this issue is gonna have two parts. one topic but talking about it in two completely different ways.
i hate it:
i hate having a soft heart. i hate it. i give my all into someone and i end up getting so so hurt, but even after getting hurt my soul still holds onto them. and won’t. let. go. it’s so frustrating. let’s say i meet someone. this person is so great. they treat me so well, write me things, we facetime a lot. everything’s so good it’s all i wanted. it seems like this person gives their all into me and i do too. when i love someone and care about them ill do ANYTHING to make them happy. then suddenly, this person hurts me. badly. it could be just one thing or over a course of however long. it hurts so bad because i’ve done everything i can for them, it’s like i change myself into something they want. although I’ve had people who want me for who i really am, i think. i’m not too sure though since everyone has hurt me in some way. even after this person hurts me, i’ll still love them. they could rip my heart out and still i’ll always think of everything good we experienced together. i try to convince myself i hate them but i know i dont. deep down i can never hate anyone. i really try to hate people but i cant. it’s just not in my nature to hate. i’m full of love. yeah i hurt people. i’ve hurt people a lot. and it kills me everytime i do it. because i have a soft heart. i always apologised so deeply whenever i hurt someone. but they hurt me? no apology. usually ends in me apologising. because i’m so sweet, people take that as an advantage. i’ve had people gaslight, manipulate, blackmail me. they know ill believe it because its just who i am. i know ill believe it. but i cant help it. sometimes i just wanna punch myself continuously because of it. last year, 2023, i was hurt more than ive ever been hurt before. although this first month of 2024 has been so rough. i’ve cried a lot this month, a lot. i haven’t cried over one person like this ever before. off topic. anyways, the first person, she was amazing. she’s norwegian and honestly she was so sweet. i’d have to teach her how to say words properly and we’d just sit on call with eachother teaching eachother our language. after months one day she blocked me. no explanation no nothing. month later she came back. then blocked me again. so tough. then another person called s aswell. she wasn’t nice. before the second s i met someone called r. from the day i met her i knew that id never meet anyone else like her. and almost a year later its still true. but experiencing her love that’s a different level. that leads me onto my second part.
can’t stop:
love. it’s a weird thing. it can either be the most wonderful and heartwarming thing to ever exist, or the most heart breaking, soul crushing thing. i think everyone in the world has or will experience both. sometimes, very rarely, someone will meet a person. this person will completely change them. and they will never meet anyone like this person. i’ve met a person like this. like i said before, from the moment i met her something inside me just knew id never meet anyone else like her. from the past heartbreaks id been through, she brought my spark back. it was like she noticed me broken on the floor. then she helped me back up and re-lit that burnt out candle inside me. throughout the whole of 2023, we’d been through a lot of stages together. she saw me change a lot. i don’t know if she realises that but i am so different now. then, i was trying to figure out my style, what music i liked, who i was, what people i wanted to hang around with. she saw me through so many phases of my life and she still stuck around. someone doing that leaves a mark on your heart. like not everyone has someone who will be by your side through everything. even though we had some tough moments together. one time, i messed up. like i fucked up. and what’s even more fucked up is at the time i didn’t even realise how bad it was. but now, looking back, i literally crushed her heart. and i feel so so bad for that. now it’s kind of the opposite. i think i crushed her heart again. she said i didn’t hurt her, but she also said that all those months ago. but she also crushed mine. i kind of saw a side of her id never seen before. well a few sides actually. it scared me. but i didn’t care. so i stuck around. and i think ill always stick around. but yeah she crushed mine. i dont know if she knows, i dont know if she cares. it’s so weird how people can go from saying ‘i love you’ to ‘i don’t care anymore’ in such a short period of time. she asked me why. i said we were hurting eachother. she said i wasn’t hurting her. but god was she hurting me. some nights i’d get so upset. and some nights i’d be so fucking angry. angry at her. i tell myself i hate her but i cant. even after everything, the really precious and sweet moments we had are tattooed into my head. they won’t get out. i know how hard she loves. i’ve experienced it. and it’s like, killing me. that she’s gonna love someone the way she used to love me in the future. and that someone won’t be me. i want it to be me, but it can’t. i can’t get hurt anymore. i find myself thinking about it all, when im laying in bed. everything i do reminds me of it. i’m reading, i remember when we were on call and i had to try stay silent while reading. when i see or hear a cute nickname, i remember when we used to call eachother names like that. fuck. see even me writing that makes me angry. angry at myself and her. angry cause i keep forgetting the bad shit that happened and how much it affected me. angry at her because, actually no i’m angry at us. because we should’ve just stayed friends. then i would never have to experience love like that. then i wouldn’t be craving it all the fucking time. then my expectations for love wouldn’t be so high. it’s so unlikely that i’m gonna find another person who will write so much stupid stuff for me, or about me. it’s not stupid. it was the sweetest thing i’ve ever read. that’s been deleted now though. it’s for the best. i think she’s gonna move on fast. she has before. with this other girl and i don’t think she’s ever gonna truly get over that girl. when we were together she’d tell this girl that in another life they’d be together. if she really believed we would work out like i did then she wouldn’t write that. it all adds up now. everything. there’s a ball in my throat now, i’m trying so hard not to break down. a few weeks ago i printed out photos of two pictures of me and her together. it was on christmas day and we were both wearing those dumb little hats you get out of those cracker things. there was 4, so i left two together and put it in the pile of ‘pictures of people who i used to love’, i cut the other two in half. wrote our names on the back and the date. on one i wrote ‘to _’ and a small message. then ‘love_’ i might cross out the love. because we aren’t in love anymore. i should hate her. but i cant. i cant keep pretending that i hate her when I’m always gonna love her.
ns 15.158.61.8da2
