'''Cause with my mid-youth crisis all said and done694Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdara6NB7pS
I need to be youthfully felt 'cause,694Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡemObAP3jsk
God, I never felt young.'' Hozier694Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkwiHKr0R7o
Now694Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHR7jSxnmsK
October hurriedly added numbers on the calendar, days merging and passing in a blur. The rainy days increased, coloring everything around us in dull shade of grey. The golden, pretty face of fall was behind us already. The leaves had already changed from green, golden and red, slowly going towards the black. The air was filled with melancholy akin to the season of fall well into the third week of October, and it would surely stick around until the first snow.
October rains also made me ponder over my aversion towards umbrellas, for today was the third time in this week I came to work drenched.
After the party, Finn began to appear in my days constantly, so a part of me got used to him. He was in my hall, regular in Yellow Submarine, at center table of the university canteen. Fortunately, his classes were different for I was sure he would definitely be by my side as well. Slowly, steadily he was entering my life again, and panic settled in my gut.
Nonetheless, he was always there. Today was no exception.
"Hey there!"
Although mostly infective, the best method I could think of while dealing with the one person that managed to always push my buttons, was ignoring. Using a book as a shield I remained unmoving, seated at the stool by the counter and reading until my shift started. My method seemed fruitful, because for a short span of several minutes not a single provocation was thrown at me by the devil incarnation that sat in the stool on my left.
"Oh, I see. The whole "ignore and he will disappear" charade you convinced yourself is successful in still on."
Breathing in deeply, I decided not to rise to his taunting. Our daily conversation seemed to adopt a routine in which he would talk and I would ignore. Chasing him away was pointless, for he was like a boomerang; he would always come back.
"Wow, I'm impressed. This is the longest you have endured without exchanging normal pleasantries with me. You know, the ones where you kindly advise me on different ways to help the planet by ending my existence."
Groan rose from my throat but I bit it back, not wanting to grant him the satisfaction of seeing me show any kind of reaction. Truthfully, the rain that poured over me today drained off all my strength; physically and emotionally. Bickering with him was not something I would willingly involve myself in this time, so my ignore mode was still on.
That is, until he decided that he had enough of it and pushed away my book, revealing his grinning face.
"Finn," I acknowledged him firmly, granting him with a stiff nod. His crooked smile deepened, revealing single dimple on his right cheek.
"Lexter," said Finn in return. Whenever he used his old nickname for me, something inside me shivered. Memories would flood, images of happy days, laughing and fun; and it affected me, more than I could allow.
"It's Lexi," I protested, though the tired sigh that followed my words deflated some of its effect. Finn noticed - he always noticed - and a frown chased away the trademark smile from his face. I didn't want him to notice, to ask questions and develop theories to why I looked like someone chewed me all night long only to spit me out just in time for work.
"What's wrong?" He asked, a small crease etched in between his eyebrows. "Are you okay?"
Although we talked now almost every day - and by we, I mean he talked and I ignored - asking this much questions about me was a rarity for Finn. Our conversations mostly revolved about him, with just a dash of mutually thrown insults here and there.
"I'm just peachy," I responded begrudgingly, bringing my eyes back on the book in my hands. It was the old, battered copy of The Little Prince and it was the first book I've read as a child. Emotionally connecting with material things was a rarity for me, probably because I didn't have much things to connect with. However, among small number of things I allowed myself to bond with was that book, the same book that was given to me on my fourth birthday.
"Just leave me alone Finn, please."
Sharp intake of breath piqued my attention just enough to flicker my eyes from my book to Finn. With the incredulous look of his face, what with his eyes widespread and mouth gaping, he almost made me laugh.
"Please?" He repeated in shock. For few short seconds he just stared with open mouth at me, until his eyes finally lit up with realization and he snapped his fingers. "Is this the Matrix? Have I crossed some kind of portal to this alternative universe?" Finn raised his hand, slowly and hesitantly, bringing his index finger forward to poke me in my cheek.
My eyes rolled on their own accord, already used to that kind of reaction when dealing with Finn; and a long, tired sigh escaped my mouth as I climbed off the stool.
"Piss off, Finn."
