Time seemed funny to Elise. She couldn't remember being pregnant with their daughter, Kate, in general, but she could remember certain instances. Their first ultrasound and hearing and seeing that little heartbeat on the screen. Danny being over the moon when they found out she was a girl. Rushing to the hospital early in the morning because Kate had decided to make her appearance so quickly. Was that normal?
She could remember the trips they took too. They had traveled all over the place with their family, hoping to ignite a love of nature and sense of wonder in their children as well. The Great Smoky Mountains, the Florida Keys, the White Mountains of New Hampshire, and, two of their most-beloved trips as a family, the Canadian Rockies and Yosemite, amongst many others closer to home.
Life was good and Elise wouldn't have it any other way. A loving husband and three wonderful kids. What more could you ask for? But the bottom dropped out one late September evening.
"Hey, Bruce," Danny answered his phone and walked out of the kitchen. Elise hated when he did this. She wasn't sure exactly why, but it had always rubbed her the wrong way. This time in particular especially set her off.
She knew who Bruce was. It was his commanding officer at the Guard. Shit was hitting the fan with the China situation. More and more rumors sprung up each day about it being the brink of World War III. It was all over the news and the only thing anyone seemed to talk about any more. The pit in her stomach grew. Danny returned to the kitchen a few minutes later.
He sighed heavily and rubbed his hands across his face.
"Don't freak out."
"Don't even fucking say it," Elise pointed at him, immediately on the brink of tears. She hardly ever used the "f" word, but she was instantly livid.
"They're sending my unit out next week," he spoke quietly, looking at his feet.
"God damn it, Danny. I've been begging you to get out for months!" her hands trembled.
"I know. But I have to."
"Why?" she demanded. Elise already knew what he was going to say, they'd had the conversation a thousand times before.
"You know why," he sighed, sitting down at one of the chairs at the table.
"Because of some dumb shit with your dad? He's dead, Danny. We're not. Your kids need you. I need you, god damn it." She was aware of how many curse words she was spouting out and hoped both of the boys were engrossed in their video game in the living room.
"That's not fair, Elise," he looked up at her finally, clearly pissed off by her last comments. Good. She thought. Get as pissed off as I am. She hated feeling petty, but she had bigger things to worry about.
"Neither is leaving me and your children behind," Elise spoke quieter, but it packed just as much of a punch as her yelling had.
"I don't want to do this," Danny threw his hands in the air, standing from the table. He went from mad to resigned in an instant. "I'm going upstairs. I don't want to fight," he spoke as he walked toward the back staircase leading from the other side of the kitchen.
Elise buried her head in her hands and let the tears she had been holding back roll down her cheeks. For the first time in years she wanted a cigarette.
"Mom?" Stephen walked toward her cautiously, concern in his voice. God, he looked like his father. Elise turned her head slightly toward him.
"It's ok, baby. Come here," she motioned to him. She wrapped an arm around his shoulders.
"What's wrong, mom?"
"I'm just mad at daddy. Everything's ok," she shook her head a little. "Sometimes parents get mad at each other, like you and your brother get mad at each other sometimes."
"I know. I'm sorry dad made you mad."
Despite her best efforts, Elise cried harder.
"Me too, buddy. Me too."
Danny came downstairs an hour later, looking like he had just woke up from a nap or had been crying. Elise wasn't sure she cared either way. She was still raging and knew she probably would be for days.
"Where are the kids?" he asked without looking at her.
"In the living room."
She sat at the kitchen table again, making no move to join them. She heard the tv turn off and could hear Danny's voice, but couldn't make out his words. She didn't need to. She knew what was going on. He was telling the kids he was going away.
Elise heard who she assumed was Parker storming up the front stairway a few minutes later, followed by his and Stephen's bedroom door slamming. She couldn't blame the kid. She was pissed too. And, while normally fairly level-headed for an 11 year-old, he seemed to have inherited her temper and was almost as good at holding a grudge as she was.
Next she heard the soft whimperings of Stephen coming from the living room. He was the sensitive one, always had been. He reminded her of she and Danny both in that way. Elise felt torn. Should she go comfort her little mama's boy? Or would he come to her shortly? She waited a few minutes, was just about to get up, when Danny walked him into the kitchen with one arm around his shoulder, the baby occupying his other. She really needed to stop referring to her as "the baby". Kate was a year and a half old already, for God's sake.
"Here you go, buddy," Elise noticed the pained expression on Danny's face as he let go of their son.
"I guess Katie and I will be in the living room if anyone wants to join us," he said off-handed, but she knew it was killing him that both of the boys had basically run off, not wanting to be with him at the moment. He was probably hurt Elise wanted nothing to do with him either.
