a pixy handle it. They cannot attach themselves emotionally to humans which means they’ll do their job and leave. In fact, they get the job done rather quickly. So if you need fast help, either call us or order.
I didn’t feel like talking to them, so I ordered. I wasn’t fully sure about the difference between a tooth fairy, tooth demon, and a pixy (just…pixy), but if I was guaranteed the disappearance of all of them, then hope wasn’t lost. Hopefully 589.99 was worth it….
As you can see, I now have two nuisances to vanquish. I’m not sure exactly what a pixy is, but if it could erase the tooth fairy and the tooth demon, then I’ll be free. This was my last hope. It’s now or never….
Also…my money comes from my Mythical Destruction Fund but I’ll go into that later…
ns 15.158.61.8da2
