Let’s face it, 2020 has been the shittest year since I was born. My health is screwed, I had to give up a job I had grown to love, lost friends and had my heart broken too. Witnessing family members break down in tears down the phone or through video calls due to the stress of lockdown and bad mental health was never easy. Having past agoraphobia triggers coming back and not going out as far as your back garden and at the worst times, staying in your bedroom and refusing to show your face at all. It has been the worst possible opening to a new decade.
I didn’t talk to many people over lockdown and just as it started to lift. Most people in the area where I’m from did follow the rules however, hearing the worst horror stories on the news did nothing to ease all the fears I truly felt. As of now, I refuse to touch any books to read that feature a pandemic, or someone passing away from a viral illness yet my viewing of medical programmes on the TV after lockdown grew. Many past shows I used to see stopped this year. Instead, I grew to throwing myself into all the ones about the NHS. 24 Hours In A+E, Ambulance, 999 What’s Your Emergency etc. They are all British shows and have real-life stories of those affected by illness or injury and end up in hospital.
I was brave enough to read a book over the summer called Dear NHS which is a collection of 100 celebrities writing thank you letters to the doctors and nurses that looked after/treated either them or someone the celebrity knew such as a close family member. It was difficult to hold back the tears. Opening up to family and friends has always been hard for me throughout my existence on planet Earth and when I finally did, it changed my world completely. My mental health had spiralled so much that my boyfriend and I came to blows am which resulted in the break-up. When I heard that supposed loved ones were planning to message me nasty things about my health online, I flipped out even more. I distanced myself away and cut off ties with hundreds of people I knew on social media and personally.
I came back to Instagram a few weeks ago and so far, it’s comfortable somewhat. Telling my mind that I was going to try online again for a while was daunting but there is still an option of walking away for good. Writing here on this Penana page pretty much stopped once lockdown was lifted. There was neither the time or the ideas to keep myself going with it until now. Being alone for roughly 95% of the working week means if I set myself a note on my phone to remind me to check in here and write, then chances are that I will definitely do it.
Even though I no longer have a job, I made the decision to throw myself into my voluntary stuff and take up more hours and more responsibilities. Despite 2020, I became a student again even after telling the internet world that if you struggle with mental health issues, then don’t take up any courses of studying! So far, I love what I do. Business Management has become a new goal of mine and one day, I would love to secure a scholarship to study it further at undergraduate level. If I had the money and had never been to Uni before, I could have stepped forwards and apply now. Sadly I don’t have the means to right now. But I’m not saying never happening.
Researching books and serving customers have been two things that have grown so important and treasuring to me. Even yesterday during a shift, getting a lovely compliment from a customer saying that I had strong levels of professional customer service really made me smile. It hasn’t been an overnight success but nice to know that some lovely human beings do exist and will tell you amazing things to keep your spirits up!
I’ve grown closer to new and old volunteers at my role and even started training and mentoring a few just to keep them at ease and let them know that someone does care about them. I’ve cried, laughed and dwelled so much in the last few months. I miss the warm summery weather in my garden and the chance to pitch my tent up to read outside in. Winter is coming quickly and some worries start to return.
I was so naive in complaining so much about the cold, wet weather when really, there are truly worse things out there in the world. I do give off a little grumble every now and then but after Covid-19, I really want to educate and open my eyes up more to just about anything important and educational. My reading tastes have changed, my music tastes have changed, my eating habits have changed. Lots and lots of change. Which is difficult for most autistic people to deal with.
Somehow though, I slowly start to feel a little more comfortable and open with myself. I can still rush in and speed stuff up, in particular during volunteering and get told to slow down a little. Yet balancing is an art I’m trying to master. I miss my family but still try to check in without causing a fuss. I voice my opinions more but let others still have a say. I may only be 22 years of age, but things have changed.
I can see over re-reading past chapters of the book how my mind was trying to process everything. Even though events were cancelled and courses postponed, I’ve completed various things still and that’s great. There’s still time left this year to add more to the list, including finishing this book.
Which I will be able to.
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