穿上周立沖的衣服,林蓁便一起躺在床上。286Please respect copyright.PENANAVgGDy6Jkcy
286Please respect copyright.PENANACCPyYBcTwi
他舉著平板電腦,二人一起看YouTube,她卻失神——286Please respect copyright.PENANAvR2yMyfNo0
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想起,方才輔導員重複問她:286Please respect copyright.PENANAZ1gdT7uAWI
286Please respect copyright.PENANA45spJmIKYY
「你有過自殺嘅經驗?可唔可以講吓係點㗎?」286Please respect copyright.PENANAcvPYaxRQ9m
286Please respect copyright.PENANA2exiuEo2fc
原先,她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小,支支吾吾,說:286Please respect copyright.PENANAOI9unRIb8p
286Please respect copyright.PENANAFcW53KjGXQ
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥,嗰陣時,無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲,「好失敗啊可?」286Please respect copyright.PENANA0WLN6oUwVY
286Please respect copyright.PENANAOTY05f6w3g
「好彩你無事,先可以嚟到呢度。」286Please respect copyright.PENANAAHOWIWlwJs
286Please respect copyright.PENANAqbfiuClNc3
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷,在紙上抄抄寫寫;再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後,輔導員說,兩天後,可以見輔導員,如有需要就去看精神科。286Please respect copyright.PENANA5E9JwdRpAj
286Please respect copyright.PENANAWEacEV15Tq
原來對著陌生人說話,比起與認識的人坦露真心容易,原來。286Please respect copyright.PENANAzfaXegPMjr
286Please respect copyright.PENANAmP09uuGv7f
反正只是見幾次,不需顧及印象及形象,而且,輔導員們見得太多人,越是獨特身份才越會害怕。286Please respect copyright.PENANAmVqpGbUv2F
286Please respect copyright.PENANAFe5KG56v5Y
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順,除了需費時組織,就像談論好天氣。286Please respect copyright.PENANALlxRmzdYZh
286Please respect copyright.PENANAukS8iqILPw
在等待確認下次見面日期時,她坐在房間外的沙發,也有學生一樣落座,和她對視,又移開目光。286Please respect copyright.PENANAu7rFCzsxXJ
286Please respect copyright.PENANAPZPUOj4uL5
「Counsellor話你唔算好急,下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得?」286Please respect copyright.PENANA32cuVFICfh
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櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生,他點點頭,應一句好。286Please respect copyright.PENANAa2fZLVhN0X
286Please respect copyright.PENANAE1ux36oBhT
當下,林蓁心驚,大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢?如果一個人,不是下一秒就要死,但也是非常傷心,只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務,最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」,該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮,是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺,所以才有機會優先見輔導?286Please respect copyright.PENANAc5pjaV6peq
286Please respect copyright.PENANAYfUS6hAoN5
可是,現在她還想活下去,其實也是「唔急」。286Please respect copyright.PENANARkKX4ajNaG
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從輔導中心出來,雨下得很大。286Please respect copyright.PENANAE8Hs2Ow8ER
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林蓁感覺,身體像要化在雨中,融成空絕,才罕有地主動致電周立沖,與他見面。然後,躲到室內,看雨落啊落。286Please respect copyright.PENANASHF6c1UBDp
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溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後,周立沖親吻林蓁,然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓,她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。286Please respect copyright.PENANAmRlqVlSb3b
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「鍾意你。」他說。286Please respect copyright.PENANAVxGsIE7nbe
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「我都係。」她應。286Please respect copyright.PENANAdjijQD6tS3
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誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。286Please respect copyright.PENANAhE4eOtY1Fp
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只有食物是安全的,吃進口裡,質感、味道,作不了假,落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實,像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中,本來怎樣空虛也好,最後還是落地,暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息,一時安心總是重要的。286Please respect copyright.PENANA6Z6ZJQ6o7j
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「好唔好食啊?有無太鹹?」286Please respect copyright.PENANAhNTBlqXbDL
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「好好食,咩都啱啱好!」286Please respect copyright.PENANAyYCp9JzNQi
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「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯,之前同佢出面食,一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。286Please respect copyright.PENANARVXMVYRIJj
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「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。286Please respect copyright.PENANABbPSyKzZN2
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二人過後做愛、入睡。286Please respect copyright.PENANAkTboptAYk5
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林蓁沒有告知輔導員,和周立沖現在的關係,她只是說有一個喜歡的人,但不能一起。她怕被批判。286Please respect copyright.PENANAwYpe7x17jL
286Please respect copyright.PENANACg5NyYZhiL
與前度再遇,又沒有建立承諾,無名無分,但有肉體上的交纏,這是不道德的關係,也罷;最怕是被人知道,自己愛而不得,迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊,壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘,漸漸,也不知目的。286Please respect copyright.PENANA5SgkoJC8DL
286Please respect copyright.PENANAdk5NPoiTH4
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待,這令她想起父親。所以,每次談到現在,她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。286Please respect copyright.PENANAkG7AXOacit
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即使,她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己,還是,無法讓身邊的人知道。286Please respect copyright.PENANAmfGL8jNDeB
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無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——286Please respect copyright.PENANAlMAS3JmrtO
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哎吔,佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。286Please respect copyright.PENANAbHu27adM12
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哎吔,你到底想唔想要幸福?再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩?286Please respect copyright.PENANAQ6yZFWu30Y
286Please respect copyright.PENANAhlbHYmajMd
哎吔,你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢?286Please respect copyright.PENANAirpSTRFmRu
286Please respect copyright.PENANADdMI346zVG
哎吔,佢個心喺人哋度,同你共對,連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。286Please respect copyright.PENANAFN4uxdo9c9
