FIVE
“Why did you stop?” Arista asked. She had a dreamy kind of look in her dark eyes.
Julie was chewing slowly on a piece of popcorn.
Lauren had her eyes closed, but she wasn’t asleep.
“Well… I… I’m not sure.”
Why did she stop? Because she hated this part. Thanksgiving day. Her last Thanksgiving. She didn’t celebrate it anymore. She didn’t go to parties. She didn’t eat turkey with gravy and mashed potatoes, surrounded by family and friends. She hadn’t done that for ten years.
And that was the story that she didn’t want to tell.
She took a drink of water. A long, long drink. There was something in her throat. Probably tears. She always cried. She scarfed down a cookie, and another. They were all staring at her.
“Sorry,” she whispered.
Arista walked across the room, knelt down by Caroline’s chair, and hugged her. “It’s okay,” she said.
Lauren had an angry look in her eyes.
Arista went back to her chair.
Caroline hugged her knees. Ten years. She should be fine now. She should be normal again. She should be able to talk about it. That was good, right? Talking about it?
She needed her mask back. She liked to hide behind insults and sarcasm, that way no one could see how damaged she was. Normal people didn’t see phantom butterflies in windows. Normal people didn’t throw things when no one was watching. Normal people didn’t hurt when they thought about someone who died ten long years ago.
Right?
Caroline let go of her knees. She wiped at her eyes, but there weren’t any tears.
“Do you need a minute?”
“No,” Caroline said, quickly. It would be good to talk about it.
But she had talked about it before. To her therapist, Jane. And the other one, Hannah. And the last one, Pat. It was never good.
Maybe it will be better this time. You agreed to do this, remember?
She had agreed, but without thinking. She had typed “yes” and pressed send without thinking at all. Strange what your mind does when you don’t think.
Caroline took a deep breath, and tried not to think.
()()()
Candy sat on her bed, staring at the bag. She couldn’t stop staring at it.
Davey appeared in her doorway. “Dinner,” he said. “You don’t want to miss it. It’s fish,” he laughed.
Candy forced a smile. He didn’t notice, and disappeared again.
She grabbed the bag, tied it onto her crutch, and tottered downstairs.
“Candy!” Princess squealed. “You’re back.”
Jordan handed them each their plateful of foul-smelling slopping Fish Thing, and they sat down to pray. They only prayed when they had visitors.
“Our Father,” Jordan began. “Who art in heaven. Hallowed be thy name…”
Her voice droned on and on. Candy couldn’t sit still
She opened one eye. Then the other. Davey had his eyes open too, and he winked at her. That almost made her laugh out loud, but she was able to choke it down into a strangled cough. Davey smiled, and closed his eyes.
“For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory, forever and ever.”
“Amen,” they all said, in unison.
Candy picked at her food until it looked like she’d eaten some. “May I be excused?” she asked. Jordan was talking to Princess and only nodded slightly. Davey looked faintly amused, and he gave her a thumbs up.
Candy jumped out of her chair and tried to run down the hallway, forgetting that she needed a crutch. She grabbed it, stuffed two hunks of bread into her bag, and hobbled outside and began walking down the street. Elephant followed her.
Where was she going? She didn’t know. She just followed her feet.
It was getting dark. The sky was hazy with little faint speckles - the beginnings of stars. The sun was hovering over the horizon. It was cold now. Candy slapped at a mosquito on her arm.
When she reached Sam’s house, she didn’t know what to do. Why had her feet led her here? What was she supposed to do?
There was a light on, right where his room would be.
Candy grabbed a pebble from the road and threw it.
Boink.
Another.
Bink.
A third.
Bonk.
Finally, his face appeared in the window. She waved at him. He gave her a thumbs up, and then stuck his leg out of the window.
He must have done this before, because he climbed down like a monkey, placing his foot on each broken board or piece of roof exactly right. He jumped down and then smiled at her, which made her heart fly.
