As you probably guessed, my family was part of the Satanic Church. I wanted to tell Ethan this so I would hide nothing from him. The thing was that I knew that he could never accept or understand this. People thought that Satanists were evil. They thought that we killed small babies and drank blood. As a Satanist child, they thought that I would be abused in the worse possible ways. Hollywood has made us evil and dangerous. This was not the case. I was never abused or treated badly. I lived in a good loving home with parents that loved me. Our morality and ethics were just as good as any God-fearing person. Despite this, I knew that Ethan or anyone else in the village would never understand this. My parents were right. I had to keep this part of my life a secret.
The next day, the school went as it usually went. The students and teachers were nice and friendly. They accepted me as part of the group and this was such a nice feeling. I was slowly making friends and being at school was something that I liked. I knew that I was pretending to be a Catholic. This was to protect me. I tried to think that I was not deceiving them, but rather they did not need to know everything about me. They would never hear me admit that I was a Catholic. It would be something that they assumed. I knew that things were going very well for me at the school and I did not want to ruin this.
Ethan was my best friend, despite that he was a boy. We walked home every day. He would always ask me if he could visit me, and I would make an excuse. One day he asked me if I wanted to come with him to the Church. This is the last place that I wanted to be but I agreed that we could go there. It was a strange experience. Ethan lit a candle and was kneeling as he said a prayer for his grandmother, who was dead. I could see Ethan kneeling as he was staring at the candle and his lips were moving. To be honest, it was a bit confusing. Did he think that his prayers would help his grandmother get to heaven or was he trying to speak with her? It seemed as if it was a waste of time. Still, it seemed to be important for him.
“Why don't you pray?” he asked when he was done163Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHnunD92ndp
“I did earlier. I... I did not want to pray too much in one day. He could think I was bugging him”163Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ1e0q0I1hk
“ You are so funny,” he laughed, “I am also an altar boy here. You know a girl can also be an altar server. Why don't you do that?”163Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoHfu51RTP8
“I do not know. I never thought about it. I am happy enough just sitting where I usually do. I think it's good that you are an altar boy and you do it so well”163Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbO6cSvZk9E
“Your choice,” he answered and suddenly had a serious look on his face, “There is something I wanted to talk about. You do not want me to visit your house. I always get the impression that you are hiding something from me. My mother said maybe your family still have moving boxes all over the place or maybe you are poor. I honestly do not care. You are my friend and it's just something that friends do. They visit each other.”
Maybe Ethan was right. Friends do visit each other. Maybe if we were in the kitchen, then no harm would be done. I knew that it was important for him. His family allowed me to come anytime and visit him. They were so kind and nice. In a way, I wanted to show him that my family were the same. My parents would like Ethan and be happy that I had a friend. He would also see that we were not poor. I did not want people to think that we were poor. It's not because that I had anything against poor people, it's just I did not want to deceive people any more than I already did. Ethan was happy when I told him that we could hang out at my home the next day.
The next day came all too soon and it did not go well. We had religion again and this time I could not keep quiet. Father Sullivan was talking about how God wanted us to be his friend and how nice and a good father he was. I blurted out that this could not be true. If God really cared for us, he would not be so distant and invisible. When we prayed to him, he would never answer. It was a one-way conversation. He expected us to believe that he was there... somewhere. God wanted us to have faith and worship him. God wanted us to think we were sinners and needed his forgiveness. This meant he was happy that we lived a life of guilt and living with a bad conscience. If God wanted to be our friend, then why did he expect so much of us and be so invisible? If he was so caring and kind as Father Sullivan said, then why would he allow his own son to die on the cross?
One of the other girls in the class said that God must be on a long holiday. The others did not say anything. They were shocked at my outburst. This confused me. I did not think that I said anything bad. It was just how I looked at things. In a way, I hoped that the priest would give me some answers. After all, I was sure that I was not the only one that had these views. This did not happen. At first, Father Sullivan went very pale and then he turned red. You could nearly see the steam coming from his ears. He told the class that Satan himself puts doubts in people's heads. Satan wants to confuse us and make us question our faith. He warned us not to let Satan in our hearts. I did my best not to say anything back to him. It would be funny telling him that in my case, it was too late. I said nothing as he told me that he wanted to see me in his office after school.
