I remember it very clearly, I whole-heartedly believe that that year was one of the most terrifying year I have ever experienced, fifth grade, practically not even old enough to be in love properly, new school, new city, new classmates, new teachers and me, a coward, insecure person. As one might imagine things weren't so smooth in that year, everything that could've gone wrong, eventually did. I wasn't very confident in my abilities to study and get the best grades as possible, I could only dream about that, just in a couple of weeks in that school I was doing very horribly in that school, I was on the verge of failing every class except the very basic time waster classes like arts and gymnastics. Apparently, though this kind of stress wasn't enough as the Universe continued to punish me ruthlessly, the relationships I had with my classmates started out neutral, most of them at first glance seemed not to be the smartest, but I was very quickly proven wrong, as they started getting the best grades as they could possibly get at the first school day, and they only continued to achieve the highest with their grades as I was getting even worse.
Storms and cloudy weather were very frequent in that year, and it showed no signs of stopping, this was one of those days, If I remember correctly it was a cloudy and very chilly morning Monday. I was sitting next to the window on the back side of the class, which was very comforting knowing I don't have to worry a lot about the teachers watching my every move. As I was sitting at my desk seemingly daydreaming while I looked out from the window into the dark grim outside some kids must've stared at me while gossiping "tsk, look at him, daydreaming yet again' But I was not- I was shivering, and not from the cold that radiated the classroom, but because I was overthinking, worrying about the classes that I wasn't good at, every minute we were getting closer to the bell ringing, just by the thought alone I could imagine the terrifying sensation my ears would make when the bell rang, It was especially bad when math class was about to start, it was so bad that whenever it was about to start I had a terrible stomach ache every time, I knew exactly that whatever math class would bring me today it would inevitably be a terrible feeling. Everyone loved the Math teacher, and the teacher would love them in return, but I saw through her, She was a piece of work, failing in her class would mean that you essentially failed that person, and she would no longer consider you anything, the teacher saw that I was struggling but instead helping she would gaslight, ignore and wouldn't even bat an eye to you. She would joke around with classmates, but not with the ones that are failing, she would help classmates with a problem, but not to the ones that truly needed it. She was however very generous about giving me, in particular, a hard time about my abilities, giving the whole class a quick test spontaneously just to give bad grades to those who are failing, she always had that look, she would smile at me right before giving the whole class a spontaneous test, I had never seen such a two-faced irritable person in my entire life than my math teacher.
On the subject of classmates, I found it very hard to relate to any of them, and ironically enough I found out that most of my classmates even though they were getting the best grades as possible weren't so bright, most of them had flawed logic, they were too stuck up and judgmental, I noticed that very early in the semester, even our head teacher, she categorized us and put us into different "boxes ", the level we belonged to, the students who were failing miserably sat in the first row, the students that are failing at some categories were in the middle and the good students who only get the highest grades sat at the third row, where the windows were, at the beginning of the semester though this wasn't a thing though. at the time I tried to be friends with the people who got the students who got the best grades because surely they must be cool and compelling to hang around with, I thought. one of which were two girls named Martina and Orla, at one point of recess we were the only people in the class, they would laugh, make inside jokes with each other while I was sat down on my desk, doodling my physics copybook, they would occasionally glance at me smiling, I noticed their strange behavior and every time they looked at me, I would look back at them, judging by this awkward encounter I quickly realized that they would like to approach me, normally I wouldn't even consider approaching them if it weren't for my childhood friend of mine, he made friends very easily with the classmates, and it wasn't even because of his good grades, he was very easily approachable, and a friendly person, he approached me and said: "maybe we should talk to them?" "Maybe we should I guess" and thus the conversation began, we made our way in their direction and started making conversation about who-knows-what. At first glance, the Girls seemed normal - friendly even.
