Letters at the Door part Three
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Time was passing like normal and things seemed to settle. I still don't fully understand my feelings but I know what I wanted. Luckily I didn't scare her away and we continue writing letters back and forth between us like nothing ever happened. We tried to arrange several dinners again but something always got in the way for us, almost as if fate didn't intend for us to have another. I wanted to be unafraid of the outside world ever since I met her and I have made attempts but never successful. Every step I tried to take further than my home was like lava scorching me which sent me back home. It's hard to admit that you know why you are afraid and still cannot conquer the fear of it.
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But I finally decided to settle myself and embrace what little courage I had. For some reason, I was compelled to go where she was. It was like a gravity pull I couldn't resist seeking her out even now. I wish I understood what side my feelings laid on between desperate or something more. The sun was not as bright as expected but the outside world was still beautiful like she said. Walking through the town was easier than I thought I still remember each step to find the places I once loved. Fear settles in the pit of my stomach no matter how far I walk towards her. It didn't take me long to set foot on the small campus and luckily I arrived during her lunchtime.
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She told me about a little spot she often used for her lunch break which gave her the perfect view of the lake behind the campus. Finding her wasn't the hard part it was seeing her and being frozen. I just stared at her from the distance watching I felt so frozen but I slowly began to walk forward. Then I got to see the person she was dating, the person she was now kissing. We are friends and yet it hurts to see this but I know that this is how life was meant to be for me. I walked away from the sight heading home after I accomplished my goal no matter how hard it was to see what I did. But I hope my letter can make her smile, she finally got me to leave my safe prison. But in the end, I always have to return home so it's never a true escape.
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On the way home I stopped by a little vendor who was selling cute little fragrance animals. I was always fascinated by some of these designs and the fragrance I loved most was strawberry. But lost in my thoughts I didn't realize how fate can be cruel to someone like me.
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Amy; " Erin...Is that you?"
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My heart became like ice frozen in place I couldn't even tell if I was breathing. But I know that voice and when I turned everything started clicking like clockwork. It was her and this is what that fear was warning me about I couldn't speak nor move at first. I had to register just how terrible fate could be to me. I wanted to run perhaps I should have.
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Erin; " Amy.....How."
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Amy; " I have been looking for you...well, I know how that sounds but I wanted to apologize to you. Please can we talk, somewhere public is fine. But please let me apologize."
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I didn't hate her but I was afraid of her all the same but this side of hers was what made me fall for her. So I followed her to a cafe nearby and we sat in awkward silence for a moment, I couldn't help feeling panicked.
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Amy; " Look what happened between us was my fault and I don't have any excuses, I'm responsible for it all. I was always like that in relationships because it's how relationships use to be for me and I someone adapted to it. Too afraid of losing someone perhaps. I don't have any excuse for what I did and I don't have the right to ask for forgiveness but I wanted you to know I'm truly sorry. What we had was special to me and I was ashamed of how I destroyed that out of fear and stupidity. I didn't expect I would find you but I kept looking because I remember you and it's haunted me for so long."
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Erin; " two years since we last saw each other you could have moved on by now. But thank you for telling me, I won't deny I'm not still afraid of you though."
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Amy; " I deserve that but if possible I would like to be friends again. I know it's asking a lot but if I can have you in my life again I think I could slowly find a way to make amends."
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Erin; " Because of you... I don't often leave the house, I don't connect to people, I don't find it easy to fall for people. Because of you, I gave up on everything because this world has too much cruelty. And perhaps I'm wrong for complaining but I just wanted one person to actually want me. Do you know how I felt at all, you had to know Amy."
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Amy; " Yea I know how you felt...I'm sorry if I could take it back I would even if it meant you never met me."
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Erin; "That's just it Amy, I don't wish I never met you. I wish we could have worked out because I truly gave you what little I had left to give. I have to go but it was nice to see you again for what it's worth."
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Amy; "every day no matter the weather outside at this same time. I'll be here waiting no matter how long it takes Erin, I'll wait for you. I just want to help you and be in your life again."
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I gave her a sad smile before leaving because I know she will wait there. I could have told her not to but she was the only one who wanted me even if it was in the form of a showpiece. She was proud to have me and it may have been wrong but in the end, I feel circumstances altered how things went between us. I buried my thoughts about her but I always had a special place in my heart for her. Because she was genuine about her feelings and devotion to me unlike the others before her. Sometimes the bad things in a relationship are also the good things we just need to know the person. After arriving back at my home I got ready to wait once more for Kayla to send a letter.
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Kayla; " Hey I got your letter at the front desk, did you really go outside. You should have come and said hi it would have been nice to see you outside this house you know."
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Erin; " I was going to but when i saw you sitting there my feet wouldn't move. And then I saw your boyfriend show up so I left but in a way me leaving meant I could meet my Ex again. So I guess Fate is just strange that way."
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Kayla; " Your Ex?.... Who"
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