"I just thought..." We were all waiting on Track to explain. I could tell walking in that he had something in mind. The rain moved out quick — Track must have checked the weather and known it would — so we got together after my shift was done. All six of us. And now we’re at Big Bend, and Track’s telling us what he has in mind. “I just thought we could... Be honest,” he says. “Like, with each other I mean." Everyone moved a little where they sat, maybe thinking of things they'd have to be honest about.
"I mean, look," Track continued. "We're best friends, right?" We all nodded a little, but that wasn't good enough for Track. "Right?" We nodded harder.
"You're my only friends," said Archie. Some 'yeah's and 'same's and other words like that.
"Right," said Track "Right." He looked at each of us. "Well, it's not turning out like I thought it would this summer." He looked a little confused. "Like my dad said... So I was helping frame a roof, and he was watching me, and he said, 'Good man,' to me. 'Good man.' I looked down at him and said, 'Man?' and he looked at me all serious and said, 'Yes, son. Good man. You're a young man now. Boy no more,' he said. So I keep working, but I keep thinking about that. Boy no more. Boy no more. And...
"Well it's not lame!" he snapped. "And this whole summer so far has been shit, because... Because I'm not taking care of business." He went quiet. We weren't all that clear what he was talking about.
"...Uh, taking care of business?" Kara prodded.
"Dad always says that," Track said. "'A man takes care of business."
We let that one sit for a long time. The afternoon was beautiful. Hot, but not scorching, and the air was crystal clear, like it gets when it's not humid. Little puffy white clouds. No one was sweating, but it was still a perfect day for a swim. Later maybe. But now we just sat around on the bank, thinking.
Dara finally said something. "My grandma said, 'Becoming an adult can be surprising.'" We looked at her.
"I'm not a man." ...Oh. That was me. I almost took it back, but didn't. That seemed to stop the train, so we stay quiet again.
Track got irritated. "Look, I just wanted to tell stuff, okay? Just because you're my best friends — like Archie said. My only friends, and I just think we should say stuff to each other. So we know — so we know each other. I want you to know me and... Well so we can stay friends, and—”
"Take care of each other," Kara interrupted. "So we can take care of each other!"
Track looked at her. "Yeah," he said. "I think that's what I mean."
Kara kept on. "Because we have secrets, now, and we didn't used to. And the more secrets we have, the more we split apart," she said. "I don't want to split apart."
"Me neither," Celeste added. "I've been worried we were splitting apart." Dara nodded.
"I'm not splitting," Archie said. "I'm not. I don't know what you're talking about."
"Am I gay?" Track asked hard. "You should know is what I mean. Am I? Am I gay?" A very scared feeling came over me. Archie and Celeste answered at the same time:
"I don't know." Archie.
"No." Celeste.
Then the quiet just hung there like death. A small cloud covered the sun. The wind died, and a little chill came over us. Track stared straight at me, way hard. Fierce almost. I swallowed. Now I'm terrified, and I don't know why.
At last, "You were so drunk," he said to me, but he was telling it to all of us. Now I know why I'm terrified. "You were so drunk. I'd never seen you that drunk."
"Don't," I whispered.
"...I have to." His eyes were pleading.
And me? I started to cry. Right there, in front of everyone. Just tears, nothing else, because I got really calm too — like maybe how you'd feel if you were about to die, but somehow you knew at the same time that you were completely safe. Somehow. I nodded tiny. A tiny, tiny nod. Track smiled — a tiny smile.
"Wasted," he said. "So wasted you even..." His eyes begged. I tiny nodded again. "...Pissed yourself. ...You were so drunk." Nothing. No response. "You couldn't even hear me when I called you. You were just singing shit, laying on the bank. Throwing your shoes is all you did. I came over. You smiled. You looked so... so helpless." His eyes needed. "So kind." I couldn't look away to see what the others were thinking. "And I undressed you so I could rinse your pants, and you just lay there smiling. Nice." Oh. "And I took your boxers off too — to rinse them. I did that. With your clothes." Oh Jesus. "Just lying there. And then I pulled you halfway into the stream so it would wash... I... helped with that too." Yes. Yes he did. "Helped wash. A lot and I felt so good it was so nice and you smiled and smiled. I..." He lay down with me. "I lay down with you, and first thing you put your arms around me. I'll never forget. Do you remember?" Yes. "Any of it?" Yes. "Do you?"
