然後，她去替人補習，如常地，五點半到達學生的家。學生是一對姊妹，輪流上課，每人一小時。七點半，她便離開，回家煮個公仔面食。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRseAhkdslo
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185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS1s7VaCSGu
這一年來，林蓁偶然回家睡覺，偶然在外過夜。要說「偶然」，好像並不準確，最近她與周立沖交好，時時留在他宿舍，但有時，她也天天回家，畢竟宿舍不是她的家。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ16FacNhR7v
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmkkQcACWaC
一家五口，她是二妹，也是二家姐，大家姐一早移居國外，弟弟則到外國讀書，家中只得她一個。以前，她忘記過自己有家姐，這幾年，快要連有弟弟也忘記。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPFUWu13qtI
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7ahmIX6Krs
進門，燈火通明，林父在客廳看電視，背靠輪椅。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEa2y1tCYre
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP6wwXsrdqz
「林蓁，攞紙巾過嚟。」185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtEp9KlWdgp
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzVVMXWqeUa
他與那個口中怒吼「你跟我姓㗎！食我嘅住我嘅，我打死你都冇人知！」的父親形象已大大不同，經歷中風，身體羸弱的他一改舊日暴戾，平靜地如一般退休老人。現在，他需要倚靠女兒的照顧。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcw5bO2a6ay
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeeHCGMvvj9
因此，像什麼事都沒有發生過一樣，與女兒「正常共對」。哪怕流露出一點點愧疚，林蓁也會好過一些。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ1pm0r1sPw
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnoWfoLMA7y
她沒有刻意回憶舊事，但還是記得過往——185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuuKlfJWxi3
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPEjM1dSyvi
林父最初，只會打大家姐。大家姐長得高，人又聰明，時時駁嘴。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxyrk80U6qe
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb0RSvYLcuI
他心情不好便會打她。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyjySQL2Zag
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWh2z6cevpS
大家姐多數不吭一聲，直直地瞪著父親，眼睛通紅。父親最討厭她這模樣，知道她現在不說話不求饒，為著平時他說些什麼時冷靜地反駁，他抄起飯桌上的鏡子，往她的膞頭骨打下去。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdm3yIQMqSV
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtBYQA4RdLM
一下一下打下去。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYwhsM1oUsv
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7QT9n0XIbA
「你唔聽話吖嘛？答我呀！我生你養你打死你都無問題呀！」185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxO1U7GQVSC
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu766mJRItM
「我無唔聽話呀！」185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWsVeTLLdnE
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMY1l6PXAqV
「仲講大話！」185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡalqYblxQ6L
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr1hTn3iSPp
他捉住大家姐的頭髮，髮根吃痛，她便用腳爬到父親用力的方向，他更輕鬆地把她的頭按在地上。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNOZMDYUOg2
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBpe1A3KoIA
打人工具不多，或是說沒有特定工具，要麼隨手拿起便敲到身上，要麼單純用手打打打㩒㩒㩒刮刮刮。他那樣即興，像一份浪漫美意。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1TLc1XCm9f
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIKMCTkvUdG
彼時林蓁和弟弟跪坐在房內，隔著一段距離，看爸爸和家姐。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU5jUYSCNVJ
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUaaW717A0d
「你哋兩個唔好似最大嗰件咁壞！如果唔係連你哋都打。」185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBq8ml6lagY
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtXltXSyQ9M
小小林蓁會忍不住哭出聲來。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaVhePO4few
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6kOTUcPHpf
她對父親恐懼，卻又覺得是家姐首先「曳」，所以才被父親打。她會出去，將攤在地上的家姐扶起，說：185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWLZIPEktff
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvEfffo8u9B
「你以後都唔好激嬲阿爸啦。」185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxFxsWuEGHV
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzBn8X5F9Vu
家姐只是拍開林蓁的手：「縮頭烏龜，唔使你可憐。」185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQDowE3Pn1r
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbA9f91BmyC
媽媽回家，見到屋內一片死寂，也沒提什麼，只說：「開飯啦。」185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ433MiWDKHw
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/185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKfI1x9Ezfx
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIgzZUjC9WW
然後，林蓁把紙巾遞給父親，他抽出，用力呻鼻涕。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIwGBBDGqwV
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGgNLJHZINh
她去煮辛辣麵，不再另以碗裝住，就這樣捧著鍋吃，坐在客廳，沒有和父親看一樣的電視內容，只是看電話。新聞新聞，姜濤，譚仔，SASA特價，清潔工權利，腦袋卻無法裝載更多。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjkPI1l6Ego
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw3Ulj9ozJi
快快吃完，她去洗鍋。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSuQNpLkJce
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4P0l31HawZ
林蓁從不會過分霸佔一個空間，即使長期留在一個地方，如家，如周立沖的宿舍，她的物件都沒有幾多。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdyYKVADQv1
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq6OLxMb0If
自小，父親便不喜歡她將玩具放出客廳，有次，她將一個小熊公仔放在沙發上，然後去廁所，出來時，便不見了小熊。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRIHq2RwppW
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnJ5zkUJ57W
「熊仔去咗邊？」185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtGPuGFeVNw
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyRqLBsxylc
「我抌咗。」185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgtpuFUfOXX
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlelK62Ytju
「吓……」她小小聲，馬上到垃圾桶裡撿小熊，只見它對上有一堆橙皮、紙巾、洋蔥。倒是沒有哭，只不斷地用水沖涮小熊，又嗅了嗅，酸臭味仍然不走，加梘液，起泡刷。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUQfoDezkmj
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdUa1vYtEZR
當時她已很怕父親，便不敢說什麼，只環抱小熊，在他面前行過，證明她對小熊不離不棄。從此，她不再將自己的東西，放在「不屬於自己」的地方，譬如客廳、廚房。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRRY2VlwaZu
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡscQ7p5fIcI
她在家霸佔的位置也越來越小，開始覺得多餘。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf1djKGF3sa
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfOBp7Mj17l
此刻，斟了一杯水後，林蓁在父親面前吃藥，他的眼神依然死死盯著電視螢幕。她根本不必避諱。她是幸運的。在避談精神病的城裡，她的親人要麼離開了，要麼對她不管不顧，誰管她的死活呢。一個人的能量有限，她不必花心神在隱藏自己的狀態之上。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjMOC0Nz5NB
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPVuWDcZFWc
和她一屋簷下的血親，甚至不知道她幾歲、唸什麼、將來會返咩工。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0c9sLtOsRC
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvRv9tvNjLB
二人不會說話——反正她不會牽起話頭。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5yAXA2ehly
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsY3gVcs7hY
和他，不知有什麼好講。每個家庭，也是如此麼——恐怕不是，畢竟她羨慕過別人家的融洽和睦。閉上屋門，死氣沉沉，只得腳步聲來來回回拖拉。對於她現在的一切，除了煞有介事地和輔導員講之外，就沒有辦法與人道，慢慢，她的語言能力也枯萎，必要說的事以外，連組織也困難。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaxZaDbKots
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgEImTeKStw
有時，她會怨恨全屋人都走光，家姐一早撇下她，母親死了，細佬又走，得她一個留在家。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWXZFsJxkJC
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvBoP2h9dmg
家姐離開後，父親便找林蓁出氣，依然是拳打腳踢。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVM31eL0kU9
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxrOEqPYzMJ
但，她從來沒有「激嬲」父親。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9jFuDhr0Bm
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/185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdqeOGJtZIL
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhRwk6fuBy3
那時，小小林蓁和家姐陷入一種莫名其妙的冷戰。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW0yXX7byYu
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ5piakXXuS
二人沒有吵架，只是，當林蓁叫家姐不要再惹父親生氣、又故作乖巧地斟水給他喝消消氣後，家姐每次見她，便沒有好臉色。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE46FdjfNAM
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQMlxier2DB
作為二女兒，家庭的中間位置，平凡、不突出、不顯眼；林蓁擁有「希望所有人都喜歡自己」的渴望，否則，誰會關心她呢。家姐更聰明堅強，而弟弟是家中唯一男兒。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCUsGYjmdKY
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDrSIAQhrAB
林蓁總是溫溫和和，不吵不鬧，她一早發現自己不是可以雲淡風輕的天之驕子，也沒有勇氣離經叛道做野孩子，要得到歡心和關注，只能做好自身，微笑對人，得體應答，天真可愛，人蓄無害——她有這樣的天賦。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhuBIW1Hny9
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Hig2ZeChc
她自覺喜歡充當人與人之間的潤滑劑，或者說是，討厭別人對立，每次如此，她不知道應該支持哪方。而且，別人若是熱鬧，又有誰看見只瑟縮的她呢。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAhF8eHYCEn
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcTrXNv8LQd
所以，每次家姐被父親打，林蓁也會看看家姐，問她痛不痛。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmPhBvxdkBc
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0SZ936pOC8
「你匿埋都唔緊要，你同細佬仲細，都無辦法攔到阿爸。但點解要叫我唔好激佢？」家姐說。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4jwL5JUJct
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡshbHwThpG0
「我驚你畀佢打得更加犀利。」林蓁說。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPoDvAycLX4
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNHxZe4IhLQ
