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下班回家，淋浴。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU1DTj24h18
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt0b90qd1aC
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEqPnIIoq8E
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Ipgf2fwmi
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7yGchICOCu
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzJbx6r19qu
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGKj7VNiPeU
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQQvV7rgJiB
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTySe04RD85
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGjT5AH20GW
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5jgexWGgd7
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡslTMZzm80w
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1U1GP3ae3F
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtIsbO6Eg7D
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ978N3J4ZB2
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtzCTMDMCD1
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr2jrkE1HR3
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDUkvfNfYGQ
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUxBGH36ZwQ
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgeA5zu8U7h
啪——啪——353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUWNKF8Xdg5
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ2viRCEIeq
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUrAX0YoQpF
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnAoe9WPddz
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs4GKUZowhV
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbDLRGMmNI7
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkOcfvz4U8J
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCLXk5ZYNdv
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoWMtWoZC7A
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡluK26W801R
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeAX398vrkL
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZqzL7PPsgz
算了吧。沒所謂。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfxu6q3yGQG
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdgAZxKAGaM
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh5NHDVaaru
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGwSwz5XLDN
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPg8swGDRZm
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbJW0Yv2GUF
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE09OzwbUHR
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNgNbPn80GR
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkq6gA2mHvs
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHWia7qJk6l
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGuPCBzitGj
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKjFRQpXDKB
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNfLjUSh0hK
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0QonXUBvKO
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9HBIAdk4Km
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR9WMxd1nRn
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGFcBuSkhSE
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKThnlztRrA
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1grbc1aD2A
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGVI2RHnof5
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoY6FOu4TBb
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJIgF5SjYct
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ65UKJOxsM7
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxjibeymOxu
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzSqrrwJwHu
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6hB2b4y6x5
我頭也不回開門離家。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVCt0kzqFen
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMxs4MTZNdu
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAi6WICIRWn
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtwGvp97Wmn
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIB2wVMliHk
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJwTLrWsfxG
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNkwNCVSVi1
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzTIV1GknTn
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlLcZfzMG88
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKjYvNUva1G
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeuZZtrWGIi
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwgQSPRsVxg
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3HLWRiFeYl
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ520w0p2Le
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFOuzYD23fn
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY4Ke330sl0
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI6q10tm7zQ
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEVtzOXo65y
「你不開心？」353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡusulHQHWlt
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUGYJw3k4c6
「是的。但與你無關。」353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQPA5OSFRPK
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxouMX8OgBd
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ619KQTJhCb
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ80zq2L9hDr
「還有菸嗎？」353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtcHNUVANJg
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYeCFHZCDIu
「有。」353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyhzvU2t4HH
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyZPMcLl9ld
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkzYWHEHPWf
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDZtg3vddri
「俊仔還好嗎？」353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ51QXHpx5aR
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDM0jZV6Y9U
「與你無關。」353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqRqj0721Du
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZdFAYQip8Y
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdUHLwJNDwe
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSzAnTW12cH
我幽幽一笑。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcsEF0jCbLu
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5VDqbdw7wL
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBZuCYCDZTu
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuAQspR1Qju
「多少？我付！」353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRR0OqWZtnU
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEZOSedkf2g
「五萬七千五百元。」353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSLkl58yXAS
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1oPsQfQ5D1
「好！沒問題！小意思！」353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdGhLGWGpnE
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMSWbZPOBqn
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIU3JrxxhOL
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS1bS5uRKCI
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDhYYBPydwI
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhGg4GUu8bY
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOnW2ptbRBZ
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCJuJzQ6cBy
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡccsaDVLAdc
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUfM4Ow26mG
「阿顧，對不起。」353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC6Tdof3GYU
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0SGlWmtFfS
「道歉有屁用！」353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTUd3Mg2JY4
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡctWLiJpweB
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL5xHV6TQNE
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMdQ1bWZ5ZA
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfChzNFIANt
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXwkzrvIhOR
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbCToI7cuUw
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ93iwcGhfeY
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoFMBn7kquB
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUBTUJyHRge
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHsRCyOe1WQ
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAjsqwxE9Gt
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVunuPToTZU
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCIj9wGrEI6
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtRZO7kSp9b
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUoEtzqiY1G
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgu4RIUL3cJ
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQGVYBaDGIf
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmeQyO7lmGi
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrjPslNdKYM
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQIJjczZgSL
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1MbXfEvTng
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqYP3i4ukxw
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2CkWblrm9g
我活該……我活該……我活該……353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXmTsEpR13C
353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwSDCwOQzuB
我如此催眠自己。353Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWSHvARgfiY
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns 15.158.61.16da2
