Like the obedient soldier he was, Private Holt had escorted us back up to the main hallway. Though I suppose that escorted would be a rather loose term to describe it. Shada had been in the lead the entire time, shoulders hunched and hands stuffed down in the pockets of her baggy pants. I didn’t have to see her face to know that same fiery burn was still blazing in her eyes. Never once had she let Holt get within a few feet of her, and she seemed more than content to just leave it at that.
The moment we reached the final door and Shada forced her way through it into the blinding lights of the hallway, she was already stalking off down the corridor at our right. I hadn’t even realized that Private Holt had disappeared until the door behind me swung shut, locking with a quiet click. It was only then that I’d noticed the silence around us, hardly any different than that godforsaken cell. At least now, the humming of the fluorescents were being somewhat broken up by the sound of footsteps echoing off the long walls.
Now completely alone with Shada once again and each hallway clearly devoid of all life, I’d turned back around to face my former cellmate. Though by that point, she was already halfway down the long hall without so much as even a second’s hesitation. And yet, I was calling out to her before I could stop myself. “Hey. Rhodes.”
“What?” She whirled around to look at me, and I blinked against the harshness of the light that surrounded her. Dark spots had danced at the edges of my vision, blocking out the exact look on her face.
‘It’s not like you have anything to lose, y’know.’
‘You want to know if I had anything to do with the spy.’
I shifted, daring a few cautious steps toward her. I’d reasoned with myself that it was to avoid having to shout halfway across the bunker. No sense in anyone hearing us talking, right? But no, maybe it was more than that. Maybe I couldn’t stand the thought of the silence - the hostility - remaining between us from here on out. We’re all in the same sinking ship, after all. And if I could offer any resolution to my wordless accusations from the cell, then I would.
But the closer I got, the more I’d started to wish that I’d kept my mouth shut. Her lips were twisted down and eyes were narrowed into a sharp glare. And yet, it lacked that animosity that she’d worn for nearly the entire duration of our imprisonment together. An impatient brow was raised in the following silence. “Look, Vanderwaal.Just because you tried to take the fall for me back there, doesn’t make us friends.”
“I just wanted you to know, I-” I cut myself off for a moment, hesitating over my words. She has to know I didn’t mean it, right? But then my gaze flitted to the glistening red skin that pulled at her stitches. A flash of metal in the blinding lights darted through the back of my mind. I could still hear the sickening crack as the gun had collided with her face, and that alone made my chest tighten all over again. “I know you aren’t the spy.”
And I’m sorry. I couldn’t bring those words to leave my lips a second time, and bit my tongue instead. She knew that already.
Her gaze softened into something more exhausted and her shoulders dropped, though her lips remained molded into that same downturn. “Ya don’t say,” came her casual drawl in response. “Next time I tell you to do something, or not to do something, just fuckin’ listen, yeah?” She was turning on her heel and stalking off before I could say another word. Something told me she hadn’t wanted me to say anything else to begin with. And that was fine by me.
That would be the last I’d see or hear from her for a while. The taunts and rumors would cease, and Shada Rhodes would become nothing more than a ghost of the bunker. Always there, stalking in the shadows and haunting the back of my mind. But she’d kept to herself; she had her own plans and, as it turned out, I had mine.
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The first thing I’d done upon being released from that hellish cell was trying to scrub away the feeling of that cold concrete against my skin. With my shoulders and muscles still aching something dreadful, at least the hot water that pelted down over my body would offer some form of solace. The typically dry-feeling soap felt heavenly on my skin and the sight of the dirty water disappearing down the drain had been an even better feeling. Maybe it couldn’t wash away the fact that any of it happened, but by the time I’d twisted the faucet off and the stream was cut to nothing, the aching in my limbs had ceased. The scratchy towels felt even softer than they had when I’d first arrived in the bunker.
Though my skin had still been scraped raw from lying on the hard floor for days on end, the redness had gone down significantly and the blistering scrapes were easily concealed by the sleeves of my jacket. Once I’d pulled on a clean change of clothes and dropped my wavy mane of wet hair down from the towel, I finally had at least some idea as to what my next move was. Maybe it was the lingering dizziness from the shower or the way that my mind was starting to feel somewhat clear for the first time in weeks, but it was well past time to talk to Sage. About everything. Both her, and Mira.
Besides, it wasn’t like my absence would’ve gone unnoticed.
