This is a bad idea and you know it, the little voice of reason in her head, which had grown quieter and quieter lately, piped up. Elise disregarded it and continued running the bath water.
She had drank too much. Wine wasn't cutting it any more, hadn't for months, really. Elise found a forgotten bottle of vodka in the cabinet a few days before and decided to tap into it that night. It hadn't disturbed her nearly as much as it should have that she couldn't remember whether she had bought it and forgotten about it or if it was leftover from "before", as Elise referred to it.
The warm water felt good. She wasn't sure what she was hoping to accomplish, but knew she would just toss and turn in bed despite the heaviness of her eyelids.
Elise absently played with the suds before leaning back and closing her eyes.
Don't be an idiot, Elise. Her conscience reprimanded her.
Fuck off she replied in her head, breaking into a fit of giggles at the absurdity of it.
Her mind wandered for a few minutes after she calmed down. Until a song suddenly popped up that she hadn't heard in years.
Tender is the night
Lying by your side
Tender is the touch
Of someone that you love too much
Tender is the day
The demons go away
Lord I need to find
Someone who can heal my mind
Come on, come on, come on
Get through it
Come on, come on, come on
Love's the greatest thing
Come on, come on, come on
Get through it
Come on, come on, come on
Love's the greatest thing
That we have
I'm waiting for that feeling
I'm waiting for that feeling
Waiting for that feeling to come
Oh my baby
Oh my baby
Oh why
Oh my
Tender is the ghost
The ghost I love the most
Hiding from the sun
Waiting for the night to come
Tender is my heart
I'm screwing up my life
Lord I need to find
Someone who can heal my mind...
Elise had started crying without realizing, so caught up in the lyrics of the song. They hit too close to home. She was amazed she could remember as many of them as she did. She was drunk as a skunk and couldn't remember the last time she had actually listened to the Blur song. She and Danny had heard it on a movie and Elise had become somewhat obsessed with it for awhile. Of all the nights, though, why did she have to remember it now? The earlier merriment the alcohol had tricked her into feeling took a nasty turn.
Elise fell into another one of her crying fits. Tiredness and overwhelming sadness weighed down on her. She was so, so tired of crying. She was tired of going to support groups that didn't help her feel any better. She was tired of trying to pretend she was a strong person. She was tired of going through the motions everyday. She was tired of being sad. She was tired of being.
Elise spied her razor in the corner of her eye.
It would be so easy. Quiet. Relatively quick and painless. A matter of minutes, if you do it right. No more sorrow. No more crying. Who knows. Maybe you'll even get to see Danny wherever you go after you die.
Cries from her bedroom beyond the bathroom door broke Elise from her thoughts. It sounded like Kate had had a nightmare. She quickly hopped out of the tub and wrapped a towel around herself haphazardly as she stumbled into the bedroom.
"What's the matter, sweetheart?" she sat on the bed, cradling her almost 2 1/2 year-old on her lap. Had it really been 9 months already since Danny had died?
Kate finally started to calm down after a few minutes of being rocked and spoken to soothingly, her blue eyes blinking slower and slower in the dim light.
"Sshh. There you go," Elise stroked her hair several more times until she was out for good again. She laid her gently back on the bed before creeping to the bathroom to let the water out of the tub and turn the light off. Elise climbed into bed next to her daughter after throwing on one of Danny's old t-shirts and pair of boxer briefs, as she did on occasion when she knew the boys weren't likely to join her in bed.
Elise pulled the top of the black shirt up to her nose and inhaled deeply. She never washed his old clothes. She knew it was kind of gross, but how else would she hold on to at least his scent?
"You're going to be ok, you know?"
"Danny?" she didn't know whether he was an alcohol-induced illusion or if she had finally gone off the deep end and she didn't care. Seeing him, lying right there in their bed, and hearing his voice was enough...But it tormented her too.
"You can't keep doing this, though. You know that, sweetheart."
Tears filled her eyes. Elise swore she could feel him touch her hair, just like he always did when she got upset. Maybe she was losing her mind.
"You're not really here," she whispered, not wanting to wake Kate up again.
"Does it matter?"
"Yes," she replied indignantly. "Yes, it matters. I can't keep going on without you," she struggled to keep quiet.
"I'm messing everything up. I don't know what to do."
"You just need to go to sleep, baby."
"What?"
"Go to sleep," he continued stroking her hair. "Everything will be better in the morning."
Elise was losing the battle of keeping her eyes open.
"Don't leave," her words were barely audible.
"I'll always be here with you," she felt his hand over her chest.
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