穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVgGDy6Jkcy
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCCPyYBcTwi
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvR2yMyfNo0
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡloAlhQiamB
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ1gdT7uAWI
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ45spJmIKYY
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcvPYaxRQ9m
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2exiuEo2fc
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOI9unRIb8p
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFcW53KjGXQ
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0WLN6oUwVY
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOTY05f6w3g
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAHOWIWlwJs
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqbfiuClNc3
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5E9JwdRpAj
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWEacEV15Tq
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzfaXegPMjr
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmP09uuGv7f
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmVqpGbUv2F
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFe5KG56v5Y
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLlxRmzdYZh
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡukS8iqILPw
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu7rFCzsxXJ
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPZPUOj4uL5
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ32cuVFICfh
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFr8n9yqELc
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa2fZLVhN0X
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE1ux36oBhT
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc5pjaV6peq
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYfUS6hAoN5
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRkKX4ajNaG
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPJ9B1WLWME
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE8Hs2Ow8ER
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Zfu2VwdTJ
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSHF6c1UBDp
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2KB2EkAQtA
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmRlqVlSb3b
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡalp6NO0bv4
「鍾意你。」他說。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVxGsIE7nbe
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCUGJiru1PG
「我都係。」她應。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdjijQD6tS3
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡssJmTrJnvX
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhE4eOtY1Fp
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡExmv9iKCqj
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Z6ZJQ6o7j
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf4mvSviYpY
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhNTBlqXbDL
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNVYFS3rBKl
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyYCp9JzNQi
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiDywm0SWqL
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRVXMVYRIJj
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4jRTU5Kuxu
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBbPSyKzZN2
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVHqRoANg5l
二人過後做愛、入睡。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkTboptAYk5
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVP9kmpxvY1
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwYpe7x17jL
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCg5NyYZhiL
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5SgkoJC8DL
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdk5NPoiTH4
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkG7AXOacit
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYi6c2GnPpK
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmfGL8jNDeB
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHWX2m7EaDK
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlMAS3JmrtO
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHKtyimzuDc
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbHu27adM12
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiok3xZa40h
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ6yZFWu30Y
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhlbHYmajMd
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡirpSTRFmRu
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDdMI346zVG
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFN4uxdo9c9
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1hd0uNMYv4
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNw0YYsXCv2
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPqawOOFaA0
她糊糊塗塗。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4vDm9axk6u
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpHKZsVjiE7
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcOCLjHsqoC
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWMBz0ntCRQ
最怕空虛。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhZgwwFROmL
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ65azs4KlX
/286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7ToXPav0mp
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcC245bf7BM
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRWo1fjkiA2
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOImuADcm8w
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ9Qd8WBefk
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnsQGbt0LkQ
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcKqnmuR5RG
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHyNr4gIuIn
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeh9jdJ5cqC
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0lN8ceNJ2x
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRyPTg5doTi
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡalN4KOtEFf
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBbv5r3jfgp
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpVjSCyg7Vn
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn7gObDj2DF
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnnqbk1AWKs
她不過在日常之中夢遊。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUDnYXJqarn
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSfUkHwCR6p
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLw8dGETaij
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYa0vh4jG3Q
「上年12月開始。」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdS2WmNmajw
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqjlap9XYxA
「頻率係？」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6j0a2koTP8
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2B2LOuNCwu
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlqoxuZgxPp
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY7hL8VtZFE
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Xv9g1i4VA
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡebbBlltaQB
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIFdQnSSgeL
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBkSRGChzhc
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqsYoAmD9md
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKTozE8OJje
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7XQtLmIe7S
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqpnzV4gXYm
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡezQnHFgeFG
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7A8uLP9C6v
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU40bmGsEnD
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS8cVm9KSNs
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8DTcKnxnoY
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtagosLXEOE
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6FfMhQCtTj
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDlQrl3vrBr
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTuKO6PCNMe
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAWyZB5WsuL
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8jCKb6yayb
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8HYpxvIUJM
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2bG5OhoDPZ
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7W4sNRtGmq
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN8z17xyaAh
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZUeIyCiCCo
連傾訴都不真誠。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRleBm09sbM
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfgaRDGi9Qz
不開心又不去死。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGBOMK6a5D7
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ37DpkUm2DQ
不去死又不改變。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡInf32y9cT2
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLFy2Jbow7M
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfVLopNCDNW
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfpkzyR7Nmb
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOeORZYotLx
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyJO0ptdps8
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz04cs7XdcP
286Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHAHFeqaLfg
