穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDcJ2GiWQTK
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKpRzJKYpch
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCSo5OLxnwr
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjiKZ24f5P0
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFH7oYh9Ebz
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5dD1zSxFVd
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnhkFYGrJ5Q
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ828O2ztfJC
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR6x4dWTSS6
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAtXaYrVzRs
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6g6vVaMtwi
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2YMC003CoP
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH9LWfXHffD
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2WnoVXVg0d
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMqolMDiDkI
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9dVF1QNBcV
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSMNULiVoaW
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrOcgkkgtJK
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFcsPpF5G6S
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDSE9wYv6M9
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmmqFivJP4S
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAyX8ftDGRJ
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4lnZFKTzca
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK9qsFCuE4D
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsMPXWZQ0aa
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX5PuGt0bDE
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpA1Spd2qvm
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfHalzjw1dY
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡApFq110Fu8
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjvb6kofVkO
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXSyPXuOmEu
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0UQHc65osD
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5DbzRrV3HA
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpvsT57xiUO
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmYm11ZNXW1
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf0ctwoy5mp
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Ui1XVglK5
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0bNTShFJO4
「鍾意你。」他說。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzVWe948hiW
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSOXFcpOLej
「我都係。」她應。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH8e7vKsy44
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsxNOTUHJRx
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvKUygGirKD
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ93Jy7We2q
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxIZK60uLaT
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ03YYRs8244
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOUreZFUmB1
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA7bWNJBNEx
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYgMVJzPXiv
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN9vE27TG8v
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNi1hnckTvW
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡby62aqxs3D
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEVYwZqS63h
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuE1qKwpakK
二人過後做愛、入睡。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXaG6EzuQ73
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDSxcEZYpLL
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKrY2XNVfg6
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZGc25oTMRo
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrGMzir7CWg
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRu8Gi7Q9X8
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBYFgalQhzY
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB6wbkJAnXN
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1DtJGrmjc7
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc7mQstuoJ4
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmKxqJU1Sj9
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUY3BdFgHJP
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCNSowAUhQE
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo9aNP1YWCO
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoe9xlqJdWM
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhMcF8efizC
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEColHtS3DZ
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnd3AgIDfXk
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCEMzDPLIzm
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZOgdjTKQxJ
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuwzZeLWJXs
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRVImHX1lZe
她糊糊塗塗。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNVMXqy32HA
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEm3lbhY3Wh
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡksQdG1zY31
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXokImyzRps
最怕空虛。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjWgyBIg66k
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡghbfzkdfR0
/244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0OQtQvVGgM
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbM4JbUtZ2k
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5wCOYlLYhW
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5pGkSyo9ua
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGfAm2x96gG
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡySPE3FxQjl
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHkSPLCV1Dt
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg4g7ScwaLB
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEh9KCr04Xm
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUITO4ImVJP
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3svHWuDfRr
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7iT2oayw2u
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdv3ZRe5aHg
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS8d73o1ujT
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjCdRD8S6c8
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNrOWO4iWBn
她不過在日常之中夢遊。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Q4MgpW21I
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP2UJ7QZ9y9
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzG0pEDQ0H6
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVexYi4OrIQ
「上年12月開始。」244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtyJCe13UXU
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtN8yaYm6en
「頻率係？」244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1e84r80X3W
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4DQDWsdt3n
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTexPzRksA6
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjlPSqxxfn7
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtpEhFxyMpN
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOgMWrErauX
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwwgidgCAZY
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA2LX5Y1nkf
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHzKrV5UCbJ
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAGDXJi1sIz
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXO1QoDfvjH
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzYILkx6eVp
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnB8euLtpI9
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6SYqY7gbTl
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJxDcVElEXC
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3JqZd0Rdu6
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9NhiwSTNrI
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3m2kyWLqUL
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPvhKW4EF5n
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOcmBLw9JZA
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr46q7xgvNB
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ94jNhAUGpn
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwnwYCqoPyf
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfv8b1nwHbG
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8mxkNVf6yO
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgk76fkm0Tt
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2OCCHuAXOJ
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUPMUGouMoo
連傾訴都不真誠。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBBCPeeBJVT
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsj7wbfIh5z
不開心又不去死。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiAripiqET3
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOZGGVrmGiU
不去死又不改變。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrhWPlBfFZQ
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMsrXeUJ6kD
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9VfoiHHqwc
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKGghEdAPAZ
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn5SK28oPcP
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJTRto04TOd
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT2TI14uJIt
244Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB41UGmIozC
