Letters at the Door part Five
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Erin/
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When I had the idea to wander around looking for Amy I wasn't in the right mind but I also didn't disregard what she said. Awakening in bed to that familiar fragrance of hers is still intoxicating to me but seeing her sleeping face near me is captivating still. Sometime last night I remember crying and she had come in to check on me till I fell asleep. She kept herself distant from me like she's afraid of touching me but I understand, I'm not sure I could be ready for that just yet. But I miss these moments we once had but those times truly are gone now.
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Amy; " Staring at a person sleeping is rude."
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Erin; " Sleeping so beautifully is a crime... Morning Amy."
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Amy; " Yea...Good morning, I'll get breakfast ready you can go ahead and take a shower."
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Entering the bathroom was like stepping back in time because nothing was changed. The towel set we bought is still hanging next to hers, she complained about the idea. But I pleaded with her to do it as the first couple item we got together. I didn't wanna take too long so I made it a quick shower to my surprise she snuck in to leave me some clothes. Still caring for me even though this has to be painful for her, I'm a big idiot running to her about someone else.
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The breakfast she cooked was looking and smelling terrific but there was a sad look on her face, even as she tried to bury it.
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Erin; " Amy is...Are you okay, I know I shouldn't have come but I can leave right now if it's a problem."
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Amy; " It's fine I'm just coming to terms that I may have a chance to be in your life again. That's all I want honest."
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Erin; " What I said before came out all wrong you know I'm just an idiot... I do want to be friends with you but I can't deny that I felt a little afraid being in here. But I guess I was worrying about Kayla more."
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I know that's what she wants but I can still see that part of her fighting to the surface. The mention of another person being so close provokes it, even knowing this I had to come to her. I'm an idiot I know but I'm also alone right now whether that's okay or not I don't know anymore. I can't help feeling like I'm always doing wrong. But with breakfast done I should head home and try to fix things with Kayla.
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Erin; " Hey Amy thank you... I should head home though."
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Amy; " Of course you want me to walk you home.?"
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Erin; " No ill be fine umm maybe we can meet fit coffee or something."
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Amy; " Yea that would be great, take care."
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Walking home alone gives me the time to think of anything I could say to fix this. I still don't know if I was just too eager to kiss her or not, but she returned my kiss so that means something. But how do I apologize if I don't even know what her thoughts are and I don't think I could get her to talk to me. She looked upset when-
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Kayla; "oh You are out and about Erin, everything okay.?"
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Erin; " Kayla...Umm hi uhh, what are you doing here so early."
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Kayla; " Wanted to talk to you about...Well, what happened yesterday I felt bad about the running out part, and umm well I was doing some thinking."
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Erin; " Yeah same here....uh I wanna apologize but let's take this inside."
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The silence between us was heavy like we both have a heavy fear of speaking too soon. After shutting my door I finally turned some lights on and sat on the farthest part of my couch. I didn't trust myself at this point, and I can only imagine how bad this could go. As long as I breathe I may survive this.
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Kayla; " So what happened last time was nice and uh I liked it but it was my first time with another girl. And I have a bf... Look ever since I met you I had a strange attraction to you and I often had thoughts about you a lot when I got home. Then you kissed me and everything clicked I realize I was attracted to you in some way... But all the thinking I did well I didn't come to an answer you know. I have known Tommy since we were kids so it made sense but I never felt this way about another girl in any way."
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She was sighing throughout her speech trying to clarify and resolve this. But the only thing I could take from that is that I'm responsible for misunderstanding a situation. I just wanna hide away again and lock my doors up tighter. I shouldn't have let her in or close because I can't control myself at all.
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Kayla; " Hey, you okay.?"
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Erin; " Ah...Sorry I just couldn't help thinking how wrong I read the situation at that time. I seem to make bad decisions that I interpret as good you know. I'm sorry I shouldn't have done that but I can't apologize enough for it."
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We sat in silence for sometime before she decided to cook us dinner. I couldn't help laughing at the change of subject but I appreciated it all the same. Because this will be the last time I let anyone near me again, no more mistakes. I'll disappear properly so I don't continue making these bad decisions and then I can free any and Kayla from me right.
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We sat in silence talking every so often but we mostly ate our last meal together in silence. And when we were done she left it was difficult to see her leave knowing my intentions going forward. But in sure she will say we can still be friends but that's as dangerous as having Amy so close. The next couple of weeks had some letters between Kayla and me but I could feel the distance between us. She told me how she was still working through her thoughts about everything and she suggested us going out but I told her I wasn't feeling the greatest, but she was persistent. Every time we wrote letters to each other she asked how I was and if I was ready to go outside but I didn't respond, my walls were rising higher than ever and I didn't want her to worry. So in one letter I wrote I just told her.
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" The worlds beautiful and cruel, I had my adventures out into it recently but the cruelty remains the same. I don't think I'm meant for it"
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Perhaps I'm wrong once more but I want the world to stay locked away from me permanently.
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