其實她沒有忘記那些老師的臉,只是沒有太深刻,可能因為她由此至終都是沉悶的學生。209Please respect copyright.PENANAtUgnugVufM
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小學,那樣久遠,卻有很多回憶湧現——209Please respect copyright.PENANARgO1S1qV8s
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家裡窮,那些要錢才能學的才藝,她通通無份。209Please respect copyright.PENANAlMfDjIIehd
209Please respect copyright.PENANAUqNPp3XOsN
她總是很羨慕人多才多藝——不是妒忌,而是羨慕,那些在學業以外的興趣太吸引,身邊能把它們玩得好的人,在她眼中都在閃閃發亮。尤其是,一項才藝往往有道具的配合,譬如舞衣、小提琴、畫具、跆拳道服,很帥氣。209Please respect copyright.PENANAV3vIXvhpbb
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因此,在發現學校有許多校隊招攬時,便盡量表現,希望可以試多點。高小時期,她是舞蹈隊、廣播劇隊、繪畫隊、笛隊的成員,用來配合學校訓練,出去參加比賽。209Please respect copyright.PENANA4W28M0ac7I
209Please respect copyright.PENANA3ncwtyTUfG
那些比賽的日子總是很近,臨近呈分試,她依然不想落下任何一個活動,只要可以,就趕上訓練。三點放學,先去必要人齊的廣播劇,四點半到舞蹈隊拉筋,然後被老師罵:209Please respect copyright.PENANADnv4EMmPfD
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「有好多嘢做又點?遲到就係心散。」209Please respect copyright.PENANA88RYnkRzwT
209Please respect copyright.PENANA9vLkJ0AouE
想來可笑,現在她已不能柔軟地「拍蝴蝶」,但是,老師罵她後,她便無時無刻念記舞步的記憶,還在。209Please respect copyright.PENANAlmdtwaJFnS
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七點放學,天空只有一片黑。209Please respect copyright.PENANAMhWjX3LSCz
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廣播劇和跳舞都很好玩,一班人,一同為一個故事演出,練到有肌肉記憶,聽到背景音樂便入狀態,實在難忘。209Please respect copyright.PENANAnq7Q1Hw7mt
209Please respect copyright.PENANAidOALphBOI
令林蓁覺得辛苦的是,笛及繪畫。209Please respect copyright.PENANAReZ6RLp6tI
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吹笛要天份——即使是兒時人人都玩的牧童笛。音樂考試後,林蓁便被選去笛隊,她還沾沾自喜——一級的笛隊只得三人,那樣難得。209Please respect copyright.PENANAMdfpZmTFNo
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可是,她很快發現,人與人之間確實存在差距,並非輕易填滿。和她一起參賽的另外兩位同學,都懂得運氣,吹出來的音色更加圓渾,而她只憑肺部吐出氣息,聽來薄弱。209Please respect copyright.PENANAU1785add5S
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最初,她還以為自己可以憑努力練習,拉近與同學的差距,但原來不能。無論她怎樣嘗試以丹田運氣,表現與原先所差無幾。單從結果上看,就像她沒有練習過。209Please respect copyright.PENANAHU4guDKIqB
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她感到無力。209Please respect copyright.PENANAZong3cz0R5
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繪畫也是。由於校內視覺藝術科的成績不錯,便被老師挑選到繪畫隊。209Please respect copyright.PENANAzImGiimVkE
209Please respect copyright.PENANAsyfNBXkq7I
她生平第一次意識到——也是往後如此認知——自己一點美術天份也沒有,沒有創意、沒有美感觸覺,沒有對顏色及佈局的概念,總之,每幅畫都是極吃力地畫出來,若是不滿意,便砍掉重練,不斷畫、不斷比較,209Please respect copyright.PENANAVkDbftmKIz
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最後都被同學嘲笑:「你憑咩同我哋一齊入嚟啊?」她本人也不知。209Please respect copyright.PENANA3JvVxyyN1w
209Please respect copyright.PENANAScfszzWbbb
結果,牧童笛考試及視藝科成績再好,用處只能是:讓她認清自身美術的平庸。209Please respect copyright.PENANA17IB1wqoX9
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從此,她沒有再接觸過音樂及美術。209Please respect copyright.PENANAxjjnoe1w1a
209Please respect copyright.PENANA3R6Z2EDMhH
至於舞蹈及廣播劇,升讀中學後,她便也沒有再碰。209Please respect copyright.PENANAcw9GEoV6lH
209Please respect copyright.PENANArfgyVc81bi
校內沒有廣播劇,而她在中一已留意學校舞蹈學會,發現成員們全是專業學過跳舞的,中國舞現代舞爵士舞芭蕾舞等等等等,有獎項有證書。沒有人比較,或許學會亦不理會舞蹈根基、不介意她其實連一字馬這基本功也做不好,但她早早自慚形穢,走得遠遠。209Please respect copyright.PENANA74MouWz6yV
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哇,原來十年前的事彷如昨日。209Please respect copyright.PENANA2FoIH9q1Os
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//209Please respect copyright.PENANAmMGIJ7i8Gy
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看見課室與舊時沒有什麼分別,便教林蓁想起一個同學,花名叫「鼻屎杰」——她竟已忘記他的本名。209Please respect copyright.PENANA6IWYkTYSy1
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鼻屎杰皮膚很白,像沒有血色,眉毛淡淡,眼睛小小,嘴巴紅紅,說話時,口水總在拉絲,牙齒上有許多泡泡。209Please respect copyright.PENANAvh1cnlShN4
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在小學時期,大家都異常興奮(相比中學、大學),控制不住吵鬧、調皮,唯獨是鼻屎杰,沉默寡言,只愛看書,有時是《丁丁歷險記》,有時是直排密密麻麻的小說,有時是圖文並茂的大自然詭秘探索系列。林蓁坐他斜前方,她總是好奇他在看什麼,但又與他不熟,便只是盯著書封,一語不發。209Please respect copyright.PENANACx5Qjp6bcn
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他便將櫃桶的另一本書拿出來,遞給她。209Please respect copyright.PENANAvmWFeIMg8i
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二人不算好友,畢竟沒有什麼話聊,但她總感覺和他是投契的朋友。當時她不喜歡聒噪的男生,覺得好幼稚——拿著一張只考57分的試卷還興奮地跑來跑去,再踢另一個男同學。文靜的男生是少數,她知道鼻屎杰就是獨特的一群。209Please respect copyright.PENANAaNFO3K4IA1
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直至他被人說污糟邋遢。209Please respect copyright.PENANA56qWvz30iD
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譬如,到處撩鼻屎再將其黏到桌子、椅子上,去廁所周圍噴,常沾到褲腳,不洗頭不洗澡,身上有異味。209Please respect copyright.PENANA11QUSPpbHW
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他從此起被稱為「鼻屎杰」,這花名竟被她記到廿一歲,甚至覆蓋原先記憶。209Please respect copyright.PENANA0Z1vKu8m5y
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林蓁聽見這些話,只有不解。209Please respect copyright.PENANAOoj9UtPc51
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「佢無啊?你哋覺得佢污糟咩?揭開啲書都好乾淨。」209Please respect copyright.PENANARPgvFWI1zL
209Please respect copyright.PENANA971Opqqn3R
「你睇吓佢個樣,成日好多口水泡泡,就算係咁撩鼻屎都唔出奇。」209Please respect copyright.PENANAqNLPdctT66
209Please respect copyright.PENANA5sMGZGwjPI
「但佢無喎……張枱好乾淨。」209Please respect copyright.PENANA94u2voixIo
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當時林蓁不理會別人怎想,依然會在小息時,跟鼻屎杰留在課室裡聊天。她分明見到他的桌子,或是書本筆袋之類的物件都十分乾淨,因此更篤信那是流言。209Please respect copyright.PENANAxbuSDA1sOV
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直至他的桌子上真的出現許多污垢。209Please respect copyright.PENANAzhfGraa66V
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椅子也是。209Please respect copyright.PENANAGWu6xjkWnD
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他的同桌、後座的桌子上也有疑似鼻屎的東西。209Please respect copyright.PENANAudJ4rMOd1M
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總之,圍繞他身邊的位置都黏附了一些黑黑灰灰、黃黃啡啡的泥膠狀污垢。最後就連林蓁的椅背也開始沾上。誰都說是鼻屎杰弄到如此。209Please respect copyright.PENANAET50mDLWY7
