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我十八歲嗰年離家出走。走得好急，無詳細計劃過之後會點。唔理喇！我下定決心絕對唔會食回頭草！我想盡辦法賺錢，除咗正職，仲有做幾份兼職。捱到成個人殘晒，瘦到似個初中生。收留我嘅朋友驚我隨時暴斃。我笑笑口同佢講：「我唔驚死，我最驚係唔知為乜而死。」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeM6GGECLrJ
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnaJkCNC45l
有時夜深人靜，我屈喺張床瞓唔著，碌嚟碌去，好自然會諗自己做咁多嘢係為乜。我一直只係知道自己「唔想要乜」，無確實知道自己「想要乜」。斷斷續續諗咗好多晚，最後諗起以前一直想做作家。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpplYabZ8cY
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡONWa6S4XP7
我由中一開始鍾意寫小說。當年唔係家家戶戶有電腦，網絡小說唔盛行，我只可以投稿去報紙雜誌或者參加比賽。直至臨近會考，為咗專心溫書而「暫時」停寫小說。點知考完之後又走去做暑期工，做完暑期工又要四圍撲學校……搞下搞下，我無再寫小說。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb7v3I83Rsm
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBmswwAmwEb
寫小說係我嘅夢想？我唔肯定，但係我開始再次寫小說。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Mq7MNPW8j
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMvtWQrOhyM
我份人好現實，唔會投放好多時間寫小說。只得忙裡偷閒，返工時候偷偷哋隨手攞張紙嚟寫（用手提電話寫小說太張揚）。每次寫幾句，幾句幾句加埋就係一篇小說，所以我寫嘅小說大部份都係短篇。雖然我本身對長篇有情意結，不過而家都唔錯——有得寫已經好開心。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW6xypVG7ac
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhdQhaF2Lbv
兩年半之後，終於夠錢租屋，唔使再打攪朋友。臨搬走嗰晚，朋友問我之後有乜打算。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡajVwFehHuy
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWIuh66cOgn
「而家日做夜做，我身體好易捱唔住。長遠嚟講，我一定要搵份高人工嘅正職，唔再做兼職。」我自細成日病，離開屋企無疑係搵命博。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9iWLKZkjEE
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpSSSZnK0T7
「你學歷唔高喎！」朋友即刻諗到重點。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBrd0OiEuHn
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYIvLUUwTFE
「我知。一早有準備！」我講述鋪排咗兩年嘅計劃：「兩年前，我去學AutoCAD，而家做繪圖員，下一步係應徵做室內設計師。」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiqil83bwZc
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2V87I3QgYq
「識畫圖等如識設計？」朋友唔係好明。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOnepCXOiyD
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhD8NzKE3Ac
「唔係。」我簡單講下呢兩年嘅大發現：「重點係做設計師唔使考牌。只要有基本相關知識，加上有膽量、有口才，氹到客人落單，其餘嘅可以邊做邊學。」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQpR1p0JeB9
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLWlMN7M3pk
「真係？」朋友唔相信可以咁簡單。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTcLnPjzQNH
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNWSmQypcio
「真係。」其實我都認為未必可以咁順利，不過點都要放手一博。
今日去見工。換好衫，化好妝，照鏡。我就快二十一歲，鏡中人睇落似三十一歲，老、殘、瘦、乾，根本唔係一個廿歲嘅年青人。無計——我點都唔會返轉頭，唔返轉頭嘅代價就係不停向前走，唔可以停。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFBLoZYbgWn
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5BZx0juNsB
見工過程順利，老闆即場決定請我。雖然被壓價在所難免，好彩最後價錢尚算合理。做咗幾日之後，老闆講起點解請我：因為我個樣夠老，睇落成熟，客人會比較放心。我表面假笑，個心就喺度講粗口。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9awz1R7IHl
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXF0axDz0ZM
眨下眼又過咗四年幾，我將近二十五歲。我知道自己喺呢間公司大限將至：老闆為咗唔使畀「長期服務金」，所以公司內無一個員工可以過到五年。無所謂，東家唔打打西家！195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ICpM4X9XD
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn2vSquXTZC
點諗到返新工半年之後撞啱經濟不景，公司無乜生意，一次炒幾個人，包括我。我又再搵工。好多公司以「經濟不景」為由乘機大幅壓價。我理解，但係接受唔到！195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvquJFQoVPf
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfW5ZFvd0ZG
