By: Japan
From: Tin Drum (1981)
This is Longinus spear.
That's how Alexandrians called all kinds of spears hanged by burmecians while in war. An impure weapon, for less than impure people. The blood on its tip is said to have belonged to a good person, whom we get rid off. That's why we became rats, from inside as well. But let's speak about something other than myths, like facts. Heavy as it is, it's efficiency can't be granted by long distance pitchs. Neither is a good weapon for hunting. No, there is an only way this weapon is worthy a try. Spears are made to stab, but in the end, all they do is... kill people. CRRRACK! You broke my heart. I broke your glass. Was it milk? Because you're still woke up. Is that a bonsai on the other side? You'll need more than Feng Shui to achieve something without using your hands. It's a dark room, for eyes already covered in dark.
You learned to look outside a pitch black and crawl into a gray world, but could you see the glass fallen beneath you? Have you saw new colors dripping out your hands? Why do I ask, if I do not even know you. You sure know me, on other hand. Now, you must be wondering why I am here. Why Freya Crescent, former Dragoon Knight, heroine of the crowds, is spending a quiet night together with her worst enemy. It's so quiet outside, don't you think? So far away from home, and yet, there is silence outside the rain or the sandstorm. Silence in the library, and all the books who were burnt within, words forgotten. I haven't forgotten anything, while all we can remember, the only thing we can agree that will happen for sure... is death. Lucky me I'm wearing a helmet. As for you and your head...
THUMP!...So quiet you can't even hear the people buying barrels of pickles at the fair, children rattling around the fountain, elders taking tea... You do not even perceive that such silence could only be promoted by lifes who ceased to exist. Is your head feeling any better? Can you, at least, hear me? Sure, you hear me everyday. Into each of your thoughs, for no moment I leave them. You left them behind. At least one life could had been saved by yours. I saved them instead, while you are here, untouchable like a temple. As for the alexandrian's hands, they did more than touching our lands. Why you, in particular? What you alone have to do with any of this? Can you say something, because I haven't made a cut in your throath already. It's too dark to see you, but a violet is likely to grow into dark.
A death in bed. How romantic... you here, laying on bed, trying to enjoy a night of sleep, knowing that you will wake up tomorrow. Is there any tomorrow left? With a few people, you can still build it, but how they miss each other. Some were just strolling around, taking care of their lifes, making love... none of them saw it coming. Not even me. Can you see this-THUMP! Lucky you. Where was same lucky when our people needed it? Sure, a few survived, I'm glad they did, but still there were so many, stripped to their bones. You know Jack, don't you? Know that he's just a child, who lost its arm, and almost his sight. We went to a store, since Learie was taking care of Adam, and why I am telling you this? You do not even know who these people are, but even an animal like you knows what a mother is, right?
They take care, until the end if needed. I'll go into that same end, same where you are stuck at. So, Jack refused to wear glasses, but he needed to, or else all he would see would be smudges. And the first thing he saw... it was me. A piece of my hair, an only lint of white on the red coat. He said to me that my hair was falling, like snow. It was already fallen, like a body and the blood of same tainted on this coat. Can you feel the scent? Or had you been used to it as much as I? Does a father tolerate the scent of poo coming out of their offspring by result? Well, black humour is the only thing that makes both of us sane. Despite losing its arm, Jack always seemed to smile. Know why I didn't? Because I didn't felt alive as he. THUMP!... My hand... flesh and bones collide against a wall covered in spikes. As if I didn't already shared of my own...
Why am I here? Well... Had not been for you, I would never exist. I said it for you, and same for Jack, whom I gave the enjoyment of a life. With a single arm, Jack holded me tight, as we crossed throught this kingdom, jumping from a roof to another. More than anything, Jack needed some fun. As for me, I was in need of a round or two of claps. Oh, don't stop now, he said with a giggy smile, in both our faces. You must go back to your mom, I said. Jack agreeded with me, because I was me. Understand? Or do I have to say more, like Jack? I never swa you before, Freya. I mean, I wanted to be you, but... you are my hero. So cool! When someone gets in your way, you go there, and POW!... Nobody says what you can and can't do. You are free... And then I cried. Was tired, in such afternoon. The sun settling down, like your final curtain...
THUMP!... I missed it again. My spear and my sight. Like now, I was blind. What Jack said didn't bothered me that much... should had. Fact is, I was so flattered, better, amused for being so admired. So much that I didn't perceived why. And the last thing I should have done, the last one for real, was to encourage Jack of doing something other than seeing the world, but my own. Have I said that Jack lost his right arm? That I use the left one mostly? Details do not add much to a suffering I have borrowed of a same word: death. How ironic that it will all end with your own, bur first, let me finish the story. Well, life isn't a story that moves forward, and events that happen because they had been written to happen. What can I say about life is that my fur is same grey belonging to the ones who became dust. Everything ends with ashes, while I was born and let them grew on me.
