Leena and I sat on the couch, eating our pizza as we looked for a TV show to settle on. I left my phone in the bedroom to avoid any temptation of checking it or desperately sending a text to Brent. Things needed to move slowly. As much as my mind hoped it was ready, it was far from it. There was still a lot I needed to get through, and honestly, I should see a therapist. I knew it was the smart thing to do, but it was the last thing I wanted to do. Why should I spill everything to a stranger when I had a perfectly good friend here? Just forget the fact that I spilled all my emotions out on the floor of the phone store to a stranger earlier. Therapy is a totally different vibe and I didn't know if it fit me. But neither were public meltdowns.
I glanced at Leena, rotating through what she had said about Brent and curiosity got the best of me. "What all did you see that made you believe he would be perfect for me, besides the fact that he didn't shy away from my breakdown?"
She set her empty plate down on the table and tied her tight curls into a bun as she turned her body to face me. "It wasn't just what I saw, it's also what he said," she replied with a grin. "I did some digging on our walk to the shop and I found out he is incredibly family oriented and his job is hard work. He builds decks and fences for a local company, and that kind of job takes a lot of dedication, strength, and A LOT of patience, which I saw come out during your breakdown. I truly believe he would be good for you when you're ready."
I let the information sink in and swirled my crust around in the puddle of ranch on my plate. He really did sound perfect; a true manly man. Hard working and family oriented only made me assume he would be a gentleman. You couldn't be family oriented and be an asshole. "He sounds too good to be true," I said almost grimly.
Leena's grin faded and she pushed me gently with her foot. "You should seem more happy about that."
I shrugged. "A lot could happen between now and the time I am ready. He may not even like me, or just decide in the end I'm way too big of a problem." I snorted. "I'm damaged goods, no man in his right state of mind is going to want me." She kicked me harder, right in the knee. I hissed and rubbed it with my free hand. "Ow, what the hell?"
"Change your goddamn mindset right now," she scolded me, a frown settled deep on her lips. "One, he went and paid your first phone bill today. Two, he has been interested since literally the night you met. You ghosted him, and yet here he is trying to help you off your ass a year later. I think he is well aware you're damaged and guess what, Sophie. Not once, but twice now, he has held you and comforted you through major breakdowns. If I were to invite him to your birthday party, I bet my left boob he will show up."
I sat there, stunned. I hated it when she schooled me. Her words fully sank in and I tilted my head. "Your left boob?"
She shrugged. "It's bigger."
I chuckled and threw my pillow at her. She grinned and caught it. "You know, I don't need a party for my birthday."
Leena shook her head and hugged the pillow. "You only turn 23 once and after the year you had, you deserve a day all about you."
I set my plate aside and scrunched my nose. "I really don't wanna plan anything. Knowing we have to apartment hunt soon sounds hard enough as it is."
"Girl, you are looking at the party queen," she exclaimed and threw her arms up dramatically. "I have been looking forward to this, don't worry about a thing."
"You probably have it all planned already, don't you?" I asked. She grinned and pretended to zip her lips closed and I rolled my eyes, smiling as well. "Alright, I will trust you. But if I don't have fun, you're to blame."
She scoffed. "Puh-lease. You will have a blast and if you tell me otherwise, I will know you're lying."
"Should I be worried that Brent is going to text me asking why you're bugging him about going?"
"He'll come," she winked at me. "There will be no complaints coming your way." I gave her a look and she cringed. "Okay, that came out a lot more sexual than intended."
I smirked. "Sure, unintentional."
She threw the pillow back at me with surprising strength behind it. I laughed and tucked it behind me. "It was! Although I'm sure Mr. Brent wouldn't mind some action from you," she said while wiggling her eyebrows.
I rolled my eyes. "Doubt."
"Still betting. I'll get in a 'I told you so'."
~
The bell dinged as I opened the door, the smell of books wafting up to my face. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply with a smile, the warmth of the store enveloping me as the door softly closed as I stepped through the threshold. My eyes opened back up to see a few people scattered through the store, silently looking through the shelves for something to catch their eye. An older gentleman was sitting in the corner by the window, his glasses settled low on his nose, engaged in a paperback Louis L'amour. He had the front cover bent to the back and it took everything I had not to cringe. I didn't understand how people could do that to their books. I liked mine looking as new as the day I got them, even after I read them ten different times.