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班上形成了一股排擠的氣氛——說得太好聽了,只是當全部人也討厭一個人時,便是那獨一個人的問題。209Please respect copyright.PENANACGGT9oyJMk
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倒是沒有粗魯暴力的手段,209Please respect copyright.PENANAoaDSUAtxCt
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常識專題研習分組時,一小個圈一小個圈都形成了組別,全班也嘻嘻哈哈,找朋友繼續傾八卦。當時林蓁已與好友組一人,還欠一人,好友說:「聽候老師發落。」209Please respect copyright.PENANAugGvMq8X62
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她應允,卻希望與鼻屎杰一組,反正見他按兵不動,一直坐在座位,應是未有組。209Please respect copyright.PENANA4DLcEJ0qPN
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結果全班都分好組,只剩鼻屎杰和另外一人沒有。209Please respect copyright.PENANAxvAnOENUh5
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老師問:「有無人想同XX杰一組?」209Please respect copyright.PENANA6SIT3UpgzB
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全班沉默。林蓁說:「我哋可以。」209Please respect copyright.PENANArEFdnKj8jh
209Please respect copyright.PENANAh4x72Dlobo
「咩我哋?我唔要同鼻屎杰一組!」209Please respect copyright.PENANAPDFS5fg01w
209Please respect copyright.PENANAixdJKKuro8
這花名還是首次大大聲地被揚了出來,以往不過是背後竊竊私語。209Please respect copyright.PENANAiK6qDTQF9m
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「我哋仲差一個人。」林蓁只懂回應。209Please respect copyright.PENANA0QcIgsbRaN
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「我想同XXX(另一個同學)一組。」209Please respect copyright.PENANAORxlsfVIOT
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「OK,咁有無人想同XX杰一組?」老師問。209Please respect copyright.PENANA8CH4KKFOXE
209Please respect copyright.PENANAmrr2KYgIim
老師當然聽見同學們不喜歡鼻屎杰,但她也不想插手,若是理會同學之間的糾紛,實在麻煩,人與人之間本就有很多互看不順的時候,又難分對錯,插手亦無結果。209Please respect copyright.PENANAopBGHpqf3S
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全班又沉默,沒有人願意和鼻屎杰一組。209Please respect copyright.PENANAPWf6ywojMa
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全班沉默了好久,林蓁再次舉手:「我可以同佢一組。」209Please respect copyright.PENANAgLuGFK2OZJ
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「唔得。」遭到組員反對。209Please respect copyright.PENANANQPgDLTjuZ
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她也很想堅持,但上秒再要求一遍,已耗盡她的勇氣。她和鼻屎杰不算很親的朋友,至少不比組員熟悉。全班都莫名地討厭鼻屎杰,她似乎沒有堅持的理由——是不是要為了他,為別人歸到「不受歡迎」那一群?209Please respect copyright.PENANACnsGblbaw0
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最後她不再作聲。209Please respect copyright.PENANA1AGZbKf62Y
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心裡一直覺得做錯了事,對於無緣無故的與人紛擾,她無所適從,也不明白為何會有那麼多的喜歡和不喜歡,甚至化作行為上的討厭,將意向表明。由始至終,她也有點懦弱,只不過想息事寧人,似乎沒有什麼必堅持不可的原則,譬如道理。209Please respect copyright.PENANAu7C8llwheJ
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林蓁對上鼻屎杰的眼睛,急急低頭,心跳很快。209Please respect copyright.PENANAliO6g3R4Rm
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他絲毫沒有責怪的意味,反而帶著感謝地對她笑了笑。209Please respect copyright.PENANAzK62SwgN6B
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這才最讓林蓁慚愧。209Please respect copyright.PENANAMZCXvgHcg2
