After the carnival, the arrest, and the constant reminder of my sins, laying low indefinitely was the best idea. It had been 3 weeks since I last saw Jax, and one day off the start of the new school term. I was mentally prepared for the torture to ensue from my peers. But even the most amount of preparation couldn’t have protected anyone from the small town I called home.
My alarm had rung, my teeth had been cleaned and my stomach did somersaults.
I was sick with nerves.
I lived relatively close to the run-down school, and as did most of my friends, not that it mattered, they never came to see me.
As usual, the stares, the glares and the sympathy were thrown my way again, with a little bit of apology in-between. Nobody blamed me face to face now, that was some progress?
My teachers didn't seem to acknowledge my presence in the back of each cold, damp cell. My friends clung close to my side, almost like they thought I would break.
I wouldn't break.
I couldn't.
Jax had acted his usual self, sending me swift nods and smiles along the day, when he was out of eyes reach. Each lesson was the same. Sit, write, leave. It was boring, but it was normalcy, and that was what I needed.
School finished a little late, my science teacher rambled on about radiation and global warming. I couldn’t say it wasn't interesting, but at that point nothing did seem to interest me, nothing piqued my attention.
"Hi" I heard his voice linger, as he stood behind me. Some days I wondered if he ever got bored of the same life day in day out.
"Can you sit with me?" I turned to face Jax. He sighed quietly before sitting down next to me. He lightly put his head on my chest, as if he applied anymore pressure, I would break.
I didn’t blame him for thinking that. I felt broken too. I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt so hopeless.
Jax, I could see, had been trying to plaster a brave face on for me. Yet, I could see right through his mask. I never spoke of it, but I knew that he knew I saw straight through him, we had been through too much together.
"How was your day?" I laughed lightly. How was my day?
"Normal, yours?" He sent me a little nod, the air was awkward after that, it had never been awkward before.
"I am sorry, you know that don't you?"
"Yes. Nobody else seems to be though" His eyes darkened.
"They're wrong. You should be left alone to grieve in peace" I stayed quiet, a regular occurrence for me.
"What's wrong?" He asked sympathetically.
“if you don’t tell me what’s wrong, I can’t help you.” Jax spoke again.
“It’s nothing.”
Jax sighed heavily, brushing a tear away from my face. “It doesn’t look like nothing.”
“I said it’s nothing!” My voice was bitter, harsh, cold.
“You wouldn’t even understand. You never understand!”
I think said he something else, but I couldn't hear him. Everything had zoned out, including the loud beating of my heart. The hurricane inside had taken over. It had immobilised me. It was slowly killing me.
From inside, out.
I felt his hands grasp my shoulders, softly shaking me, trying to revive me. Every part of me wanted to die, every cell in my body wanted to give up my fight.
It would be numb there, peaceful.
I was re-positioned, my head in the crook of his neck, his secure arms wrapped around me like a vine.
"You're okay"
"I'm here"
"I'm here for you."
I heard Jax's soothing voice in my ear, slowly calming me down. I don't know what happened to me that day, but I knew Jax did. After that day he was a lot gentler with me, treating me like I might just shatter if he applied a little too much pressure.
"I want to help you; how can I help you?" He asked me, a little too softly.
I shrugged my shoulders, afraid that if I opened my mouth to talk, I wouldn’t be able to hold back my utter despair. His warm hand rubbed small circles on my back, and my head was rested on his shoulder.
"I will always be here to support you" He murmured. A rush of anger swept over me.
His support would always be confidential.
I held back my rage, the stupid rage that had always bubbled from nowhere.
Something told me he didn’t like me.
But I always wondered if he ever had.
Was there ever a point in time where he thought of us together? Where could he even consider feeling the way I used to?
Even just for a second?
Was he happy talking to me, just for a short, half second?
Was there ever a time where he liked me the same I way I did like him?
I went home that night feeling not much at all. I knew Jax did all he could to help me in private, but when would he show his aid in front of many prying eyes? I wanted to ask him about it, about why he was ashamed to be seen with me. But I didn't, I understood, you have to understand how much I understood.
Maybe that hurt me, maybe it didn't.
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