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下班回家，淋浴。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ6pQo7AsOq
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXttiaxo0Lv
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKPqncmiG8R
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrqqyPE0U4I
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgvY6ouFD17
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp1SMPo5MBa
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPsIPppXT59
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrb4Ny0Wgyu
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI1pL0xQMb9
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3PA88xJVMD
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj4JEuN7FOp
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ1DLjolyrR
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwK8CehnRPc
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡti09OODrYn
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡahwUThMbwO
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZPjcOfil6V
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9vnWbJMq8v
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmMZ1hv1VtE
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2w85jYK7uw
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR3xHrjmrBv
啪——啪——339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf5uLC8DTgF
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzeQs8OmFxb
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFlQgQaiCMn
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR9PqMfjYNV
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQqzUu81Wn7
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzga4TlPGG1
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVXUDOQxWRY
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVu2J1iaJMV
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJhT0cJfta5
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgxVb5hT7YH
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw7p1qzAx2z
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPvkzbeV8Xr
算了吧。沒所謂。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX7B1FkrNeE
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ22QTadcBTS
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3wdvjSVf5M
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj1uFL5pHmL
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ42B4NjqtP2
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡanB5nOVWgg
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKkye6eafji
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwmmEd38YxW
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtFZlUdGwJH
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Vo1yOzAqi
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhTaWHKtBlr
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUm03u9kK7k
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2f9XcHpSiZ
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSMXohwq7L4
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3xdseSIzYb
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5h2akcX47s
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡorny92lrw6
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaoMiEVJ0oT
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqWgiU849G8
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQSb9c1c6Zv
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaArfQkTYRk
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTqYBX87nCZ
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0pFJbcmW9V
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyKRP9C7kpK
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvEWQmbfK40
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ32p92lqIbn
我頭也不回開門離家。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcVPeoEhYrI
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu1DONBa2CL
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm6l0j6QA5R
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡATDYtCpz8v
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDf2A98onEi
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJC9fuuccmd
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZFmcLDqBJm
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBtmyMNQBZ1
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrWJyYxtpQs
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA5K497PTPP
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJIX70gmTgn
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC4eQEekmzU
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGN9fJ2ndFc
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuzoX1J1vmK
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡovFFtsmvzq
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuFMZnWvew4
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCV4u57Atjb
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR7QuxtYTTY
「你不開心？」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJPJRp6W3ss
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfXubTiFJR1
「是的。但與你無關。」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCS1c2vlUBh
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdT8blamgaf
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFybAeCRd8s
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBvugivgnI1
「還有菸嗎？」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzT0ViZBmsO
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKV1wQn5RWf
「有。」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1pYGKRwcA5
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8pApm69A02
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgjh5gZ5DPM
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBFhn5CLEHI
「俊仔還好嗎？」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZToiHmbfLc
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXBluihPwt4
「與你無關。」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd3K6XD4Hk3
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcCNzVXZigQ
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl5fSOdUigX
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡekF1qieN5H
我幽幽一笑。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8QVPdJub93
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKh677jtY9q
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxjtQrBC13I
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmdJy4zZ7WD
「多少？我付！」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyEjoov0WoK
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMBWVNHmUhS
「五萬七千五百元。」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm1YM8O9ya9
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzj8itbYSQP
「好！沒問題！小意思！」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbIwjOBd86W
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrivonY258A
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdfpmxVFiBg
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡajnK9zjB8o
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQkdE08Gbt8
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWZEtcVWhMr
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7JCeOrELI4
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuRsNu7szJv
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZPZ6aGOAkf
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1xJB6xgQTy
「阿顧，對不起。」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTVtEcjUNd0
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrALggfbZUL
「道歉有屁用！」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpA9bnYh8OU
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbIxmntDkYF
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWyzWe0UWZG
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMS5QUlbNOi
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCD4HX8JoNJ
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqCx0F46nky
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRKSQyEHdsS
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHKiPKRYo9V
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC5guUphNLA
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6R8CwtxnXd
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFe6lYfr6a5
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1qoCxRwiDj
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS4dbEPRXw6
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhtyIooQB4j
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3zX93QcPX3
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8yPweOdiIq
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1GhOWCjpQZ
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTpRtB1L9vp
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2LnoGTLLom
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3TVZbXPZ7Z
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhNDinH2rjq
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjUpYbtZTLN
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWJLwxpZysG
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVwSKVsg9Wx
我活該……我活該……我活該……339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4NNKLmBP1k
339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4JzmRibQOT
我如此催眠自己。339Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9jS0e6p2m7
註：另收錄於短篇小說集《雜念集》內。如有違規，煩請創挑主通知，願刪文。
ns 15.158.61.48da2