286Please respect copyright.PENANA1hd0uNMYv4
哎吔,你想要人陪,定係要佢陪?286Please respect copyright.PENANANw0YYsXCv2
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她糊糊塗塗。286Please respect copyright.PENANA4vDm9axk6u
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總之,她繼續與周立沖交纏。286Please respect copyright.PENANAcOCLjHsqoC
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最怕空虛。286Please respect copyright.PENANAhZgwwFROmL
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/286Please respect copyright.PENANA7ToXPav0mp
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兩天後,林蓁與輔導員見面。286Please respect copyright.PENANARWo1fjkiA2
286Please respect copyright.PENANAOImuADcm8w
輔導員頭髮長長,笑容極具感染力,整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑,像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能,或出於禮貌,林蓁變得熱情,一來就講講講,不斷敍述。286Please respect copyright.PENANAJ9Qd8WBefk
286Please respect copyright.PENANAnsQGbt0LkQ
她唸心理學,也讀過輔導課程,很快便引入自己的情況,分門別類,強調自己沒有想死,日常「高功能」,生活如常。286Please respect copyright.PENANAcKqnmuR5RG
286Please respect copyright.PENANAHyNr4gIuIn
「你放鬆啲先,放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事,我哋逐樣逐樣,仔細少少咁講。」這次,輔導員沒有笑。286Please respect copyright.PENANAeh9jdJ5cqC
286Please respect copyright.PENANA0lN8ceNJ2x
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。286Please respect copyright.PENANARyPTg5doTi
286Please respect copyright.PENANAalN4KOtEFf
發現自己「有啲唔對路」,是一向自詡記性甚好的她,常常忘記發生過的事,在聽別人說話時,無法專心。286Please respect copyright.PENANABbv5r3jfgp
286Please respect copyright.PENANApVjSCyg7Vn
她在兼職送外賣時失神,回神發現自己竟越行越遠,凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有,令她後知後覺的害怕是,時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地,一刻清醒,完全無法辨認身在何方,沒有任何步行的記憶。最初,她還戲想,難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移?但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體,只讓她肯定:不是!不是!哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。286Please respect copyright.PENANAn7gObDj2DF
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她不過在日常之中夢遊。286Please respect copyright.PENANAUDnYXJqarn
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「幾時開始呢?」輔導員問。286Please respect copyright.PENANALw8dGETaij
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「上年12月開始。」286Please respect copyright.PENANAdS2WmNmajw
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「頻率係?」286Please respect copyright.PENANA6j0a2koTP8
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「幾日一次?我都唔肯定。」286Please respect copyright.PENANAlqoxuZgxPp
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「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因?」286Please respect copyright.PENANA5Xv9g1i4VA
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「可以咁講,我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。286Please respect copyright.PENANAIFdQnSSgeL
286Please respect copyright.PENANABkSRGChzhc
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度,只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了,她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處,她還是希望輔導中心理一理她,但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明,她有半年多時間「夢遊」,此前也常常覺得生活無望——286Please respect copyright.PENANAqsYoAmD9md
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喂,但活來活去都未死!扮咩抑鬱啫,真係有事就快啲自殺啦。286Please respect copyright.PENANA7XQtLmIe7S
286Please respect copyright.PENANAqpnzV4gXYm
——其實你講嚟講去,都係呢啲。286Please respect copyright.PENANAezQnHFgeFG
286Please respect copyright.PENANA7A8uLP9C6v
——如果真係咁辛苦,不如試吓踏出第一步改變?286Please respect copyright.PENANAU40bmGsEnD
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恍神間,她想起舊時的自己,時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰,也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故,所以,她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人,不是陽光、樂觀、積極,正正是可以共情一些負能量,才可給予易地而處的回應。286Please respect copyright.PENANA8DTcKnxnoY
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然而,可能是形象予人的印象太深刻,當她後來主動談起自己,除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心,以後,誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色,沒有那麼流通,稍一不慎便失序,亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵,接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。286Please respect copyright.PENANA6FfMhQCtTj
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——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢?286Please respect copyright.PENANATuKO6PCNMe
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——過去嘅事,都係要睇開啲㗎啦。286Please respect copyright.PENANA8jCKb6yayb
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認識一個人,和他說過去、現在、未來,這些那些時空的自己,若要以言語裝載,又不知落點何在。286Please respect copyright.PENANA2bG5OhoDPZ
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後來她說出口,由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事,其實也是那些,然而,從聆聽角度上,也許太沒有新鮮感,因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試,怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉,多加兩朵花。譬如,在說她失去舊愛人時,則會提起「今天出門時,見到他」。286Please respect copyright.PENANAN8z17xyaAh
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連傾訴都不真誠。286Please respect copyright.PENANARleBm09sbM
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不開心又不去死。286Please respect copyright.PENANAGBOMK6a5D7
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不去死又不改變。286Please respect copyright.PENANAInf32y9cT2
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林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通,又補充:286Please respect copyright.PENANAfVLopNCDNW
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「但佢哋其實係我朋友,都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我,只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事,真係值得唔開心,或者,唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我,話自己以前都經歷過,嚴重得多,所有嘢都會過去,只要願意。只係我無辦法。」286Please respect copyright.PENANAOeORZYotLx
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無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。286Please respect copyright.PENANAz04cs7XdcP
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