"That's why you were mad at daddy earlier, isn't it?" Stephen sat next to her at the kitchen table.
"Yes," she tried not to get emotional again.
"I think Parker's mad too. But I don't feel mad. I feel sad."
Elise got the impression that her son, this sweet 9 year-old boy, felt like he should be mad too, that his emotions were wrong.
"Stephen, it's ok to feel sad. It's normal, baby," she stroked his hair.
"Then how come you and Parker are mad and not sad?"
Elise took a deep breath before answering.
"Not everyone deals with...bad news the same way. Everyone is different. And that's ok. Otherwise the world would be a really boring place. Sometimes people's emotions get mixed up. Sometimes people don't deal with sadness very well and they seem mad instead. That's like me and Parker. Sometimes when we get sad we feel angry instead. Kind of silly, huh? That doesn't mean we're not sad too, though, ok?"
Stephen just nodded his head.
"Maybe I should go see if Parker is ok," he offered.
"I wouldn't do that, if I were you. You know how he gets sometimes when he's mad. How about you let me go?"
"Ok, mom."
"You know, dad would love it if you would go hang out with him for awhile before bed. Do you think you can do that?" Elise managed to keep the emotion out of her voice.
"Sure, mom."
"Thanks, buddy. I love you," she tousled his hair as she headed towards the stairs. She was not looking forward to whatever awaited her up there. She and Parker were too similar for their own good sometimes. Elise stopped and took another deep breath before knocking on their sons' bedroom door.
"It's mom. Can I come in?"
"Is it just you?" he called from the other side.
"Yes, Parker." She had been having a hard time not calling him pet names lately like the younger two kids. He had all of a sudden grown up over night and got mad or embarrassed when she called him things like "baby" or "sweetheart". It had been hard, being second nature to her, but she sure as hell didn't want to patronize him now.
He seemed to contemplate whether she was telling the truth or not for a moment.
"Come in."
Relief washed over her. The hardest part was over. At least she thought. Elise opened the door and quietly shut it behind her.
"Hey," she greeted.
"Hey," Parker answered without looking at her, lying on his side on his bed.
"Can I come sit?"
He shrugged one shoulder, but rolled over onto his back, making room for her on the edge of the bed.
Elise could see as soon as she sat down that he was simmering too.
"So..."
"So..."
Elise thought a moment. She had no idea how to handle this. Usually Danny dealt with him when he got out of line since he was more likely to keep his temper under control than she was.
"You're a big boy now, right? You're almost 12, for God's sake," she started.
Her son looked at her puzzled, wondering where she was going with her speech.
"Let's say you and I cut the crap. What do you say?"
Parker stared at her, still trying to figure out what exactly she was getting at.
"Yah, ok," he finally agreed.
"Good. Because whether you like to hear it or not, you and I are a lot alike. That's why we get so frustrated with each other sometimes."
"I know," he said sullenly. God, he was sounding like a teenager too much already.
"You're pissed at your dad, aren't you? For leaving?"
A brief look of shock flashed across his face before nodding. He wasn't used to hearing his mother curse, let alone directly to him.
"Well, I'm not up here to tell you not to be or to get over it. Because I'm pissed too," she admitted. It was weird talking to her son so openly, like a grown up, almost, but it felt right too, at least for this occasion. She felt like it was the best way to get through to him.
"You are?"
"Sure. Didn't you hear me yelling in the kitchen earlier?"
"Yah, a little bit," he shrugged. "It was weirding me out hearing you guys fight, though, so I tuned it out."
"I'm sorry." Elise wanted to reach out and stroke the side of his head so bad, just like when he was little and had a bad dream.
"Mom, I don't want him to go," tears suddenly filled his eyes. She had never seen so much hurt and sadness in her son's eyes. Her heart felt like it was in danger of breaking in two.
"I don't either, sweetheart," her resolve finally broke as he reached out for her. Elise couldn't help but break down too. They sobbed and sobbed for what felt like forever, just holding each other in silence.
"Hey, buddy. Time to get ready for bed," Danny tapped on the door after some time. When Parker didn't answer, Danny poked his head in the door.
"Hey, oh. Sorry," he quickly retreated upon seeing his wife and son having a moment.
"It'll be ok," Elise hugged him tight once more, kissing the side of his head before letting him go.
"What if it's not, though? What if he doesn't come back?" Parker looked in her eyes earnestly.
Damn. Just when she was starting to get her emotions back under control.
"We can't think about 'what ifs?' right now, Parker," was all she could think to say.
"Come on. Go brush your teeth," she started walking toward the door.
"And Parker?"
"Yah, mom?" he sniffled one last time.
"You can come to me to talk about anything any time you want. You know that, right?"
"I know. Thanks, mom."
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