nothing has changed. it seems as if nothing will ever change. i’ve been feeling like this mainly since the beginning of 2023, but even before then i was slowly falling deeper and deeper into my personal idea of hell. i am still the exact same. yeah, maybe ive changed my style and my hair or whatever. but those sick thoughts still run through my head every single day. not a second goes by where there’s not something in my mind shouting disgusting things at me. this overwhelming sadness has not left, and i don’t know when it will. i feel like im restricted, i feel like im being held back. all my feelings, my emotions, theyre trapped away inside me leading to the feeling that im going physically insane. trying to hold back from the urges of slitting my hips and my arms until blood drips down my body is so hard it feels like my mind will burst. seeing my scars on my hips makes me want to make more. i don’t feel ill enough. sometimes i sit and i realise, oh shit i am really not well in the head. but sometimes my mindset is that i’m not ill enough, and i need to make myself worse. that shivering feeling still comes every single night. even when i’m boiling hot, as soon as im alone with my thoughts i shiver like crazy and goosebumps pop up everywhere. i often think about killing myself, probably way too much for a girl of such a young age. but that’s the thing, this fucked up world makes almost every teenager feel that way. i always wonder what would happen after i kill myself. i imagine people’s reactions and that makes me think if i would regret it. i think i would, i think everyone would, or does, in some aspect. but knowing that i wouldn’t have to ever feel like this ever again is such a peaceful and calming idea to me. i don’t know what to do anymore, of course i have hope because i want a future, but i don’t want to wait. i don’t want to be like this anymore, it destroys me so much it makes me hate every inch of myself. it breaks my soul.
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