I’d always known that my physical appearance wasn’t like other girls my age. Instead of fake eyelashes, I would wear thick glasses. No nail polish, just antiquarian rings. Looking back on past photos of me from my school days and then comparing them to former classmates, it’s shocking. Not only was I insecure but in reality, I really didn’t belong in these classmate groups. Non-uniform days were often awkward and uncomfortable since most kids walked around the school campus in their brand new Jack Willis jeans and shoes or Gucci handbags. I was stuck with a secondhand rucksack, hoodie and plain leggings.
Most days when I’m volunteering, I always like to wear somewhat comfort clothes such as a long checked shirt and then another shirt underneath in the winter months. As I write this chapter, it’s coming up to mid-October and with current Covid restrictions, we can’t have the heating on the shop and the front door must be open during trading hours. Therefore, most negative thoughts about what I look like seem to fly straight out the window when I’m working.
Fast fashion is a growing issue in the world which after being a long-term Primark shopper for years, realised around a year ago that my shopping habits were doing much damage than goodness. Where was the budgeting each month for me going wrong? I realised that charity shops were the best places to find some real gems and potentially a look that was both funky and appealing to me. I could feel like a twenty two year old rather than a ten year old.
Back before the likes of apps such as Depop and Vinted, I always tried to avoid physically shopping unless it was absolutely necessary. Most times were a right disaster. My anxiety couldn’t let me go half a day away from not feeling faint or worked up. My mum would frown at me sometimes if I really started to lose focus on the task at hand. My home city was always busy with young people shopping including classmates. At this time, it really doesn’t bother me much. At school she however, it scared the crap out of me.
There are patterns of clothing I love such as checked shirts and design leggings that have some sort of print on them plus writing. Not only do leggings make me feel taller, they give me some rare small form of confidence that I truly didn’t think I would get from any forms of clothing.
I only buy my clothes secondhand apart from underwear. There is a chain store in the UK called M+S and you don’t often see young people in there which was lovely for timid me in the past. The underwear section has a range just for petite women (under 5’4) and materials that softer and designed for sensitive skin (which I’ve got) and you can’t say that about most places I’ve been a shopper at. My budgeting has come a long way and definitely planning items to purchase in advance really helps. You save time and hassle.
I have yet to buy clothes using Depop but I have looked at items for sale. Starting from just £1 all the way up to £100. There are lots of sellers and plenty of options to suit everyone’s needs!
From the library, I recently borrowed a book called Am I Ugly? This I hoped would sort of be that wake-up call I need in my life in regards to my mind’s take on my body. If my mind says I’m ugly bodied, then I’m ugly bodied. Yet, is there a magic formula in self-help books to try and change my thoughts on my skin, my senses, myself? Could I write about my self-help reading and living experiences on this topic? The author of Am I Ugly? certainly felt brave enough to and I admire her for that.
My best friend always tells me off if I’m ever negative about how I look or rumbling if I should go back to buying make-up. Being naive and dismissing towards them isn’t healthy and slowly, that’s starting to tick in my mind that they could feel hurt if I turned my back and refused to accept their opinions.
Fashion really for me isn’t a scary issue anymore. I know what works well for me and what doesn’t. It really shouldn’t be on my mind at all to be honest. That was the struggles of past me. Remember though with depression and flashbacks, it isn’t easy to snap out of echoing comments made by others. Sometimes I hear “fat and ugly snail” repeatedly if I pick a t-shirt off a hanger for example in a shop. Giving in to that flashback has haunted me in the past.
One trigger I can say hasn’t helped is watching music videos filled with dancers who are slim and showing off their muscles and viewers who are making live comments on live-streams saying “Oh, we all need to look like that if we are going to do well and for any chance of having others attracted to you.” Um, gosh no!
There are times when my TV would be playing MTV music videos or live concerts and those dancers would all be strutting their stuff, yet body image comparison and negative thoughts creep in and that’s disturbing. No-one should ever be made to feel uncomfortable or pressured to look a certain way. I was pressured into wearing jeans. I tried, laughed and said screw you, since on experience and reflecting, it wasn’t for me. Rewarding myself right now by saying “at least I tried” is a good thing.
I can shop for clothes now on my own and now prefer to do so, since I can see for myself what speaks to me. It was a long road to get to current days but I’m glad it happened.
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