Todd peaked his head out from the office and perked up when his eyes landed on me. I smiled and offered him a hug as he walked my way. "Sophie! It's so good to see you, darlin'. What brings you here?"
"Hi Todd," I greeted him. "I just wanted to stop by and let you know that I want to take that manager position at your new store." It had been a week since he gave me the offer and I decided it was time I gave him an answer.
He grew still, his eyes gleaming with hope. "You ain't kidding?" I shook my head.
"No, I think it's a good opportunity for me. You're right, it's not what I saw for my future, but I know it will take care of me and I would love nothing more than to continue being a part of your business. You're better than any other bosses I'd run into," I said with a smile. A grin slowly creeped on Todd's face and he hugged me tighter.
"Sophie, you can't even imagine how thrilled I am to hear this. Mary! She agreed!" He shouted toward the back of the store and Mary's head popped from behind the curtain, her lips painted red today to match her wool sweater.
"That is wonderful news! Just please be more reliable this time," she said, giving me a stern look.
I chuckled and nodded. "My life is not nearly as hectic as it was. I promise I will not let you down."
Mary gave a satisfied nod and ducked back behind the curtain. Todd shook his head at his wife's behavior and mumbled something inaudible. He glanced back at me. "I'm sorry, Sophie. That was uncalled for."
"No, don't be. She's not wrong. I was not the most reliable employee in terms of showing up and I do apologize for that," I said regretfully. "I will do better this time. I don't want to fuck up this opportunity."
He patted my shoulder softly, ending with a firm grip causing me to flinch back slightly. Todd frowned and removed his hand. "Sorry darlin' I wasn't thinking."
I shook my head and forced a smile. "Don't worry about it. Anyways, I have more errands to run so I better head out. Thank you again and I'll keep in touch to iron out final details." Before he could even respond, I walked out the door and down the block. My breath was ragged and I collapsed against a brick wall once I was far enough away. I closed my eyes and rubbed my hands along my thighs and arms. You're fine. Nothing is happening to you right now. You are safe. My hands traveled up to my head, feeling the tickle of the wool of my hat. Slowly, my breath evened out and I opened my eyes. People walked by me as if I was invisible and I couldn't be more thrilled about that. Maybe they thought I was homeless and strung out. I sighed raggedly and dragged my hands down my face. I needed to get home.
Pushing myself to my feet, I walked briskly back to the apartment, keeping my hands in my pockets to keep them warm. Taking the stairs two at a time, I reached the apartment door and flung it open. Party horns and a chorus of people screaming "Surprise!" greeted me and I jumped, stumbling into the doorframe.
"I- what?" I stammered, my vocabulary flying right out of my brain. Leena stood front and center, grinning widely. She was wearing an olive green thin crop top, turtle necked sweater and dark high rise skinny jeans, a long necklace with fake gems hanging around her neck.
"Happy birthday, Sophie!" She crossed the room and closed the door for me, bringing me into a hug. She stood up on her tiptoes and brought her mouth to my ear. "You owe me your left boob." She dropped back down and laughed. "Which is good, because mine really need the extra padding."
My brows furrowed and I scanned the room, trying to piece together what was going on. And then I saw it. His brown hair ruffled, a light blue and back plaid flannel hugging his biceps; the sleeves rolled up to his elbow. I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth to stop myself from drooling at the sight, butterflies beating their wings rapidly in my core. Those beautiful eyes met mine as he caught me staring, a lazy smile spreading on his lips. He lifted his drink toward me and excused himself from the group he was talking to, walking toward Leena and I.
"He... came?"
Leena nudged me with her arm. "Told you," she said in a sing-song voice and walked away to host, leaving me alone with Brent. Music started playing through the speakers, just loud enough to cover the casual conversations throughout the room.
"Happy birthday, Sophie," he greeted me in a soft, deep voice, sending a chill down my spine. It wasn't fair that he had this effect on me.110Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgymMBD8p2E
"Thank you," I squeaked out and cleared my throat with a small shake of my head. Brent chuckled.
