Song Used: Happier by Marshmello
P.O.V: Azusa
A/N: Also. Trigger Warning-Anxiety, Suicidal thoughts and Depression. Don’t read if you can’t handle it. And if you need someone to vent to I’m here. :)
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I shake my head, struggling to get those stupid thoughts out of it; but they just keep coming back, they just keep shouting at me! “I’m not enough!” I tell myself, I believe it too, I can’t do anything right, I can’t even make the ones I care about happy, not that there’s many of those people anyways...I want you to be happier, I want you to be happier
I want Dark and Teena (no I didn’t spell this wrong it means something else) to be happy that’s all I want and even then I mess it up. Teena doesn’t even know I exist most probably and I always make Dark upset.
”Don’t worry, things will get better eventually..” Dark says to try and comfort me but I just don’t know anymore. My mind tells me that I can’t do any of this and I should just give up. It’s driving me crazy and I just want all this pain to go away. When we see what we've become
I hate the way Dark can see straight through me like it’s nothing. Sometimes I even hate Laito a little bit just for the fact that Dark fell in love with him and not me. I’m jealous he’s the one she wants and not me but hey, why would anyone want me? In the cold light of day we're a flame in the wind546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr591THU1b8
Not the fire that we've begun
I’m just a reject, the one people don’t notice and don’t bother about. Why should they? I don’t deserve anything good to come to me because I’m a mistake. I can’t study well like others, I can’t play games as well as others. I can’t even do simple things like talking to people I like!!Every argument, every word we can't take back
”I DONT CARE IF I DIE OKAY?!” Oh. Shit. I wasn’t supposed to say that, not now, not in front of Dark. NONONONONONO— “Azusa..” She..She’s not leaving..? I’m an idiot, I can’t even hold back my own tears. 'Cause with the all that has happened
She pulls me into a hug, something I didn’t know I would need ever, I don’t know what to do. My eyes went all blurry and my cheeks were wet. I’m crying as if I was a small baby again. ‘Pathetic..’ that’s what my mind whispers, but Dark just hugs me tighter. I think that we both know the way that the story ends
”I care if you die, stupid..” she mumbles into my chest and I just cry even harder, my heart aches and it feels like I need to rip it out which is exactly what I want to do. “Shh..I’m not going anywhere..just let it out on me.” That was the calmest I’ve felt in awhile.
I stare at my phone, blinking away tears of both worry and frustration at Teena’s messages;
’YOUR FRIENDS ARE JERKS!’
’HOW COULD HE POST SUCH A THING?!’
’ITS SO RUDE YOU KNOW.’I want to change my mind
I ask Dark to update me on what on Earth happened and she comes back to tell me that someone leaked their messages with her and wasn’t even freaking sorry. 'Cause this just don't feel right to me
I feel the anger course through me like drugs in my bloodstream. I clench my fist; not caring at the sharp stinging of my nails digging into my palms or the cold numbing of my knuckles going pale and whitish as I clench it harder. I want to raise your spirits
”...I just wanted her to be happy...” I mumble to myself as I begin to shake, anger subsiding into something I’m not sure what to describe it as, that undoubtable guilt you have when someone does something wrong on your account yet you refuse to believe it was their fault at all. I want to see you smile but
”I just wanted her to be happy for god’s sake!” I nearly shout, raising my voice ever so slightly as I force myself to go to sleep that night.Know that means I'll have to leave
”Azusa?” Dark looks me over once, twice, before speaking again, “Oh god..I heard what happened...” she pauses again, I let the hurt sink in more, and it feels like all my anger, frustration and irritation is ready to burst out as a punch on Len’s face.
She clenches a hand on my shoulder, seeing through my hard moulded facade. “Azu, no. You know it’ll only hurt you and get you both in trouble.” She emphasises but I can hardly care. “So what if I get in trouble or get hurt Dark?” She sighs and I panic, she’s finally gotten tired of me hasn’t she? She’s just gonna walk away like this was all nothing because I’m so annoying and all I do is disappoint— “Who’ll take care of Teena if you’re suspended? I sure as anything ain’t gonna.” She admits. Wow..I–I never thought about it that way..I just thought I’d be doing Teena a favour. I exhale and nod, agreeing with her and walking back to classes with her. Lately, I've been, I've been thinking
I slam my head against the desk, I can’t help it.
She.
Just.
Won’t.
Get.
Out!!I want you to be happier, I want you to be happier
I can’t even focus anymore, it’s like no matter what little or huge thing I do my mind just drifts back to her–Teena–. I just love her so much and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong and why she doesn’t like me. I keep texting her, just a hello and I know I’m being annoying but I can’t help it. It’s worrying me to think that I don’t know whether she’s okay or not, I mean—what if she’s in danger?!