There’d likely be hell to pay, I figured, though I wouldn’t have minded. It was probably more than deserved. My actions had warranted a certain amount of guilt to weigh in my mind, one that I could hopefully put to rest sooner rather than later. And so, I’d eventually found myself wandering through the long hallways back towards Sage’s room. As I watched the numbers change with each room I passed, the less that guilt seemed to weigh on me. For the time being, at least. Though the moment the curtain had been swept open to reveal an empty room, there was only the dull ache of disappointment in my chest.
Was it early or late?
Stopping by the daycare would confirm that it was in fact, late. The room was empty and doors locked up tight. The once disgustingly lively chatter of toddling children was silent and only a vast darkness met my gaze from behind the sprawl of windows along the wall. I inched closer to peer through the glass, finding only vague shapes of chairs stacked up on tables and toys strewn about haphazardly. With no sign that anyone had been there for hours and the gym just as quiet, I backed away from the windows and headed towards the last place I could think of; the mess hall.
The trek to the cafeteria wasn’t terrible from the daycare, only two halls down in that labyrinth of a bunker. On a normal day, the loud chatter of the usual crowds lingering in the mess hall could be heard from the daycare’s hallway. Though now, it wasn’t until I’d made that final turn that any voices could be heard. The shouting and rising hysteria seemed to have died down, but what I was greeted with had been anything but reassuring. The closer I got to those double doors, the more soldiers seemed to be hanging around.
They stood with a forced casualness, talking amongst themselves as though they just happened to be there. No gazes lingered on me as I walked past, but that did little to quell the uneasiness coiling in my stomach. A flash of russet hair and a freckled face had been the only soldier I recognized in that handful lining the walls. The moment Maddie’s eyes landed on me, she straightened her posture and got seemingly far more interested in her conversation with the other Private before her.
‘-it’s like you’re asking me to lose my job.’
I forced a swallow through the tightness in my throat and continued on. The Beretta was gone, Shada had gotten hurt and imprisoned, and now Maddie was up here refusing to acknowledge me. Just how much trouble had I caused? And after I’d said I wouldn’t get anyone in trouble. With a shaking breath, I ignored the ache in my chest as I passed Private Maier and kept my head down. She said nothing to me, and I followed suit. After all, what could I say? ‘Sorry if you lost your job, won’t happen again!’
I couldn’t bring myself to look back at her as I stepped forward, pushing open one of the massive doors and slipped into the room. Small crowds were scattered across the mostly empty tables, tucked up in little groups and fully distanced from the others. At the far end of the mess hall and seated at the long table closest to the kitchen, a perfect and beautifully familiar face could be seen. To her right was Mira and, together they were joined by Ryan and his fiancee along with two others who I failed to recognize. A guy and girl; both sitting on the other side of Mira, who was leaning her back wholly against the guy’s chest and laughing loudly along to whatever conversation was taking place.
What had she said his name was? And why did they look so familiar?
Before I could collect my thoughts, Sage was already jumping to her feet and crossing the room with a speed I’d almost forgotten she’d had. My girlfriend was throwing her arms around me in an instant, knocking me back a step and I was burying my face in her hair with fingers curled tightly in the thin fabric of her shirt. I could’ve stood there for hours, just breathing in the scent of her, even if it was just that same cheap shampoo and laundry detergent of the bunker. It was still her.
And yet, I’d found myself waiting for her to yell at me, to lecture me about whatever it was that had been plaguing her mind for the past week or so. Something; anything. There was none of that, though. Instead, her grip around me only tightened and I felt her nose graze against my neck. “Oh, there’s my working girl!” She was backing out of the embrace before I had time to say anything. “Why didn’t you just tell me you already had a job instead of letting me ramble on and make an ass of myself?”
A what?
I blinked, shooting a look over her shoulder at the slightly full table. The small group was only somewhat watching, with Mira’s attention on us and Lydia glancing over in our direction. The girl with the frizzy red hair offered an excited wave, one that I only half-heartedly returned.
I blinked myself out of the foggy confusion that was in my mind as I felt warm fingers curling tightly around mine. My gaze snapped back to Sage, who was grinning at me and I said the first and only thing that had come to my mind; “Job?”
I followed rather numbly as she led us back through the mess hall towards the others, laughing in that smooth, lovely laugh she always did. The warmth it caused in my chest did little to outweigh the fuzziness in my head though as we approached the group. “Come on, Ro. No need to keep playing dumb, you know. Lydia already spilled the beans. Secret’s out, now. Though I guess job is kind of a strong word, but still.”
