Returning home exhausted, I entered my room and opened the bottom drawer of my desk. I took out a photo album and flipped through it absent-mindedly. Inside were all the photos of me and Lolly, the happy moments and deep memories we shared together, including watching the sunrise on Tai Mo Shan (*the highest peak in Hong Kong with an elevation of 957 metres) in the early morning; admiring the sunset at a beach at Lung Kwun Tan (*an area located in the western part of the Tuen Mun District in Hong Kong) in the bitter cold wind; hiking on Lamma Island (*one of the most popular outlying islands in Hong Kong) on weekends, and playing at Disneyland with our Mickey Mouse hats on.
Even though we had broken up for some time now, these memories, though faded, still stirred a hint of melancholy in my chest. I was wondering though - was this feeling caused by my lingering thoughts of Lolly, or was it because of the awkward encounter with Hana earlier?
I had to ponder though - did I really understand what love was, and did I know how to start a new relationship?
"Never mind, it's late now, and tomorrow is a busy day at work. I should go to bed and rest as soon as possible."
I put the album back in the drawer, turned off the bedroom light, and fell asleep in no time.
Over the next two days, Hana and I were both busy with our work and we hardly spoke to each other. To prepare for the annual IT audit, my job for the past few days was to go through a pile of daily operation documents, their related forms, and tons of system-related information, and then meet with my our department head and several colleagues responsible for follow-up matters. On the other hand, the mobile application project that Hana was responsible for had entered the development stage. She was busy writing code and discussing requirements with users in more details than we had delved into previously.
Everything seems soundless and still - we went from frequent face-to-face chats, mixing business with trivial banters, to mainly business communications via emails. Unconsciously, we reduced our chances of catching up with each other, intentionally avoiding each other while going to the pantry or deliberately taking a different route. Even when we met, we would only nod awkwardly and say an almost emotionless "good morning" or "good afternoon," a thick barrier lies between us in plain sight.
What the hell was going on? Was it because of the incident at the sports field that night? I didn't know.
Would we still go for a run together this coming Saturday? Hana didn't mention it, and I didn't want to ask.
Fortunately, on Friday night I had my appointment with Becky, and I could confide in her about all the knots in my heart. When I told her everything that had happened recently, including my acquaintance and time with Hana, Becky asked me a question.
A straightforward question.
"Are you in love with her?"
I hesitated and hemmed and hawed. I decided to avoid answering the question directly.
"Well..... I don't deny that her optimistic and lovely personality is indeed loveable..."
"Is that so?"
"And, any beautiful girl would be liked by anyone."
"I agree."
"What's rare is that she performs well at work, maybe even better than I did back then."
"So?" Becky smiled, "So, are you in love with her?"
I looked embarrassed and blushed.
"Jan, I am still waiting for your answer."
"I don't know. Everything seems to have come too fast, and I have too many concerns."
"Too fast and too many concerns?"
"Yes." I sighed, "After all, there have been too many changes. Dad fell into a vegetative state, Mom had a stroke, Lolly left me, and my emotions hit rock bottom. Everything came too fast. Too fast."
"Ah-ha." Becky nodded and encouraged me to continue.
"Too many things came suddenly, leaving me with a lot of doubts about the future, and nothing is certain." I propped up my chin, "I have too many questions in my heart: Do I still miss Lolly? Can Hana and I get along? Will our age difference be too big? Will she see my mother as a burden like Lolly? I..."
"I'm listening," Becky said.
"I am totally lost." I exclaimed, "I have a feeling that I don't believe that 'good things will happen to me,' and I think that the god of fate has never been fair. I'm very scared to face risks again. So, so..."
At the moment when I was about to speak but stopped, Becky, who was calm and composed, said what I was thinking but dared not say.
"So, you want to wait until the risk becomes 'zero' and confirm that you will encounter the 'good things' you have in mind before you can confidently pursue your happiness?"
I was suddenly speechless.
"Have you heard this saying? 'If you don't risk anything, you risk everything.' Life will never have zero risks. We can choose to escape, but are you willing to? Avoiding all risks and missing the person you like, is it worth it? Yes, if you don't take any risks, you won't lose anything, but is a life where you never take risks really worth living?"
Becky's words hit me hard. She was right. I had been so scared of taking risks that I had been avoiding every opportunity that came my way. But what was the point of living a life without taking any risks? I needed to take a chance and pursue my happiness, even if it meant facing potential risks and uncertainties.
"Thanks, Becky," I said, feeling grateful for her advice. "I get what you are saying. Thank you."
Becky smiled but did not speak. Her eyes conveyed the message of her blessing, which was self-evident.
"I wish you happiness."
After leaving the Becky's Counselling Centre, I immediately sent a text message to Hana.
"Can you tell me the meeting time and place for tomorrow morning's run?"
Ten minutes later, I received a reply.
"Let's meet at the Shatin Sports Ground at 8pm, and our destination is the Science Park."
I will pursue happiness and take a risk. See you tomorrow, Hana.
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