Was it this easy to make friends? is this it? have I unlocked some kind of secret code for making friends? did the Universe grant me this wish? it turns out the Universe had a catch, a very cruel one at that. Martina was unhinged, and at the time I didn't realize it, I thought we were gonna be best friends and we were gonna help each other a lot. Fast forward just two days and I'm more confidently making conversation between Martina and Orla with my childhood friend, Levin, everything was going good, the Universe must've thought too good because I was overly confident in my abilities to make jokes, and thus the first problem began that would inevitably ruin my reputation in the following years in their eyes. I decided to tell a joke, a very light one that didn't land well, but not overly cruel that it would seem that I am mean to them. that one joke I have made offended the girls so badly that one even considered me as their enemy. Over a joke, the joke wasn't even about the girls, it was about their town's name. After that Martina and Orla, but especially Martina continued and put in everything to make my semester a living hell. She wanted to ruin my reputation, started gossiping about me to our head teacher, and was making mean remarks towards me in public, these actions led to other students blaming things I never did on me, and my head teacher believed all of it, this led her to believe that I was a worthless student who couldn't study and is incredibly lazy who only brings trouble to the class, she believed all of the lies and resented me for it. Without evidence, and lack of foundation to some stories she still believed that I was a wrong-doer troublemaker.
In our school, every class had two students every week to look after the class, our job was to simply watch the class during recess, to clean the board and the class, and to wander the halls looking for troublemakers. During a particular week, I was chosen to wander the first floor and keep a lookout. On one dammed morning one of my two classmates' idea of fun was a sick twisted game of spitting out from the first floor's window into other students while they laughed, I quickly confronted them warning them that they should cut it off before I alert one of the teachers, naturally, they ignored every warning I gave to them, so I set my way to look for a teacher, and naturally, the Universe had a funny idea of a sense of humor because I couldn't find any higher authority than myself at the time, and knocking on the teacher's council room to disturb them was a choice that I just.. couldn't bare to do. So they did it, they achieved their twisted idea of fun. the bell rang, and our first class was with our head teacher, as she was going to take a seat on her chair the two half-wits who were spitting outside the window laughingly started to speak to the teacher "Teacher, teacher! you wouldn't BELIEVE what Malo has done at recess!" before they even said anything I knew what they wanted to say, this would surely ruin my reputation to the whole class...I felt my Soul leaving my body, my shoulders Shivering... "He spitted on multiple people from the window! he's gross!" the whole class started to look at me in a tone that I couldn't understand, is this it? is this really how I'm gonna lose my reputation? I already said goodbye to my social life before the teacher even made a remark on that sentence, She was disturbed, grossed out, and last, but definitely not least, she was furious. "How dare you? Do you know you're ruining this class's reputation? do you know what you are? a Disgusting creature, Well...even I wouldn't have guessed that you're capable of doing such an unforgivable act!" She definitely continued her loud sentence but my mind was lost on the Disgusting creature part. Even if the story isn't true, this sentence left a heavy trace on me, at this point everything on my body was trembling, my feet, my hands, my mouth, and my mental state. I was thinking of nothing, and everything while she was chewing my head off, she was furious, I was furious...I knew very well that if I tell her simply the truth she won't side with me, But I gave it a shot and with my trembling voice I decided to tell her that it was all a lie, and they were making stuff up to ruin me. "Yeah, they do? Interesting, tell that to your Parents maybe they'll believe you." she then started to take out a pen from her purse and wrote something on a sticky note, at this point in time I completely lost it, I started to heavily cry, even though I have tried to speak I couldn't even make an understandable sentence, nobody was on my side and I was completely alone. I glanced at Martina for a brief second during my breakdown, she gave me a specific look that emitted a heavy look of satisfaction, the two half-wits just smiled and they thought they had fully got away with their perfect crime of framing me. But my Brilliance was shown somehow, I remember that just a week ago the school had officially installed cameras on every corridor and in the school plaza. "Wait!" I said while every course of my body was still trembling "the...the cameras! there are cameras around the corridor!" I legitimately heard someone gasp out of shock, there was complete silence afterward in the class, the two half-wits smile began to quickly evaporate into thin air as their new emotion landed on their faces, fear. Even the teacher was shocked, she must've forgotten about the cameras since they were still a new installment in the school. "Very well I look into it when class ends" she said in a much calmer tone. Later that day, I asked the teacher if she saw the camera footage, throughout the rest of the day her face was full of shame and embarrassment, in a much quieter voice she nodded her head and said "yes." and that was the end of the drama. Pretty anticlimactic isn't it? but did the two idiots had ever received some sort of punishment because of that prank they pulled? no. Would I have received one? one hundred percent. Favoritism was a key word in her character.
