穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtYuoAPxQTE
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡijUjX6EbSW
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVMlduhjuX5
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoruBeWJbGF
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaT8LDm2B4m
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7CIHf7cm8b
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlrVKrLV9I9
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiCNoJ8ubf7
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqDrIU6vcsT
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKpue7VNuh9
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm13fHQk1B3
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4nek9CFWYk
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK10tiXTXBW
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXwJSAabSJc
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsTmDzmy9t3
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1UV1Zz26QH
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXCOdrH4od1
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhfsS2WE5F9
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYGkOukz8vL
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiGBfNXP2rS
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuTkivO0cto
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZcwbXCVy2y
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1aqAYBNwm0
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaracO2Ii56
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkgepiFrgfc
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrvn2NX6Ihr
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQEu91g0exV
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNfCyIOTKCR
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ3CLlaeMxm
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEr3UJu1SiB
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDUcgGhRtyS
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeplaP4BnyS
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFSlxdeFcu4
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSOvj7vovZr
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUgZAfs5JKl
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz0QeoodQtH
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJXNC5MUWii
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡml4yoqiu8H
「鍾意你。」他說。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi4bVAXkePl
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc2bEWSHaJv
「我都係。」她應。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIJ5wV2uzvn
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ49IGhFodEL
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2teikE8ltn
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9W3cDbj46b
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0sOm2JGDjj
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRb73JRQaIe
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡENGdN90iKT
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqf5YnvTx4K
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDCQjM2k1dt
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKvh2pzbPCc
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXxidYmGNWA
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHV0UcOyKqo
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiarR5rVJnM
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUYADlkhKQ0
二人過後做愛、入睡。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSCr6AUmWg5
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuM6BetHTYg
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa0jSCxGHG9
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSU4ZgsGuoL
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3KtsxubWkp
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwhuzm4YqVO
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLuTKs7S5vQ
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4qKFhOytfA
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0NndLvKsVp
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0jVAQgNA6Y
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡywk5jPbJqo
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNcwgzXHtUA
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTvQ9IAInVv
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5GCG7A4WUa
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0hybWXlgOF
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxzgPYy2zUq
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeqKw7ovY0m
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4O4eYM7YQW
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx0YjpPAyAI
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaO0NsqC4Wx
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL6s8FXeRoW
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh7R5YknqtD
她糊糊塗塗。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡylpOLTWMyS
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ZZNfc7XED
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE83cHU1kjE
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwSBP4pA02O
最怕空虛。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAdhHY4JIWn
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxB8SbpUBQu
/318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Hhr9TCn3w
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcFuff1Ay0Y
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAkfxAWyX4p
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjqFFncRO5T
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6bv5mlgpUl
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLNmCdgd5Md
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHLxiNSeI0l
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlDRHkOPjc8
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRIzYHOgMdW
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6rovilK1Ad
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQCuYjFtEvb
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPpj23bMrLA
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkoXPfGL7I9
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMnC6wE9jUQ
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq613X5rXDj
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2oGXidp2q0
她不過在日常之中夢遊。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAPqU9vo3SB
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr0tsiyi9CY
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsYOikd4vpX
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9RCN534TqM
「上年12月開始。」318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrjsOFybXND
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqKmSMbJJZm
「頻率係？」318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDnZOAPhTAx
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2MFik6LV8H
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAzXaCjpvU5
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9bt4B40c4z
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmisy85Ujam
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXIV7eG4Wws
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpissducrnN
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZNXccYhNEE
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡilYIHuX7jk
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK95GoSM3oV
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCjmxc1azyX
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo0eX3eb8f9
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVi9TGe8bTD
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjnGUfpv0xe
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeR1GkCpv9x
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyi3HJYwz7h
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKxbMwbfLmf
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY9lck6qh0J
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcfsz7K7iny
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbq1WpHeXax
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3P723NPtJK
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡElbnYwZHoa
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Q6P2p1nwC
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8vslt9UsFN
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAMdGMcXjRa
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDx5CmtvkyQ
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzoFhU2M0se
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjZxYD6i3SN
連傾訴都不真誠。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPDvQKpi2dI
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRW5QZKMHg9
不開心又不去死。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtK4Lo7ikPt
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUZHUNu1Y0t
不去死又不改變。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVSOj5l6N4C
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5dlRaUiyop
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsFjC6N9WcS
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwhbvzZMNdF
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKlU2CyfNIz
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDE5i4WSptd
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwX2ixB9bnd
318Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0TXwOvI3ef
