By: Depeche Mode
From: Exciter (2001)
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326Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEERx56hu0v
24 Hours.
It's been 24 hours without the loss of a life. That's something rare. Very rare. I'm talking about Alexandria. This place where I've been living at. 24 hours, working day and night. It's a day to remember. Night, as well.
To remember...
I can't remember everything. No such being in this world... it's impossible.
...Impossible?
Yes, it's impossible. And for that matter, to prove it otherwise, someone has been wasting its time.
A waste of time? So, that means you... you, all along...
I never asked to lose any of my memories. I never cared about them as much as she does. Those memories, little pieces of me... why, she cares about you, of all people, and you beg to question why? Yes, I do. It's what I do best. Question everything, to find some answer. Some questions aren't meant to be brought of any answers. Yet, I dare to ask, why me? Why I had to lose my memories? The worse, though, is that Freya still remembers. You only remember what others told you... And these others are part of me, right? Not only her, you see. There's a whole new world in front of you, yet you feel there's something in the way, and there isn't. You could just walk out whenever you wanted, but...
It's what I did five years ago, isn't it? Without any warning, to none of my relatives, closest friends, I took a feet outside the rain and so I left Burmecia behind. I did it for a good reason, of course. To prevent a war from happening, but did I? You complain about losing your memories, but how about the many lifes lost? I also lost my life, in a way. See, I'm stuck in this loop, I can't find a way to get out, neither Freya. She cares about me, and if I leave now, that'll make her vulnerable. I know she's strong, but how much? Well, these five years are enough to prove how strong she is. How reckless, too. Many things happened in between, but still, five years is a lot of time. All this time, searching for me.
I... I can't. It's so unfair to leave now. And to be stuck in here ain't healthy. For none of us.
— ...Hey, Sire! Psst! Hey! – I wonder if he's talking to me. A kid wearing a ragged poncho, pulling a wooden cartwheel filled of cleaning products. By cleaning, I mean a bar of soap, a bucket of water, and a rag.
— Hello – I said. Looking better, that kid has a tail. A face of a rat, as well – what do you want?
— Y'see... do ya have any... any? Uh, coin? – he opened his hand covered in soot. I gave him some gil I got out my pockets – thank. Why long face?
— I gave you the money. What else do you want? – I already have my own problems to deal it.
— Geez, your pooped, or what? – the boy said, as he coughed.
— Adult problems. No worry.
— Yeah, adults and their problems.
— What you will do with the money I gave you, kid? – I asked. It ain't a thing from imagination seeing these kids buying drinks around here. Here in Alexandria, or at home.
— Dunno. Wanna see a magic trick?
— No, you won't eat these coins – I had this kind of prediction for a moment. As it seems, I was right.
— Nah! With only you watching, of course not. See, I have better things to do.
— Like what?
— Can I have a new life? – he asked. With that much of gil...
— Which life do you want?
— Well... Much food, but not getting fat, how's that? – I didn't answered, but that seems fine. For a life – Sire, you look a bit thin. Have you eat, or is there a vermin eatin' ya from inside?
— No, kid. That's how I am – even for a burmecian, I am very thin. Like a toothpick. People do not notice it very much.
— You're sad – the boy said afterwards – I've seem happier adults.
— I feel like I'm wasting my time. Well, not only mine, but someone else's.
— I feel ya. Am I wastin' yer time?
— No, you aren't – I said, looking at the sides. To where shall I go?
— Alright. See ya – the boy pulled his cartwheel, knowing where to go. Then, I heard a cracking noise – Oh, no! The wheel is broken. Damn you, Luca.
— Who is Luca?
— My friend. He said he fixed the wheels. It's gonna run faster, he said. It broke fast, didn't it?
— Can I help you? – I have no idea. I should had been somewhere else. Well, I am here now, asking for help.
— Do you have more gil? – not enough gil, honest.
— Where do you want to go?
— Well, I wanna clean some rich windows – said the kid, dropping the water from the bucket, putting the soap and rags in it – but... they're far away from here, Sire. Oh, the heck with it! I can just walk there by feet. Lots of bubbles in it, but I don't care.
— What's your name? — I forgot to ask. Maybe there's no need too. So many boys without names, walking at streets with names of dead folks.
— Do you mind?
— Yes, I do.
— Rael. It's how they call me.
— They?
— My friends. They're my family. Even when they suck.
— And where are they? – these children look invisible for almost everyone. But if you watch carefully, you can see a child in what was once a rat.