It felt like time had sped by so fast, just so that she could be with him. She took his hand this time, and they walked back along the little road. She told him about the disgusting dinner and he laughed, and he told her about the teaspoon of gravy that his mother had accidentally dumped into her glass of water, which she drank anyway. She told him that she had been so worried about him, and that she had missed him so much, which was crazy, because she had only just met him. At some point she confessed that she must be in love, and he didn’t reply but just kissed her.
He said that his mother had locked him in his room and he had stared out of the window, wondering if she would come for him but hardly daring to hope. And when he saw her, his heart had leapt and he had nearly cried out for joy.
Then they stopped talking and just walked, hand in hand, looking at the stars or the road or each other.
Finally they reached the edge of the sea. Candy led him into the grass, and they waded in until it reached over their heads and there was nothing but Candy’s memory to lead them on. She remembered the sun, and she remembered the ships, all the things that lived in this water. She squeezed Sam’s hand harder.
When they reached the river, Sam sighed. It was beautiful. The moonlight, the little ripples, the croaking of a frog. Their own little secret, shady place.
Candy took off her shoes and socks and poked a toe in, careful not to slip on the sharp... smooth rocks that jutted out from the bank like spears... She splashed a few drops at Sam’s face, grinning wickedly. He flashed her that mischievous, crooked smile, and then suddenly they were both drenched and screaming and laughing in the river.
Oh, this was fun.
()()()
Caroline paused.
There was a butterfly. Just there. Hovering, fluttering above Arista’s nose. Its little papery wings were the color of falling leaves, and its two little bead eyes seemed to stare past hers and see straight into her mind.
She blinked and it was gone.
“What are you looking at?” Arista asked. “Do I have something on my face?” She cursed and wiped at her nose with her hand. “We’ll have to redo this whole section…”
“No,” Caroline said slowly, still staring at the place where the butterfly had been. “No, you’re fine…” She realized what she was doing and pulled her eyes away.
Arista gave her a strange look, then shrugged. “Ok, well… we could have a question, then. Um… who are Princess and Peter? You never really said.”
Caroline knew that Arista didn’t really care, so she tried to make it as short as possible. “Princess is… was my sister’s best friend. They were inseparable, until she married Peter and then they moved away. They came to visit every Christmas and Thanksgiving, and on birthdays. She’s nice,” Caroline’s phone vibrated. Such good timing.
She didn’t answer.
“She’s still… I mean…” Arista’s sentence turned into a giant stutter.
“She lives three hours away,” Caroline smiled. She hadn’t visited Princess in two years. She might not even live there anymore. “Anyway. Sorry about… staring at your nose.”
()()()
After Sam left, Candy stared at the river. She didn’t want to go home. Jordan would scream at her and make her pull out the fish’s guts, or send her to her room, or make her talk to Princess. It was peaceful here by the river. No shouting.
Elephant snuffled at her toes. She laughed and hugged him, scratching behind his ears. He oinked happily, and they watched the moon rise.
()()()
“WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?” Jordan shrieked, when Candy was back home. “DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG YOU WERE GONE? WHERE WERE YOU?” She grabbed Candy’s shoulders and shook her. “Where were you?” she growled, teeth clenched.
“I…” Candy’s words had been scattered when Jordan shook her. She didn’t know what to say.
Jordan looked like she was about to explode. She grabbed Elephant, carried him outside to the only pen that wasn’t broken, and threw him in.
“What are you doing?” Candy asked. She could feel her heart beating, so fast. Like a drum.
“We’re not having fish for Thanksgiving dinner, after all,” Jordan said.
Candy wanted to say… There were so many things that she wanted to say. But Jordan looked like she was ready to murder someone besides the pig.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
Jordan rolled her eyes. “Too bad.”
()()()
“But… the pig doesn’t die, right?” Arista asked, in between chews on the end of her pencil.
“No,” Caroline said. “The pig doesn’t die.” Her phone buzzed again. Jesus, Princess, can’t you wait five minutes?
“Oh, good,” she said, with a little giggle. Caroline hadn’t heard her giggle like that before.
Lauren cheered. She was playing cards with James and Jim. She must have won.