At that, I’d managed to catch Lydia’s eye over the rim of her coffee mug. There was a dark look in them as she gave me nothing more than a subtle shake of her head. By the time the ceramic bottom was clinking back down against the table, I’d almost convinced myself that I had imagined the whole interaction. Whatever warmth had been in my chest was quickly being replaced by a weight to accompany the ever growing blankness in my head.
“-you’d just told me.” Sage’s one-sided conversation had cut through my rather hazy train of thoughts and I forced myself to look over at her. “Either way, I think it’s great you’re finally getting along with Shada.” The feeling of her soft fingers in mine had slipped away, replacing my grip with an empty coldness. She was taking back her seat at the table, scooting over to leave enough space for me to join.
Had I wanted to. But I looked over the group at the table; the newcomers and the soldiers. Lydia wasn’t meeting my gaze and aside from a warm smile and head nod, Ryan was far more invested in his conversation with Mira. “It’s about time,” Major Cartwell finally decided to chime in as she pushed clumps of scrambled egg around on her plate. “Lord knows Shada could use someone like you guys around. Unfortunately, it’s been a lot of long hours getting everything ready. But I guess it gives them time to get over their differences for once.”
Another look was cast in my direction; dark and pointed. A very clear, very painful warning. There was a cold chill that ran down my back as I looked back to Ryan. He had yet to look at me again; completely and totally locked into his conversation with Mira who was, of course, listening intently. “...yeah.” Forcing myself to swallow, I took the seat next to Sage at the end of the bench. “Long, long hours.”
My girlfriend wasted no time in leaning back against me, arms snaking around my waist and chin against my shoulder. There was a brief intake of breath as she shifted a bit more upright, but another voice cut her off before she could finish her thought.
“Hey, Rowan!” Of course, it was Mira. On the other side of Sage, the redhead was leaning forward over the table and waving me down as if I were sitting two streets away. The moment my attention was on her, she let out a loud and rather dramatic sigh. “‘Bout time, I’ve been landing planes over here trying to get your attention. Anyways-” she cut herself off with an obnoxious flair for theatrics, throwing herself back to lean against the newcomer; the guy. What was his name, again? Derek? Daniel? “This handsome fella right here’s Dante.” The grin she flashed me was all teeth and pride as the guy - Dante - quickly found himself enlisted in wrapping his arms around his girlfriend.
“And Dina,” came another voice. At the far end of the bench, the redheaded stranger leaned herself up onto the table to give me a wide smile. Her face was all freckles and dimples as she reached as far down the table as she could with a hand held out. Dante shifted, shooting the girl a glare as he was forced to lean out of the way. His obvious annoyance at being so terribly inconvenienced went entirely unnoticed by Dina, who was still grinning. Tentatively, I inched out of Sage’s grasp to accept her eager handshake. “Rowan, right? It’s so good to see you again!”
Again?
Wide, doe eyes met mine and a glimpse of hazel flashed through the back of my mind. Hands sticky with blood. Engines rumbling and rocks crunching beneath massive tires. Two teenagers, covered in ash and blood. Curly auburn hair and a smile that could never reach those hazel eyes. She’d had a name, hadn’t she? They both had. ‘Dina,’ she said. And Dante. And Dante. Dina.
I jerked my hand out of her grasp fast enough to startle both myself and her. Once my shaking hand had been cradled up against my chest with my thumb running over my knuckles, they’d become devoid of any stickiness and ash. Like it hadn’t been there in months. Even the rumbling of the trucks had faded to the back of my mind, leaving me alone with several sets of wide eyes. I forced my gaze down to my hands, seeing nothing but pale skin that was devoid of anything other than scabbing tears around the nails. When I finally looked back up to the siblings, Dina’s smile had softened considerably.
Much like my hands, the ash and blood were gone from both of the siblings. Frizzy russet hair had bounced back to life, though still clearly unruly and matted underneath. Any wounds had been long gone for well over a few months ago now. Right? I tried to force a swallow to ease the dryness in my mouth, to no avail. “Yeah, ah…” My gaze flitted back to Dina. “You too.”
Whether it was out of my obvious discomfort or his own irritation, Dante finally elbowed his sister and with an aggravated huff, she dropped back down beside him and out of sight. Sage’s hand had found mine at some point and removed it from my chest. I still wasn’t entirely convinced it wasn’t covered in blood, no matter how many times she ran her thumb over my skin. Conversations had started back up again, though they sounded nothing more than muffled murmurs in the distance. I’d unfortunately caught a glimpse of green eyes watching me over Sage’s head, pierced brow quirked and a downturn to her lips. I dropped my gaze down at the brown fingers that trailed gentle paths over the slopes of my knuckles.