There was however a particular character in my classroom, it had seemed like my reputation did not affect what he thought about me as a person though, he never bullied the crap out of me, never made any rude remarks, and never even attempted to look at me the wrong way. At first, he seemed like the jockey type of guy, he was very loud, party animal even but overall still pretty nerdy in retrospect. He liked things I liked, and what I liked was what other typical nerdy kids like at their age, video games. Video games are by no means original, everyone liked playing them but not everyone liked talking about them and expressing their feeling towards them on a deeper level like I and him. No don't let this deceive you, however, because I and him were not that similar, or at least, not back then, I made a mental note of how he acted like back in the day, he wasn't obnoxious, but he was loud, typically if someone is loud and has threateningly social atmosphere I tent to just find them quite obnoxious and frustrating to hang around with but that guy wasn't, on another note his life wasn't crumbling around him like mine did, like many of my classmates he too had excellent grades, and he even had a friend group in that school that he always hung around with, in other words, we weren't similar at all, but to me, it felt like we were, which was the second problem.76Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsPySehahAh
One Particular morning we were hanging out in the schoolyard, it was probably mid-December and I was bloody freezing, the weather had a really gray color palette and the fog was thicker than my one hundred pairs of clothes under me, I still remember that moment very particularly. I & he and some kids I knew were socializing together, and everything went well, I was listening to them talking when students out of nowhere they had begun trading my classmate and being unnecessarily mean to him "but seriously, how come you're so ugly? Usually, I don't say stuff like this because I'm not that kind of guy but-... how come you are?" He began to feel very terrible about himself, because of the cold weather I could physically see his cheeks getting red, surprisingly he did not lash out or began to get angry but instead he looked away and down to the ground with shame and said very calmly "oh well... I don't even know..." This was probably the first time when I had felt sorry for him, perhaps because for the very first time I could relate to him? Perhaps because I understood how it feels when people say rude things to you? Or perhaps because he just simply didn't deserve it. Kids can be very mean to each other for no reason, now I understand that this is only because they haven't learned that everything they do, everything they say will have consequences in the end but.. in that day I have learned a very great and heavy lesson about beauty and ugliness. Everything is opinion based, I have watched this "ugly creature" while the guy listed all the things that were wrong with his face, as he was devouring my classmate's self-esteem I couldn't even see one problem with him, He was perfectly normal, just like the rest of us. I wish I could've been brave enough to put that rude guy into his rightful place, I wish I could've protected him so badly but instead, I just watched, watched, and listened as the guy ridiculed him in front of a small group of people.76Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4vN0aOJkvR
In the following days I began to feel strange, a sensation that I never felt before, at first it started simple, weirdly enough I felt happier, I haven't felt that way in a long time, it was like I had detoxification in a spa, my eyes were shining brighter, my skin started acting up, my face couldn't stop smiling, it was like someone had replaced me completely.76Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ29k77LyrN3
It was Friday, I was in class, everything felt really slow around me, I watched through the window as birds were passing by the big trees, as the breeze touched the leaves I felt a great relaxation flowing through my body, for the first time in that year I was calm. The teacher was writing something on the blackboard while everyone stayed completely silent and tried their hardest to copy what she was writing, as I stopped staring outside and started staring in front of the blackboard I noticed the boy who was deemed ugly by those rude kids, the... "particular character." As I was staring at him in front of the blackboard I thought about what the kids said to him, "how in the hell could someone insult someone like that? I would never do such a thing" I was begging to feel sad over him, "besides he is far from ugly, he's normal...just like us..." I felt my pupils widen as I said those words in my head "he really is a handsome guy. Way more special than anyone I had ever met in my life" At this point The sadness I felt before I started contemplating was completely gone, and got replaced by that strange happiness I started feeling a couple of weeks ago "he's really the one only who is nice to me and doesn't treat me like a complete joke... he's really nice.." that was it, I stopped for a minute and got really red "am I serious? Am I really saying these things?!" "Why am I saying these things?"76Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIWfubxKPOy
At last, I needed to pause and concentrate on what was happening to me. Happy? Why would I ever feel happy in a situation like this and only when I'm around him, even the weather felt...colorful now... is this..? No...76Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpqE81IfyVj
... "am I... in love?"76Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7zNdH1iI1z
There was a huge pause in my head, my entire face was red, and I didn't know what to think. I was sweating heavily, there was no stopping this feeling, at the time I didn't know how strong these feelings could get but I just knew that sooner or later I'm gonna have to find out
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