— Have I told you they suck? – Rael said, with a smile – anyway, it was nice meeting ya, Sire-
— Call me Fratley.
— Yeah, Fratley, whatever... sorry, I have to go – now he spoke like an adult. It's hard to see one with that size.
— I can help you – for a moment, I wonder if I really am helping Rael. Working on that age... but he says it's important. Like, he's on a hurry to do something important. So do I.
— How? – Fratley is a weakling, a nobody without him. When he can't support the weight of pain, or wants to make things easier, the Knight comes in, and – what!? Wait! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-
What a relief. I mean, I never brought anyone with me to these heights. They're too heavy, or do not want to. Or they scream, like Rael. For a moment, it feels like he ran out of air, but it's just the loss of words. Like, how can you describe it, for the first time? It's good to climb the skies until you've reach the clouds, but people and their problems stay on earth, and you can only solve them if you walk as they do. A bit of your freedom is gone, but in exchange, you earn something else when you dare to talk to people. Allow their voices to be spoken, their problems to be understood. You earn something back, and who knows what it may be? You just feel it.
— WHOA! Whoawhoawhoawhoa!... Dude! My head – said Rael, soon as we stood upon a roof. It was like the kid's heart was on his throat – your crazy!? No, wait... Yer awesome! But crazy! Ask me if I wanna next time, geez!... How do you do this, Frat?
— I used to be a Dragoon Knight.
— Used to?
— Yes. I didn't used these powers for fun.
— You call this fun? – the boy looked below – man, If I could do what you do, I would always be happy. Yer lucky I haven't eat anything, or else I would have puked!
— Do you know how to go from here to the street?
— I do! I can do things on my own, you see.
— It ain't that much to ask for help, Rael.
— Well, excuse me! You're a few who looked at me, without throwing any shoes. See, our feets weren't made to wear shoes. Can you eat shoes?
— Do you? — there are so many things I don't know about Rael. How he is able to shed of a smile living like this, too.
— No, I don't. Awful taste. Yuck!... Okay, that's my leave. Bye!
— Bye – as it seems, it's easier to go down than up. Sure, Alexandria is a nice place, but living between walls is... I see walls where there aren't at all. Well, I helped someone today, but in the end, I cared about myself. What you're saying? Sure you need to care for yourself, but you also cared for that kid, didn't you? To see yourself in someone is different from seeing yourself and only.
It doesn't help talking to myself.
Later...
The window is open. Anyone can come in to Freya's room. Anyone who is able to crawl a wall.
Spiders, ants and rats. They can be found everywhere, any place in this world can be their home. For the past two, three months?... I don't know. A lot of time has passed since my treatment. Therapy, observation, reintegration, any of these words that make me feel as if I had a disease. All I did was to forget. No, I didn't. Like a disease, it wasn't my choice. It just so kind of happened. And nowadays, you can solve any problem with science. With logic. It needs to make sense. Truth is, at least I believe is the truth, is that I can remember. Honest. How come I remember stolen memories? I don't know. I do not care to explain with science. I've been keeping this for so long, that I can't stand it anymore. Yet, when I try to speak about the memories I remember, it's like I'm telling lies. That all I remember is based on what others saw me doing.
I had a good loving mother. I had a brother with quite a temper. The Prince of Burmecia and I became a sort of friends. I loved one of my students. I was kidnapped, my body and dignity taken, discarded like junk in the woods, became something, someone else living someone's life at Lindblum... I'm done. I keep telling to myself that these are facts, that anyone can remember facts, that these aren't part of you, but guess what? An only voice doesn't make a play. Like, I don't need the whole world to know I can remember. I just need someone else, another voice to tell I'm not alone, that I might be wrong. Am I lying to myself? Well, let's find out.
The front door is locked. No worry, I have a sparring key. Boy, am I hungry! And sweaty. I could take these clothes off, but I'm starving. Why haven't I bought something while out? Like, last time you ate peanuts, uh... it wasn't a pleasant experience. Do you like peanuts? I asked to the young seller I met on street. No, I do not. Only the chocolate 'round these... the chocolate, he said. There was none. And I ate a whole bunch of peanuts that day.
The good is that I gave the boy lots of gil. Hope he found a new life. Or new products to sell, that's his life after all. His life... the life of a kid shouldn't be about work. Well, soon they'll have to work anyway. Still, they need a bit of fantasy, of fun. And I need some food right now. Nothing's happening, the corridors all empty, decorations standing still, so do time. I can hear the grandfather clock tick, but that's it. I won't waste my time looking at it, I can't eat it. Rats can eat lots of materials, in comparasion, but as a human, I have my menu. I said before that because I forgot everything, no longer I have to complain about the things I like and things I don't. It's about time to despise cabbages.