"Not what you expected to come home to, eh?"
I shook my head and released a huff of a laugh. "No, not at all. I don't even know half of these people."
He scanned the room before resting his eyes on me. "So Leena is the partier? Is she why you were at the club that night?" He asked curiously.
"Yeah. It was pretty much right after the first time he physically assaulted me," I said quietly. Brent's eyes widened slightly in surprise, but it was quickly wiped away with a glare. My cheeks flushed and I twisted my fingers in my hand. "Sorry, I don't know why I said that. Please just ignore that." My voice came out almost pleading.
"I can't ignore that, Sophie. As much as I want to respect that wish, I think you actually want to talk about it." I chewed on my lip as he analyzed me, my gaze on the floor. He continued. "The thing that throws me off is why Leena would bring you to a club after a man laid a hand on you, unless she didn't know." I felt his gaze burning a hole through my skin. "She didn't, did she?" He asked quietly. I shook my head slowly. Brent swore under his breath and I heard his feet shuffle closer. "Why?"
I sniffled and slid my hat off my head as it lifted, pressing my head and back against the wall. The hat twisted in my hands as I contemplated on how much I wanted to tell him. My body screamed at me to be completely honest, let out everything I'd been holding back, but the more logical side told me to hold back. But what was the point? The story of how terrible of a person was spread out over the news. Everyone knew he abused me both physically and verbally. Why hold back on the details? This was a way to make my story known; facts instead of rumors. But why should Brent get to know the details before others? I didn't care what other strangers thought, but for some stupid reason I cared about how Brent saw me. What if I spill everything and he ran away because I was more broken than he truly realized?
Fuck, my head hurt.
"Excuse me," I mumbled as I walked past him and to the bedroom, ignoring him calling my name, closing the door quietly as the unshed tears came rushing out. I clamped a hand over my mouth to muffle the sobs I couldn't hold back. He couldn't see me like this, not again. Every time we have been in each other's company, I had broken down. Not again. He's the one person who cannot see me lose myself like this. If I wanted any shot at a relationship with this man in the future, I couldn't continue painting myself in a bad light. Hell, there's no way he would want me now. He's seen how damaged I am. There was no reversing that.
I caught a glimpse of my pocket knife blinking out at me from my suitcase through the blur of my tears. I exhaled deeply and knelt down on the floor next to it, placing my hat in my lap. My hand wrapped around the cool metal, my thumb brushing across the rough handle. Thoughts flitted through my mind, but the one that kept sticking out to me told me to open the knife. Just end everything. I cradled the knife to my chest, rocking slightly. Tears continued to flow down my cheeks, but I no longer sobbed. Feelings no longer coursed through my blood and overwhelmed me. I pulled the knife away from my body and flicked the blade open. I glanced down at my arm, a few tears dripping down onto my skin. I dipped the tip of the knife into one of the small puddles and traced it down through the others toward my hand. The blade reached the inside of my wrist and paused. I could end it all. No one would miss me. There would be no more breakdowns, no more bad memories.
No more pain.
A quiet knock sounded on the door. My breath froze in my chest as I threw the blade back into my suitcase and grabbed my hat, scooting back toward the bed. "Sophie, it's me," Leena said from the other side. Dread and regret flooded my core as her voice reached my ears. I climbed onto the bed, twisting the hat somewhat aggressively. The door cracked and she poked her head in. She gave me a sympathetic look, entering the room and closing the door behind her. "Oh honey, what happened?"
My lip quivered, the tears threatening to spill over again and I laughed humorlessly. "I stupidly told him the night we originally met that it was right after I was beaten. He wanted to know more, but I chickened out and got overwhelmed." I threw my hands up in the air hopelessly and started pacing. "Leena, how the fuck am I supposed to tell him everything and expect him to stay around after he knows?" I asked, my voice raising in volume, frustration laced in my words. "All I ever do around him is break down! The moment he gets details, he's going to run. He will decide I am too broken, that there are no pieces left to pick up. They all turned to dust and I am just permanently fucked!" I screamed the last word, using my hat to swipe everything off Leena's dresser. Leena crossed the room and wrapped me in a hug as the floodgates reopened. My face rested against her shoulder, my arms wrapping around her waist in response.
