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下班回家，淋浴。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqvLH965uNQ
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO3J2vyWAqD
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr3kTP9O6R4
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY3oxqSuVQd
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡonOUyZjXbV
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbsaRwsIaWF
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLhUZpDZe1w
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLQupQ56qni
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRbSpLb6oSf
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd8426wWccT
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS8DHwQx5pW
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZEiuBxfYOh
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ8emnMEbRw
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6odaWn6MwV
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSYDd7Oujgz
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbpOqk0rZEM
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjvOXPtBRG6
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9BbVmC9bMm
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJCGqost13e
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1HBdlkHNfJ
啪——啪——398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDPFufaLVwt
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡezVoQ9gFLp
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxtiTtkCsF6
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs7IuJRvE2T
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcYOo9zg7fv
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd6tEyl2a1A
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8h4XYKykrr
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHCjp1pWEkD
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2TDKNLhzYm
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNeIcEC0CwH
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFotH1ChJSA
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLpUDbELkUx
算了吧。沒所謂。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkmRlSzG1V3
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd9Y5Qw4riI
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNKzKnT5qKe
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4fYpoQSk6N
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnhutiKyhx7
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH2p1AnwlLI
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLhysBKwMao
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnm9Rsieipj
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuLCeO4CtfI
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzVGY0tJ7eR
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHzrFClhH75
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE74SIONyZ3
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY27NPKDi0f
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUT8a5IZUaa
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkGyFokgF9j
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrrBbJJr3al
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXomUWuQmE8
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgzVsSrTeXW
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUMNG2AJCGT
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxfWtJPjR00
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmia9oJ7XgG
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrSe3C5NGnZ
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ00QKf6Iftt
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFDLCItUKft
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPgObftaGmI
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡebSecuXGZ1
我頭也不回開門離家。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhKto6BYsHg
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXK3pBCG1Is
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw0dAR37clU
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVQiyBGPTtN
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4XNDLaElKT
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡssK6qUTpix
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVv0LhkfPQd
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvb4DGJ3cnS
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4zChnpQI57
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY4Lc4zUulp
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNMVJ23Hni5
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuuHeMfApB7
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlzCBzGedjT
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡALw5mNKda7
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIDfsHGXTOb
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡajjAJkTWOJ
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX8nGCO4sAL
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuEgZdeJouQ
「你不開心？」398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpitzQ7rMvb
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFjUgREniLl
「是的。但與你無關。」398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkoI5OGbQyi
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgKNlKWxJw5
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaGy2pRlfvM
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR8UhFqQIHq
「還有菸嗎？」398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV0RhqOZQyd
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI3O95pNwec
「有。」398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡql64jw2qD0
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfX3eQUgwcO
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpkiRHO8LO5
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKB3TPGGGrj
「俊仔還好嗎？」398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZPKbxiSaRh
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAtdEpfwzN2
「與你無關。」398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAg4doDOnW9
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeq7uBhrlIQ
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVSBap8bnRK
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNPYQCbOjEV
我幽幽一笑。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTlhYfWEz4w
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMCVFUrdTGD
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpciuG27cvi
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOmCz2KYLhJ
「多少？我付！」398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ81SNjcvHX1
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwuYW740PcX
「五萬七千五百元。」398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqymcmO9fzS
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4xolmrul82
「好！沒問題！小意思！」398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeYgCAtsvvA
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZCPBb6pTLG
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ57aLPkNTT8
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS31ra46paS
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡizDOiDed9f
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgjbfrnLK29
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvhmQ56jeOT
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWDZKx1iLpm
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7s2V6988jG
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡriNPpoYlcI
「阿顧，對不起。」398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCEZbxdNQME
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡStuGs8vqOE
「道歉有屁用！」398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ncF7ePQju
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWmCnDvuq4E
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4GJgomcaH1
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡagXyBK8iw5
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSXclaO6lfk
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM8JZ8TNh7T
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6HqhqxY7dk
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkiaEk2H6D7
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhh989iEdOk
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSc5dh1kXsN
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXNiWWNF4sv
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLaytMLDam5
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0nXqyrLrfN
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRVpgcgPkBZ
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGgyPmZ9PxD
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5jq8sWy0XX
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbAVZfpBtHn
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy2qeCmnlbV
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkLuipTKqLe
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY5yuoSkutd
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN0UUxrCXD4
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd9ceGMThcW
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyDDB3p8Mfo
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPFMpnqirHU
我活該……我活該……我活該……398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡruJDf7RUZg
398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc6A6pXFX8z
我如此催眠自己。398Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmP7n3d2Xjf
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns3.128.190.205da2