嬲。嬲到兩日無搵工，當係俾自己休息下。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYAHR5Ek8AR
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi7uKNRbvNs
嬲完之後，又死死地氣搵工，同時搵細屋搬。比起住得唔舒服，我更加怕四圍問人借錢。嗰種感覺好慘，好似擘開個好痛嘅傷口任人睇，而且對方睇完之後唔單止未必幫我，仲會畀面色我睇。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡylz1lY3GNL
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDiwDfxt2zm
我喺唐樓租咗間劏房。開頭幾日好唔習慣，硬係覺得自己嘅地頭多咗好多閒雜人（即係其他劏房租客）。有幾個租客成日嗌交，嗌到好激烈，喊打喊殺。雖然最終無特別事發生過，不過我次次都好驚。一個月之後，我勉強算係習慣咗新嘅生活環境。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzF5Inka1yp
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHv4T5MCJ8L
凌晨時分，馬路無車，大街無人，租客又瞓晒，四圍好靜。突然聽到有狗吠聲。我開窗望下隻狗喺邊。望下望下，我喊咗——點解我喺度望狗㗎？我唔係應該寫緊小說咩？195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk7STAeXZYN
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAbfNsVfEYy
我已經好耐無寫小說。因為攰，因為心情差，因為忙，然後不知不覺無寫小說。而家呢？我呢一刻有番寫小說嗰種感覺喇，但係我無攞起紙筆，亦無拎起個電話，因為我驚開燈，又驚要叉電——電費好貴！195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFz1hRF3vm5
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfxCJrIU2SP
我做咁多嘢係為乜？而家竟然連燈都唔敢開！195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLkN7Z4cmr6
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgWivGi0rF6
我盡力唔喊出聲，不過最後依然嘈醒晒其他租客。粗口橫飛，我嘅祖宗十八代同阿媽無一倖免。無幾耐之後，粗口突然停晒。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDlNajEfuXN
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZuMxysGdZ2
「樓下火燭呀！」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ90s37FgLim
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeGKehp2QXy
太突然喇！我呆住，以為自己發緊夢，直至房門出面越嚟越嘈，我清楚聽到其他租客嘅腳步聲、呼救聲、雜物碰撞聲……我呢個時候終於相信自己唔係發夢，而係真係咁黑仔，真係遇著火燭！下意識即刻擸起手袋，跟住其他租客衝去後樓梯。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO4X4th53jF
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPWsnI6ADH8
我今日見工用過呢個手袋，入面有齊履歷表、證書。至於手袋入面係咪有齊逃生三寶（濕毛巾、鎖匙、手提電話），我唔知，亦唔想理。我關心係咪搵到工多過係咪保得住條命！我驚搵唔到工多過無咗條命！195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2AQUMRMOxC
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdqoucVuF6c
好彩後樓梯無乜雜物，我好快落到樓下，跟住消防員指示去到安全地方。遠遠望到自己間房嘅窗口冒出濃煙，然後見到火舌慢慢由室內燒到出外牆。我個腦突然空白晒，第一次感受到咩叫「一無所有」——連情緒都無埋。過咗半個鐘，火勢越嚟越大，升做三級火，估計有排救唔熄。我跟其他租客去臨時庇護中心過夜。
肚好餓，地好硬，冷氣好凍，所有災民個身都好臭。我覺得好討厭，但係我接受——銀包漏咗喺單位入面，而家我無錢、無提款咭喺身；如果唔接受，我就要搲爛塊面問人借宿借錢。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeGfswDVj0p
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡafXtXZBwe2
唔好諗，快啲瞓！195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5CovLAyaW4
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuwkEFgR2jj
最衰個腦唔聽使，不停諗將來會係點，搞到完全瞓唔著。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5nuW33pPK4
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0dg19IdMe7
唔好講咩難受唔難受、尊嚴唔尊嚴，嗰啲全部係後話——生存到先再講。即使今晚唔問，遲早都係要問。喺補領到提款咭之前，點都要借錢租屋住或者買衫去見工。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Dxk8H7Ry8
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC6wncDWECF
即刻問！195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOFTELI1QVK
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMahZBzUILF
撇除已婚人士同男性，其餘喺我手提電話通訊錄嘅人都收到我嘅message。由於係半夜，好多人瞓咗，回覆我嘅只有小貓三四隻，而且係算唔上朋友嗰幾個。佢哋八卦幾句之後，通通已讀不回。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjguGMf96bL
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7nN7sZKbua
