I've made way to many mistakes and the biggest is just awesome beyond belief. I'm still married until Helen says otherwise, that's a killer, hurts my heart something rotten. Feel sick thinking about it, I AM SUCH A TWAT..
I've lied, cheated and was a horrid husband. I've always tried to push everyone away because I never felt worthy, now my wish has come true. I lied to my family about the way I felt just to justify my feeling of self hate and pity and the fact I believed I wasn't worthy of being loved. Nice one Mike.
She was/is beautiful and kind in so many ways. We did amazing things together, they were simple things, but that was love.
I don't know why I'm even writing, it serves no purpose, it will never help my situation and it always sound like self pity. Helen would think it is, who could blame her?
I'm not aloud to speak to her, to hear her voice. That would be lovely
I really need to be at peace with my demons. They really are demons, they have controlled my entire life. Surely it must be them? I had got to the point in my life that I always wanted to get to. Growing up, all I ever wanted was to get married and have a family, and this was from when I was a teenager. Wierd I know.
Why would I give up on something that I always dreamt and wished for. Makes no sense. It's fucking ridiculous.
What's the point in trying to get well, to beat my fears, to get stable, to be a better person, to be the person that Helen must have seen in me.
Admitting to these things, knowing I can change, wanting to change is a huge accomplishment. Isn't it?
Seriously? What's the point? My dream and wish is with Helen and my daughter. I have none of those and won't have those things.
Do you see what I mean?
ns 15.158.61.20da2