Stuffing the book in my back pocket I made my way towards the kitchen. The sing reading "staff only" would hopefully do its job an keep Finn away, for I needed a few minutes of peace before my shift started. The whiteness of the small kitchen blinded me as I followed my instincts towards the back exit. I greeted John--a middle aged baker with sharp eyes and kind smile -- though my hello was halfhearted. Unfocused.
Pushing the door open, my left hand flew to my pocket and wrestled with a packet of cigarettes and a lighter. Leaning on the wall between an awfully smelling dumpster and the door, I slid down in a crouch and pulled a long smoke in.
Cigarettes and I had a constant love-hate relationship; though I couldn't remember the last time they tricked me into buying them. Since Finn ventured back into my life bringing back old memories in his hands, my semi addiction came along. And I loved and hated it at the same time.
My nerves reacted on the nicotine in instant; remembering, slowly calming down and retreating in their hibernating state. These past few weeks had made me feel so tired, so...old. Twenty years might be the number my physical body classified under, but my soul felt like a hundred and twenty. I thought I was used to it by now, tricked myself into believing that everything would pass, but my resolve was slowly breaking even before that dreadful reunion with Finn.
Closing my eyes, I took another deep breath, pulling the nicotine into my lungs before puffing out what was unmistakably a perfect circle.
"Back to those?"
My eyes reacted to his voice instantly, rolling around. From the peripheral vision I noticed him picking up the pack of my cigarettes and pulling one out. He slowly lit it, and the memories lit in my mind.694Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEjDHxTzHJo
''You smoke,'' he asked. His eyes held this unexplainable weight, though I was far from caring.694Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ZudoivEXz
''No,'' I responded, pulling the smoke in. He fiddled with the pack from the ground, pulling out one cigarette and lighting it. Exhaling, he added,
''Neither do I.''
"Lexi, are you okay?"
Snapped out of reliving unwanted memories, I lifted my eyes to meet his worried ones, exasperation slowly filling my body. I was not a girl of many desires, making dreams were not my thing and I didn't have some irrational requests from anybody. Was is too much wanting to be left alone for few minutes?
"I'm fine Finn." My response was almost inaudible, but he was standing close enough to here its soft echo from the concrete walls. My eyes stayed focused on the cigarette smoke that danced in front of my eyes, twirling and raising up until it disappeared from my sight.
"If you say so," said Finn at last. I heard shuffling of his feet, and in my peripheral vision saw him bringing his hand through the mess of his hair repeatedly. Either Finn really didn't know how to handle this calm version of me or he was nervous about something. He glanced at his phone, than back at me, than at his phone again as if purposely trying to make me ask him what was wrong.
How foolish of him to think I would cave. Silence was my greatest ally most of the times, and it could never get too uncomfortable for me.
"Should I call Miles?" He inquired, and I couldn't help but ask him for the reason. "Lexi, you look...bad. You're pale, the circles around your eyes reach your knees...You look sick."
"Gee, slow down with the compliments Finn." My tone was flat but I did manage to contort my face into a small smile. Or I think I did. Finn ignored my remark and crouched down to my level. His eyes, those all knowing brown eyes, fixated my own in a daring stare. I narrowed them when his hand was lifted and clasped in my forehead. On instinct I pulled back, put out the cigarette and stood up quickly. Too quickly.
My head spun slightly and I leaned on the wall, waiting for the blinding blackness before my eyes to pass. How could black color seem so bright and blinding? Was it a mixture of glaring white cocooned into a ring of black? Or just my mind playing tricks on me?
"You are burning up," Finn commented when my vision cleared and I blinked to find his face frowning. "Go home."
I heaved a sigh, finding that keeping my eyes open was hard. "Look Finn, your concern is appreciated, but unwanted. I need to work, and you need to go back to your friends. If you do want to be of help, however, help me by leaving me alone."
His face hardened with my every word but I was feeling too bad to care about it. Before he was given a chance to respond, I sidestepped him and went in. My backpack was laying on the floor behind the counter, and after little fondling around, it produced me with an Ibuprofen. Popping the pill in, I found my apron, tied it behind my back and started my shift.
***
"Yo kid!" Gus, my boss and at the same time hard core Beatles fan who was desperately struggling to keep up with the "modern hype", appeared from the kitchen entrance. Although I always pointed out how ridiculously lame he sounded, he would always outright refuse and continue. "Pick up your things and go home."