唯獨是有一個叫做「阿敏」嘅人問得比較詳細，似乎真係有心幫我。其實我完全唔記得邊個係阿敏。唔緊要，佢肯幫我就得。傾咗一陣之後，阿敏終於露出真面目：「我租間房俾你，每月租金三千蚊，包管理費、差餉，水電煤實報實銷。」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVNQnA2OFA9
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6HDVytJ8dP
我覺得幾抵，又安全過住劏房，於是立即應承。阿敏話自己住喺臨庇護中心附近，可以即刻嚟接我。我孭住個袋，企喺庇護中心門口等阿敏。佢話會著白色衛衣加灰色長褲過嚟。我四圍望，希望可以盡早見到佢個樣，記起佢係邊個，相認時就無咁尷尬。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL3EgLrmUPB
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH27gDntTv5
等咗一陣，見到一個著白色衛衣、灰色長褲嘅身影行過嚟。咦？個身形有啲似男人，應該唔係阿敏。我繼續四圍望，點知頭先個身影行到我身邊停低：「張小姐！」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxsRvMol3C3
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7WT7qSjQZT
「阿……阿敏？」我好驚訝——阿敏係個男人？哎呀！我竟然見到個「敏」字就直覺認定對方係女人！195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9vadOJllhc
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFY1CFjMq6c
「係呀！你唔認得我？」阿敏一眼睇穿我諗咩。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFWOApRu3Rm
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzP1TsJn1iG
「認得，你係幾年前幫我搵屋個地產經紀。」我扮鎮定。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpRYoOyvNJR
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDTAhiMhmvS
「行啦！」阿敏好細心，主動幫我攞袋。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY8bkmeTTOM
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtzXkU9QB4x
「唔該……」理智叫我即刻拒絕，亂咁跟男人返屋企好危險。不過我又無其他辦法，唯有博一博。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLIdMQ2U34X
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPYF0GYBrma
十五分鐘後，我已經喺阿敏屋企。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtZsDSVIFp0
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvIbVZ6cEDV
「我細妹搬咗，唔會返嚟。」阿敏望住租俾我間房，個樣好唏噓。「你放心喺度住啦！」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgLisZP7SNm
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGQx1EKiwfQ
我沖涼之後食咗兩個杯麵，好飽肚、好暖、好舒服。但係我偏偏瞓唔著，個腦好多嘢諗。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡshKnTy86Nx
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDaCBJOwrEY
諗乜嘢？195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDcP6xddtWA
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSNoX9qfhCl
我要寫小說！我要寫小說！我要寫小說！195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4gfRLpffuw
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKtMcoMkreI
我攞部電話出嚟，寫寫寫寫寫，諗到乜就寫乜。即使上文唔接下理，即使執筆忘字，即使劇情老土到爛，我唔理！繼續寫寫寫寫寫，直到電話同個人都無電為止。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbIfBBddDwA
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyJ7cXvBh0v
呢晚係我有生以嚟最折墮嘅一晚，亦係咁多年以嚟瞓得最好嘅一晚。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJKG94BWzUW
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl4MSr6M6W5
一星期後，我成功補領到提款咭，唔需要問人借錢。阿敏亦無叫我走，繼續俾我喺度住。原來阿敏已經大半年無做嘢，亦無諗住搵工，所以我成為咗佢唯一收入來源。阿敏對我好客氣，家頭細務全部由佢一個人搞掂。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM6Z8ng2UH5
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD8pECIMPMq
生活順利平凡到單調乏味，好彩我唔再求啲乜，除咗寫小說。我特登搵份工作量唔多嘅工，有時間偷偷哋喺公司寫小說，放工之後亦有精神繼續寫小說。我喺小說網開咗個account上載小說。雖然讀者反應麻麻，但係我好開心、好滿足。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuVOGc2mi0Q
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡunW0TeIxoJ
呢種平凡嘅美好生活維持咗三年。直到我識咗小花……
「小花」係個有好多fans嘅網絡作家，我一路有追佢啲小說。睇番記錄，佢寫咗只係半年就已經有好多fans。難怪嘅，佢真係寫得好睇！不過，點解小花會send message畀我？195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUTCvgWM4Np