I remembered.
A hummingbird flew in and hovered close to Dara's hair, then dashed off.
"We kissed," I said. Me. I spoke. I said it.
"Yeah we kissed," Track agreed.
"...Yeah."
"We kissed a lot," Track said. "For a long time. And I... used my hand on you but not long. You didn't—"
"I didn't."
"You didn't do anything, you... didn't do anything. I tried but... You had your cheek next to mine. I tried. I wanted. But you..."
"Crying. I was crying." I was crying right then, too. I'm fucking always crying. Things started to go quiet, but Dara took a shot — maybe to change the subject.
"You cry a lot, Lather," she said. A couple gentle laughs.
Track just carried on. "You were crying. So then, yeah, I just helped you get dressed." He smiled a little sadly. "Good thing too, because then you were puke sick for a long time."
He was done.
Silence.
...Well. That was interesting. And just like that, I stop crying. It just turns off. I stood up and stared over the stream, but then I turned and started talking, and looked at everyone.
"Okay!" I said. "How about that! So yeah, I peed my pants and I made out with Track, and maybe if I hadn't been so drunk we would have done something gayer than that. So now you know. And..." Uh oh. "And we're telling, right?" Bad idea. "I'll tell you another story about me too." Don't do it! Don't don't don't—
"So when I came here last Friday?" I focused on the girls now, fighting to look right into their eyes. "And you're in my favorite spot, and I see you through the trees. I'm sweating like crazy and you are all laying out looking... So so hot, I can't even... The sweat was crazy, like, when it's like slippery. Itching me, so I just. ...Well you girls just looked so... sexy. I mean, I don't know I just had to. Kara, you... So, yeah! Right there in the trees, I just. I did... my thing I..." Oh fuck. Stupid stupid stupid, but I had to try, because I am not gay, and this... Oh. Fuck.
Track laughed out loud. "Did you...? You didn't! Did you...?"
Silence. Then, Archie:
"Beat off?"he asked, like a teacher called on him and he doesn't really know.
Celeste smiled. "I thought I heard something."
I didn't move a muscle.
Then all at once, everyone starts laughing like crazy, and 'woo-woo'ing. Some whistles. Some, 'oh-oh-oh'ing and people moving their hands like... like you move your hands. I'm laughing too, feeling... Well, feeling free! Way free!
So then, oh, my turn to drop a bomb.
"Well at least I didn't come in my pants when I was just kissing!"
Silence again.
Then Archie slowly raises his hand a little. "Sorry Dar. I didn't know it could even happen. I didn't—" Dar grabbed him and kissed him hard. The rest of us laughed a little. Warm.
"...That can happen?" Kara asked. Archie smiled and shrugged. He really has changed!
After that, we got into this long conversation about ejaculating and sperm and erections and what it's like for girls. Yeah, and Track, Archie and me really didn't know squat about what girls like — what's down there, and what happens. I was amazed. Oh, and we talked about birth control, and 'can't you just pull it out?' and condoms. None of us really knew anything about condoms, except Archie said he'd tried on one of his dad's a couple years back. Then, masturbation, starting with people laughing at my story again and making me tell more, but then talking about who does it (Archie never has!), and what they do — big lesson about girls again for me! Celeste says she doesn't, really, but Dara said she does! Kara sorta smiled and nodded some. Then we kind of did a more serious talk about drinking — about how that can start things. And wreck things. And fuck up families (Dara again). But can be good too, just to feel good for awhile. Hangovers and puking too. We talked some about drugs, but none of us were big weed smokers, and none of us had tried anything else. ...We talked kind of weirdly about how you can fuck up in different ways, bad. Or maybe not. About the future. About what happened with some people, and I thought for sure we were way done with our own stuff, but then...
"I was a little drunk..." Celeste said, obviously starting a story.
"And what?" I said.
Celeste looked at Dara, and then quick glanced at Track.
"I felt up a boy at the keg party — not one of us," she added. I wasn't sure what 'felt up' meant for a boy, but she told the rest. "Rubbed his thing. You know. He had his... Well he wasn't naked. It only took a couple seconds, but I think he... he... ejaculated," she said like she'd never said the word before. She looked around, a little worried looking. "I just wanted to see what it was like!" she explained. "I mean, if we're telling stuff. I just had something to tell is all."
