Carrying The Sun
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What does it truly mean to be happy? What is it like to have everything you could ever want?
What is it like to feel loved?
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Chaplin
According to everyone that I have ever known, I live the life of a king. My life is pretty okay, I guess. I mean, as of right now, I'm heading right into Princeton University. I have an amazing girlfriend. Both of my parents are proud of me, despite their divorce, and my little sister looks up to me. All of my life, I have been able to do whatever I set my mind to. Play football and be amazing. I did that. Be nice and make a shit ton of friends. I've done that too. I've even been dating my girlfriend, Baylee, since the end of eighth grade. We've fought once, and it was over something that I could've stopped. By the end of the day, we were fine, and she still loved me.
If my life is so great, why do I feel so empty? I feel like something's missing. Like I need to have one more thing. But what is it? I do not know what I'm missing. I have everything I could ever ask for, sitting in the palm of my hand. So, what do I want? If I want to get through high school, then I need to stop thinking like this, right? I mean, everyone sees me as the type of guy that yells ‘hey! Look at me, I’m a tall guy with nothing but freckles and a big heart!’ but really I don’t feel like that. I feel like a big mess whenever someone asks if I’m doing okay. I can’t do much about it. Telling my family about it would just bring everything down more than everything has gone through these past 2 years.
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Monday - I’ve never really thought that writing in a journal would help with my “depression” but here I am. Mom told me to, so I thought I’d give it a shot. Jen, my friend, is trying really hard to make friends. I’m not superb with helping others with social interactions, but she’s really set on trying. She’s really sweet, and she’s a great friend. I love her. She’s great.
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I woke up before my alarm rang . Lydia ran into my room and pulled my blanket off, giggling. I grabbed the giant comforter and wrapped her up, throwing her onto my bed.
“Ha! And like that, I win once again.” I laughed, my hands on my hips. She squirmed, trying to get out. She laughed into the blankets, falling off the bed and onto the floor. Mom walked in, already in her uniform, crossing her arms at us. I picked Lydia up and beamed at Mom.
“It’s 5:30 in the morning. Shut up, losers.” Mom walked in, messing up both of our heads of sand-colored hair. Even though Mom’s hair is this beautiful black, we were stuck with Dad’s color, a nasty sandy brown. Lydia ran out and into her room, closing the door behind her. Mom watched me pull a shirt on and walked over to me, touching my cheek. I hate seeing her like this. Scared. Sad. Alone.
“I can’t believe you’re going to college in a year.” She sniffled, running her hands through my hair. I hugged her tightly and laughed.
“You’ll still have Lydia.” I pulled her away and opened my drawer. Mom then walked out, mumbling something I couldn't hear. After putting on the light colored jeans I love so much. Dad’s name flashed onto my screen, making me smile.
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Make sure you and your sister have your stuff together! I’ll be there around 5 after you guys get out of school. See you then, Brachy.
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Alright Dad, see you then.
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I love my dad, he’s great. I just wish that the two of them never split up. It hurt Mom terribly. She hasn’t been the same woman that I grew up to call Mom. Ever since the divorce, Mom stopped being social. She stopped talking to our family because her family really liked my Dad. He was close with them and Mom always hated it. I never understood why.
Mom filled up a mug with hot chocolate for me, kissing my cheek, saying goodbye. Lydia left with her, leaving me in the house alone. I actually liked it alone. I grabbed my bag and headed out the door, locking it behind me. Baylee waited at the front door for me with a giant smile on her face. I kissed her cheek and grabbed her hand. As we walked, she kept looking at me with a smile. I looked at her, confused.
“What’s up?” I asked, looking at the orange and pink eyeshadow on her eyes. She shook her head, looking ahead. I kissed her cheek again and hugged her tightly. Baylee giggled, hugging me back. When we arrived at the front entrance, all the guys ran over to me, slapping me on the back. Baylee hugged me one last time and ran off with her friends. The guys threw my jacket to me, shouting. We headed to the locker room and waited for Coach to give us one of his first-day-of-school bullshit talks again. That’s when Tyler brought up Jennifer Mackie, my best friend.
“Does anyone know about that chick, Jennifer Mackie?” He pulled his shirt off, rummaging through his locker to grab his pads. Kent turned, raising his hand.
“Yeah, she’s the one in the yearbook club, right?” Kent stretched, whipping Tyler with his shirt. After yelping, Tyler turns around, throwing his jersey over the giant plastic pads. Chris smacked Kent’s head, laughing.
“She’s a total shrimp. Kendrick trampled that poor kid last year!” All the guys laughed at Chris’s comment. I couldn’t laugh. I just sat there, nodding. None of them know that I’m her friend. It’s not like those stupid shows where these two people are friends and if the popular ones' friends knew they were friends, they’d get left behind and become that unpopular nerd. It’s nothing like that. Jen hasn’t ever been good at making friends or talking to people. I don’t know how to help her with that. If I were to tell the guys, ‘Hey, stop talking about her like that, she’s my friend,’ then they might stop, but Baylee hasn’t always been the nicest either. The team continued talking about her, while I just sat there gearing up, staring off into space.
Of course, Coach told us at the last second we needed to be suited up and make it to the gym. All of us ran out in order when they called our names. Everyone but me. When they called my name, I just sat there. When my name gets shouted, there is always something to add after it. The cheerleaders all danced and cheered, while the principal announced my name once again. I walked out, waving and shaking his head. Baylee’s voice blasted over a microphone.
“Today, we, the Leonard Hallow Lions, would like to honor our best football player, Chaplin Samson. This year is his final year here at Leonard Hallow High, so we want all of you to scream to say good luck for his last year!” Just as Baylee finished, everyone screamed and cheered. Her smile made me grin, my face warming up. I have a noble life, I really do. Principal Krews told me to make a speech, so I followed orders, with a goofy smile.
“Hello!” I yelled, everyone cheering. “There are some new and old faces around here today. To new and old, welcome. These past three years have been . . .chaotic to say the least, but also really eye-opening. Ever since freshman year, I’ve been stressing about college. Sure, now it’s more of a thing to think about, but thinking about it earlier in the school years is good too. My girlfriend would call me a geek for knowing everything about each college that I wanted to go to. Football, no matter what, has made its way into my life. Of course, it’s not everything but it also has made my path perfectly clear for college. One day, you will be standing here, your senior year thinking about college. College is scary and is hard to think about, but it’s easier when you get used to it. On this day, three whole years ago, I was sitting right where you are. Questioning ‘who the hell is this guy?’ and ‘why should I listen to him?’. But the thing is, you don’t have to. I don’t really care. I’m not all that attention bringing. All I’m trying to say is welcome and good luck!” I waved to everyone and ran to the bleachers to let the principal remind everyone of rules.
Baylee held my hand, calling me a geek again. I loved it even if it is supposed to be a little bit of an insult.
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AN: HEYYYYY! I started writing this and I want it to go far ahhhhhh. BIIIEEEEEEEE <3 thank you loves :DDDD128Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiSuPoda9S9
