As I sat in the Church, I was very much in doubt about my faith. I could not remember when I asked myself if my faith in Satan was wrong. Statistically, everyone else believed in God. They could have understood things that I never did. I must admit that there was a nice atmosphere in the small chapel. It was quiet and peaceful. I was half hoping one of the statues would speak with me and tell me what was right and what was wrong. This did not happen. There was only silence. Then I thought that it was me that was right and everyone else that was wrong. God was silent and did not care. If he did care, I would not be in this place and be told my parents were too evil to take care of me. It was important that I did not let my parents down and allowed this place to convert me.
When I went back to the room, Kate was speaking as much as she usually did. She still wanted me to be her friend. I opened up and told her about Ethan. Kate heard about how much it hurt that he no longer wanted to be friends. The fact was that I was afraid of making new friends. I did not want to be hurt and besides that, I hoped that I will not stay here for a long time. Kate just shrugged her shoulders and told me that no one at the child's home hated me or disliked me. She knew that I missed my family, but it achieved nothing feeling sorry for myself. Some children here have been through hell and this would affect them for the rest of their lives.
The court hearing was coming up. My parents were not allowed to visit me. I did not even have a picture of them! The hearing would decide if I was allowed to go home. I wanted to testify in court. In this way, I could tell the judge how good my parents were. It was a shock for me that I was not even allowed to do this. My testimony was done on video that would be shown at the hearing. The lawyers were very mean and deceiving in ways. They did not want me to say anything positive. It was as if they wanted me to admit that I experienced the worse things possible and my parents were just evil demons. Every time I gave an answer, they tried to twist it around and make it look as if it was something bad. When the video testimony was over, I was exhausted and tired. There was also a feeling of guilt as I felt like I let my parents down.
Kate tried to console me afterwards. She said she missed her mother so much. Her mom was a drug addict and drank too much. Kate was not allowed to live with her mother. The sad thing was that her mother was allowed to visit Kate. It was sad because Kate would look forward to the visit and then her mom would not even show up. Kate was sure that her mom loved her, but she felt sad that her mom loved drugs and alcohol more. She told me that she was not the worse off at Saint Catherine's. It made my stomach churn as she told me why some others were removed from their families. I had problems, but nothing compared to some others.
I stayed in my room. Since I came here, I have been having so much self-pity and did not think of others and what they were going through. This made me ashamed of myself. It also made me think that maybe I should get to know the others better and be better friends with them. I started by telling Kate that we could be friends and maybe she would introduce me to the others. Time went by quicker and I was in a better mood when I started hanging with the others. I do not know if they considered me a friend, but they were nice. This in itself was nothing that I experienced much before.
Sister Mary told me that she heard from the court. The judge made a decision. I was not allowed to live with my parents. The judge thought as Satanists, they were too evil and were brainwashing me and had a bad influence. He even said that I looked sad in the video that was played in court. Did he not understand that if this was the case, it had nothing to do with my parents? It was because I could not be with them. Sister Mary told me that she testified at the hearing. She said my parents were atheists and she could see no signs of any brainwashing or abuse. Still, the judge did not listen to her. This was because I admitted that I believed in Satan. He did not even want my parents to visit me. Sister Mary told me that she convinced the judge that my parents should be able to visit me.
After I was told that I would not be allowed to go home, I stormed into my room and turned the cross on the wall upside down. The Abbess was mad when I did this and would send a nun into my room all the time to fix the cross. I was very stubborn and just turned the cross upside down again. The Abbess would call me into her office and give me a sermon. Do not ask me what she said. My mind was in other places. I was determined that she or no one else would dictate to me who I should believe in.
Kate and the other children did their best to cheer me up. They also felt as if they were never heard and treated badly by the courts. Sister Mary later explained to me that children would generally always be loyal to their parents and want to stay with them no matter how their lives were. The stories that I heard about how some children here were abused and mistreated made me wonder why they would want to go back to this. This was most likely Sister Mary's way of telling me that I should consider if the courts were right in their decision not to send me home. I did not have to think about it. I knew that It was not dangerous for me to live at home. The judge had made a mistake to keep me away from my parents.
There was no way that I was going to let the system destroy my spirit and change my views. I would show them that my parents raised a child that was brave, intelligent and had good values as well as treating others with respect, understanding and being a good friend. I continued to make new friends and I tried to smile and be happy. This meant that no one could see the hurt that I felt and how much I missed my parents. The others could only see me as a happy person that was a good friend. The good thing was that they did not care what religion I had. Kate even told me that this did not matter. What mattered was if we had a good heart or not.
We would joke about the abbess. She was a devout Catholic and yet she never seemed to smile. She never had anything good to say. She was quick to judge and punish. This confirmed that being a Satanist was not so bad. I had every reason to hate others and be bitter to others who destroyed my family. It was evident that because people did not understand my religion and were afraid of it, there was nothing wrong with persecuting us and punishing ourselves. These same people would not look in the mirror and see how hypocritical they were. The Abbess was a good example of this.
