穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQRDCVIEKk1
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb8132gHeWr
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdSYd4ooLMe
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEbTYPgzaIN
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaBzR3WPnwJ
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2iNb3p5Cq0
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD5FpPGutCc
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnG7r5vEBtb
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHv0b5PqBcK
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnWQPnl0Vcl
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Z5CZgxibI
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB9AORsI63R
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7crqTrDgAR
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKOB7jDoIwx
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbt0gcloBeN
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiMuvlkdzqo
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOsjkVumsvG
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7wlSwHDfW0
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSeeegP4vHj
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUaAThFIlzD
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6NxPzDfBm5
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvhwlF9VrVu
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyvtXTChH2B
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgxDyIvQD1S
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIvb5R90zQT
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡshrYGOJhcb
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM3XKKJh589
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW63vP52c8z
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡohCrBLJXW8
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Gk45ccEHO
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfRDT4VOqC9
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ02cuwh4Xmb
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHBQp9CbSmN
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ3enAGxIvO
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvtp6gkiTLE
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs1GlGrQpBC
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6G4S8Yhl7k
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGEzv1amaAS
「鍾意你。」他說。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbJyIOdj5o0
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9koCIstIuh
「我都係。」她應。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ86jRhu1sP5
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI7BDyYvb2T
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTtn5oMg6Lp
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgG9LNV28vW
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcwafOavGwq
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpU4T9hPKcW
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqcFpWmUT1M
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRpFsL7fuvm
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY8kS5UaHGr
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoIMzpOU2KR
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGd6oQDmG0L
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvFqUn8V4ub
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj43UBsIDSg
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgCpkJ8N4xQ
二人過後做愛、入睡。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNWlxEQ82Aw
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWr8oFf7d5P
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtJUSPzkqDD
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMw6VoaWGCb
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWyro6rAHl6
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ98pjL1f42v
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5vLaMQkTag
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9LiOB7sTEQ
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmW5sSM4NCD
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgua32eiywH
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgMKyEcd7Sy
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSaUr3IFq7z
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvAUR8HrAIH
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvqVz8dJpQ3
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKmTot9SMzP
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4UU12YgRgw
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuKd2lDuXPB
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡggfs1iEIcy
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEzhyxZEqc9
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTQJyKYXL2u
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡob485nEdvX
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbpoEPHYjyy
她糊糊塗塗。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡceAf4xSvtM
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJxikeVfCef
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIxdWql7yj8
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRbENXMXfXf
最怕空虛。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbtAec5sL9O
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/260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB8Z9rhqRag
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兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡehv2fnDoEW
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJorUV0omjB
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcQ8ElF31xM
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeQreyitphP
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCHyXamK03T
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKc3SG2BIzD
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGzM1ZLL0Cg
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvaXI72Zqwv
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm2v3HzVplX
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDhMWPkCKcM
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwkAYnKxRWe
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9E29x0eIvE
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwgo1jtenLH
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡykfkuoAlB2
她不過在日常之中夢遊。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO5LQlFkEh3
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡptk794eayK
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEmXwgA8cCt
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQmaHAonaCA
「上年12月開始。」260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWSZWoyWeBA
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgrMZKAr6As
「頻率係？」260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡooJ9asH1uu
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE9V3MB6qVN
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCfOMScXIml
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhdKPUg9es2
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJDjKOwJjJC
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXFa2BDl7br
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKcuKFROODt
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDhNFa7eRN3
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYLxNHWTBUj
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg62e7dt0S7
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxWdBiu0SdO
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk5s46PKj86
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡST0D1CuA0P
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTRqW3L6Nui
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoKAs87a9RW
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTCLnf1NqCZ
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6r2YZqNIZk
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKocU0taIk4
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡih6eA9VWKA
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6fpf1DzwrL
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiilZV0TrWw
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdzygZLXLW1
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWejNoVoIRP
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG88aWXwdW1
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxGw14J7sps
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2eM24Z6tNq
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2qiIY8E69z
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTnBqyS8ehv
連傾訴都不真誠。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwEssDENJ3q
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3sJGHyacaN
不開心又不去死。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2NmVuqAC4F
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不去死又不改變。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy6ZJrCavf9
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMpvdZrIm4R
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfUlCOX5A0w
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhb1QZQtovI
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLUJEDMH24V
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTBG4W55u2H
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVFr2KF1KiS
260Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHcRWm0GJDl