I never liked vegetables. No one does, but it's the kind of evil you have to live it. Only bad things seems delicious, tempting, but that's not right. Even water can be bad for you. So, have a varied dish. A cheese bread and strawberry? I eat them both. It... what a weird taste. Soft, sweet, fruity, juicy, cheesy, all at the same time. I wonder where is everybody, if I mistook one of the guards for a statue. Really, there's nobody in here. Quina is at kitchen, and the only people who looked at me with a strange sight were the guards, which they did as quickly as they could. Not all of them are talkative on duty. They walk from the kitchen to somewhere else, who knows how huge this place is... and how quiet it can be, like now.
I wonder how many cheese breads can fit in my mouth. Like, it would be very embarassing if someone saw me right-
— ...How are you doing today, Crescent? You look different.
— Sure I am, my Majesty.
— I mean, you're smiling. More than usual.
— Today has been an unusual day. Never that I had such high hopes before it. The Dragoon academy where I studied at is almost finished, Reverend Kildea is walking on her own, a little girl gave me this pretty flower, Puck's birthday... well, he's no more a kid, for a Kingdom with so many orphans. Yaaawn...
— Quite a day, isn't it?
— Yes, my Majesty. There's still a lot to be done.
— I appreciate your input, Freya. But you need a rest.
— My input? I used to feel that I haven't been doing nothing important to seal... the... wo-unds... – well, there's no turning back – uh... Fratley?
— ...Yes? – I wonder what made Freya look at me that way, if the cloth I'm wearing, or the cheese breads in mouth, or just me, tied into all these things.
— Talk about unusual... – The Queen also stared at me, speechless. With a gulp, I swallowed everything, except words.
— Freya... We need to talk.
— Sure we do – it's hard to tell if Freya is about to laugh, or about to cry, or just pissed – but you see, I'm on a meeting.
— I don't care.
— Neither I. Is it okay, Garnet?
— You two need a time on your own... I guess – so the Queen left. No words! That's how I call her expression. As for Freya, though...
— So, let's talk.
— It's the best for both of us, Sir Fratley – she called me Sir... been a while. The little ironies, I can tell you.
— How are you doing, my dear? – though, I wasn't being ironic when I called Freya that way. Been a while since I did so.
— My dear... Yes, your dear is fine. As for my clothes... I mean, I never thought my clothes would fit in you. Speaking of that... would you care to explain why you're wearing my clothes!?
— Well... it's what I wanted to talk about with you – it just gets worse. And I haven't begun yet – please, don't look at me like this.
— How am I supposed to look at you, Fratley?... You could, at least, have asked me. All those outfits in the wardroble, sparring pieces covered in dust... just ask me and I would give one to you. Because, well... you do fit in it.
— Aren't you angry? – I asked. She looks amused by comparasion.
— A bit. Just a bit – so Freya took a deep breathe – but today has been relatively good, so do my humour. You're lucky, Fratley.
— Well, I didn't meant to upset you.
— Am I upset? Not really. It's just that... my clothes fits in you. And you look, how do I saw?... well, I never thought I would be seeing you wearing these. I'd say you look cute.
— Cute?
— Yes. Or something like. I heard about stealing a girl's panties, but this... – why am I the one who's blushed? Is it because of that smile? It's a thing I do not see very often on that face – ...wait, is that what you do on your free time, when you're out? Like, I didn't trusted Amarant when he mentioned you wearing my Dragoon outfit and walking around beating people up. After all the babysitter talk, I thought that was a new one.
— Babysitter?
— Yeah. That I've been treating you like a child, a baby all along. Taking care of someone else as if he couldn't do it all by himself... as if you have forgotten the basics.
— No, I didn't – I'm sure of that. I haven't wet the bed since seven, eight... I think. If I could believe – had I forgotten everything, I wouldn't be talking right now. I haven't forgotten what is like to be human, living in a world of men. And here we are, Crescent... circumstance brought us to each other again
— Circumstance? I don't believe in such a thing, Fratley. Not very often. I'd rather blame myself for anything I did or did not.
— Why? Does it make you feel any better? – is it me, or did the surroundings became darker? I just follow Freya to where she is going. Down the ladder.
— It makes me feel. And that's enough for someone who saw enough... death – and just like me, she doesn't know. We know where we are. If this place doesn't send chills down at your spine, I don't know what will. You are not human if nothing happens with you within the chamber.