She was always on my case. I know I provoked her by turning the cross upside down and by not going to prayers. This annoyed her a lot. It annoyed her so much that one day she called me into her office to tell me that since now Saint Catherines was now my guardian, she decided that I would be baptised to what she considered to be the true faith. When she said this, I felt my face go red and told her that I had no intention of being a Catholic. This answer was followed by some threats from the abbess who claimed that she can make my life hell until I came to my senses. I told her that she can dump me in holy water as much as she wants, but I would not answer the priest when he asked if I would be a child of Jesus and renounce Satan. The Abbess was so mad that she told me that I should go to my room. I was to remain there until I changed my mind.
Kate was even told that she was not allowed to speak with me. As Kate could never keep silent, this was an impossible task. Kate supported me by staying in the room with me. It seemed as if the other children supported me and in time, we all just stayed in my room.
The abbess noticed this protest and was not happy. The only time I was allowed out of my room was to go to class. The abbess came one day and told the class that I was confined to the room as a punishment and no one was allowed to visit me. I stood up and interrupted the abbess and said, “You are punishing me because I refuse to be forcefully baptised as a Catholic. This is wrong. You cannot force someone to believe in something. It must be our own choice. This is hypocritical. It is people like you that do not want me to live with my parents because you want to persecute them because they are Satanists. You are quick to judge and condemn and punish others, yet you never look in the mirror. Does the Catholic Church not have the honour of inflicting some of the worse human rights infringements that history has ever seen? Christians have caused more wars in history than anyone else. So if you want someone like me even to be interested in becoming a Catholic, then be a good role model. I cannot see that being a bitter, mean and judgemental bitch would help me want to be a Catholic.”
The abbess got mad and sent me to my room. I was no longer even allowed to go to class.
I was allowed out one day when my parents finally visited me. We were crying and hugging a lot while telling each other how much we missed each other. I told them that I had friends here but the abbess was trying to force me to get baptized. This upset my parents and mom gave her view, “What you believe in is totally up to you. Do not let others tell you to believe in. We have raised you as a Satanist, but we would not love you any less if you decided you were a Christian. Follow your heart.”. It was nice that my parents gave me the freedom to be who I wanted. These were the same parents that the court thought would harm and hurt me. The visit from my parents went too fast. I was told that they would come as often as they could.
After my parents went, I felt so lonely. I did not want to be with others. I went to the chapel and just sat there. Sister Mary sat down next to me and told me that I had nice parents. This made me start crying. Sister Mary put her arm around me and we just sat there silently. Then Sister Mary told me that she always found the chapel to be a peaceful place. She told me that she knew I had a lot of turmoil in my life. I was told my parents were evil and I was being punished because I did not want to get baptized. Sister Mary told me the same that my parents said. I should open my heart and follow it. I knew what it was like being a Satanist. The abbess does not show the Catholic spirit. "Decide what you believe in and be proud of it."
That was the second time that this was said today. I went back to my room and looked at the Bible on the table. I opened it to a random page and read what it said:
“ Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the land.
Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the clean in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.
Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”
I was astonished. These words were so profound and kind. They were full of hope. Maybe I did not understand what Catholics were. I only could see the example given by people such as the abbess that did not understand her own religion. People such as Sister Mary and Kate understood the message of Jesus.
I fixed the cross on the wall so it was now the way it was supposed to be.
Epilogue
I continued living at Saint Catherine's. Kate was now my best friend. In fact the other children there were my friends. I missed home, but I was also happy. Saint Catherines became like an extended family. I now had a lot of brothers and sisters. I did my best to help the new children that were sent there. It was important that they felt safe, loved and accepted.
The Abbess was moved to another place. Sister Mary complained to her superiors about how bitter and mean she was. This was including how she treated me. Sister Mary became the new abbess and stressed that Saint Catherines was now like one big family. The new abbess continued being one of the most important people in my life. She taught me that life will give us many challenges and these made us stronger. With love and compassion, we could do our best to make our lives and the lives of others much better. She thought we could be an instrument of God. The most important thing sister Mary taught me was to forgive. In time I forgave the judge, the abbess and everyone who tried to persecute me.
My parents bought a small house near Saint Catherines. This meant that I could visit them whenever I wanted. It was not the same as living with them, but it was better than nothing. Kate often accompanied me when I visited my parents. My parents even started considering Kate as their daughter!
The big thing was that Ethan started to visit me. He felt very bad about the way that he treated me. He was told not to be my friend. Ethan was also afraid of what others would think. When I was removed from my family, he missed me so much. Then he stood up to his parents and everyone else and said that he wanted me as a friend. Ethan visited me as much as he could. We also ended up getting married when we were old enough.
I never did get baptized. At the same time, I did not consider myself a Satanist. I studied the Bible and could see how wise and comforting it was. I believed in God, but I also believed in Satan. The important thing for me is that they both influenced my life and what sort of person I was. It was my hope that Satan and God could reconcile. That may never happen, but I could do my bit and try to make the world a better place to live in.
The end
ns 15.158.61.5da2
