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下班回家，淋浴。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEY7kdVnIEu
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVwLcywMCvS
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY2uRCC8Jkr
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7lCdxpCyMy
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSSDZRJ6i78
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTqQUXRFzOm
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPLq0LSnjJs
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnm5yD2eoEM
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUrTZJqNkxO
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5izjCe6v6Y
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg04ktRuXIv
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyXAsjwsUEm
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIPBPOTLm2w
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTLVcCRMGgH
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEdvPMcDMB1
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpTs3HiS96K
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7uXLudKFH7
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAE3X7pvVAd
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR9mWhbHN0K
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4covfeadck
啪——啪——383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb97ZRA4hmG
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcpEOz3yubE
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjDMAPc7BSH
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoYUAxKYM1U
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0v5ajP1wSy
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQjbNqYTcOr
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvq6XIDLxoi
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkTrC3d1eJM
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKQyUCrufVB
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwhHn2N0xMr
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyeRZzyeQej
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡStUIRp1lc3
算了吧。沒所謂。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCMZwHa6wyG
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqZxzd702EX
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTK6uZNaJQi
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7g28MKkt4d
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6qf3oG4iGN
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo45AgX6YAc
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRrD4oETItm
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKKdUGWJTQM
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxeTOBkmxzY
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzmDYCoDbkC
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQCqnaq1gQS
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPGFTmTstoI
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyvTR2mpPNn
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnb9uRTVkUs
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9WhxSSbhjZ
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIxk9OYVAO3
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡituOU7hBS4
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡylvCJ2Tgoz
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXooTkJVpXW
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9iEhrBYupo
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡINsJvRyPJm
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXVDC6r7e0M
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwrNzLAJ9uB
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqTYaRUEaoC
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjXyOPnqxpc
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvwMA5hi6j9
我頭也不回開門離家。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ewQ79mj6H
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYFmGhjfjQU
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡugoMVHpvem
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5DH05OFGZR
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc0mCOaVj7D
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcIHou76gd4
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS3PonxdjwF
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNMpQ7wSwyq
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvy6M3fO4ZY
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUBZ1WwOz0r
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYTYdXmVgjC
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL70fhIBBAU
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbpvURT4bO7
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIxFIYgwnrq
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTwaqKa3WwR
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBsEbM3atxI
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtqrmUIH9mC
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHM1yvMVoNo
「你不開心？」383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7LhuuQlUxM
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhVee36SGTs
「是的。但與你無關。」383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡySyWga4GkB
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdoqVDdRJX4
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTLRTCH3kTb
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqFq5b58L7r
「還有菸嗎？」383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgtujyiq2r8
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnLgdSEg3zf
「有。」383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Ycp0gHjOx
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg9v0blV4Bq
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLthvWIzyVE
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6i7MzW0KFv
「俊仔還好嗎？」383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQuF4AGl710
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRZO5sJnKfg
「與你無關。」383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIsYeKWBxQT
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOdQZL76L1G
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEUfsVGG2FB
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIZKOC7biwu
我幽幽一笑。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmX8vWTuk0X
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsEBdqYi2eJ
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Su26einlc
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpxbUjWSSbV
「多少？我付！」383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlnNEEbk4yB
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnqfL24Gff4
「五萬七千五百元。」383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡteHMZiq4IS
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5gZqyxUOnc
「好！沒問題！小意思！」383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJhhjBBeecA
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt7lnVUolc7
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw1NLCJYuem
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkyiwKvboPO
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg05lhonsZ3
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡckiHnBMAGp
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGFGfSlohi5
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrCUldFVvme
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZRQZ4TGHaK
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuh2Mq9hTRY
「阿顧，對不起。」383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHvvROWUtrz
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPLhcw0qp0G
「道歉有屁用！」383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN1oK0ASW5L
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwPhID49rSO
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeNdXUGBFri
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY6YBU6bFoC
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5nThfY6G6S
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUno1cdSOJJ
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxpujtuGcHI
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkFAsPbVEag
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBZCnQ4TsE5
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG5eDxLrRUm
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSBGV8KXy0h
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNDVM2G1Xyj
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVjPWi8oqEv
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYUow5koYp1
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWd68f4422A
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN9AUmJaNpa
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkYi08BoDWZ
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk2j1qJXAoo
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡShLN1zLiVu
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfJA4T38qSH
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBzJBCOMObh
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjWRcaXlpc9
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw7LzVlM8U2
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiIzmICCuAt
我活該……我活該……我活該……383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAewIrdqld0
383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTjZbzY4ogb
我如此催眠自己。383Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAnuDNKT5nl
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns18.221.54.244da2