"Sophie, you really need to talk to someone about all of this. I think you starting to tell him details was a cry for help. Considering that he knows the basic background of what went on with Garrett, I don't think he would ask questions he wasn't ready to hear the answers to," she said softly, rubbing my back. "You've held everything in since the day he died and I think you're finally ready to face it all and truly work through the trauma you experienced."
I focused on my breathing as I allowed her words to digest. I really didn't think seeing a therapist would work for me. It was too stiff, too professional. If I was going to talk, I needed something that felt real and scheduling a time to talk about my traumas wasn't that. I voiced that to Leena once my emotions were back under control and she nodded. "And that's understandable. Therapy isn't for everyone, but you do need to talk to someone." She pulled back, her hands resting on my shoulders. "Maybe Brent is that someone." I froze and she shook her head. "I'm serious, Sophie. He came to me after you ran and he was so worried about you. He didn't mean to push so far, but he thought you'd be open to talking about it since you started sharing already."
"Leena, I don't..." I started softly, but she gave me a look that caused me to shut my mouth.
"He wants to help, Sophie. And honestly, if Brent wanted to run, I think he would have already. You are so incredibly emotional," she said with a small smirk, elbowing my ribs gently. I released a strangled chuckle and nodded.
"You're right. I know I would have ran by now if I were him."
"Exactly. And besides, it is your birthday. You should be out there having fun, getting drunk, and grinding on that smoking lumberjack who has your name written all over him," she said with a wink, causing my cheeks to flush. She held out her hand. "Come on, let's go have some fun."
I quickly used my hat to wipe the tears and snot from my face, tossing it off to the side before I grabbed her hand and let her lead me out the door. Everyone was obliviously dancing along to the mainstream pop playing. Well, everyone except for Brent. He was waiting at the end of the hall, his eyes searching mine with concern. I offered him an embarrassed smile and he returned it with a reassuring one.
I squeezed Leena's hand. "I'm gonna go..." I drifted off, nodding toward Brent's direction. Her eyes lit up as she released my hand.
"Go get him, tiger," she said with a wink. I rolled my eyes and walked up to the sexy lumberjack.
"Hey," I greeted him, hugging myself.
"You okay?" He asked.
"Yeah... Sorry about that." I dropped my gaze to my feet as I rocked on them. "I just don't know how to navigate all of this." I looked up at him through my eyelashes and he tilted his head slightly.
"Navigate what?"
I winced internally. I was really hoping he wouldn't ask that question, but I should have known better. Bringing my head up, I release a shaky breath, bracing myself for his reaction. "The feelings you make me feel." He furrowed his brows and opened his mouth to speak, but I held up a hand to stop him. "Please, I need to get this out before I run away again," I rushed out. He nodded and leaned against the wall. That little action sent a flutter through my stomach and I squashed it down, irritated. Stop that!
I continued before I completely lost my nerve. "When the abuse started getting bad, and especially when Garrett died in front of me, I shut down. I was numb, didn't allow myself to feel anything. Since you have come into the picture, every emotion possible has overwhelmed every cell of my being. When you're around, I can't keep myself numb." My face crumpled slightly as the truth hit me. "You're obviously attractive, and my body reacts to that." A smirk crept on his face and I shot him a glare. He held up his hand in surrender, but the smirk stayed. "Anyway... I suddenly worry about what you'll think of me. I worry that you will find me too broken. I worry you will find me too annoying. I worry you will find me too closed off. I want you closer to me, but the thought that you will run away once you uncover just how fucked up I am..." I choked on my words and I blinked away the unshed tears.
"Because you're right. I am ready to talk about everything, but a therapist is not the most beneficial option for me. It's not real. But talking to you, it feels real. As much as I have tried to fight it, you make me feel comfortable. At the phone store last week, you made me feel safe. I haven't felt that in so long, Brent. And I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm just so desperate for something good that my body no longer has the working signals it had with Garrett and I can't sense if you're actually as real as you come off." I closed my eyes, a tear escaping the corner of my eye, pausing a moment. "I just... Please, don't play with me," I whispered, opening my eyes and meeting his warm gaze.
