Elise finally broke down for good after the uniformed men left and it was just her and Lorraine. She felt bad afterwards for being such a mess when her mother in-law was likely all messed up inside too, but she couldn't help herself. She hadn't kept in touch much with old friends over the years and her parents, although both still alive and fairly well, still lived over 2 hours away. Lorraine was the closest thing to a friend and confidant she had aside from Danny.
Blessedly, Lorraine had stayed with her until the boys got home from school to share the burden of breaking the news to them. They both acted similarly to how they had reacted when first getting the news of Danny being deployed. Parker ran upstairs to his room. Stephen started crying right away once it really sank in after a few minutes that he would never see his daddy alive again.
The next few days of making funeral arrangements were hell. Since they had his dental records, they didn't actually need her to identify his body as they would normally. Elise still insisted on seeing him at the funeral home before they "fixed him up". The mortician urged her not to. She had yelled at him too. She seemed to be doing that a lot over the past three days.
Danny had been shot in the head above his left eye. The mortician had placed a sheet over the head wound before allowing her to see him, thank God. Danny looked normal. Eerily normal, as if he were just sleeping. Even his mouth hung open a little.
"Can I have a minute alone?" she asked the mortician. "No funny, business. Promise."
The man simply nodded and left the room.
Elise stood silent, staring at him for several minutes. The words that came out of her mouth next surprised even her.
"God damn it, Danny. I told you not to go. But you wouldn't listen to me," her words weren't filled with sorrow or regret as she expected. Instead anger and resentment bubbled up within her.
"You just had to stay in for your father, didn't you? 25 years wasn't long enough? Christ, Danny, that was over half of your life! And for what? To die too soon somewhere halfway across the world. Leaving your wife and kids behind." Elise took a deep breath, hoping to calm down, but it didn't help. She continued on her tirade to her dead husband.
"What are we supposed to do, Danny? How the hell am I supposed to raise three kids by myself, you selfish son of a bitch!" she felt like punching him as tears blurred her vision. This was not how she envisioned this going, but she couldn't stop.
"You weren't supposed to die at 45 years old," Elise choked on the words. She couldn't go on. She felt sick, talking to Danny in such a way. She didn't know what was wrong with her. She hadn't been able to keep her last promise to him after all: She was still mad at him.
Elise felt numb throughout the viewing. She had to to be able to function, to be there for the kids. There was no other way. She turned herself over to auto-pilot, shaking hands with people she had never met, somberly accepting their condolences. Elise hated every minute of it.
The funeral, not surprisingly, was even worse. She and Lorraine had opted for a closed casket ceremony because of the nature of Danny's death. It killed her that their kids wouldn't even see their father in person one last time. She had contemplated letting them see him before the service, privately in the back, but knew little Kate would just wonder why daddy was sleeping and not waking up and Stephen would probably be traumatized as sensitive as he was. Parker was old enough, though.
Elise discreetly took Parker, leaving the other two children with her own mother and father, to see his father one more time before the service. He was old enough that he would need the closure. Elise knew he would resent her the rest of his life if she didn't allow him this opportunity. She knew Danny loved all of their kids equally, but he and Parker had a special bond. They had always been buddies.
She watched as her oldest son walked slowly toward the coffin. Elise could feel his apprehension.
"You don't have to do this, son," she spoke gently, standing near the door to give him some space.
"Yes, I do, mom," he replied without looking back at her.
"I know you do," her voice came out as a whisper. The tough exterior she had put on over the last few days was quickly crumbling. Tears stung her eyes as she watched her son, pausing, trying to work up the nerve before finally stepping in view of his father lying in the casket.
Parker didn't speak. Out loud, anyways. Elise wasn't surprised. He was probably saying things in his head he wished he could tell his dad, not wanting her to overhear. She was surprised by the tenderness in his voice when he said, "I love you, dad," before reluctantly walking away. Elise grabbed their son and hugged him tight, breaking down into the kind of sobbing fit that makes you gasp for air. Once she and Parker had both regained their composure to a degree, she sent him off to find his grandparents, having some unfinished business herself.
"I'm sorry for those things I said the other day. I'm sorry for being so mad. It's only because I love you so much," she started getting choked up again. She decided to stop while she was ahead, kissing her fingers and lightly pressing them against his lips.
Elise cried throughout the entire service. She regretted not doing it at home, alone, sooner. She was a mess, but didn't care as her mother held her on one side, Stephen laying against her other, crying quietly. She didn't really hear anything that was said. Elise had declined to say anything, knowing she would not have been able to keep her emotions in check long enough to speak in front of everyone. Besides, she didn't trust herself with the way she had been acting. What if she suddenly went on a rant in the middle of the damn thing?
Elise's anger came and went still over the passing months, though she mostly felt numb. The world around her seemed to be moving along at it's normal pace, but she felt like molasses. It became increasingly hard to get out of bed in the morning. Had she cut herself off too much? Or did the fortress she had tried to build around her emotions finally crumble so hard that she simply didn't care any more?
Elise found herself drinking more and more. She and Danny still occasionally had a few drinks on the weekends, but she found herself drinking throughout the week. One day turned into two. Two into three a few weeks later. Before she knew it, Elise was drinking on more days of the week that not.
She had tried to go to a grief support group for notary families, but left before it was even halfway over. Too much of the "Your 'insert family member here' died bravely serving his or her country" bullshit all over again. Elise couldn't stand it. She had actually stuck it out at the support group Father Kirklin had told her about, but clearly it wasn't doing much for her. Elise wondered why she still even went, especially the nights she found it hard not to break down ranting and raving. Cursing in a church would probably be frowned upon.
Instead of it being the other way around as it should have been, Elise found herself crying more and more as the months marched on. She tried her damnedest to at least appear strong in front of the kids, but even that facade starting breaking down after awhile. Kate would climb up into her lap and lay her head against her chest and Elise would start bawling. Stephen would come home from school and give her a hug and she would start crying. But nighttime was the worst.
Lying alone in bed each night was enough to get her going. Sometimes, right when she was on the edge of sleep, her brain would play dirty tricks on her, imagining she felt Danny lying next to her or feel him gently brush a piece of hair behind her ear as he always did. It sent her into uncontrollable sobs for hours sometimes, balled up in bed like a baby.
Sometimes the boys would hear her and would come lay in bed with her. She still hadn't decided whether it made her feel better or worse. She would be lying if she said she didn't enjoy having them close to her, warm bodies to fill her bed and keep her company. The fact that she had never asked either one of them warmed her heart beyond measure. But it always made her feel bad in the morning, knowing it shouldn't be her children taking care of her, but the other way around. What was worse were the evenings when the boys didn't hear her and join her. Elise had started a bad habit of sneaking the baby from her own room and putting her in bed with herself. Eventually, she stopped putting Kate to bed in her crib altogether, putting her down in her bed each night.
Elise knew she needed to get her shit together. Deep down she felt like her life was spinning out of her control. But she didn't know where to begin and lacked the energy to make any changes.
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