穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOTl9xK6BcD
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2c7uk7voeK
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy3XmTtdlMz
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEr0p9FrD7L
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEJfRdgCESQ
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBULeH9Scmg
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYhPqM9qKiW
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1RlG0Ik0ct
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgU5UZqbCDC
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlaEOZHYeJ8
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡneNeq9jMxd
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFq5dIOfgPA
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhRCs1eUD0Q
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3qAAENOWUp
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrCkfHWrhCB
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAW3kHJf4EN
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9vl31YtVZM
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡss7njtav52
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5xFqW4d1rR
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7vBbUNhsIc
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHNqd4OXHU2
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJU7BpWHZWe
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtKYjTXEZTm
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnaLJUL0Brx
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbCFW37REGL
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvrzaOrD3uY
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmw2ifdm5yB
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgEBGG3M52i
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeDyBlcjrbO
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDWoICoIY3B
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW1LkUk54Ns
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVGjJ7bg8C3
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGpxTb41flK
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcF7GgdHUDk
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtr3FeOW8KF
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA9qZBSHkaz
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYBGTRQsemG
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyqNE9gV6Co
「鍾意你。」他說。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTn0sw71Faa
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpnA1lzdyzU
「我都係。」她應。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhmJN3xTKC5
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsKgx3i5k7g
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbZST8nNb2v
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAgGCTlTRD9
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡipHymaYJDp
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeY4LEQdW0m
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDacc4Qle1Z
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDNN2XJVk0i
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpNdP1CJuOP
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP9LVhPF8Cf
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzEbaysRkyx
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEtUuXNMfAa
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrNDUDf7pG4
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnBkPXlnVtF
二人過後做愛、入睡。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtM4NOQgWhd
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQqQsltN07E
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGlEic4EIgv
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXipWFck1C6
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRAvwQ7dsmG
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT2qMHt8Ara
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB4gCsjEWcT
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI8u8sjobOY
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfswfEkAyUc
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQMh0SCNfwT
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ88qtbNtkHz
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6SvFbztaP1
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUC9fCu41L5
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN3KNV2HowB
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO3pbZuOIXr
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6oOJEfbQqa
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcfSyUPyL0O
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmtzHJJzddO
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLZU9fYFleX
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtxgDbUuGdw
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ971BacRwZi
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAHe7JakY4c
她糊糊塗塗。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡifIj0XzzgW
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzMNQCUuFuM
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ05rT3L6OcM
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm0HhoDgsuX
最怕空虛。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlVe1vJxrpD
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIhNxqgKRsJ
/253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWvjFIufiJx
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi0V0hzyiXk
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxmWC8RP9Tf
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfvytwO6Mps
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbICPaEdWEl
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe1Aj1hAYmH
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMqqM7xvTgU
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh3dueZ0VHp
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiycufpLrxb
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmW5h2By4dR
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMWPJew42Va
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡELuImzqHCd
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIivQaafAlZ
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡabBcTYtMF4
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHGCQWb0Ais
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWlMokSJf62
她不過在日常之中夢遊。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9hpG9waP4t
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡImtVstEz9g
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5dFaVzoYVJ
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvfEOLPkfmi
「上年12月開始。」253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3PAMbPZAWO
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrJdUMvr2px
「頻率係？」253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMA65nQscAq
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmzRIIx9XDC
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSJcSsfhKym
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAOtCncR5nl
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3HumeolfQm
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8JaiGxK5iZ
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdeACGJ0XDT
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrkPwC4knmT
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPkT5konKM8
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2FzSER5BEP
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWRWhleSj5X
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7wt4Dwgpui
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwShHI594IA
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLtZuhsb6W4
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnqB5EdLJFJ
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4lRdbOwsfd
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoa2gcrQpAp
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWyDfXcEi1i
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoMpQ0c8CV2
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjIa00k49cY
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1aCI83X4bA
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx2bI5l7961
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaDhKXhMZTZ
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg2kDxdc1oJ
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxHeIY47rMh
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5quUKCesoD
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ53zRTRF7wU
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAKBmOwBiP6
連傾訴都不真誠。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSToP5TM0oM
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqYho45cW3h
不開心又不去死。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUBCIqnQhNq
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3oBHEqZnyu
不去死又不改變。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡITCv54ui6U
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2CtTEEpmVy
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnPVauXmwnH
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrR7CAGSRvj
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1W42Dy6q7k
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7ORYutWqG2
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSWQeblHXIx
253Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIXX8WszQWW
