穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡShq1J99WyK
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ33ldfQBsVW
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYSMaf04WSh
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaTDrcv10Lc
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZTQZHSbFFG
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbHr41nhtoJ
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3PG6VoZGhu
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuaZD61NbVu
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzD5wXFHG2f
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡukqk2OE8yn
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf6pB3k4mPn
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwWkS0jKc6N
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfVNlzLVNiC
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKjQ6xjRRDm
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0I7aAlwY3N
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡABFYoFFKot
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX3zAPW6Bri
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUCDDECo7QD
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoyUS5JNWUo
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6hQXnSfrmG
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1jHGY4Bxb8
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8njZRcDbLp
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBbNs4HgcYH
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡamCKV91ihC
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh1w9QpvTFn
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxz71N99SAP
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL8P1loT0OY
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuWcejdmeUq
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuHQGiyJKmz
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkorzxqDiuB
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0BKnunrcRB
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ93GHLeRbqZ
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnZPGvwULKk
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyOhl9atBpO
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsMEQVjRrr6
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTeolr9dRNn
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ94AKaOAd2
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf2LHDuPfe2
「鍾意你。」他說。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Dxb2kOhfh
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGZYDPs4B4b
「我都係。」她應。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxHfmDa05Pp
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuhzyxwa5Ol
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD0L1IwGNeD
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhasK18AQEf
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX0uFtid7mK
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDKyzZc6pbS
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoWQ3S0JS0n
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmREuhsRLxB
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEMUIbAzQjE
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTMkGzBuhCv
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIaVqwmzymt
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm8iFipom73
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY4OTm7cRoZ
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDJoeF9ozqP
二人過後做愛、入睡。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyd4c0rWWju
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4CnVYUF4wf
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcq4ZSHh8hc
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ67DZvTxTe4
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3VscyXFVw5
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW4tRXwy9sd
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy4fh1E7NCL
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7IwCApNaAD
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYNb0Ny0SM5
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQb80Wxilfq
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmZusm4Tdcf
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOSUQKULWUk
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYuOtdIfMJJ
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdnAt8svShX
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7IpXNMGYDd
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4tUu0oD371
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHieHC2vaZv
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZFMNGcNANH
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡojbFnD6QU2
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8nCAG1WOjU
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnPMf05z8Yl
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhkBQVFyLzL
她糊糊塗塗。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtan34DpC9j
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpSzpxcpOe6
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMfzsYASLjP
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK7wisWo1y3
最怕空虛。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMMB5YhQb2X
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtypzdpQ6Fa
/224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzZzhQsU5BU
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7uS2zynabS
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ2SxSvoi3t
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNHF6w6CMiV
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2H6yOufRx9
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPSorK5Wjv5
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhfvoWbVY0h
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfHW9euTEbV
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSbuJZEm6do
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEa45hceCgY
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLljKOxQpBe
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOl44gRNGIv
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLb7e4bUEjp
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4I29r958pw
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRIvCjQ5LOl
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSuwVXvryFH
她不過在日常之中夢遊。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoP98ksyyZR
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnlET08IE9a
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1d9vk8uXPD
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvOQ5Ojxhsn
「上年12月開始。」224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzJqQfjbxaX
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUBUZ5RSQZS
「頻率係？」224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTwKjigv3ZL
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBzOGD85bT7
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1WxplSZT2g
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhDEvDYvu7X
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUBjFGPiFno
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWqtIpghwoZ
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4AiqJF6rLZ
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFmYRNn8HIu
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuOaQctMcVK
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWG9ycM1whw
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGXBbitXEbY
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNa7hHRz47H
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoMC95DPany
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuOqs7K5Irt
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuUCPLRhhXD
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgSGA6Y7rx3
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0KnqRFSwek
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfJg6FJS3IG
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEZfCLf65Ho
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡthpWJvHl0c
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiZGILaDFPi
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEexycGvj8w
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQpntt5bdgz
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSSwGIvKuEk
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvwGYsMvc1j
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRqm0Eoop7b
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsRBOLJpQ1k
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjxWFE16Xis
連傾訴都不真誠。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPtfxSssif0
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcA5fAAXysY
不開心又不去死。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdQBP0pd5lO
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwUe3TGFhiS
不去死又不改變。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNcTz1PnARy
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5kxy5WEwJ1
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2iKftAtaTD
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd0MgkAxTwD
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEpMbkXfA1D
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6a2LEBAG6C
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSReRxinimM
224Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2l7XTsWDTF