Are you listening to me? Well, I didn't listened to what Jack said. Had my ears for Fratley and only. I missed him, so much that I couldn't react. So many things I felt, and I couldn't express none at all, expect guidance. How tables shift with time... A younger generation of Dragoon Knights arriving, for a new Burmecia. Though, some wanted to stay in here, at Lindblum, like you. I went to Alexandria once, only to forgive what I did when back here. I can't forgive you, as much as I have forgiven Fratley. An empty vessel, holded by hands, whom I teach... like a babysitter. There, I said it, and that's why I came here too. What I do teach for people around me? That if you wear a coat, carry on a spear in hand, and claws at the tip of fingers, that if you are strong and mean enough, you get it all? So believed Jack, and that's where my story ends. Just like your life.
Adam couldn't stop coughing. At this moment, he's already gone. I was there, to offer their family help. They only went to Burmecia to bury a corpse and leave it there, like many. Back at Lindblum, they bought a house with my gil, the only good that I did back then. Well, like always, I didn't said that money came out of dirty hands. Dirty faces tainted in copper, being pressed by your fingers, the sweat left behind, like the blood on the tip of this spear. It ain't your blood yet, but since I'm here to offer you invitation... Do you feel lucky? On that night, I tore more than a limb apart, in front of Jack. A robber came inside the house, made mother and son hosts, and for a nasty coincidence, I was hanging out. It was no coincidence that I was able to break glass easily as I broke that guy with my feet.
His spine bended, but something worse happened with Jack. He haven't got any wounds, not outside. They were already there, when he witnessed Cleyra and its tree vanish into a big heat, so much that his eyes couldn't take the bright. It was dark in that night, and all nights were dark, enough for Jack to become same night. He had no friends, not anyone alive but its mother. He's still alike thanks to Learie. As for me... A child's nightmares is nothing compared to your own, or mine. We learned to bare them, unhear the wishes, resist the temptation. While I won the fight, the war in Jack's mind waged on. That incident sure did something to him, all of them placed like a jigsaw. If there's something I agreed to as a Knight, is that I would never let any innocents be harmed. I failed twice, so why couldn't by the third time?
Like I said, Jack had no friends, but fiends followed his anywhere he went. Being a burmecian kid, and orphan, and someone wearing glasses... excluded like junk, which's a treasure for another. Jack had me, while I had nobody. Fratley once knew me, and every time I looked to him, it was as if he was born yesterday. It didn't took me quite a while to let alchohol flow throught my blood stream, making me go elsewhere. I see that you agree with me. Can't sleep because tomorrow the hangover will take the best out of you, and in that day, I witnessed the worse. Even with her hands feeling numb, Learie kept sewing clothes with a loom, and with the last gil in hands before payment arrived, she bought a book for her son. At least, he tried to explain to another child. Do rats read? I thought they bite books all along, so said the other child.
For someone who stood in a distance. I could hear well. Now, thinking aobut it, I should had been nearby, in order to prevent what happened. It gets worse, and more I have a reason to finish with you. Only you, nobody else. Want to know what happened? The boy said that he would bring the book back to Jack, and he did, by tearing a page one to one. Two... three... four... five... and so, with it's only fist closed, Jack punched that boy in the face, while the others just watched. He kept punching and punching, but there was something wrong. The way he punched, kicked, drew blood... a fearful symmetry. I had to stop Jack, who have lost its mind, so did I. Out of that height, I fell upon the ground. Hey, Freya! Look! You should have saw it! I broke its nose... I saw it all, Jack, so I came near him. Me and my shadow.
Uh... Freya? Jack asked, but there was no Freya at home. Only a voice, who screamed... your mother works so hard for you sake, she accepted jobs that no one with dignity would dare to take... and you, fighting like a... Freya... You are hurting me... I'll hurt you, yes... and so I followed my word. I gave him a SLAP! Right in the face. And I wonder what else had I to teach him? Or myself? You can't create sense when you are out of it as well. Blood came out of Jack's mouth, same who stood in hand, whom I tried to cut with this spear. Now, does cutting your whole will make me feel any better? Or will make me feel like Jack? About him, well... he broke a tooth, and said it was all because of the boys. Not even for a moment he mentioned me to its mother, and I know it because I went near its house. As a Dragoon, I can be almost everywhere. As the one inside, I can't even be myself.
Geez... what I am doing here? This is where I live. The coat hanging there is just a coat. And the spear in hands... these are yours. Well, it ain't the first time I lost temperance, feeling that I should do it or not. I open a window, only to feel a soft breeze caressing my face like a hand. When I thing I'm alone, the ghosts of my life came back from where I buried them. Each day, I bury myself into that outift, thinking about the right and wrong, how even I, a symbol of hope, can be mean. I'm a rat, but also a human, who needs to obey the law, rules... Had I not started this conversation, I wouldn't be talking no more. Had I not learned to talk, I wouldn't have tried to find a way to prevent this from happening. I look to the belt I hold in hands, to a mirror before my eyes are covered, no eyes to anyone like that helmet, nothing to cover my body other than scars and gray ashes...
Guess we are stuck with each other. And all I can ask for Jack, as a Dragoon and the one inside... is for a bit of forgiveness. As long as he can see with those glasses, the only thing I haven't broken, with so many promises left behind.
ns 15.158.61.8da2
