A few years have passed since I lost my person. Her name was Alycia. I was utterly consumed with her being. Her laugh, her smile, her face, just her. Just her and I. She was my favourite person. Nobody else compared to her, nobody came close to her. Our love was that of fairy tales, I liked to think. I'm sure she would've agreed with me, I hoped she would've. The circumstances of our love were complicated, but our feelings were not. I loved her with my whole soul, I would've done anything for her.
Losing her was the hardest thing I had ever endured.
It was the middle of July. Prime house party season. Devastating car crash. I still remember it so vividly, the blood, the buzz of alcohol in my system, the adrenaline rush. I remember when the car skidded off the road, when I felt her cold hand grip mine, almost telling me that we were going to be okay. I remember hearing everyone's screams, I remember the pain, the fear, the heat. I didn't like to talk or think about it, but I remember everything, I remember when the car finally stopped and I looked at her, at our intertwined hands.
Her life slipped from mine.
Her blood was wrapped around me.
After the crash, I still felt her around. I could still see her in our places, the kissing alley, the run-down park, and the corner shop. Her presence comforted me. I felt at ease when I saw her, like when she would walk me home from school or let me ramble on about how much I hated my life. She was always a good pick me up, always brightening my mood after a long, hard day.
"I will wait for you."
People began to find out shortly after she started appearing. I don't remember much, I just remember seeing her everywhere, telling me to do things, which I did, for her. She talked to me a lot. It kept me sane, kept my demons at bay. But I lost a few months of my life, and I can't seem to get it back...
"You're going to be okay" That's what I heard many times a day in the hospital. I was never told what was wrong with me.
"You'll be okay" Every day. For many weeks.
"I'm still here for you" That voice, that all so familiar is what got me through.
"I will wait for you" I basked in that voice; it was enough to keep my shattered heart beating.
Deep, deep, deep down I knew she had actually died, I saw the body, the wreck. I knew she wasn't here. But I didn't like to face that, I liked to think she was with me, keeping me going. I wanted to believe that she was still with me, still guiding me through my tough patches. Her voice, her face, made me cling onto that hope that I grabbed with all of my strength. What nobody understood is that she knew something about me, the part of myself I hated the most. She knew, and she still loved me. For that, I felt like I owed her something, a part of me, a part of me to live on in. You don't know what it's like to find your love and to lose her.
Alycia.
Alycia.
Alycia.
After the accident, I was left in the hospital for a few weeks, to recover mentally and physically. I wasn't allowed to see anyone else who was in the car. The driver had been arrested due to his alcohol levels and everyone else was questioned for hours. I answered every question, so I could see her. I hadn't been told what had happened. They said complications from head trauma, but I didn't believe that, she had to be fine.
I was allowed to see her body a few days after I had been told the news. I had kicked and screamed, they gave in and let me say goodbye.
Pale.
Cold.
It couldn't have been her; she always had the nicest, softest skin. Her flowing hair was always so shiny, it now was dull. It didn't look like her anymore, and I didn't feel like me anymore. Her body was sprawled across the cold, metal slab. As soon as I saw her, I felt sick to my stomach, the pit settling in once again. I couldn't shake that pit for a while, and I never truly knew why.
Her funeral was dull. It didn't suit who she was. The swarm of black, the boring music. My speech fit right in, boring, uneventful, and dull. If I'm being honest, my speech didn't feel like I wrote it, as most of my feelings and emotions for the dead girl had to be held back, leaving a blank slab for me to work on.
"She was a bright soul."
"She picked me up when I was feeling lost."
"I will remember her for the rest of time."
I should've added more into it.
I'm sorry.
Her family never spoke to me again; they acted like I never existed. I was close to her parents before the accident, they were like my second family. My family acted like she never existed, they never spoke her name, or acknowledged what we had. It broke my heart more than I cared to admit. I should've spoken out more.
I'm sorry.
You deserved better.
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