Sounds like being made to sit in a tight cell for hours. In reality, when I learnt that my home country was going into a three-week lockdown, I was so afraid. I dreamt about the first thing I would do once the current crisis was over. Knowing that I couldn't travel out to work, volunteer, see loved ones or even do food shopping was hard. As technology has evolved, there are more ways than ever to speak to people. I like Facetime and use it daily. Yet, there's always a longing to physically walk out and say hello face to face.
Routine changes for an autistic person are literally like a lightning bolt striking your heart. You've become so used to living a certain way and do the normal things over and over again each day. Now, time to adjust. I try not to look at the news when my family and I are together each evening eating dinner. Yet I know out there and not just where I live, there are thousands of other autistics struggling with adjustment.
Some aren't sitting exams, some are living away from home and can't travel, therefore being stranded. I am not in either position, yet I'm having my own internal struggles. It's the fear of being fined or even arrested for going outside. I live close to an open area full of fields and football pitches, yet I haven't braved it since helicopters fly over my house near daily. Others are watching, some are reporting their close neighbours and friends for even opening their front door and stepping onto the pavement.
I have trust issues, so my mind is tricking me to think that someone living on my road could do this to me, even if it's only to go to the local supermarket to get essential supplies. There are things I have daily that I need such as almond milk, toiletries including sanitary pads (yes that happened to me right at the start of the lockdown, thanks to mother nature!)
I've never seen my family so afraid before. Their behaviours have changed drastically and no-one else related to me has autism. Sometimes, I'm actually feeling calmer than they are. Stigmas and researches say that this should be the other way around. All I say to that is oh well, I'm fighting back. Masking is also a factor right now since I'm trying to laugh and smile like nothing is happening. I hope my family can see that I'm still hoping to make everyone happy at this patch of bleakness.
I have spent the year anniversary of my autism diagnosis in my bedroom, rather than walking and travelling around. Who would have thought this time last year, we would all be told to stay away from public places and work from home? It goes to show that this world is often an unpredictable and scary place to habit.
One of the biggest fears I have is my grandmother. I don't have the best relationship with her, yet she is 93 years old and in the high-risk group, living alone and having to stay completely indoors. She struggles with her health and my family call her daily. We can't do anything should something bad happen to her. Another family member close by luckily has been travelling out to get her food to eat. Yet she's now experiencing a three month predicated period of loneliness and no hope left. That's not a nice way to live out the final years of your existence.
As I type this chapter up today, my family and I are waiting for the final home food delivery we were able to get. After that, we are on our own. One of us will have to go to the local supermarket with no luck in finding all the essentials that we need. I could be the one to race down and join a long queue. Yet I am too afraid of getting verbally abused in the street by a passer-by or something along those lines. Even though I'm dreaming of freedom, I do want to respect the health and wellbeing of others and only go down into the back garden in the sunshine and go nowhere else. It's an emotional time and an awkward situation we are all facing. Anyway, here are some tips to close off this chapter as always.
1. This is really the time to use social media. That's so you can stay in touch with loved ones and fun interactive events happening. I took an online dance class the other week, which was fun!
2. I've used the more free time available to me to work on new projects creatively. Find the best ones to distract your worries. I loved going through my bookshelves and deciding what I want to read during the Spring months.
3. Music is so great and I am an avid lover of the app Spotify (which I have a premium account opened with) Making playlists is always fun to do and finding new artists to fall in love with.
4. Keep the ones you live with close. I always like to make moments during the long days to speak to my family and try to have fun at dinner, swapping funny stories and memories from the past.
Wherever you currently are in the world, I hope that you stay safe and well. I'm always here on Penana if you need to chat with someone. There's always Instagram if you feel like looking at funny videos of celebrities doing tik tok dances (that is a new favourite thing of mine to do!)
Seriously, stay at home if you can. Take each day as it comes and when you are distracted from all the negativity, you will feel so much better, I guarantee that. Thanks for reading this chapter!
Alice x
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