My heart literally stopped beating for a moment and I barely managed to stop the glass I was cleaning from slipping through my shaking fingers. Snapping my eyes up to meet his, I was sure the little color I had on my face was now fully drained.
"If you fire me, I promise you I won't go silently."
My ridiculous boss merely rolled his eyes at me, crossed his arms and leaned on the counter. The Beatles sang softly about a boy name Jude as I waited Gus to elaborate.
"Believe me, I know. I'm not firing you, Lex," Gus reassured and I shrugged as if not affected. The people tirelessly ordered beverages to Tara who handled the cash register, and I would handle every drink without much trouble. After all, Gus - the self proclaimed master of grinding and brewing- had trained me personally back when I first started.
"Then what do you want? I am busy."
"The nerve of you young people," Gus scoffed, rounding up the counter and coming to stand beside me. "I'm going to ignore you this time because I'm cool like that, and you are going to pick up your things and go home. You look like a ghost, Lex, and I don't want anyone claiming I ain't respecting Labor rights.''
I protested, loudly and clearly, but Gus was a stubborn bastard and before I could wrap my foggy head, I found myself being pushed out and door slammed in front of my runny nose. Muttering some profanities to myself, I strapped my backpack on my shoulder and began to walk home.
The rain that followed me to work in the afternoon subsided, semi wild wind dispersed the droplets that still remained everywhere around, carrying a certain amount of cold along. I zipped up my jacket and hugged myself tightly, as I counted the steps towards my dorm. Truthfully, a part of me was deeply grateful to Gus for sending me home, for my body had already started shutting down and eyelids became like iron. It was hard to even breath, the power of the Ibuprofen I had had already withered out and my head began pulsing in pain. The campus was free of the normal crowd, only those unfortunate enough hurriedly trekked the rainy concrete, eager to escape the rain.
However, not even the dull thud of rain, hollow moaning of the wind nor the slow pulsing in my ears managed to drive my attention off of the footsteps that were clearly following me.
Before I could think it through, I turned abruptly making the one that was following me stop in their tracks.
I rolled my eyes tiredly, resuming my journey back home. "I should have known. Stop following me."
"Where did you get the idea that I'm following you?" Finn asked, hurrying up his pace to catch up with me. He was hunched forward, pockets firmly set in the pockets of his jeans. Fighting the wind was vainly, it would sneak up on you, finding the smallest hole in your jacket and began filling your body with cold. "You are aware we live side by side, are you?"
"Sadly."
Even though I wanted to stop and quarrel with him, I couldn't produce bigger reaction than glaring at him sideways. My eyesight became blurry, and what was fifteen minutes walk now stretched into agonizingly long hours.
"What do you want Finn?" I was not sure whether it was due to a cold, rainy day or fever I was coming down with, but my voice came out as a mere whisper. Suddenly my feet stopped moving and I turned towards him, exasperated. "What do you want for me?"
His eyes were trained on me, a mixture of concern and confusion, but there was something in them that I couldn't name. My relationship with Finn these days had no label, we were less than friends and more than acquaintances. Stuck in the middle, unknown ground, Finn was slowly morphing into a mystery. Why was he always around now, no matter how much I pushed him out? Why, when just less than two years ago he was so eager to escape?
"I'm concerned, okay?" He finally said, sighing tiredly and running his hand through his hair.
Finn had the nerves of steel, patience too; however, there was always something in his tone and expression that made me wonder whether the conversation we were leading was to be the last one. Even before, when we had first started hanging out, he seemed like he was always on the verge of giving up, and I had truly wanted him to. For his own good. My teenage years had been something I now labeled as "Dark ages" and I was never a good company then. Except for Miles of course, but he and his family belonged into a different category altogether. However, Finn's words had become fiercer now, his voice steadier.
It was then, as we stood in the rain, that I have understood something he was trying to show me the past weeks. Finn truly grew up.
"It's cold, raining and you look like you're about to pass out any minute. I don't have enough money to buy flowers and visit you in the hospital after you come down with hypothermia."
Words of protest were at the tip of my tongue, words that would break his seemingly unbreakable resolve and make him leave me alone. But, my God I couldn't say them. Perhaps it was the ever growing tiredness that gripped my body, perhaps it was because I didn't want to be alone at that moment; I wasn'tsure, but I just nodded and let him walk me to the dorm.
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