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下班回家，淋浴。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpzYwakqxhA
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ9oTp14dKf
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtjmLGv0Rzh
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx9n95Gt1fl
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDOrW1iXf9X
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8lZQASQjcS
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0X4xatIQPV
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0MyLYQXuiV
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ103i5gin30
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLt0C28PA9O
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKDnnA2ubNy
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoyMoTyNwSW
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQArbTgDSoB
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJptyiihWKT
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1gVfyJogoJ
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9qusFn59Vi
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKJw5sylqHM
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYBy9OqNoUc
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlaFf7a98b3
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡozYe4FG6Hf
啪——啪——328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtxha3Rjkw5
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNVHsxIxchC
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡboYl2kFsI3
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUGg1XUAesr
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRTSiIbEWU2
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡphsl4ugeo3
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRWhsLQt3FV
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Q5uUakB4j
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg7E1G97zKi
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxCBdFgjUFM
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgtzsNnmxwz
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGL79PpkJve
算了吧。沒所謂。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSkh1Vs76lu
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEVu7ln57WA
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1tQnamApez
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1weK1by3Oh
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiDUOBiQJOM
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFXKzenel6O
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhBa5gD97fh
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAFZwmbw5fZ
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRERxKZAuh1
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqBziQcHZ7j
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6rLmj22TvI
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTjXfv3Byty
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOsnu3vT8Hk
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFtY0UYAIs1
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAW8DWCI8ER
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSNWoU4IMRP
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlvQDZaeA5p
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡswkDUiGwjB
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH7zfXWjhb9
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpDexX9FxFP
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLw7fA2jJ1Q
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1unkldiUBo
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNLJp9OfD2N
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5MEuTYS8Wg
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9I4fle5FpV
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqeTNiZUjis
我頭也不回開門離家。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhccAwWGdqB
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2oNqgue9as
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6dtDFFi1OQ
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF54vcHro95
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡehncSOyLWn
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLHltVfV2ms
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6rC92pGCpJ
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDzeWRPLMax
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDUCMoIRcVY
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoaWfx2xlHA
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbEK0hs7VhQ
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡniNtXujF8N
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8IAWqeMEoi
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3yWFkyW8kM
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeBrcpfCQSU
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Tu8d9MvjW
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV8Nkn8D6dt
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7sLXDbithD
「你不開心？」328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX3H4os7AFV
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX6vnd8ILvO
「是的。但與你無關。」328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfB1PvyVRAF
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkBxopx8BEK
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡif4pOcQieR
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6xG8rmZOfl
「還有菸嗎？」328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzvdB1IMmXp
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqW2uV1UCsT
「有。」328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9oybHghlVd
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHelG4uu2Pk
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡweqIW2gWmO
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡno2BskYIfP
「俊仔還好嗎？」328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzV4H6p9ykS
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlMdSXLuZg2
「與你無關。」328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzjxhavMWqF
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH0tvsLSE3Q
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp9QQyMh7zq
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyj2WnZ7js0
我幽幽一笑。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRWNKQc2CKS
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ty9WF2XQ2
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZr7Uo6FcHg
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKYNc41VYvS
「多少？我付！」328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpeIhj4ekrl
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0VrM9DED0r
「五萬七千五百元。」328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3LN8XKeHlZ
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFiQOZec2J1
「好！沒問題！小意思！」328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNrtXxM9Asb
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ053WcKetHj
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpuYQEzmVjB
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiEkHWySW4m
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡApmapbxM6X
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxYqYeFEEST
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWtQYekOu7t
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvuOMbpJvYe
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9NPbacR6cr
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe64pzbDncS
「阿顧，對不起。」328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaOGUzv5PtB
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQF8TjxA8S3
「道歉有屁用！」328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCzUxOdnWM1
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxWJjqiGFr9
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK7FkJtg6iX
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEgS5y7Ovab
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDFyi4YI14d
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyg25jtwQy3
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlePkrUm19n
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxyk8rZPIeB
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvNJPunMNOx
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ90JaRYwdN9
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMcP1uMGe2w
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc3iHODqvy7
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuDUyrDGkWU
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjT0spZ6A97
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp2EN2jM8UK
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLAmGpRorl7
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZu2myzJFJ7
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRJUXUR9J9z
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcU99Xi5VKA
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4g7NmTw9Dz
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9vNrQfyNnG
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3xQp30ZSK3
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMVcFGcXwY0
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡberl344t2z
我活該……我活該……我活該……328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPJ08jx0zPI
328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjsoIU0MW8t
我如此催眠自己。328Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwKy4VpYSj0
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns 18.68.41.177da2
