Every Day after school I decided to hurt myself, it started with really small wounds, biting myself led me to throw myself into the wall, And that led me to punch the wall really hard which led me to stab my arms with forks, and it felt really good, the sensation was weird, at first it felt kind of bad, I had bruises all over my back and arms for throwing myself onto my bedroom walls, and wounds from the forks, after a time I got used to it and It felt really great releasing all of that anger and hatred I've felt, I got kind of addicted to hurting myself, I remember the time where nobody was looking I sharpened my pencil to stab my hands just to release all that emotion that was inside of me. For a while I wasn't even concerned about him, It felt like I finally gave up on him. I knew deep down that this obsession was all for nothing; He didn't feel anything towards me and I felt like I would die for him. In retrospect maybe I wasn't addicted to hurting myself, I was probably addicted to feeling something. I knew I couldn't talk to anyone; I knew people wouldn't understand what I was going through. They would just find another excuse to call me mentally ill.
On one wretched day, we were all sitting in our boring class, I remember I was poking holes in my eraser instead of copying down what was on the board; It felt like it was going to be one of those annoying stormy days, so colorless once again as if colors had gone from our world, and very suddenly our headmaster barged in on the class scaring everyone, even the teacher herself and looked at me with an angry expression, I could only think of one thing, and one thing only "oh, not again"
"Malo! There you are!" - I've seen everyone's expression! I knew how they all looked, I knew they were all enjoying me having a hard time, but as our headmaster was stepping towards me I quickly glanced at his face, He was certainly looking at me but without an expression on his face, What was the meaning of this? I for some reason couldn't get my eyes off of him, Even when my Headmaster was dragging me out of the class, I just had a confused look while I was looking at him, and I think he certainly noticed.
"Malo!" - She grabbed my arm really strongly and rolled down my sleeves, and there they were, bruises, stab markings, and a little bit of blood. "What is the meaning of this? Malo?" I couldn't get a word out of my mouth, I wasn't sure what to say or how should I react. Her first instinct was that my home life is fucked up, which at the time it wasn't as bad, I've clarified that they're not abusing me that way.
"Then what is the meaning of this? are YOU doing this to yourself?" - I just nodded my head while looking down, touching my shirt. "You're sick, I will make an appointment with the school's therapist today, You WILL attend." She aggressively let go of my hand and walked away, Not even saying a word to me. As I predicted, another excuse to call me mentally ill. But as I turned around to the door and grabbed the door handle to go to the classroom, I was hesitant to go back there.
"Why should I open this door? People will certainly question, even make fun of me..." I quickly bit one of my fingers just to release some of that anger She just caused, and stormed off somewhere, I didn't care if anyone saw me leave, But as I was running in the hallway I felt my tears coming down, and my face made a sour expression. I ran to the courtyard under a huge tree, I wasn't very protected from the rain, but at least I was alone. I decided to sit there on the tree's root and wait until class was over. Just after five minutes, every part of my body was wet, and I began shivering from the cold. I was clearly in distress, I felt lost and I felt like no one will ever understand me, I thought everyone hated me, by this time I was sobbing, I'm pretty sure if the sky wasn't pouring down Everyone would've heard my ugly crying in the school, luckily the loud raining noise canceled it out, But this was actually a rare moment, It allowed me to really reflect on what was I doing wrong with my life, and with my body. Hurting myself and enjoying it? Isn't that sadistic? and all of this started because of other people? I knew I'm alone in my fight, But that doesn't mean I should give up fighting... I'm pretty sure crying that day was one of the reasons I'm still alive and well today. After that realization, I felt calm again. I was still lost, but at least I realized what I was doing to myself is messed up. I layed down on the grass as it was pouring down on me, and let out a huge sigh, and with a blank expression I just watched and felt every raindrop drop down on my face, I closed my eyes and thought "I am not mentally Ill, I know a lot about love, I am not a disgusting creature, I am not useless and I am not dumb" over and over again.
I heard the bell ring, I decided to get up and it felt uncomfortable, my clothes were not only wet but not all of it was ruined and muddy. I walked towards my classroom in the hall and everyone was laughing, poking fun at me, and made a judgemental look, I let out a huge sigh and thought "... I am not mentally Ill, I know a lot about love, I am not a disgusting creature, I am not useless and I am not dumb..." this continued until I was in my classroom when Everyone questioned what happened to me, At that moment I let out a huge smile and happily answered "life."
Back in my mind, I wondered "how did the Headmaster figure out what was happening? it didn't make sense to me.
I never actually made it to the therapist, but I'm kind of glad I didn't, Everyone needs to learn a life lesson every once in a while and my lesson happened outside in the pouring rain, It just goes to show that no matter what problem you're suffering from people will still call you mentally insane, And look down on you, some of them will never understand you, But YOU need to understand you, Otherwise you slowly but surely start to hate yourself by all that confusion. Nobody knows you better than yourself, you know what you want, And you know what is troubling you, I never spoke up about my problems for anyone so naturally, no one understood what I was going through.
"I am not mentally Ill, I know a lot about love, I am not a disgusting creature, I am not useless and I am not dumb"
this became my mantra over the past months or so after that day, If I started to scratch myself, I began closing my eyes, And take a huge breath, and began to say these exact words. It was harder than I imagined, I slipped up once in a while but I was beginning to heal, no one could see my wounds anymore, and I never felt so much relief in my entire life.
97Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiWr08AVOfF
Not so shortly after these events a couple of things had begun to change, a couple of things..in him. He was much more touchy than usual, Well...more than usual. When I was in a conversation with someone from the back he would very suddenly hug me out of nowhere, surprising for sure, But a good one -finally. When I looked at him he would start to smile at me more, I didn't know what to believe! I didn't even know what to do, but every time that happened I began blushing, I began feeling what I initially felt when I was starting loving him, which was fading. My love for him wasn't, but the wholesome feelings were, and the feelings that replaced those were far from wholesome. It was fear, paranoia, and depression. Loving him felt more like a trap by the end, A trap that I could not escape from, But everything changed when he began to change. I finally felt those so-called "butterflies" again, I felt hopeful, Like I could live without worry again, In his arms.
On one cloudy day, Schooltime was over, I packed up my things and left the classroom, and saw him chatting with his friends in the hallway. I didn't want to bother him at all, So I didn't even want to say goodbye or acknowledge him. But I glanced at his face for a brief moment and I saw a strange look on him, he was watching me. We exchanged a bit of a smile for each other, but his smile was a bit more sinister as if he was planning on doing something. Now I was at the end of the hallway, I almost grabbed the stair railing when suddenly he shouted "Hey Malo!" I'm not gonna lie, I got a bit scared, I thought I was in some kind of trouble, Everyone was looking at me at that point in the hallway. I looked at his face which had a smug smile on him. "leaving so soon? Where's my goodbye kiss?" Did- ... Did I hear that correctly? Did he really just say these words.. to me? In front of everyone? I was in shock, and I don't know if it was showing but I felt my face burning. "what do I say to him? How do I even react?" Out of the blue, I just knew that I should do something... I don't know what exactly, just anything! I put one hand on my mouth... MUAH-! and blew him a kiss. JUST after I made the expression I truly realized what I have just done. All with no concern of what others have probably thought in that goddamn hallway, I haven't even looked at what kind of expression he made, After I did that I quickly left, as quickly as I possibly could, I ran down that stairs then, I've felt like I was flying, or that I could have with how lighter I've felt at that moment. That warm sensation never left my body that day... I ran all the way home and jumped on my bed with the biggest smile on my face.
Was this actually happening? Is this another trick or he actually means those words he is saying? I have been tricked one too many times before but... How do I truly know? I just needed to know more.
I have decided to message him because of hope. It took me half a day to convince myself to do it, But I did it, and just like that we began texting each other regularly. His style of texting was very vague... If I could describe it... it would be emotionless. Once or twice he did put down a kissing smiley, and a bunch of hearts, but other than those things Everything felt stiff about our conversations... As if he didn't really want to talk to me. I realized that very early on but then I thought "NO! this is all my paranoia talking, Why would he flirt with me like that and not talk to me in private?" it wouldn't make sense to me so I continued talking to him. But each and every time he grew more and more distant, "am I too much? am I too pushy? or is he just shy?" ... "wait... shy? well if he isn't shy flirting with me in public why is he shy in private?" So I pushed on... Until he no longer messaged me back, Even if he saw all of the messages I sent. I tried other days but there was when sometimes he wouldn't text me back for days. I never question it in front of him at school but it always bothered me. People say you can easily find out if someone is in love with you, one easy way to find out is if he texts back at you instantly, He stopped. Was this another one of his deliberate plans to mess with my self-esteem? Why would he out of all people do that to me? I felt like he was the controller, and I was the puppet.
We stopped messaging each other letters in class too, I guess we grew tired of it, or at least he did, because I would never grow tired of it. I didn't know what to do, I don't know why this was happening. I did try to ask once why does he ignore my messages all the time but the only thing he could say was "I'm busy" Which never-ever made sense to me. Who even is extremely busy all day without even texting anything back to me saying why you can't even talk to me? It was a shallow excuse. I grew tired of it all however because I completely stopped talking with him on social media. I felt hurt, and he knew that, I could sense that he knew... And this is what he wanted. So I guess he won. I didn't want to force it if he didn't wanna talk to me, I knew I would just make everything worse so, I never contacted him again on social media.
If there was any love in him, how could I know? I'd already been broken too many times by him, and I couldn't take it anymore. If he'd thrown a smile at me I had the biggest worry on my mind, but hiding my worry was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I don't know if he ever had any intentions behind those smiles, Looking at him was like stabbing my own chest twenty times and more, but the worst thing was... That I was still in love with him, no matter what I did, no matter what online therapy I had tried the feelings would never go away, and each and every day the feelings were getting stronger. I couldn't avoid the constant dreams about him even if I wanted to, and I tried to give up these feelings, and once I started to think about him less and less... The dreams were flooding in again, making me fall into heavy depression until I couldn't think of anything but him again. There was no escape, I was stuck in a loop. "Just get over him already" advice would not have worked anymore, I was lovesick.
Summer was the one time I would've loved to see you more, all the summer festivals, all the breeze... All the sunshine oh, I could imagine endless scenarios with you and me, laughing, making memories together but... Your distant nature and my timid self could never be. I cried endlessly every summer, As I watched the stars above, sitting in my window wondering if you sometimes do the same. I found some faith as I was watching the stars, I used to watch the stars for hours outside, just watching without a care in the world and imagining you sitting next to me, smiling at me. Those were the times when everything felt simple, I admit a little naive but... we were all naive back then. I wanted him to know at that moment that even if I somehow died this summer there was literally no day passing by without ever thinking about him. right then and there As I was watching the stars above me outside, I suddenly shed a tear as I thought that no matter how much I think about him and make fake scenarios in my head, I could never make him love me. Would he weep if he knew how much I miss him? Would he worry if he knew I would throw myself into a bottomless pit for him? or he would keep his distance once and for all? Would he think that I'm just a freak like the rest of my friends and family? like, everyone? Should I laugh away all my pain or start to uncontrollably cry? First, you smile, but then you make distance... What do you want from me... Ambrose?
ns 15.158.61.11da2
