穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ31n37cX1rl
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnQ9h00zDxN
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQSR7KTh8F8
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXalsy6NRG2
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzB6Dkev8fI
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2RrDo3kfWE
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQwbGJ6g2wS
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7MnyLusInz
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRr9i1f5aTq
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkcCi5Oasb5
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsqpR1ZPAgy
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡycGoHahyju
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyYHxj4iFox
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfhcepzFKOV
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUWJTJ0RueJ
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpHv8kxEJRM
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCf0Oufc3ag
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWqA3YcQpg6
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkDPu04eDi4
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ337mWHxgSI
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbuiaWcATiV
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5SkZPAh1Io
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZARE7OXzfs
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVE6s7ArZTY
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM7apM290ao
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyndTT34wd4
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbGisMfattp
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPwAB75Hvhp
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjPAMTsV5VH
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRrKJ1Y9fSc
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU8ANFKCcCF
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBTCmx5HTtK
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVyG6VFmTEa
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBIBb5Kk0VW
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUNaTVdtO2N
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQOlc4QBiOP
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6n1gTx7c9d
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyFUuBpyaIJ
「鍾意你。」他說。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpJag5Uvv4r
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡexN9Wl0h9G
「我都係。」她應。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbY0hee7q5g
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡquaEo2SE1U
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNVzYQQGER6
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkzgF8BPBih
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1I1Bllk1GB
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs9HMiVEv7U
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvpARUCzWgy
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOyg6qRG0Ur
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkJ8wbGNtUj
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOO4aiubXWT
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfbuMyiR62H
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtdi6qUzL63
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAcHwzdaRqy
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡact81FMGAY
二人過後做愛、入睡。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB6EUWNq5YY
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ17kocomK64
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWuO9Xfvc2N
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNnT6K3Uc96
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuJTCphuYIu
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo6A7uTAwiq
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZM4DZiSWpG
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3qr830VwtU
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyrx4sSU9Yy
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYpcQBCHQo4
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡna8408SVLw
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnH18CRcCd1
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFJDw84Cn2z
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCldgLTc2aF
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBifZKCr5qL
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4CCalyUaqw
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9uVTmV4rmS
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH9VaMJCedB
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfOAQpIVgxO
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX0E60jGCmg
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeFkEGrveVS
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtA9bUC55aM
她糊糊塗塗。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8eJRym1wYR
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpLX8H9IXem
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW1Ct64BjP5
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8BO1slbS1a
最怕空虛。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡERKAqdD9Xp
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGsWu8vISrV
/287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZveKUETDjb
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTaVnGMEfFJ
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQAkvNlZNI3
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0m94qWH1ME
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGIEJIbDA8I
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡObYHM5y2cb
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwaE07GWO08
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡph25zKW7sN
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuaF9cVsWbt
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAI7qeBUDcI
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy4sLQNZWt9
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIElDCw0f7z
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlo2x7q3hQ4
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ95DkTlV452
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡawGmAUcFX4
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb5r6RuCYWv
她不過在日常之中夢遊。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1BCcSCAfzi
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUOC7vgC4RP
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQSk2qZKTRP
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡljvRyWACBQ
「上年12月開始。」287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ66BOIUb2TO
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz2k9P1TqKA
「頻率係？」287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5H7fmiI2wp
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTzkvKuMFhv
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDPIMqOfqfW
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdF9wOBGfYm
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyqZtOnOXG3
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsrDcxYBJYN
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUpF3Ka6myy
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBkskI0r9Ut
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3uZ3KzVUdK
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHRDTVYCWyI
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUn93jtGv7v
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSrGlsEOn9H
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWAqL2cewgE
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe4Lzz4VTzx
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBR94RQc1iP
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKRtjLpEcmk
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUeh5juGtKa
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgfVFOc9hp8
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3mkKLCpVaB
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7qNt31jPBE
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSnpMGoLotZ
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡejPixzOpYm
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7GA2DaRWPJ
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9i0VcQNtzt
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq4uVSSHWOs
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpZbtqjCjhH
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKWQvtsg2jw
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVp34k1YJAB
連傾訴都不真誠。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMs3pfvkDx8
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY7b1gjYjEt
不開心又不去死。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzu160F4HQo
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvB5X75vtye
不去死又不改變。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG4n85zb5Xl
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡocjIqQBPjF
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa7XaOgV3Ma
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6jJyeX5Pob
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ5SlXpzq4E
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO0TtJ1cPbI
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWKoVraMtOL
287Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Mh3tSZpTG