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之後的日子裡,她比以往少了和鼻屎杰說話,不是因為討厭他,而是,自己好像沒有什麼理由再和他交好。她若作為朋友,首先保全自身利益,好像也不夠堅定。209Please respect copyright.PENANAGRgwtrfXlh
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後來她終於為何鼻屎杰被說髒亂。209Please respect copyright.PENANAjDqEv9qmv1
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只是某次班裡,B同學在炫耀最新款的遊戲機時(長大後的林蓁已忘記是什麼),鼻屎杰沒有抬眼看一下;所有人都聽他的,唯獨有個靜靜坐著的身影完全忽視自己——總是淡淡,好似他珍視的一切、可以炫耀的一切,根本毫不緊要。209Please respect copyright.PENANA9KI1PCRhE1
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B同學心中莫名出現一種不適,沒有由來的討厭。209Please respect copyright.PENANAKkxGdTkClg
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「你哋如果周圍講XX杰亂掟鼻屎,我就借遊戲機畀你哋玩。」209Please respect copyright.PENANAIH6vm27PPP
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「好!」有人說。209Please respect copyright.PENANAwVBZh27b8e
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「好似唔係咁好喎……」另一些人說。209Please respect copyright.PENANAO3IraXPZUQ
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「唔緊要,我唔借畀你都得。」B同學說。209Please respect copyright.PENANA05OuWeEmpz
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「哈!咁我哋有得玩、你哋無得玩lu。」有人說。209Please respect copyright.PENANAsUMjwMR4s5
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那是一個如果沒有看大家都在看的動畫、便會插不進話題的年齡;就算過後可以繼續聊天,都因「人哋有但我無」而失落,就算聊到今天的功課和體育堂,明天有看動畫的人又圍聚一起聊新一集劇情——更甚的是,有的動畫還出了卡片遊戲或玩具,又多了共鳴。209Please respect copyright.PENANAjvaPa3x9ky
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「唔好。借埋畀我哋玩。」209Please respect copyright.PENANAznxWNfryyG
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B同學以遊戲機為誘,令班上大部分男同學都聽他的話,說鼻屎杰將鼻屎亂扔。女同學本身跟鼻屎杰不熟,也怕污糟,因此與他更是疏遠,接過他傳過來的功課時,露出嫌棄神色。209Please respect copyright.PENANA24a0vkEFTe
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起因竟僅此而已。209Please respect copyright.PENANASJrWsBckv0
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——後來,她終於知道他被排擠是B同學搞出來的鬼,更是沒有立場說什麼。因為,她也知道,除了什麼玩具、遊戲機,其實B同學當時還喜歡她,他對別人都粗聲粗氣,唯獨對著她時陰聲細氣,還會聊些不著邊際的話題。她和鼻屎杰坐得近,也會借故說話,投緣地笑。這些那些,也許都構成B同學帶頭排擠鼻屎杰的理由。她不肯定,但如此相信。209Please respect copyright.PENANAR9Et40GyBK
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歸咎自身之後,又想起那時她沒有更大膽地說一聲:209Please respect copyright.PENANAs1QNHQmhBp
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「我要同佢一組!」表明立場,便更愧疚。209Please respect copyright.PENANARq47mhB2VG
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鼻屎杰的無妄之災,實在無辜,她這罪魁禍首卻只是做作地自我對話,愧疚一下。若是解釋,更覺無謂,難道說:209Please respect copyright.PENANAAeQ7BWNNLt
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「你畀人排擠係因為B同學唔鍾意你,同埋,佢鍾意我。」209Please respect copyright.PENANAbDnaKf9EfT
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何必。209Please respect copyright.PENANAluKHWh6FYg
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很快便調位,二人再沒說過話,畢業後更難聯絡。209Please respect copyright.PENANAVBuriOmFBu
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只是有時,林蓁睡不著的時候,會想起這件事。209Please respect copyright.PENANA4UaKALTcXy