Yes, this is it. The chamber where they tortured you, and who knows how many people. How, despite the makeup, old were the jester twins, Zorn and Thorn. How I would like to punch their faces, kick their crotches... oh, what am I thinking? I'm not the violent kind. It's this place, makes me feel these things. Awful things.
— I've been here before – I was able to say something.
— Yes, you did.
— No, Freya. I mean, one of these days, passing by... Why did you brought me here?
— Who knows? – Freya avoids to look at anything in the room. Despite being dark, I can still see the sawtooth, sharp blades, and the worse part is that I can picture these things getting inside of someone. Ropes tied on arms and legs, except the mouth to tell truths and yells. A yell nobody hears, as they touch your body and you, unable to do anything, yells but your screams are syrup for their juice. Instead of blood, you shed of tears and goo, as you wish for blood to come out instead of green, brown, anything but red – I... I don't like this place.
— Neither I – it's all I have to say. In a place I dared to say nothing, my body violated as Prometheu's liver every night.
— I'm sorry for having brought you here – was it intentional? I'd say otherwise, given how pale Freya looks – The way you looked at everything... I don't want to ask if you remembered anything, but something in me... no, pelease don't tell me, Fratley. That ain't right.
— And what if I said that I did? – I felt something inside of me. Something so repugnant. You can't just remember good moments, after all. Was it necessary? I mean, to go on that place, and to anyone have acess to it – it's better to leave that chamber alone. Not because of me, but it's a place connected to so many people – people who are alive, and those who aren't. I'm half of both, in a sense.
— I'm really sorry. I didn't meant to shock you, just talk.
— And I didn't meant to ruin your day, Freya.
— You didn't. I remember many things. One day, I fell in a manhole. I just fell. Was a kid. Got stuck in a manhole who knows it opened – I don't think this is the best moment to be giggling, but I do – funny how sometimes, you laugh at something that brought you so much pain.
— You remember? How?
— I... – do I really remember, or am I just... no, I would never make things up. These are so vivid to be delusions – I don't know. There's no way of explaining. Not in a way that makes sense. Doctor Tot once said a thing about memories buried deep in the unconsciousness, something about brain and its delicacy... I don't know, I really don't. Someone could better explain it all, perhaps there's no explanation, meaning... no, that can't be right
— What isn't right? – do I have the courage to tell her? The audacity of leaving everything behind once again, just like I did years ago? But there's a difference, Fratley. You're living now, and something in you says the best to be done in this situation is-
— Okay, Freya. Let's have a talk, for real – From a darkness to another... I see no difference between our bedroom and the chamber. Nothing in this room can harm me, it's the darkness men wish for. I sit on bed, because I can't stand on my own feet. Would I be able to stand on my own after these words? We'll see – listen, I appreciate what you have been doing for me. I'm grateful of having someone amazing as you at my side every day and night. But let's face it, we don't do good to each other. If we did before, that was before. Now, I'm just a vessel of who I am, then you come in and say that I can be who I was. Someone better than this. Amarant isn't wrong at saying you treat me like a child, because it's that what I am for you, right?
I think I was a bit harsh. A bit? I just said what I had to. I'm not afraid. I learned to go forward whenever a fear brought me down. And when you brought someone down with your words, remember that? I might not be afraid, but am I still considerate for Freya? Right now, she is only listening. I have more to say. More weights to pull away.
— Look, I'm not saying your effors were in vain. Even if you had the best of intentions all along, look at you, Freya... so weary, tired all the time. What good is it to be a treasure of yours, if I must be guarded all the time? And when you guard something for so long, to have control over it just like a tyran... I mean, what's the point of being treasured, at someone's possession, if it keeps you and me away from freedom? Freedom... We were young and we were pure and life was just an open door. As we get old, we lose our place reflecting back the world's disgrace.
— Fratley – she's sitting on my side, just like in the old days. Long, lazy rainy nights, walking around. Those days... Freya and I were trying hard to be innocent. Behind our smiles, we hide our pain – do you pretend to leave me? If so...
— I don't pretend to leave you, my dear. I want the best of you to stay. And the only way I can make that happen, for my sake and yours, is if we... we... I have no idea. I do love you, Freya, but this... could this be called love? It's the same as tearing a flower's petals apart, asking love me yes, love me not. To be fair, I feel there's something missing. Yes, I miss being a Dragoon Knight, that's why I wore your suit and did what a Dragoon is supposed to. I liked being a Dragoon, didn't I? That very bit of me is still alive. I just want to be alive, and I want same for you too, Freya. I want a life without the need of draining your own. Or having that book of memories do it so.