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2MdyLM0BzO
「你寫嘅小說好好睇！我好鍾意！」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3bCvMoi8Id
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD8egBbn3ez
哇！小花讚我呀！195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq6lxPnlM3m
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡELlr0mS74m
我好想問佢對我啲小說有咩感想，但係我唔敢問。我啲靈感好多時候來自親身經歷，「問佢對我嘅小說有咩感想」變相等於「問佢對我嘅人生有咩感想」。我怕承受唔起，亦擔心佢會越挖越深，唔小心踩中我嘅痛處。無謂自討苦吃。我將注意力再次集中喺小花身上，講下對佢啲作品有咩感想、最鍾意邊個角色、有咩情節令我好深刻……195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTSwhLopJis
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWPyJbYgTNy
我哋越傾越開心。佢講咗好多創作時候遇到嘅困難同心路歷程。我好佩服小花，原來佢背後承受咁多壓力！講下講下，佢仲話個秘密我知！195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzL6LINqgLb
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnTLiBmFiZI
「有出版社睇中我個小說，計劃幫我出書！」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡecQZav0vig
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA2N3xGFRTu
「恭喜小花！我要做你『天字第一號fans』！你要加油呀！」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpDwMjD9J7g
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGs7zEfkRn7
我衷心支持小花。我好開心、好感動，忍唔住眼濕濕。傻瓜！做乜眼濕濕？而家係小花有機會做作家，唔係我呀！195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡblsA6AABgy
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQpTpoSqiVe
「多謝！你呢？有無諗過出書？」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZMcXSoD55F
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡebmGamSGs4
「唔敢諗。我自問無呢個能力。」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡewl0EuYniO
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtnSuzn6ZK0
「我真心覺得你寫得好睇喎！」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUngEMTbrv4
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoj6RUr9tZA
我本來只係眼濕濕，見到呢句之後直頭喊出嚟。如果有機會，我梗係想出書啦！不過我真心覺得自己寫得普通，未去到可以出書嘅級數。我寧願一世出唔到書，亦唔願意拉低「作家」呢個名銜。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkjRmLaH6Jv
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb5HOnAJFHO
「世界好現實。小說寫得好唔好，可以由數據反映出嚟。你睇下我啲點擊率——咁少！」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡunF5nET5Rl
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgpCtTF0oPo
「或者你試下寫長篇。好多讀者追開有條癮，追追下小說就會變成追個作者本人。」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqbO3plWNrQ
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDkYuNdTZki
「長篇唔係我強項……」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5QMGH6JwTU
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIlqCSWgSwF
「你試過寫長篇未？」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr3iDXJIMu9
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdmTiFk02Da
「中學嗰陣試過，不過無寫完。跟住無試過……」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5E2ypFMqD0
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIgQnIBTWLA
「中學時做唔到，唔代表而家做唔到！」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNHmM8aUghZ
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoB9tDWRuZn
短短傾咗一陣，小花竟然三番四次講中我心事，搞到我心郁郁，隻手痕痕哋。當晚，我開始寫人生中第二篇長篇小說。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbJDUXbEUIm
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAmA6CIGEZU
因為寫得太投入，我返工時、放工之後都係寫長篇，不知不覺荒廢咗短篇，好多日無喺小說網上載小說。可惜寫小說嘅過程好似人生咁，唔係努力就代表一定得，甚至乎寫寫下會突然唔知應該點樣繼續落去。即使預先準備晒故事大綱、人物設定、資料搜集，萬事俱備，點知偏偏係欠東風，靈感話無就無。勉強跟住大綱去寫，只會寫到「形」，寫唔到「髓」。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5M3Ueu4aB7