"It's okay, Cel," Dara said.
"Yeah." Several of us. Quiet again. Except we could see that Celeste kept glancing at Track.
Track noticed too. "Tell them, Celeste," he said. "It's okay." She stared at him. He smiled, and then so did she.
So Celeste took a deep breath. She even sort of stretched her arms, and then she told about how she had gone to Track's — just to talk. To see how he was. She told how he was sad, and angry, and how she put a hand on his leg — "just to be nice," she said. Well then the story slowed down a little. She didn't look at the rest of us at all — only at Track, or at the water. She told us what she did to him — what she did for him. How it wasn't like the boy at the party. How it was more.How it took longer. How shy Track looked. A couple of other things about... well, about things that surprised her. How it all worked, and looked, and... Anyway, and then how they had gone for a long walk after.
My mouth was literally hanging open when she was done, and mine wasn't the only one. And I thought, this has to be the last story, because our group was opened wide. Were there any secrets left? I couldn't imagine.
I felt great, too. Like I was weightless. Floating. So good — that free thing again. We were quiet again, but people's faces were all sort of peaceful. thoughtful I guess. No worry anywhere. And none of it was fucked! None of it was weird! It's all just real. It could have been anything — anything! Things happen. People do things. It works out — if you have friends! I looked around, and I think everyone was feeling just like that.
"So, am I gay?" Track asked again. So I'm not floating anymore. "Any guesses?" he asked. I start thinking -- what do I guess? Well, there was me at Big Bend, and there was Celeste at Track's house, so...
Archie looked like he might say something, but stopped. The rest of us just waited. No stress, really. No stress. Just waiting for a text or something.
At last, Track started to answer, kind of stuttering at first. "...I... Well, I... I mean..." Like he wants to be sure he's sure. " I think. I. ...am," he got out at last. "I... am," he said again, and then pretty clear and strong, "I'm gay."
Then Track sighed a sigh that felt like settling down into big comfy chair. Some of the rest of us did too. "I'm gay," he repeated, looking around. "So, is that..."
"We knew the whole time," Kara said, but then she changed her mind a little, which isn't like Kara. "I mean, no, we didn't. I mean, Dar, Cel and me mostly thought so. Thought you could be I mean."
"I never thought so," said Archie.
"Yeah, but you never even thought about it at all," I said. People laughed.
"I wasn't even sure," Track said. But see..." He paused, strangely, and we all looked at him. "See, there is... well, there is a boy I think about." My eyes went a little wide. "Not you, Track." I nodded — but did I feel anything? "Sometimes I do. At night," he added, looking at Kara with a fast smile. "He's going into 10th, so... But he's old for 10th — he'll be 16 in a couple months. I think about him. I said 'hi' a few times, and he seems really friendly. He's—"
"Kristof," Dara said. Track's head swung around fast to stare at her, his mouth open in shock. "Kristof Janakoff," she said. "He is beautiful."
"Yeah," said Kara and Celeste.
"So gorgeous," Kara confirmed. "And, he is totally gay."
* * *
It was a brilliant afternoon. We hung out until late, one by one calling to say we'd miss dinner or whatever. We did swim — skinny dipping like always. We talked and laid out. ...And, well, I think Kara and me might have started something. Just the way we looked at each other — well, really the way she looked at me was what started it. And, oh, the way she sort of got a little close to me in the water, so that we were just bumping into each other a little — kind of brushing close a bit, even though we were looking right at each other. Just starting, I mean. Maybe. Maybe. Only maybe, even if Celeste did say...
"Oh for god's sake, get a room you two!"
It really isn't anywhere like that yet. I kind of think I like the way Dara and Archie are taking it. So... Well, I asked Kara...
"So maybe do you want to go to Chipotle tomorrow?"
She said 'I guess so,' so that was enough.
...I gotta say, though, that Celeste surprised me the rest of the day. She was really all over Track, and Track was liking it a lot. I didn't know how that was supposed to work, but it is true that when we were walking out, and Celeste was behind me, and Track behind her, that I swear I heard her say...
"Could you be a little... bi?"
And him say, "I don't know. ...I guess so."
I don't have a clue. All I know is that I love my friends so much. All of them. My woods friends. My best friends. ...My only friends.
I love them.
Forever.
ns 15.158.61.20da2