Caroline took a cookie, turned it around in her hand, but didn’t eat it. She just wanted to get this part over with. She wanted to cry for a while and then get over it and then be mostly okay again.
Julie cleared her throat, and then took a bite of mashed potato. Where… Well, it didn’t really matter.
“Sorry,” Arista giggled. Lauren finally shut up.
Caroline didn’t feel that this was right… He deserved more than this group of stupid people. But there was nothing she could do.
()()()
Well, Candy was crying, of course. Davey hugged her, and comforted her… and he was so good.
Then they sat on the floor in his room, and he told her all sorts of stories. He was a great storyteller. Candy listened quietly, and let her mind take her far, far away, because she would rather be anywhere than where she was.
“Once, I think it was about a month ago,” he began, in his voice that was just becoming deeper, and cracking every five seconds. Vicky had teased him about it. “Me, and Vicky, and Flora, and Daniel of course, we stole Vicky’s dad’s truck, the one she told you about. It was old and red and rusty, but it was such an adventure to us, because we thought we could go anywhere in the world. We were only about thirteen, after all. Just little kids.
“Well, it was the middle of the night, and Daniel was driving, and he has bad eyes… I don’t know why we let him drive. Well, he drove us into a ditch. And we all started screaming and screaming, because we thought we were stranded forever, and Vicky thought that her dad was going to murder her, and Flora was crying because she always cries.
“We decided to just walk. We walked to Oldtown, because we were almost there. It wasn’t huge, by any means. I’ve been to Chicago now, so I know it wasn’t even big, it was tiny. But I was just astounded that there were so many people. And so many buildings, and so tall.
“I’ll take you there, Candy. I’ll take you there, and to Chicago, and we can drive to California, and fly to Hawaii, and go to France and Spain and… and see the world. The world is so much bigger than this tiny, stupid town Candy, I promise. We can do anything. After Thanksgiving. I’m leaving. You can come with us. I’m eighteen. I can go wherever I want now, and you can come too.” He smiled.
Candy screamed, “YES! Yes, I’ll come with you!” And she threw her arms around him. Davey, big brother Davey, with his little bits of beard on his chin, and his big strong hugs, and his happy brown eyes.
Then he whispered in her ear, “Don’t let Elephant out. Jordan will come around. I know she will. But if you let him out you’ll just make her angrier.”
“Okay,” Candy whispered back. “I won’t let him out.”
But she didn’t listen. She agreed, but she didn’t mean it. She said she wouldn’t let him out, and she lied.
Davey believed her. He smiled… and trusted her, and left. He didn’t come back, he didn’t check on her to make sure.
He was so good.
Candy, stupid Candy. She watched the clock and waited, with her stupid little plans all perfect in her mind. She looked out the window and saw the sky get darker and darker and sink into black. She saw Elephant, asleep in his pen. She listened to the quiet, and everything grow still. She must have felt like some kind of secret agent, hidden in the shadows, waiting for the perfect moment.
Idiot.
She waited, holding her breath. She waited. Midnight. One. Two. Then she opened the window, and stuck a leg out. She would be like a monkey. Sam had done it, so how hard could it be? She would climb down, let Elephant go, and then climb back up like nothing happened.
Idiot.
She only had one leg. She needed a crutch. How could she forget? She closed the window and crept out of her room, down the stairs, holding her breath when Princess let out a loud snore, and out the door.
Idiot.
It was so easy. Unlatch the gate, let Elephant squirm through. Close the gate. Break the fence with the crutch, so it looks like he destroyed it himself. Dig up a little dirt. Then sneak back inside, close the door, sneak past Princess, up the stairs, back into the room. Fall asleep.
Good night, idiot.
Sweet dreams.
()()()
Mr. Sun woke up early. He chased away the dark things in the corners, and the shadows that had eaten everything up. Streamers of light…
Hold that thought.
Elephant was gone.
Candy shrieked, “YES!” to the clouds.