Brent stood there, his eyes searching mine. His face gave nothing away as to what he was feeling about my speech, causing my anxiety to spike. Finally, he inhaled softly and stepped away from the wall. "May I approach you?" I nodded stiffly, tensing up. Another tear left my eye and he lifted his hand, silently asking for permission. I nodded again and he brushed the tear away with his thumb, softly cupping my cheek, his calloused hand rough against my skin.
"First, I want to thank you for sharing everything you just did. I know that wasn't easy for you," he said in a low voice. "Second, I want to make you a promise right now that I will not run. This is uncharted territory for the both of us, but I am not afraid. I know what you went through was horrible and it has left lifelong scars, both physical and mental. I understand that it takes a hell of a long time to work through that, but I hope you can learn to lean on me to help you get through that. The moment you entered my vision at the club, I was smitten. As we danced and talked and I got to know you more, I saw what a true gem you are."
His eyes flitted across my face, drinking in my features. My breath halted in my chest and I bit my lip. His eyes darkened as he glanced at my mouth before gazing back into my eyes. "When I ran into you at the fountain and saw how destroyed you were, I made it my mission to do what I can for you. Because you are an incredible woman and you deserve nothing but good things. Whatever you need, I will make it happen, Sophie. Because I cannot get you off my mind and it physically hurts me to see you like this."
More tears spilled over, but for a totally different reason this time. His words were completely sincere. He brought his other hand up to my other cheek, brushing both thumbs across my face. The upbeat song that was playing in the background switched to a slow song. I broke out of my trance, scanning the room at everyone slow dancing. My lungs sucked in a big breath of air and I gathered the nerve to wrap my arms around his neck and pressing his head down so our foreheads touched. Our breaths mixed and I closed my eyes. I felt the tension in Brent's shoulders, his hands dropped to his side. "Sophie...?"
"Just hold me," I breathed out. Some of the tension released from his body as he slowly wrapped his arms around my waist, keeping his grip light. I lightly dragged my hands down his arms to his wrists. "It's okay," I said shakily, guiding his arms tighter around me before going back behind his head. He exhaled slowly, resting his cheek on the top of my head as he relaxed more. My heart was pounding in my chest, both in fear and giddiness. To heal, you must be uncomfortable, but what happens when you're both uncomfortable and comfortable at the same time?
Once the song ended, the music shuts off and I hear clanking against a glass. Startled, I pull away from Brent and look toward the noise. Leena is standing on a chair, a knife in one hand and her drink in the other. "Attention party goers, it is time for cake and presents!"
Cheers erupted from the group and I scrunched my nose slightly at the thought of everyone singing happy birthday. It was better when I forgot they were there. Brent grabbed my hand, giving it a small squeeze. I looked at him and he gave me a small smile. "Come on. Can't have the chocolate waiting."
Chocolate? I started salivating at the idea of chocolate frosting and we made our way toward the middle of the room by the table. Brent did not drop my hand.
Leena came out with a rectangular cake, all chocolate with crumbled Oreos on top. In the center, there was a rainbow Happy Birthday candle burning. As she started walking toward us, the crowd started singing, led by a man with a dark mustache and fedora. He could sing, I'd give him that. I sat on the couch and Leena set the cake in front of me on the coffee table. Once the song finished, she grinned. "Make a wish!"
I directed my gaze towards Brent and he smiled encouragingly. I bit back a smile of my own and looked at the candle, my wish forming in my mind. I blew out the flame, my wish swirling silently into the room. Todd's words echoed through my mind as I watched the smoke twirl from the candle. My eyes met Brent's as he clapped with the rest of the group. His beautiful blue eyes were bright, no shadows looming beyond in his soul. The corner of my mouth twitched into a smile and I put a random cup up in the air in a toast to everyone there. The group cheered and clanked their drinks together, taking sips. Brent and I never broke our stare.
Here's to rising from the embers.
ns 15.158.61.8da2
