At this point We've spent a year together in one class Without talking about us, I was beginning to wonder... Wonder a lot in the darkness in my bedroom, just staring the celling for hours on the floor, trying to crack the code "UGH does he love me or not? JUST TELL ME, GIVE ME A SIGN!" I waited a long time for something, there were probably signs everywhere every time, but I ignored it, I refused to acknowledge it unless it was big, Which was.. a task that gave me a lot of nothing but paranoia and OCD. I was trying to see something new about him every day, something, anything that could further validate a sign that he likes me, a sign that was big! And I guess I got what I was looking for...
Even though the bullying got a bit tolerable, There were moments that annoyed me, Orla was tolerable, even though her bullying started to be much more physical and annoying but those did not hurt as much, plus I knew if I started complaining nobody would give a damn but nothing was worse than Martina herself, she never actually hit me like Orla did in fact she was worse as time went on, and our headmaster noticed that we haven't gotten along that well...more like at all. So she had that "brilliant" idea that the whole class should change seat partners. In retrospect I'm ninety-nine percent sure the headmaster changed all of our seats just because of Martina and me, She asked the whole class to stand up, She pointed at a student with a mindless face "you! you go there" she pointed to another student "and you, you go to him" this continued until there were a few of us, me and Martina shared a worrying expression towards each other, we knew what was coming, I don't know if she did too but I sensed that this was an elaborate plan to get us to like each other, and all of this was worrying me because at this point I didn't even want to like her, all of her tormenting she did really got under my skin, the best choice was to just take it and shut up about her, but our teacher had to ruin everything. Finally, she pointed towards me "and you Malo, you there." her expression changed suddenly to a much more enthusiastic one, and pointed at Martina "you already know the drill, sit there where he sits" Even though we knew, it still came as a surprise to us, she pointed her heads down, she held her hands and slowly started moving forward to the desk. When she sat she couldn't look at anything else but her hands, and with one sudden move, she covered her face with them and started sobbing. Everyone was silent, I could almost hear my heartbeat, as others have just watched with wide-open eyes at Martina losing her battle against emotions. As I sat next to her, watching her with a surprised face I began to wonder, Why? why does she react with such strong emotions toward me? what is the reason? why does she hate me this badly? I know I'm not the most charming person, or good-looking, or the most kind-hearted person, but I never really saw myself as an evil, no-gooder. Here she is crying her eyes out because she has to sit with me for the rest of the semester, and she acts like I'm gonna harvest her organs and eat them for fun.
So here we were, a great, and a bad student next to each other, Who despises each other. We are total opposites, this won't be a disaster, that's for sure. A couple of days passed and we were annoying each other to the fullest, I could barely focus on the class, normally I couldn't either way but with her, in the picture my experience was much harder. Did she think I couldn't see her? that I was blind? whenever I struggled with mathematics or grammar she always looked over me with a side eye and started smiling. Oh... How many times I've heard her say under her breath "seriously, how dumb are you?" rather than being hurt I quickly got used to it and I rolled my eyes at her, She was rather annoying, but the best advantage I had was that she thought I was scared of her. When it comes to love I am a coward, but when it comes to a fight I was willing to throw myself in the ring, especially if that someone is a person I hate. One day some of us were chatting, and having fun while on a break, me, Griffin, Caleb, Orla, Levin, and who could forget Martina herself, we were actually having a great time, it was clear that we hated each other, everyone knew, and it showed but oh boy, if by some miracle someone didn't know well, they were about to find out because out the blue, just randomly she turned to me from her seat and asked me a question in a sort of teasing matter "You are kind of a wimpy kid, you cry all the time! I bet I could make you cry in under a minute" and without hesitation, she pushed my pencil case on the floor, She expected me to cry, which was funny. I was never ever mean to this girl, all of this was because of a dumb joke I made a very long time ago and she acts like this? how childish can one person get? for a sixth grader? you expect this kind of behavior from ten-year-old kids, oh I was fuming with rage, at that point I was completely done with her, all of my cups were filled up. Everyone was looking at my pencil case as it was falling, and when it did everyone was dead silent for a few seconds, obviously, they wanted to wait for me to show some kind of reaction, probably crying, but rather cry I made a very angry expression, I clutched my hands together and I remember my eye was beginning to twitch, but I realized that I was getting angry so i tried to burry it, I quickly changed up my face, cleared my throat and closed my eyes and took a huge breath. And I started to go ballistic, I started to agressively smash her noteboks onto the floor, her apparent "expensive watch" which was on her desk, I pushed it very violently to the floor, the others in the background, I wasn't minding them at all, for a moment there it felt like I was alone in that classroom, just me wrecking her stuff, I got very lost in the moment, But rather than accepting defeat Martina fought back, she started to do the same thing as I did, wrecking my stuff, She ripped my sketching notebook and threw