— You mean the book Doctor Tot gave me? Oh, I forgot to tell you that I've sold it.
— You sold the book? – I wasn't aware of that. Well, even if I was, would I be commemorating? – why?
— I'm done. That's why. I feel like I've been doing it all for my own personal gain. My memories, not yours. After all, I lost so much, and with the opportunity of taking it back, I said 'why not?' I'd do anything to feel better with myself. And, that day, back at Cleyra, when you passed by without knowing who I am... as if everything we had been throught together didn't mattered, I... you see, how much selfish I can be. At the point it becomes something close of a vengeance.
— And how do you feel now? – anything said in this room shouldn't be that much of a surprise, but this is the first time I hear it all in Freya's words.
— I don't know. A bit of me is lighter, I can say for sure. Still, I'm not totally sure of how I feel. What about you, Fratley? So much guilty we carry on. And despite being repulsive like this, you are still here. Why?
— Why? – good question. Why am I still here? Is there anything I see on Freya that I do not see in any other girl? I see a girl, yes, within a woman. I see my childhood, my youth, what I was, and what I will become. But nothing can become anything without an input coming from itself. Oh, why complicate things so much, Fratley? You feel a need to do it so. But the answer, how simple it is. Just take your hat and that helmet out, put the hair aside, stare deep at those eyes and say – because I love you. Does that suffice?
— No, Fratley. It doesn't. When someone says 'I love you', it feels like... Wasn't you who said that what we have feels more like control than anything but love to each other?
— ...You are right. It's no use telling that I love you. There are many ways you can love someone. As a brother, a friend, but my love ain't like this, Freya. I need you. Yes, I have my own life, my own choices, I can still be a good Dragoon Knight as it shows, but... without you at my side, nothing I can do can be done right. You think otherwise, but it doesn't work like that. No, it doesn't. This red coat I'm wearing... it gives me psychological advantage, helps with the movements, it is essential. Not only the coat, you see. When we are together, everything is easy. Alone, it's harder than ever. When I know you are part of my life, that I'm not alone with my own thoughts, I feel I can do anything. Anything. Understand?
— Fratley... – Freya understood, as much as I am aware of her sobs and whispers – you know what? Your words... I said these things to myself after you left home. To myself, and nobody else. But this time, you are here to hear them out... I am not fooling. Sob... I was too afraid of admitting I had more than a crush on you to anyone. Ever since the beginning, the relationship we had was so wrong. Yet, so pure.
— Now that you are a bit older, I see nothing wrong – there's nothing wrong with a snail coming out the shell – and nothing stays pure in a world full of dust. Not that we can't handle polishment, right? Uh, jokes aside, Freya... when I left Burmecia, I thought you didn't needed me. I felt that I've taught you enough about what I knew about life that you would handle living in your own. Knowing isn't enough, if you aren't going to stay. Well, I had a lot of reasons to leave that place, but one that I didn't cared that much, the one I put at the lowest bottom... that too was a reason, I should have treated it with more importance. You are important for me, and at the moment, more than ever.
There's a difference between taking care and taking control. You raise a flower in the garden, or cut its stem and place it in a glass of water. Flowers can live on gardens, as much as they enjoy of some water for their own. The water you give them. It's different, you see. Like being close of someone, enough to feel the bad scents, or hear a good heart. You can't control a scent at the moment, as much as you can't control a heartbeat. Instead of chains wrapped around our bodies, I only see a pair of tails wrapped onto another. Freya Crescent... You are perfect. But there is no perfection, absolutes in a land of false men. If you can't forgive yourself, and I having no one to forgive in my place... If you are not perfect, and I flawed as the rest... Accept me as flawed struggling to be perfect in any way. Accept my germs together of a kiss.
...I don't know what I've said before. Maybe it was too much. Oh, who cares? I am feeling so many things right now. It's hard to sort the good from bad. There's something pure at taking someone's clothes, nasty as well. Exposing someone to the point they become vulnerable, yet at same time, to protect that vulnerability with your own. A body can take the damage; two bodies share of same damage. I feel ashamed, but I smile. Yes, it all began with a conversation. How long did it lasted, five minutes? How about ten? Well, let's not count how much time passes. For a mind trapped at past, worried by the future, I say let's enjoy the present.
Let's just enjoy it.
ns 15.158.61.8da2
