I lived fairly close to my school, a 10-minute subway ride away not like I had to hurry every time I woke up for school, I was probably fourteen, and with a couple of my classmates, we took the subway station each Day, Levin, Caleb, Griffin, and I.72Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhjwpx8rnnt
I could never forget the feeling of traveling in that subway station, the calming grey noise in there, every traveler sleeping or if not then they'll usually were on their phone, half their eyes asleep, we would usually sit in silence, my head facing upwards with a book covering my face so that The lights in the metro wouldn't bother me, Levin would usually wouldn't sit down even though there was plenty of space, so that he wouldn't feel so sleepy I imagine, Caleb and Griffin would usually chat about boring stuff about school and how they managed to solve their homework, which I never did so every word they spoke with each other was alien to me, but nevertheless I liked it, the ambiance of the smooth ride was relaxing to me, It was easier to daydream while watching the endless orange lights in the tunnel, watching as the young couples were cuddling and slowly drifting asleep in each other's company, I had a lot of time to daydream then...usually daydreaming about love, while thinking about what is love really? And how do I know if I had ever felt it before? If the feeling I'm feeling about that boy is really love then how can I stop it? should I stop it? It wouldn't end well If I confessed... I knew it... I heard a hundred if not more quotes about love online people praising the feeling while others calling it a disease, or that love is a tool for your feelings to get broken later on and that love is basically a trap, but that's not how I preceded it at the beginning, I felt some sort of escapism I never had felt before, happiness, a sense of calm in all the storm I had been in all of my life. When I was thinking about his face I felt my stomach getting lighter or as if it was trying to move inside of me ever so slightly, I guess that's what people mean when they say they "felt the butterflies in their stomach" ... Such a weird saying but interestingly it makes perfect sense, As if something is boiling inside your stomach that doesn't quite hurt... It would explain the warmth I'm feeling too.72Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Oioe90bit
I can't quite explain why, but even now and in the beginning I couldn't think of him sexually, It made me happy when I was thinking about potential memories we would've made more but I hardly felt anything sexually, sure the thought was nice but I didn't prefer it as much.72Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcNfymIfRmF
It seemed like I was losing control of my thoughts and feelings however, all of this was very new to me but a lot of things have distracted me, first thing was himself, He even noticed if I was starring too long or if I'd mimic his posture, which I did quite a lot without even realizing it.72Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxFTmb4z7DC
I couldn't help but fall in love with him though, those green eyes he had always reminded me of a dark forest, and those beautiful blonde curly hair... how could I not fall in love? Oh, I did...I fell, really hard and the consequences of it showed... People depict love as this "beautiful" and "happy" thing and it certainly could be but they often don't depict it as a life-ruining experience that could potentially turn you into a madman and lose all your mind.72Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdPSGEks0dg
We were young still, barely seventeen but I already made up my mind that I want to be with him in my entire life, but I was never confident enough to tell anyone that I love them, but I could always daydream about the thought of doing so. The biggest problem however wasn't even the worry of telling him about my feelings but the question of whenever he would like me or not since I am a boy, and so is he, in a country that mocks my kind I just knew it wouldn't be that easy to ask about what's he's into because I could potentially expose myself and ruin all of my already crumbling reputation, so for an entire year I just waited for a sign, a sign that could potentially tell me what's his type, But as attractive he was the more complicated he was, he always managed to give me mixed signals, one day he would hug me in front of everyone, the next day he would say some homophobic remarks with his friends.72Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6AWW7ORt7N
I knew I wanted to get closer to him though, even then I was thinking even if he would reject me, and even if I would never be able to confess to him I just want to get closer to him no matter what, and I'd be on his side forever as a friend, I even tried to try and chat with him regularly, maybe even too regularly, one thing I realized about myself is that I can be very annoying, I always wanted to hang out with him, every day I wanted to start chatting with him, being with him or chatting with him felt amazing, It really made me think the two of us could work. Chatting however wasn't working so well, that's where I had most of my doubts that he's just not into me. They say if a person really loves you he would go out of their way to spend time with you or chat with you for hours but most often than not he would just ignore my messages and never reply back, but when he did, he usually has a flirtatious tone, even typed those heart and kiss emojis that made my skin crawl whenever I saw them, but when he sent me one of those that made my entire week better, it's so funny that I would be so happy for the smallest thing he did...but the doubts... the doubts won every time when it came to his love, everything he did made me question his love towards me, which wasn't healthy... My mind never agreed or rested on one thing, every time it switched to a different perspective, "well... he hugs me a lot and flirts with me a lot...BUT he does that with everyone..." and indeed he did it that with everyone not just me, it made me question how important I really am to that person if I am at all, but this still didn't stop me from loving him, for some reason it just made things worse and my love even stronger because I was still determined to get him and only him, I knew no one could satisfy me as him, I was so madly in love with him that I allowed myself to slip up and say some really dumb things to him that I immediately regretted, in retrospect, it was funny but back then I wanted to throw myself into that deep deep ocean when I said them.72Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxgEiwYNrjH
Spring just came, and with it, the flowers started to bloom, the sunshine and that nostalgic scent of the season... Just the two of us in the classroom, no one to bother us, we were just looking out the window together as we watched the other kids socializing below us, I never wanted that moment to end, that was our first deep talk where he finally told me something quite personal, turns out as happy as he seemed on the outside secretly had self-doubts and insecurities about his looks "I don't think people would like me, I ain't that attractive, don't you see all my acne on my face?" "Acne? Is that really what this guy is worried about? It's not that big of a deal and it shouldn't take away a person's attractiveness, especially if it's just acne which is treatable!" Out of the blue, I wasn't thinking when I said my next line because not only he was creeped out but I could've literally buried my head in sand "Oh... I don't think you have to worry about those, they look good on you." He quickly turned his head towards me with a widened eye and anxiously said "what did you just say?" While backing up from the window, I didn't know what to say or what to do, I immediately regretted what I said, at that moment I was thinking this will be it, he will forever hate me after saying such a thing... but luckily none of us ever acknowledged this conversation again after that, I think we all tried to suppress it from our memory as best as we can. So love can be very dangerous, it makes you lose control of yourself and say things that will haunt you for the rest of your life or at least these memories managed to...
In those days happiness felt like a choice, either I seek happiness, which was coming from you, or accept my fate and try to get used to this depressing world around me, this choice felt like a no-brainer at first, but then I remembered what the outside world wants. And apparently what the outside world wants is to forever be lonely, they say "get a girlfriend already" but what if I'm not into that? Is the correct decision to resist the urge to ever fall in love with somebody? Am I just supposed to watch as the couples around me love each other? They say they act what God has written in the bible but God did not wrote the Bible. It always saddened me that society is being controlled by these stories in a book even If it has cruel morals, a Holy book that was supposed to create heaven on earth turned the world into Hell, and people started acting like Gods themselves, they said the only one who can judge is God himself but they're all judging each other here by skin color and sexuality, I knew it from a very young age that judging people on things that they had no control over was very unintelligent and cruel, I made a decision to never judge anyone based on skin color, sexuality or their everyday preferences such as their style, humanity would throw people into the fire, brutality torture them because they are different than the rest of them, and these are the people that believe will get into Heaven, by restricting other people's freeness and basically their basic needs of love.72Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDcgMCyUMpe
The pressure is on! Either I live my life to the fullest or I live by how these lunatics want me to live, but if I had another choice I'd risk it all because of you, Looking at your angel eyes made me realize how much of a loss you'd really be If I gave you up, to lose ethereal happiness...72Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡei1IkvZaGY
I was younger, I was way more scared than I am now but man did I mess up or what? I realized in our second class trip in the summer when you were so excited to go, but you didn't even consider sitting next to me on the bus, I shrugged it off anyway but deep inside I felt something gradually stabbing me, "a cute little pain to keep my happiness away" I began to chant myself. It was funny, but not in the traditional sense, when we went to the zoo you kept a close eye on useless things when I kept my eye on you, I don't believe I saw any exotic animals that day with my own eyes, When we began to race together in a huge green park I felt like you deliberately ran away from me and it wasn't because of the race, it felt like you were running away from my life, The sound of your footsteps running away from me was enough to put me in a horrible feeling, When we got ice cream you didn't even consider to come up and chat with me, I couldn't even eat my ice cream because everything felt so stale, I saw the colors I began to see when I first fell in love with you fading away slowly. I only wanted your attention but you only wanted to give me your attention when it felt convenient to you, I guess I failed to give you my attention, to show you that I care and that I love you, If I had a second choice I would repeat my life all over again one hundred and more times until I finally get you your desired attention that you deserve.
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