「唔係我令到佢打我㗎！係佢自己發神經㗎！」185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmFzi7n1Xem
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvvgyNQDpx1
「咁佢打緊你嗰陣時，向佢求饒，等佢快啲打完啦……」185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXa4dayPd35
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvkaCnpEfY2
「佢又打唔死我，為咗嗰少少快啲打完，求佢？你係我個妹，咁無骨氣？」185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ2JnXJXnu8
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡATnkYISdub
林蓁不知為何，竟然哭了起來。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Erff1UEgC
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuSJRPFZcNb
「你仲喊！又唔係你畀人打！你仲要斟水畀阿爸！喊喊喊，你喊咩呀？」185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH4BUAh74PA
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZRnq1s9IYl
姊妹二人，一連幾日沒有說過話。起初，林蓁還厚著面皮，將自己早餐的面包及腸仔分給家姐（父親罰家姐不準食飯），但被拒絕。後來，林蓁也生氣起來，心想你不理我我也不理你，便不再主動和家姐搭話。二人其實一直也留意對方，回頭時會對視，但只有一秒，都急急移開目光。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmWAFs2XzZK
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgt25YB9ptL
直至父親又打家姐。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbWe5PeYJAv
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlBwuVMgdwm
原因並不特別，就是家姐食飯食得慢，父親生氣，便打她。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZAiO25r0tE
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyw7gIgbnSN
家姐依然沒有說話，雖然流淚但沒有出聲。林蓁依然擁著弟弟瑟縮一角，只是，下一秒，她又想到，家姐生氣可能是因為以前她沒有出來維護家人，於是，她便鼓起勇氣，衝出來：185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMJQksDNo0L
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ390PmLks5q
「阿爸唔好再打啦！家姐知錯啦！」185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6fbkzFHVs3
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB9Fula2c0m
「佢知錯？咁佢唔講？」185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiQiQZjRazy
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ63VXB5dGRr
「家姐真係知錯！」林蓁情不自禁地流淚起來：「你望吓！家姐喊！全面都係眼淚，佢只係唔好意思講咋嘛！」185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuGgqXv5OXP
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfaT68VbYCs
「喊代表知錯咩？佢唔知有悔意喎！」185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiWMR37gjWQ
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ00YmD5h6Fv
「真㗎真㗎！」林蓁撒謊：「上次你話完佢，佢話你講得啱㗎！」185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG5lpCOvs78
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkMU9uBikxt
「我無！」家姐搖頭。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ98jcUvV4IU
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDqLvirl7Mg
「你唔好口硬啦，已經好多傷啦！」185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoQvxtBOrCb
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxvESwHerMp
「既然你哋咁講，今日就算，以後再駁嘴就打。」185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCIaRExuwFA
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMGXFqlhyYd
「多謝阿爸。」185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBiPvINW2hY
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNikLHu3H0H
家姐推了林蓁落地。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEXU6sxQend
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvoE3TT6U2e
「你做咩要咁講啊？做咪屈我啊？」185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOZCIFDmL4l
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlDMDLPuL7U
「我唔想阿爸再打你咋。」185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOy4I3EdHIN
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgBHa0108A3
「你根本唔明，我被佢打係因為曳咩？佢想無啦啦打人咋！咁啱係我。你同佢求饒？以後佢都係會打㗎！同呢啲人講對唔住做咩？」185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ01xGmzweg9
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1UseR3keYg
以往家姐怎樣被父親打，眼睛紅紅，但始終沒有哭出聲來。她在內心與己戰鬥：喊出嚟就輸。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡis23ar66zR
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4DP7YPbPD8
但現在，家姐越說越委屈，竟然哭了。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ78eFCeoqCk
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoX92Ac2MEe
小小林蓁不明白，以為為家姐好。多年後，她才知道，家姐覺得林蓁擅作主張的求饒，是一種背叛。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCkLfYflfl6
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjXHFQO7tcL
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185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsUh5rJTPRd
隨即，她去洗澡，在黑暗中淋浴，覺得一切都很靜，視覺的減退一併萎縮其他感官。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGDQpv7L5bQ
185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJurJijRhKg
不知是否吃了藥的緣故，她比以往快入睡。185Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpeTH60mA4j
