It was then when I had died.
You weren't expecting me to begin with that, were you? Well, if you got surprised with the very first sentence, then I suggest you stop reading. Now.
I woke up surrounded by light. I wasn't made of bone anymore. I felt weightless. I felt like I could fly. My eyes adjusted to the harsh bright lights. It smelled like. . .cream cheese? I sat up.
"Am I in heaven?" I had asked, to no one in particular.
"Pfft."
I furrowed my brows. Looking behind me, I saw a waiting room. It was pretty regular. There was an old lady at the desk, a small tv in the corner showing golf, and a few people waiting, flipping through magazines. Jazz played very softly.
"This is purgatory," the old lady explained, "Now sit down and tell me your age and full name before I send you to where you need to be."
"Oh, yes, of course," I said, making my way to the desk. I pulled out the chair and sat, eyeing the candy on her desk.
"Name?" she asked, looking quite bored already.
"Richard Brown."
She typed on her computer. You'd think they'd be high tech, but no. It seemed the last time they got stocked with computers were 1985. Yeah, the ones with the loud keyboards.
"Age?" Yep. She'd done this before.
"29," I answered. One of the guys, who looked to be older than me, was eyeing me. He looked to be mad. I wondered how long he'd been here.
The lady scrolled, and scrolled, and scrolled until it seemed she had found my name. "Hah. You're in hell," she answered, blatantly.
"I-" I started to say, but I was cut off.
"To the door on the left. Have fun in eternal torment, Mr. Brown," she said, barely looking up. Behind me, a guy dropped down, looking exactly as confused as I was. He had probably just arrived.
"Thank you?" I replied, opening the door.
Once I opened the door, I got sucked in. I heard screams. Of eternal torment? I wouldn't know. They weren't kidding, though. It was hot.
Whatever force was pulling me in through a tunnel of darkness led me right to the entrance. There was a tip jar at the front door. I left a tip for the guy.
Opening the main entrance door, I got greeted with a demon. He looked human, just sporting a tail and horns. He looked younger than me. Late teens, early twenties, maybe.
"Hello, Richy boy! I heard all about you! Your cause of death was very interesting indeed," the demon said.
"Hello?" I said, looking around me. There were stairs leading to nowhere, stairs leading up, stairs leading down. There were guys and girls just like me being shown around. There were cages high up in the sky where people were being beaten. I decided not to look around anymore. Then I wondered if this would be heaven for the people with a punishment kink.
"I'll be your demon for the rest of eternity!" he said, with a toothy smile, his hands on his hips.
"Err. . .uh, okay," I replied, a bit hesitant.
"Oh, am I not being scary enough? I'm really sorry, this is my second day. My co-workers always tell me I'm not mean or scary enough. I'll work on it, though," he explained.
"Oh, no, trust me, you don't have to," I said, chuckling.
"Oh, no I will! Later, though, I have to show you around. Then we'll talk about what in the hell you did to get yourself wound up in this place. I mean, I already know, so does everyone else, but I wanna hear it from the man himself!"
"Well that just makes total sense," I said, still wondering if I was dreaming or not.
"Now come with me. To the right of you is where the offices are, thats where us demons work if you got a desk job. Oh, I forgot to tell you, my name is Dalvorn!"
"Cool," I replied, my eyes occupied with a busty demon. I wondered why I couldn't get her for eternity.
"You looking at Agdrath? Yeah, she's popular with the demons, if you know what I mean," he said, leading me up one of the staircases.
"You mean demon sex?" I asked, now very intrigued, looking down below me.
"You better not be asking questions about that now. We have stuff to do. But to answer your question, it's rougher than you think."
"I didn't-"
"You were, don't be coy," Dalvorn said. He was right. I was going to ask.
"To your left is cage #1, where people with a fear of any specific type of animals get tormented." We stopped to watch someone almost getting bitten by a tiger. He was screaming for help.
"To your right is cage #2, pretty small and dark, thats were people with Claustrophobia are held. Next to that is cage #3, were people are repeatedly hung." He said without a care in the world. He waved to another demon who was touring another girl. We locked eyes for a moment. She seemed just about as confused as I was.