He got away. Everything would be fine now. Elephant was probably dancing in a field, surrounded by butterflies, and pretty little birds, and lots and lots of carrots. Or not. But it didn’t really matter, as long as he wasn’t about to be made into Thanksgiving dinner.
She heard something from downstairs. A crash. A bang. So she grabbed her crutch, tied the bag around it again, and hobbled down the hallway. She had nothing better to do, after all, than an investigation. Maybe it was a raccoon…. But it could also be a bear, a dragon, a cloud of magical butterflies…
It was Davey. He had knocked over a plate. She could see the broken pieces on the floor. And now he was outside, walking into the woods. She could see him, getting smaller and smaller in the distance.
Where was he going?
Was he sneaking off to leave with Vicky and Flora? To leave without her?
Suddenly, Candy lunged for the door. She threw it open and started following, as fast as she could, following Davey into the sea and swimming, swimming through the sunlight. Mr. Sun screamed at her and she screamed back. It echoed in her head, making her go crazy.
Now she was a spy.
Now she was still, and silent. Candy-Cat, Candy-Quiet. Nothing at all, just a whisper or a shadow, just following. Keep low to the ground, keep in the shadows, keep quiet. Behind that bush, wait behind that tree, peer over the rocks.
Davey disappeared into the forest, and Candy followed. She was so slow, and he was walking so fast… she was losing him.
Quickly… crawl… crawl through here. Leave your crutch and crawl through the forest, through the brambles, through the trees. Short cut.
She had scratches on her face and on her arms, from the thorns. But now she could see him, right through the trees. She was a spy. She was quiet. Shh.
Davey was holding a book. He stood at the edge of the dirty green water with a pencil in one hand and a book in the other. He was writing… something. He was smiling that smile that she loved. She loved it when he was happy. He was always so good, and so kind. Her big brother. Davey.
A pig hurtled through the forest. Squealing in delight, so happy to see him… And the pig hit her big brother and he dropped the book and he fell and…
And the rocks in David’s Creek… they were like spears. They were sharp, and they could break things, good things. They could break smiling things and happy things and perfect…. Perfect things. They could break people, right in half, right in the smile.
Candy screamed. She couldn’t reach him. She couldn’t do anything but scream and scream and scream. She screamed, and Elephant screamed, but Davey was silent.
There was blood in the water. Hot, pink gushers of blood. Candy choked on something. She couldn’t see. Everything was blurry and red. Someone was screaming. That couldn’t be her, could it? She didn’t scream like that. So terrible, like she was going to die.
Candy, choking, screaming, crawled to the river. She kicked Elephant out of the way. She wanted to kill him. She wanted him to bleed, instead of Davey, who didn’t deserve it. She screamed at Elephant and pounded her fists on his back and ripped at his ears until finally he ran away.
He was so wrong. So wrong, lying there. That wasn’t how Davey was supposed to be. Something was wrong. Candy heard someone crying all of a sudden, crying so terribly and so raggedly that their throat was probably going to be ripped to shreds. They were wheezing and hoarse and crying.
“No… please, Davey, don’t be dead,” they said. “DON’T BE DEAD!” they screamed. “Please…” they sobbed. “Please…” they whispered.
Then they were quiet.
Candy ran and ran and ran. Her leg broke and broke again and again, and she kept running. She didn’t feel anything. She couldn’t see. And she was still crying.
Something hurt, but it wasn’t anything real. It wasn’t her leg or the scratches on her face. Something else, and she could feel it as much as anything else. It hurt more than her stupid leg. It hurt more than anything had ever hurt before. 594Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxK4nFQ3OQ4
“Where have you been?” Jordan asked. 594Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwFQOh2hmy0
Candy just screamed at her. She cried at her. She hit at her face and scratched at her hair. Stupid Jordan. Didn’t she understand that nothing was important anymore? That it didn’t matter where Candy had been?
Princess and Peter and GG and baby Poppy all looked at her like she was a crazy thing, a thing in a zoo. She hated all of them.
“Davey,” she whispered. Dead, she thought.
Everything was over now.
She would scream and cry for the rest of her life.
()()()
ns 15.158.61.54da2
