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下班回家，淋浴。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTy9iUTdU7J
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2yU5bhCF1Z
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvEVZ0RU4Nj
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOnCw8Epc0K
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu6JuZMTXmX
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyOTvhPVPh9
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ73dupQz37S
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5iHomAmOqh
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI3ZqrRkNZ6
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIFDABx8Mb9
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2D9qE1yS7j
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMypEAn19pm
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbpmQCKDwla
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcgJrVfZxMa
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyNk4AuM2Z4
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPAaRrUa4TB
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkO9ArIXzHW
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡipLOmcIrDA
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdtQNHOpIbA
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdItFVhNUXz
啪——啪——350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUgWZDvK6jL
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTBzYmMi9ne
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8aqaUwWnIw
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJmMvZIfCX4
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLQnGxbnfHL
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNA2RHVjBO8
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBg6ctDUr6P
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe1Duy8bQb0
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQECgOs8Vzb
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxErC5ebHR4
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUpIWsS1m8A
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjH2EYc53SZ
算了吧。沒所謂。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXhsmijprrm
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Q9TgzAfi4
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpuiLRCG0O0
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPamL6BeWXH
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡICm5ry0Hw6
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpAIICWFF88
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj3a9heT7yg
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNhk0DoCtxS
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYe8nArrgie
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkCvWzO1BEt
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHhn2EGhKsR
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0WbxaNNzUb
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2j6o5PGVIz
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ76xfGgAaAQ
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpQf6AcMkbQ
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7K2QVjeZ6l
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEQwp8wnMZa
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡddpWDbkCGJ
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSkE6yJ0h9b
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZZUPNOLUgd
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1XUahJqIRX
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnp8YeoLrXw
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdJuf39dft2
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzxej9AXjNE
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8DbVE9kI3w
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlNuK2JTTMf
我頭也不回開門離家。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4zWMGkhNXn
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzscMRn9LwG
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtI6AQUXLCV
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm37ttrHX5L
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhJgv3iwKSU
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP28oHKXrJu
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbZlpRmbC7B
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYzdbn0iL1Q
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYkGMTGFJXF
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRXNjdd0JQL
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiOidhBFzWy
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOrY08rNR2E
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX2IA6lc443
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiMwmrRyhdS
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIuZ9nnyiiQ
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmKiTfiFzaG
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWLUr2WMXx0
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoKQSOTqxtR
「你不開心？」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI39B0LWCPh
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRTVh4Cyzv6
「是的。但與你無關。」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBGn9bRJp7K
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKEqp5IoDzZ
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGtpOdPof4Z
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCOhLqxqsp5
「還有菸嗎？」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡswPcP0KJ8M
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAOHuJtDOVC
「有。」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaiKDhK3vLL
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8l45Slztpl
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxA1ct69ZbJ
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKpcxpifkdp
「俊仔還好嗎？」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFPROkIjTcc
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGWIFEEn2kO
「與你無關。」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4v1V68fEFc
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIq8Qu4J4wA
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUkwvS3EzxD
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpb6xDHIUtT
我幽幽一笑。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQEKv2Cp7FU
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3xWryw3CE5
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnvT3KWr4LJ
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMTtYzSxrdg
「多少？我付！」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ20f8oOeCm8
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUPZgbBjmh4
「五萬七千五百元。」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmou2O1N0XL
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhAPt74hC8w
「好！沒問題！小意思！」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEX0gPv6YlQ
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBym2obLZXn
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjvxJ4MaDSy
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxulpFCs0Va
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTiITedIPHp
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZaX7DrIz04
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7dDQadXwcQ
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsPflrboAup
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0YLEJgyIWq
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNCT5hiyk4R
「阿顧，對不起。」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJmyRwm1sbx
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuofz3X4GdW
「道歉有屁用！」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS5y5pBfGal
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAUiciYcZY0
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRNf0UfenAk
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMs08czC4P2
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuRooYgNha6
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcFLMpjZ00q
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpxZeOqTvem
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoy7prcuRFj
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXEcJBEWYqh
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa6XpoZql2H
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Xch8YQdHI
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB258QL62cJ
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgC4ePRColk
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO1pLrhA9h0
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIjcKhrQR62
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPKbJO1hgdI
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqTHqM5dHLU
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkQ6B17T2Dl
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4gTqutZbXn
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7IXrAgdOYC
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVCKvjlGeSl
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuCOE1zwMEP
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFAdOhWUgPa
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ15qNSl5VAu
我活該……我活該……我活該……350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEFYnuJROPp
350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiZ7JZFOcQV
我如此催眠自己。350Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlBG66ni4VG
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns 15.158.61.6da2
