Love.
How did I feel about love after her in comparison to before her?
Few had come and gone before I met her, but after her was a huge, heavy blank. Nobody else was like her, and I was content with that. I accepted that there was nobody else for me, but I still didn't have it in me to move on.
I wished I could see her again.
I wished a lot of things when I was younger.
There was one day, one redeemable day out of many painful ones, that made my whole fight worth the world.
Tuesday night, walking home.
Home wasn't home for me anymore; it was just a house with windows and doors. Never home. Was it ever home to me? Usually after class, detours around the tiny, tiring town seemed much more appealing than sitting in the house, feeling sorry for myself.
I passed many old, prime spots on my wander, taking a longer, much quieter route than usual. I passed the run-down corner shop, the one that used to sell us alcohol.
Good memories.
I passed the river, the one where Jax and I occasionally met up, where Alycia and I would sit and talk for hours on end.
Good memories.
I passed the infamous kissing alley, where I shared my first kiss and exchanged "I love you’s."
"We should call this place something, like our something."
"Oh really? What do you suggest?"
"The kissing alley" I laughed.
Bad memories.
Sad memories.
I tried not to dwell on the past too much, at least not anymore, but back then it was all that used to fill my brain. It was painful.
But I was used to it.
"I need to tell you something."
"What?" I felt concerned.
"I-I love you" I beamed; my cheeks hurt due to my wide grin.
"I need to tell you something too, Alycia."
"I love you also, I will always love you. Until I take my very last breath"
The memories made me smile, my eyes pricking with tears. I couldn't tear my eyes off the place we first kissed, it drew me in. Even when I felt another soul behind me, observing me, I couldn't find it in me to look away and move on. The moment I left that alley, the minute I stepped away from the person I used to be, the person I used to long for, would be the minute that I had to say a final goodbye. I would have to disconnect myself from her, and the version of her I kept alive. I would have to find another purpose in life.
I was a born lover.
I was never meant to fight this hard to survive.
I knew I had to, eventually, but in that one moment I felt calm, I felt her arms holding me together, leading me to the light. Even as my sobs took all of my breath away, and my face was drowned with the hurricane, she was there. I glanced around the alley before me, saying a silent goodbye, a final farewell.
"Are you just going to stand there?" I heard a voice flooding over my dying body.
"Are you listening to me?" The woman's voice seemed soft, it seemed to flow like honey. It was the cure to my illnesses, the antidote to my pain.
Tearing my eyes from the memory filled alley, my blurry vision landed on something that looked so familiar. I couldn't place my finger on what part of this figure triggered my memories. I couldn't see their face, only their silhouette in the orange, setting sun.
They walked forward.
It couldn't be.
It wasn't real.
"You're not real" I heard her laugh, that laugh that I had longed to hear. I had spent hours at night preserving that laugh in my brain, it was almost etched at the front of it.
There she was standing in front of me after so much time apart.
Ethereal.
I had realized that I had forgotten the precise brown of her eyes, and the depth of her laugh. I had forgotten how soft and soothing her voice was. Yet, I had not forgotten how much I loved her.
I didn't care if it was actually her, or just my mind playing tricks on me. But her arms wrapped around my waist and my fingers combing through her hair was the realest thing I had ever felt. I wasn't going to ruin it, because right there surrounded by all of the flowers, I had never felt happier. Never felt more serene.
She was here.
She was peace.
I was home.
ns 15.158.61.8da2
