Letters at the Door (Part Two)
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We continued talking over a couple of months through letters passed back and forth through the cat door. I began collecting her notes and storing them in a box like a keepsake. I learned that her favorite food is an omelet which gave me the idea to start learning. Last Sunday I told her I finally wanted to treat her for everything she did and she agreed to dinner. So for the first time in a long time, someone will enter my home and I am excited truly. The arranged day was for Tuesday and she should arrive soon I just hope I cooked everything well enough. Just as I set the table I heard my door open for the first time in a long time. Unfortunately, my self-conscious nature took over so I turned off all the lights and lit a candle for her side of the table. I am so nervous yet such a familiar feeling.
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Kayla; " Hey I made it. Uh is there a problem with your lights Erin. Feels like a start to a horror film."
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Erin; " We'll my lights work they are just low and I'm being self-conscious at this time. So no it's not a horror film till you taste the food, I haven't cooked in ages."
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Kayla; " We'll it looks fantastic thanks for the candlelight dinner. So you see me but I have yet to see you."
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Erin; " You are not missing much but even without the candle I'm sure I could see you still. But in any event, welcome and I hope you enjoy the food."
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We made idle charter as we enjoyed our simple meal together, she is far more captivating than I imagined. She told me more about her childhood and her friends as well. She also talked about her current relationship with a boy at her college. Someone this amazing was clearly taken but it didn't stop my heart and mind from wandering. But we are friends and that's enough for me, but somehow she got my past relationships out of me.
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Kayla; " I told you mine so how about your own experiences."
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Erin; " I was in love young and carried it from middle school to high school, but I didn't stand a chance. But in his defense we were only friends I guess I just wanted more, I was greedy. My second attempt was at a job but I was just a showpiece in the end and I left that situation fast. My last attempt was a drunken bar hook up I figured maybe if I looked for someone the wrong way I could find the right one. Truthfully I was just stupid and hurt but above all I was delusional. I decided to withdraw from the world itself and never left my new home, complete solitude."
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Kayla" I had similar experiences it's not pleasant especially a showpiece for the world to admire. But looking at you from this angle I can see how much beauty you hold inside, even if your bangs are too long. Even as you hide behind those strands of hair I'm certain they are the ones who lost a beautiful puzzle piece."
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I had not realized she found a light I was so caught up in my memories but here we are staring at one another. I feel like a deer in the headlights as I stared at her through my long bangs but I could feel her eyes piercing the veil. She saw me completely.
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Erin; " Uh when did the lights come on."
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Kayla; " Sorry but you sounded sad while you recounted your memories so I was going to make sure you were okay but I couldn't see. So I stumbled onto a wall with a light, but you don't have a reason to hide like this at all."
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Erin; " Life doesn't need more people like me and if my words can reach people like you then everything is fine inside this .....Home of mine."
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Kayla; " Prison you mean right...Erin is there a real reason your hiding here inside this place. With the lights on I can see nothing personal around at all. It's almost like you have been hiding from something or someone."
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Erin; " Uh sorry I think it's getting late can we continue this tomorrow Kayla. I have work tomorrow and you still have school so we should end this here."
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Kayla; " Erin you can call on me for anything you know, you don't have to be afraid of anything with me here. But good night ill see you tomorrow then."
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Erin; " Yeah good night Kayla."
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What I mean is I'm sorry Kayla for how this night has to end. I wish I could tell you but I really can't explain my life to you, and you have your own life to live. With her gone, I decided to turn off the lights once more and clean up a little bit before heading to bed. We are truly social creatures and I feel so drawn to her that it's becoming a desperation feeling. I must have been cut off socially for so long without realizing it till she arrived at my front door. Now my mind and body are torn because I feel afraid of growing close even though I hunger for it so terribly. Friends or more is not an option the more I consider the consequences of my decisions.
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After that night I felt more self-aware and became more anxious over everything that occurred between us. She came by like normal to pass a letter like we always did to communicate but I didn't respond. I was so caught up in my head trying to sort out my feelings which meant ignoring her. This continued for a couple of days till I made myself sick over worrying and thinking. I don't remember much other than collapsing and everything else was a blur, but when I awoke she was next to me. I tried to speak but her facial expressions told me she was truly worried over me. She didn't leave my side over the next two days for anything. I needed to explain but I couldn't collect my thoughts before but now I can focus.
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Erin; " I am sorry...."
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Kayla; " Was it what happened at dinner that night, is that why you ignored me, or was it because you were sick. If you were sick then why didn't you reach out to me."
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Erin; " because you make my head and heart remember what it's like to feel this way for someone. I have no idea how to address it so I tried to organize everything but I got sick... I'm sorry I didn't mean for this to happen."
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Kayla; " What would you have done if I didn't have your key. God Erin that could have been way worse don't you understand. Your life matters so don't risk it like that. As far as worrying over that it's natural when you have a connection to someone and you haven't socialized either. I mean I am with someone but you should still be able to tell me things."
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Erin; " The time I went to the bar to get drunk and find someone I found a woman. It was my first time but I was drunk and wanted anyone to make me feel wanted... But she was a jealous type, normally you get drunk and go home with them and walk away. But I stayed because I was desperate to feel wanted, so I became her personal showpiece. I didn't realize it at first but things escalated and got tense the longer we dated, then it went into physical arguments. I got away from her after weeks of living in that place, and she's mostly why I'm afraid. But they all are the reason why I'm afraid to fall for someone."
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Kayla; " oh Erin I'm sorry I had no idea. We can figure this out but we can still be friends you know. I'm still here for you after all. But I should head home to get ready for school work I missed, professors won't be too happy I skipped. But take care of yourself and don't get sick like that again I'll be checking up on you."
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She was right in so many ways and I'm glad we are still friends even after everything I said. At least I got it all out finally.
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