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh7IhmIhDND
我而家正正係遇到呢種情況，好耐都回復唔到。衰乜嘢？一定係我唔夠料！如果係有料，我一早處理咗呢個情況，點會拖咁耐？安份守己寫下短篇咪好囉，做咩要寫長篇？面係人哋畀，架係自己丟，趁未有其他人發現，不如而家放棄……我好難過，連短篇都無心機寫。唯一好彩嘅係現實生活中無人知道我放棄咗。
無寫小說之後，我啲時間鬆動好多。放工之後去行街買嘢，星期六、日瘋狂煲劇或者做家務。生活多咗好多內容，但係呢啲內容又好似無乜意思。人生變到好無聊，返番去嗰個「唔知為乜」嘅狀態。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2zk9wu3NPS
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr14a4kugYG
不如發展其他興趣。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZXxtOWFAgP
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnUMG2v9WKU
我叫阿敏教我打機。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3J6aKw67k7
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSb0bK55X6X
「打機？你唔係鍾意寫小說咩？」阿敏打機好叻，可以一心二用，一路打，一路同我傾偈。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaQQSlouxZJ
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYWkKbQVgFn
「我唔寫喇……我寫得唔好……」我越講越細聲，好似做咗虧心事噉。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmx1YyM4ozh
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxjDh9VD3GM
「寫得唔好？好睇到我晚晚上網睇你更新咗未。」頭先我啱啱入房嘅時候，阿敏就嚟打嬴，而家佢連續幾次走錯位，俾敵人殺咗，明顯個心亂晒。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwcUe6fdZ0t
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXCn3KqCkiE
「你知道我用邊個小說網？」我無諗過阿敏會知道。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGa2hNKSIjX
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0t07JwgnYj
「你自己講嘅！嗰日你喺小說網開account，好開心噉話我知你要去追夢。」聽到阿敏噉講，我即刻記起當時自己係幾有決心，亦意識到自己而家係幾咁失敗。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGfPYdCDEiC
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNQVUyJloBu
「估唔到你會記得……」我醜到唔知講咩好，唯有走人：「我返出去先……」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxd3mIxJbrO
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSGHLmMdlyj
「我從來無見過有大人可以笑得咁開心，笑到成個細路噉。」阿敏望住個mon笑得好溫柔。「我睇得出你真係鍾意寫小說。」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCXMqutm5uZ
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgtPHq81NQ8
「我中學嗰陣已經好鍾意寫小說，不過文筆差，劇情老土……」我諗番起以前嗰種好單純嘅開心。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRR80IhztT0
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMkiD3Fn5dd
「自己開心咪得囉！」阿敏回復狀態，再次反殺敵人。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSOeO4hIDu7
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1YgNk8IrN9
「我而家心情好返晒！多謝你！」我衷心多謝眼前呢個好鍾意打機嘅廢青。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg31Jc8SHfc
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzLWHxgZ47Q
「今晚你煮飯。」阿敏突然奸笑。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyWvFWZsIZO
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHKqDCZp9FQ
「好呀！」我無拒絕，照單全收。
半年後，我喺小說網開始連載長篇小說。讀者唔多，而且反應負面，絕大部份留言係話劇情好悶。好彩我早有心理準備，無論對住任何意見都好淡定，輕輕鬆鬆寫句「多謝留言」。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbfjcKBvTo7
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2m900eF4hL
連載咗無耐，小花嘅新書亦喺書局上架。作為「天字第一號fans」，我梗係即刻買一本翻屋企睇。後來知道小花有簽名會，我即刻遞紙請假去排隊攞簽名。場面好墟冚，大部份人係孭住書包嘅學生，似係一放學就趕過嚟。見到小花咁受歡迎，我戥佢好開心。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrqkEQX09Hk
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPJGrBQ8gnj
「你使唔使咁感動呀？」阿敏笑我「發花癲」。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEhoCXAkOBy
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYXbU6ZbxBk
「你唔明㗎喇！我同小花呢啲係『知音情』！」我扮嬲，乘機大大力打阿敏手臂一下。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgmuoxsOTEo
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMfBO77K13F
阿敏嘅笑容僵住，窒咗一秒先回復嬉皮笑臉個衰樣：「我淨係知道你做家務嘅時候好『滋陰』！」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvPQ6hohwPg
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡepbj86qPPK
三個月之後，我個連載終於完結。情況同初頭差唔多，負評佔絕大多數，不過我最在意嘅係有讀者留言話「期待你嘅下一篇小說」！我開心到呢！即刻send message畀小花，想多謝小花鼓勵我，點知發現小花一早封鎖咗我！195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4vgzAP296t
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEJu9W3pkVU
咩事？195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC0fBPz2TZM
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPEaJFsZ8MH
我上討論區睇下關於小花嘅post。好多網絡作者話小花「好假」，係唔係都讚其他網絡作者寫嘅小說好好睇，扮係欣賞佢哋嘅作品，其實係為咗博對方歡心，為自己製造人氣……睇咗唔係好多個post，我已經流晒眼淚鼻水——原來所有嘢都係假㗎！195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNoLjiXfHpg
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfkjdIsGZ9e
阿敏聽到我索鼻，入房睇下咩事。佢望個mon幾眼，直接熄咗我部電腦。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYeGL3Xqe5m
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG3zyqCviFU
我直覺認定阿敏一早知道：「你唔話我知？」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzJlKUOz0O5
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbLhewTmayw
「我認為係Haters喺度搞事，無需要太在意。」阿敏翹起雙手，半坐喺枱邊。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuY0FGbPph8
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0EW0JZFPn0
「你覺得……小花無……呃……我？」我冷靜咗少少。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG9VrhLm5Jl
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6YVvbWV57V
「小花有呃你或者無呃你，對你影響好大咩？」唔知點解，阿敏突然語氣唔多好，有啲䒐䒏。「如果係咁，不如你問下自己，你係咪真係鍾意寫小說，或者你知唔知道咩係『鍾意』。」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJUXwJL4HRq
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjMDjOHuWKt
「如果我唔知咩係『鍾意』，唔通你又知咩？你鍾意乜呀？你部電腦呀？定係你玩緊隻game嘅角色呀？」面對阿敏嘅質疑，我火遮眼，不知不覺開始人身攻擊。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡldh7koxkhS
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Ve1VmDFFI
阿敏笑咗笑，講嘢嘅語調平淡到似係扮出嚟：「『鍾意』係遇到錯折都唔放棄，而我鍾意嘅係我以前個女朋友……」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvNzWcjE3KE
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8hCoYwav3m
阿敏坦白承認自己係獨子，無細妹，我住緊間房其實係佢以前女朋友嘅。佢為咗賺錢結婚，以前做地產經紀時好博命。日頭做得辛苦，夜晚放工自然會打機輕鬆下。但係喺佢女朋友眼中，佢就係懶，放工之後淨係識打機，乜嘢家務都唔做。有一次佢哋為家務問題嗌大交，佢女朋友嬲到離家出走，無返過嚟，仲轉工、改電話號碼、刪社交帳號……195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6tBfr6161G
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPRvLrJTGk3
阿敏開咗罐啤酒，一路飲，一路講，一路苦笑。「我清楚明白佢嘅意思，亦唔會去煩佢。唯一問題係我個心放唔開。我知道自己唔應該繼續掛住佢，要重新出發、搵過另一個，不過我無動力去咁做。我以前做到成隻狗咁就係為咗賺多啲錢，畀好啲嘅生活佢，等佢可以風風光光咁嫁俾我。自從佢走咗，我覺得返工完全無意義，每日只係想執到間屋整整齊齊……」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTOoVf6ddW2
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeIKfvJXffr
「即使你繼續唔放棄，即使你等一世，佢依然永遠唔會返嚟！」我好擔心阿敏。感情易放難收，唔係單憑理智可以解決嘅事，即係阿敏可能成世走唔出呢個陰影。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1BOOuXb1rS
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbtLCMYCqte
「我明白，不過偏偏放唔開……」阿敏放低啤酒罐，篤咗我個額頭一下。「你唔同呀！我嘅角色好被動，你嘅角色完全係喺主動位，無論人哋講啲乜都唔會真正阻止到你——你有手有筆就可以繼續。所以『放棄』定『唔放棄』係你話事。」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjxrqZyzECB
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYINPeJozOl
阿敏好瀟灑咁轉身離開，邊行邊背對住我講：「我記得以前幫你搵租盤嘅時候，你係個驕傲嘅人。點知嗰晚收到你嘅message，見你話自己住嘅劏房火燭，四圍問人借宿借錢。我本來抱住幸災樂禍嘅心態，想睇下你個慘樣，睇夠就趕你走。點知你又好快重新振作，仲話要追夢。當刻我覺得好感動，想繼續見到你追夢個幸福樣，決定唔會趕你走……你放心，無論你而家決定『放棄』定『唔放棄』，我都唔會趕你走——我啱啱諗通自己應該點做。」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ufpSSGZkW
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2BgY2Xhxer
第二日，阿敏開始搵工，好快有公司請佢。佢無再好似以前咁每日做晒所有家務，而係等放假日子同我兩份分嚟做，做完佢就返入房打機打到天昏地暗。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhJoY3NiSWh
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgOovpOOrYh
好佩服阿敏，話改就改，仲要改得咁徹底。反觀我自己，開口埋口話追夢，實質一遇上錯折就嗌放棄……
到底我係咪真係鍾意寫小說？我諗咗呢個問題好耐，最後我決定唔再諗，單憑感覺去做——想寫就寫，唔想寫就放低支筆，唔會再為寫而寫。我發現自己寫小說嘅次數越嚟越頻密，投入程度越嚟越高，連大老闆喺身邊行過都唔知。結果我收到大信封，要即日離職。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrXHt2NSrCE
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjkrVNLn2TS
阿敏一路打機，一路聽我講今日發生乜事。我講完之後，佢笑笑口問我：「你係咪好鍾意寫小說？」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVYey989kKq
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRKfIC6mhGn
「唔知道。我成日嗌放棄，嗌完之後又繼續寫。情況好似唔成熟嘅情侶，成日分手，分完之後又復合。未諗清楚想點，所以放棄。冷靜之後諗清楚，又覺得其實係有愛。呢種愛係咪真係愛，我唔知。」我搬張圓凳埋電腦枱邊，一路飲熱朱古力，一路睇阿敏打機，一路好認真咁答。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz8qsWagXAC
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBVwmv8KVGh
阿敏睄我一眼，即刻收起笑容：「你即係覺得自己唔成熟？」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhcoI7mXpOq
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEX8KjhoN64
「係，但係無諗住改變。以前啱啱離家出走之後，日算夜算，算盡所有方法令自己活得更好。點知一次經濟不景加一次火燭就乜都無晒。我算到盡都唔夠個天咁盡，真係人算不如天算……倒不如好好活在當下，活得盡興就要滿足。」以前嘅錯折已經好遙遠，對我嘅影響遠遠不及而家手中嘅一杯熱朱古力。我又飲一啖——好飽肚、好暖、好舒服。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1mj4ByTzUx
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXLXNa0Xf2B
阿敏啱啱打完一場，無再開新一局。佢伸一伸懶腰，問我：「你點樣先會活得盡興？」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3OLs8jFIQJ
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNW6I1DUFID
我諗都唔使諗，答：「寫小說。」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ9P5qk9LvH
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRbzoxUFhr9
「你嘅邏輯有問題——話唔知自己係咪好鍾意寫小說，又好肯定咁話寫小說先會盡興——如果唔知，又點會咁肯定？」阿敏身體微微傾前，個樣好認真，直望入我雙眼。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJefb7Sbl1E
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbv1fY2L9yN
「你以前讀書時有無參加過陸運會？」我放低個杯，坐直個人，同阿敏對望。「明明唔鍾意參加，又唔可以唔參加，唯有參加自己比較有興趣、比較擅長嘅項目。本來目的係『苦中作樂』，但係因為練習時全情投入，結果不知不覺變得認真、在意結果，不知不覺忘記起初單調乏味嘅苦，不知不覺得到傷痕、眼淚、挫敗感、毅力、堅持、成長……」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ09GfoYl3qU
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmdc87cLqnu
「明明過咗三十歲，你仲講到自己係好青春、好熱血嘅中學生！」阿敏忍唔住大笑。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdDNL0QMzNA
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbA1mk5WzjI
「『青春』、『熱血』係形容心態，唔係形容年紀。我去到七老八十都可以好青春、好熱血！」我預咗阿敏會笑我，所以完全無尷尬。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3qgDGiK0AW
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡih0mpMAbvP
「係咩？」阿敏依然笑唔停。195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl9TOVTZfi7
195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7yH37K9Q6h
「唔信？我俾你見識下我嘅熱血青春！」趁阿敏唔為意，我撲前錫咗佢塊面一啖。「我中學嗰時就係噉樣示愛。」195Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP1gM50YHe1
註：此篇會另收錄於短篇小說合集《雜念集》
ns 15.158.61.8da2