"Cage #4 is for burning, and the list goes on. Go through that alley and there's cages for miles, for anything that you can think of. There's a fear of everything, you know."
"What happens for people who are afraid of sex? Do they get raped?" I asked.
"What are you, a twelve year old boy? Get your mind offa that, we're in hell after all. Eternal torment? Remember that?" he asked as we continued through the never-ending street.
"It's an honest question. For a demon you're quite shy for certain matters. I was sure you've seen it all," I quipped.
"Over here," he said, changing the subject, "You'll find the questioning office."
"I wonder what happens there."
"You get questioned!" Dalvorn said, with a smile. I had guessed he didn't know what sarcasm was.
He opened the door to the office. He led me through cubicles and offices and waiting rooms. Finally, he led me to what I assumed was his office. He seemed to like Earth's Star Wars. There was posters on his walls. There was also figures on his bookshelf.
"Come, sit." He motioned me to the chair next to his desk. I sat on it. It was the spinning kind.
Dalvorn got comfortable on his own, much larger chair. He smiled, crossing his arms. "Now, Rich, let's discuss how you got here in the first place. Something involving a flamethrower if I remember correctly?"
"It's a long story," I replied, scratching the back of my head. I didn't want to get into it.
"You have time. Actually you have until the end of time! So get started, come on," Dalvorn urged.
"Alright," I started, "So here's how it all happened:
I was walking through the street one night. It was chilly. By the time I got out of college, I was broke. Having left my run-down apartment, I was on my way to McDonalds for dinner. I didn't have a girlfriend, or a job, or family anywhere near me.
I wasn't really the type to get caught up in street fights, and when I saw one on the side walk, further up where I was walking, so I decided to cross the road, like any sane person.
Soon, a black BMW pulled up next to me. It was one of those expensive, electric ones. The man inside rolled down the window. He looked frantic. He asked me, 'Are you the one named Chris Johnson?'
And, me being me, with nothing better to do on a Tuesday night said, 'Yes, I am Chris Johnson.'"
"Wait, he was looking for another guy?" Dalvorn asked in the middle of my retelling of the story.
"He was. Now let me finish," I said, getting quite annoyed. "So anyway:
He said to me, 'Get in the car'. So I did. I wasn't that hungry for McDonalds anyway.
He pressed on the pedal and we sped down the empty street. He asked me if I had gotten briefed about the situation yet.
'No', I had said.
The man then said, 'Operation A, kill the rabbit had failed horribly. Jason is dead, along with Tyler and Kelly. Now it's time for Operation B. We'll attack from all sides, but your team are our breachers.' The man handed me a flamethrower and a light machine gun.
We sped down the highway as he explained to me that I was leading a group of twenty-or-so men right into the main building of their enemies.
He left the highway, into a bustling city, unlike the one I was in before. He pulled twists and turns until he pointed to a run-down building to my left. He parked at the abandoned building next to it.
There, apparently was the team that I was going to be leading into that mess. I was told to get suited up, completed with a helmet and everything. Apparently the 'birds' were already up in the sky, and the normal attackers were getting ready at the back entrance. All we needed to do was cause the initial damage.
So in we went, damaging all security cameras and locks. I had been equipped with my grenade, and the Operation leader started the countdown.
'1,' he said.
'Breach!' I yelled as I rammed through the door, completely unequipped.
'Flash out!' another guy yelled, throwing the initial grenade through the now opened door.
Immediately we heard alarms buzz. 'Move in,' I said as we moved in through the front door. There were already guys there, who popped out of desks and started shooting at us. We all dropped down and used the desks as cover. I knew how to shoot already, having been to the gun range a couple of times.
We made it up pretty close, until I got shot 200 times with a machine gun. It was then when I had died."
"That's. . . pretty anti-climactic," Dalvorn stated, sitting back.
"I'm a pretty anti-climactic guy," I said. "Where to next?"
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