all of my coloring pencils out the window, She even break some of them into half, This continued until we had no idea what to destroy anymore, I remember at the end I was laughing of how ridiculous we were acting, at that point we didn't even care about our own stuff, we just cared about destroying the other's stuff, as comedic as it sounds, we were very exhausted, we nedded a momet of two to catch our own breaths, and at that moment when everything was over I glanced at my backpack which was on the floor completely empty with several foot markings in it and realized what just happened, We single handledly destroyed each other's stuff and we enjoyed it! I didn't care about my own stuff anymore. This was the very first time I showed who I am and who I will become if someone pushes my self-esteem to the edge. I am not a pushover, If you push me over too many times, you WILL regret it. The next day morning Martina arrived and started to stir the pot once again, annoyingly saying "Well, nicely done! I explained to my parents what happened and how you broke my watch and guess what they had to say, They were very disappointed and angry at you" I was overall very confused because all of this happened because of her, I knew from the start that she lied her way into manipulating her parents into thinking I started the fight, but it just goes to show what happens if you annoy someone to the limit, Because even a shy, reserved kid can release their inner beast inside them, it's not really a question of how, but a question of when. She pushed me every day to this moment, to the end of my limit, and from that moment on I completely stopped her and Orla's reign of terror. I changed and said to myself that I will not let anyone push me around and bully me anymore, If it happens again I will move on from the person.
So... While she complained about me to everyone I gave no attention to the drama, Didn't even acknowledge it at home to my parents. I knew even my parents would be a hopeless cause at supporting me, all they did was complain all the time.
There was this utterly odd kid in my class, at first I wasn't sure If I should be friends with him, Well this feeling never really changed, But... every time I was trying to push him away from me he tried to come back, I accepted the fact that there's nothing I could do about him so I gave in, he seemed to really enjoy my company, And his name was Andras.
We became best friends by the end of the semester, it seemed like he really was the guy who truly got me for a time, We even had sleepovers a bunch of times, but even him.. It was very clear that he and I were not meant to be friends, I don't know if I was just being a jerk thinking like this towards him, I didn't want to feel this way because It always made me hate myself even more, Why do I have to dislike literally anyone that tries to become friends with me? Why do I feel this annoyance whenever I'm around him? For a time he was actually really nice, strange but nice, I never forget the time he bought a bunch of chocolate and sweets and a bottle of alcohol for my birthday, Nobody ever did that to me! although the bottle of alcohol was a very odd choice and a funny choice too, because he smuggled all of these stuff into our school in a birthday bag, he somehow got away with it too. But he became to change and grew distant towards me by the end of our friendship. He began to act smug, and act as if he was better than anyone else, The guy had an obsession with girls, A disgusting one at that. He seemed to have had quite a lot of girlfriends, each week a different one... And guess who was the one who had to hear all of his whinings when someone decided to dumb him? It was rather comedic, In my mind, I wasn't feeling sorry for him at all because I knew that he deserves all of what is coming to him. How can someone act so smug around everyone When he can't even keep a girlfriend for a week? But the real mystery was why did girls ever decide to even date the guy?70Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi8pmQykqt3
But nothing was more shameful when he decided to insult my knowledge... One day we were walking away from school and started to whine to me again but this time it was different, he wasn't whining about how a girl dumped him, He asked why can't I keep a girlfriend? Why is everyone I date just randomly decide to walk out the door?" All of this was very comedic to hear but I tried to be respectful and gave my honest opinion because "that's what friends are for"70Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbHYNjfKdrQ
"Maybe because you don't focus on the bigger picture, you simply don't care about these girls, that is why you can move on so quickly. Because they aren't important to you, and they can see through that." I have said these words to him so harshly, so randomly that not even I expected it. He suddenly stopped walking as I said these words, and as I was looking back at him he pointed his head down, then started to look at me with a sour face. That was the time when I finally realized "oh... he didn't want my opinion, he just wanted me to listen to his never-ending whining" but even then I didn't regret what I said, I was actually glad I could finally say something at all.70Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOpSDuBA9Co
"What do YOU know about love? You never had anyone, you can't possibly know what I'm going through at all"70Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQxxh0tLNjg
What do I know about it? Ironic considering that I knew much more than him, he was going for the looks entirely, I was going for a person I knew for years because I adored each and every part of him. I knew he said this because I accidentally cornered him, This was the first time he felt attacked so he felt the need to attack back with something... Even though it was a pretty poor attempt at saving himself deep down what he said somehow affected me. I clutched my backpack and stared down at my shoes thinking If this conversation could've turned out better...