I lay in bed, an arm draped over my tired head and I just stare at the ceiling, not really tired or sleepy after my mom shouted at me for no reason as usual. Dark said I should just let myself think, maybe I should try to do that now..oh well..it can’t get worse can it? And I'm left there with my thoughts
It’s quiet at first, then I see Teena, it’s so..nice here, she’s happy, I’m happy, we’re just hanging out on the sports courts, shooting hoops, and woah…she’s so good! Just like she is at everything, she’s amazing and beautiful and pretty and adorable and sporty and nice and just…her. And the image of you being with someone else
Abruptly I feel something snap in my mind, Len? What on earth does HE want? He already has someone! (Agust this is before) Everything that happened flashes through my mind and I feel tears prick my eyes, my heart aches and my head is suddenly spinning as if I sat on an amusement park ride. I’m so confused, scared. I don’t know where to go anymore. Well, that's eating me up inside
”Dark!” I see her laying her head on her boyfriend’s shoulder, they’re talking, and I feel as if I want to puke at the envious love that’s seeping towards me like an overly strong perfume on someone with a hypersensitive nose and eyes. She looks up at me, bringing her head off his shoulder, soothing my nausea for a brief moment before placing a kiss on his cheek and walking to me. But we run our course, we pretend that we're okay
”Azu? What happened? You look frantic.” She states and it’s only then I notice I’m shaking and breathing heavily, my thoughts must really be bothering me...ah shoot I have to speak to her…what was it about…? I stare at her, blinking stupidly, then I shake my head and continue blinking. “Azu? Those thoughts, from our younger years, they’re coming back again aren’t they?” Now if we jump together at least we can swim
I don’t even deny it this time because she’s right, she’s always right. “Oh..you poor thing,” she says softly, sadly and I see her focus on something for a second, I look at her and wait, “She doesn’t hate you, you know, she’s just ridiculously fed up with what the other guys have been giving her, all honesty.” I nod at her, my own mind spacing out as what she says goes in one ear and out the other. Far away from the wreck we made
That’s it. I can’t take it anymore, I’m going to give up, I can’t take the pain of her ignoring me anymore, I’m just going to get rid of my crush.
It worked for maybe a day or two before the thoughts came even stronger than anything; leaving me with a huge headache and a call to Dark, “Dark..?” The voice was quiet, but relaxed and steady as she replied back to my shaky one, “Azu? Did something happen? You usually text..” “I’m okay..I think...I can’t stop—thoughts…her.” I blabber out and I huff out a relieved sigh as she gives back an understanding ‘oh’. I want to change my mind
“Azu, you can’t just force yourself to forget about someone. You really can’t, the most you could do it slowly stop thinking, nothing happens within a few weeks.” But more than that is too long! It’s the same as it’s happening now! “But I can’t do this anymore! Knowing she’s angry at me for some reason makes me feel more like dying than I already do! I only cause problems now anyways.” 'Cause this just don't feel right to me
It goes quiet for a while and I’m about to freak out, I’ve just messed up everything right? She just heard the same stuff over and over and over again and I’m not even trying to follow her advice or listen to what she has to say. “You don’t only cause problems Azusa, you’re our friend too, Shane, Light, me...if you can’t live for yourself anymore, well, then can you do something for me?” She’s gonna tell me not to kill myself but I’m not sure I can stop it for much longer…I want to raise your spirits
”Yes?”I want to see you smile but
”Live for me. You care about me right?”Know that means I'll have to leave
I don’t hesitate. “As of now I care about only you.”
She giggles mutely from across the line and I can hear the smile in her voice as she continues talking, “You’re really sweet, thank you. But like I said, if you can’t live for yourself anymore, do this for me, live for me instead. Because if you’re gone, I’m going to blame myself everyday for your death and you know that.” Lately, I've been, I've been thinking
Why would she blame herself, I bet she’d be so so happy to have me gone too, it would just be a burden gone and then she can get on with her life without my problems. “I honestly don’t think you know you’re saying that out loud, but I’m being honest Azu, and I would blame myself because I would know I lost one of my closest friends because I wasn’t able to show him that life would be so much better with him here. And you telling me things aren’t ‘problems’, it’s good to voice out and not let everything overboil inside you.” I want you to be happier, I want you to be happier
That night, for the first time in a long while I managed to sleep early, my mind was blissfully empty and I felt as though I could sleep peacefully.
I will go, go, go
The next morning I told Dark about my accomplishment. She smiled from behind me, resting her chin on the top of my hair as I sat; “I’m so happy for you Azu, I knew you could do it, I’m proud of you.”So I'll go, I'll go546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVcuj0U9JhZ
I will go, go, go
I began smiling more and more over those next few weeks. Sure, the thoughts came back but it was more worth seeing Dark happy for my happiness than dwelling on something I knew couldn’t be changed no matter how hard I tried.
The funny thing is that Dark can still read me like an open book. She knows what to say, when to say it and how to say it and I’m honestly so thankful for her because I don’t know what would’ve happened to me in that hell-hole if she didn’t give me a ladder to climb out of it. I want you to be happier, I want you to be happier
Today’s her birthday, I didn’t have enough money to get her a gift and my mom didn’t give me the money I asked for so I just made her a card. Even though I might not like this
It was a stupid idea considering that she’s so much better of an artist than almost any of us in Form 3, but she seemed very happy to get it anyhow, she hugged me too so that was good.I think that you'll be happier, I want you to be happier
”Thank you for the card Azusa! It’s really pretty!!” She beamed and I hugged her back, pulling back and patting her head, “Nah, thank you for everything Dark, Happy Birthday oldie.”
I want to change my mind
And with that, I ran as fast as I can as I heard her screaming behind me about how she was just “A YEAR OLDER” but hey, still old right?? 'Cause this just don't feel right to me546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE8cIlYKZ6C
I want to raise your spirits
The day went by quick and slowly I began to notice that Teena hadn’t been slipping into my mind very often anymore, I updated Dark and I got an “I told you so” in return. I want to see you smile but546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJfEgnEZNZ4
Know that means I'll have to leave
I guess she was right, it would take a while but it would happen the way I want it to. I’m still in control and I’m glad about that.
Lately, I've been, I've been thinking
Who knows what will happen in the future anyways? I’ll probably find another girl who finally likes me the way I like her! I want you to be happier, I want you to be happier
Until that day comes, I guess I’ll have to learn to be patient.
I will go, go, go