When I came to his office, he just sat there with a stern look. He finally told me that he was disappointed at my outburst in class and did not want it to repeat itself again.163Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZaIGqsonfc
“The thing is...” I replied, “Is what I believe. I am sure that others in the class believe the same thing. Why can we not use class to discuss our doubts and search for the truth?”163Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7R4Zy1lz01
“The truth is in the Bible and the resurrection of Jesus. It is important as a good Catholic girl, that you accept things that humans find hard to understand.”163Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyQTdRHfk6x
“I do not understand Maths either, yet I do not let that stop me from coming to school to learn about it.”163Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZj6JhRyAcY
The priest and I discussed this for a long time. Basically, I was told that I should not ask so many questions about things I would never understand. If I spent more time in prayer, then I could get some answers. This was a ridiculous plan. If God never answered me, then how would I become wiser? I think Father Sullivan thought I was very stubborn and could not convert me to his way of thinking. He just warned me that he would not tolerate any future outbursts in my class.
Ethan was waiting for me outside the school. I promised him that we would visit my house. Maybe this would cheer me up, and I did appreciate that he did not talk about my outburst at school. We stayed in the kitchen and I found him something to eat and drink. Ethan was surprised when he saw our kitchen by saying it was more modern and better than the one his family had. Now he knew we were not poor. We sat at the table and talked about our favourite films and music. Ethan was so easy to talk with. I was so happy that he was my friend. How did I go through 11 years of having no friends?
Ethan must have got so bored as without warning, he walked into our sitting room. I tried to tell him not to, but he was too fast. He just stood in the middle of the room in silence as he looked at a large ornament we had on a table. It was a small statue of Satan sitting on a throne and two smiling children looking up at him. I did not know what to say. I wanted the ground to swallow me up.
“Why do you have a statue of the devil,” he finally said. “He looks so scary. My parents would never have anything like this in our house!”163Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB9JFniChJW
“We just do. Besides he does not look scary. He just does not look human. He looks half human and half goat. Goats are not scary!”163Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdx6YSaom8L
“He is scary! There is also a picture of him over the fireplace. Are you a devil worshipper?”
I did not know at the time, but the question of if we were devil worshipers was a joke from Ethan. At the moment, he did not think that we were. He just thought that it was strange that we had images of Satan in our house and no cross. The question did provoke me and I blurted out that we were not devil worshipers, but we were Satanists. There was a difference. We were not evil and never hurt others. This made Ethan go silent until he said that it explained my comments that I said in class. He admitted that he always thought that I was hiding something from him. Now he knew what it was. All this was giving me anxiety. I started to cry as I told him that I understood if he no longer wanted to be my friend. I just asked him not to tell anyone at school, as it would make my life a living hell.
“I thought as a Satanist you would love hell.” he joked. “You are still my friend. I think you are one of the nicest people I ever met. The fact that you are a Satanist does shock me. However I know what is inside your heart, and you will always be a friend to me. Do not worry, I will not tell anyone about this. Look at the bright side, now we have no secrets from each other and you do not have to be afraid to invite me home”
I still had a friend. When my parents came home, I did not tell them what happened at school or that now Ethan knew our secret. I figured it would just worry them. All this made me respect Ethan more. He accepted and respected me and my beliefs despite that they were far different from his.
This is what I thought until the next day. It was now the weekend and I walked to Ethan's house. His mom answered the door but would not let me in. The only thing she would say was that I was evil and a bad influence on her son. I was no longer welcome there. I did not respond. I knew that Ethan told his parents what he saw. I was not mad at Ethan. Maybe I would have done the same. It was too big of a thing to keep a secret. It meant that I spent all day at home alone. My parents noticed that and I just made an excuse that Ethan was busy. I told myself that it was OK that he told his parents. There was still no problem. He told me that we were still friends and he would tell no one at school.
The next day, we went to mass. We planned on pretending that we were good Catholics. I could see that things were wrong when we went into the Church. Everyone stared at us. No one was smiling or looked welcoming. Mom and Dad tried to smile but they could see that something was wrong. An old man stood up and told us that “our kind” was not welcome in the church. They did not want us at the Church. Then everyone started shouting to tell us to leave.
We stood outside the church. Mom and Dad looked confused. I was not confused, I knew what happened.
Mom looked at me and asked, “Do you know why this has happened?”
To be continued
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