It's not very pleasant fighting a battle that no one knows you're fighting in your mind, Trying really hard not to hate yourself in the end, but what happens if no one supports you at all?
"How can you be so dumb?"
"You're so useless, at least try to do something with your life"
"Disgusting creature"
"What do you know about love? you never had anyone"
"You're mentally ill, you know that right?"
...
"It's not easy being a genius, I will never be a genius, I never claimed to be the smartest guy alive, If everyone is different and likes to learn different things, is it really that unbelievable that I don't care about learning what others want me to learn? and I'm pretty sure I don't even care about being smart if the price I have to give is having my heart so I could become a jerk to everyone to flaunt how better and smarter I am than them."
"I refuse to believe that I am useless, I always try to do something with my life, that's why I draw, that's why I sing, that's why I still get up in the morning, Life is not a race, I haven't figured out anything, I was just a kid, I don't even know how to talk to a person without feeling anxious. Hell, I can't even tie my shoelace at my age, why do Adults expect kids to be perfect at everything? "
"Right, Everybody thinks that for some reason yet I can't see it. I can't even imagine why someone would project those words onto a child, let alone a teacher who is supposed to be guiding us and teach us about the world."
"Love is not a thing that you can just throw away every day to get a new one as the majority of people seem to think so, Maybe that's why I never had a partner before in my entire teenage years... Or perhaps because society expects gay people to never come out and forever be alone between four walls til the end of their lifetime."
"Maybe Everyone is mentally ill for thinking the way like you. Maybe the people who think I am abnormal should get themselves checked out before commenting such horrible words onto me, I just can't fathom myself saying these horrible things to someone about something I don't get at all"
those were the words that I was thinking to these comments I got regularly from everyone, But... as I tried to convince myself something struck me, As I was thinking in my dark room, while staring at the ceiling, resting my head on my arms... maybe I am delusional, maybe...
"...I am dumb, I admit... let's face the facts, I am not even close to being smarter than the average human, It takes time to figure out basic information, I couldn't even fit my birthdate information in my brain no matter how hard I tried to when I was a child, let alone literally everyone else's."
"...I really am Useless, some days I don't even know why I was even born, to just waste oxygen? just so everyone could look down on me? I mean let's face it...what Am I good at? I can barely draw, my hands were never meant to take on heavy work, I can't contribute anything to society that is beneficial, I am utterly, completely useless, no wonder why people don't want nothing to do with me."
"...They're right. for all the time I tried to convince myself that I am in the right and everyone is in the wrong maybe I should come back to reality and accept that I am Disgusting. my odd behavior, my odd taste, it drives everyone away from me."
"...I am mentally ill, There is something disturbingly wrong with me, why am I feeling these feelings? why am I the only one? Why is no one around me feeling the same things I do? I must be abnormal."
I let out a heavy sigh, got up from my relaxing position and I remember looking over a childhood Photo of myself, A photo of me smiling while petting my childhood dog.
"I am saying these words to that kid in the picture" This is what society has made me do, The reason I am in a constant fight with myself is because of the people around me, the reason why I am crying myself to sleep is because of them, the reason I am thinking of ending all of it regularly is because of them. Heavily questioning if I am normal or not, And this is exactly what they wanted, To Hate myself. Should Ido it? should I end it all If I know I could finally make everyone happy? Is this the answer? Is this my redemption to society?
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