“-no one better to help decorate for a wedding,” Sage was saying by the time I eventually willed myself back to what passed for reality in that moment, despite how I still wasn’t making much sense of any of it. Wedding? “She’d always be the first to sign the cheer squad up for the decorating committee. Let’s just say that their formals were never dull.”
“Shada’s never really had much of an eye for anything like that,” came the Major’s response as she lifted her coffee to her lips yet again. She took a long and careful slip, briefly meeting my gaze over the rim before setting it back down with a clink. “Guess that’s why she’s the maid of honor and Rowan here can be in charge of making things look halfway decent. A challenge I’m sure, given the circumstances.”
“The ceremony will be lovely,” Sage assured her, shifting eagerly in her seat.
The movement was enough of an excuse for me to retrieve my hand from hers and with the change in conversation, I once again tried to get anyone to look at me; Lydia? Ryan? Either of them, but to no avail. Ryan had excused himself at some point, leaving Mira to fall into a rather starry-eyed conversation with Dante, whilst Dina had rounded the long table to steal Ryan’s spot and butt into whatever Sage and Lydia had started going on about. Wedding planning? My gaze flitted to long and slender fingers where the soldier’s engagement ring glinted against pale skin. Now?
‘At least pretend to appreciate whoever you have left,’ was what Shada had said, right? And looking at the ring around Lydia’s finger and hearing long, droning conversations about weddings and planning had me wondering just where she’d gotten that mentality from. Yet now, I was beginning to get the feeling I had my answer.
But what about the spy? What about-
I was pushing myself up from the table before I realized it, and five sets of eyes were once again on me. “Speaking of ah…wedding details, there’s something I have to run by Mira.”
My head was swimming by the time I’d dragged the redhead to her feet, effectively pulling her away from her boyfriend despite her protests. “Rowan, what-” But I had cut her off before any further questions could leave her mouth. If the cat was out of the bag about the wedding to everyone but me, there’s hardly a reason not to use that to my advantage, right? Surely I couldn’t fool Lydia, but Sage would remain none the wiser.
For the time being, at least. Their conversations still rang in my ears, blissfully ignorant to everything. The survivors, the mistrust, the fear. And yet I was dragged into this? Threats of the spy were still a fresh wound and I pushed myself out through the massive double doors, dragging Mira out into the hallway with me. Her protests and questions continued on until the moment the doors swung shut, though the walls that remained lined with soldiers had been an unfortunate deterrent.
“Seriously, what’s going on?” The redhead brought me to a jolting halt halfway down the hallway and I shot a look over the taller girl’s shoulder, down at the clusters of soldiers. Familiar eyes met mine briefly and brows furrowed, but I tore my gaze away before Private Mair could be bothered to raise any alarm. If she felt the need, that was. I didn’t know what they were looking for; spies or revolution, but it didn’t matter. I wasn’t taking any chances. “Rowan. Seriously dude, you’re freaking me out.”
Mira jerked her arm in my grasp, jolting my attention back to her. Maddie’s eyes had returned fully focused to the soldier she’d been locked in conversation with, and I took that moment to tug my friend around the corner and down into the first hallway. The quiet chatter of both civilians and soldiers alike had faded into the background as I allowed myself to ease into the quiet of the desolate hall. “Okay, look. If you’re not gonna start talking about something, then-”
“Mira.” The redhead snapped her mouth shut as I released her arm, and she dropped her weight back against the wall behind her. “I’ve been lying…a lot. To you and Simone both. And…and now….”
Now things are getting out of hand. The weight of everything was a cinder block on my chest by now, and every minute I remained quiet was another painful stitch across my lips. I didn’t know which was worse; keeping quiet, or coming clean. Right now, neither option seemed ideal. Not with those green eyes watching me, growing wider as her brows furrowed. “And now I just really need someone to talk to.”
The silence trailed on as I hesitated over my words, It ticked by second after second, only further causing me to brace myself against whatever she had to say. Likely something harsh and disapproving; something deserving. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me anything?” I could hear it in the thickness of that stale, bunker air. And by that point, I couldn’t bring myself to say anything at all. Any promise of coming clean stuck in my throat, hard and painful.
A careful warmth had begun to bleed in through the thick sleeves of my jacket, drawing my wary gaze to the fingers that were now curled around my arm. A thumb ran itself over the tearing fabric and I’d forced myself to once again meet those green eyes of hers. There was none of that hurt or hate that I’d been expecting. “Well come on then,” she offered instead. “Let’s talk.”
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