然後，她去替人補習，如常地，五點半到達學生的家。學生是一對姊妹，輪流上課，每人一小時。七點半，她便離開，回家煮個公仔面食。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDBgrb66bxP
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRpRuU6Pu40
/238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKf0zvJooQM
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgPmInTdp2h
這一年來，林蓁偶然回家睡覺，偶然在外過夜。要說「偶然」，好像並不準確，最近她與周立沖交好，時時留在他宿舍，但有時，她也天天回家，畢竟宿舍不是她的家。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrwSd5GvRhY
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKqAkoRIiTB
一家五口，她是二妹，也是二家姐，大家姐一早移居國外，弟弟則到外國讀書，家中只得她一個。以前，她忘記過自己有家姐，這幾年，快要連有弟弟也忘記。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw3ePp08adP
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZTYDb37Zgm
進門，燈火通明，林父在客廳看電視，背靠輪椅。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmijV5FqAJ4
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr32hBXisVB
「林蓁，攞紙巾過嚟。」238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMOZTjdO4b5
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdM7y5rl289
他與那個口中怒吼「你跟我姓㗎！食我嘅住我嘅，我打死你都冇人知！」的父親形象已大大不同，經歷中風，身體羸弱的他一改舊日暴戾，平靜地如一般退休老人。現在，他需要倚靠女兒的照顧。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiQYtjvLTP0
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdCId5TXTUm
因此，像什麼事都沒有發生過一樣，與女兒「正常共對」。哪怕流露出一點點愧疚，林蓁也會好過一些。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM9WxijXNHS
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZS3UQvs8Fd
她沒有刻意回憶舊事，但還是記得過往——238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfOh0juP8Km
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr3KsNCAhXL
林父最初，只會打大家姐。大家姐長得高，人又聰明，時時駁嘴。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYRmeW7unlJ
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4CDxWRmO13
他心情不好便會打她。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQEUrgvd4AC
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoQcexILxZ8
大家姐多數不吭一聲，直直地瞪著父親，眼睛通紅。父親最討厭她這模樣，知道她現在不說話不求饒，為著平時他說些什麼時冷靜地反駁，他抄起飯桌上的鏡子，往她的膞頭骨打下去。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBnU35vzW1T
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCLuakwMoQH
一下一下打下去。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0LWbE3ES7P
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ9bkOxTOJg
「你唔聽話吖嘛？答我呀！我生你養你打死你都無問題呀！」238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPRLxiJPKsH
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdkLmmmIMsF
「我無唔聽話呀！」238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWrzpOGpTw2
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpYJZgiLEn3
「仲講大話！」238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTStx62FfI7
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnkPsdEQilo
他捉住大家姐的頭髮，髮根吃痛，她便用腳爬到父親用力的方向，他更輕鬆地把她的頭按在地上。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6KY9e21VBL
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP1fRhVcnVe
打人工具不多，或是說沒有特定工具，要麼隨手拿起便敲到身上，要麼單純用手打打打㩒㩒㩒刮刮刮。他那樣即興，像一份浪漫美意。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCdyVrgtwy9
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRFXPpGcVCj
彼時林蓁和弟弟跪坐在房內，隔著一段距離，看爸爸和家姐。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhaDmcfuT6g
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ8rSLIytPj
「你哋兩個唔好似最大嗰件咁壞！如果唔係連你哋都打。」238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZz5FZIISdL
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGIRMRcM6Wm
小小林蓁會忍不住哭出聲來。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡth4ZOMHe9D
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEdIaeSo2dD
她對父親恐懼，卻又覺得是家姐首先「曳」，所以才被父親打。她會出去，將攤在地上的家姐扶起，說：238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKGtfsprt5v
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrJlcxCDreQ
「你以後都唔好激嬲阿爸啦。」238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUZogVW82I2
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMFSoh7v8IH
家姐只是拍開林蓁的手：「縮頭烏龜，唔使你可憐。」238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJmr9hfKqvF
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAFj9xdpIyx
媽媽回家，見到屋內一片死寂，也沒提什麼，只說：「開飯啦。」238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpvaT20mGgN
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMkXtEhipOh
/238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7u7Bu8tv2d
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzvnC2DaG8O
然後，林蓁把紙巾遞給父親，他抽出，用力呻鼻涕。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpXF0yLZQPr
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIfnSV3amrc
她去煮辛辣麵，不再另以碗裝住，就這樣捧著鍋吃，坐在客廳，沒有和父親看一樣的電視內容，只是看電話。新聞新聞，姜濤，譚仔，SASA特價，清潔工權利，腦袋卻無法裝載更多。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEL7k3GxfdJ
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjxzuuaWmcb
快快吃完，她去洗鍋。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnFOvqhes94
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJcvRDpPUhF
林蓁從不會過分霸佔一個空間，即使長期留在一個地方，如家，如周立沖的宿舍，她的物件都沒有幾多。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJm9Tpu23dj
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHqGEFLOu85
自小，父親便不喜歡她將玩具放出客廳，有次，她將一個小熊公仔放在沙發上，然後去廁所，出來時，便不見了小熊。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzCt3CNZ039
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8yIC1mrHyf
「熊仔去咗邊？」238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTvPpRAff6Y
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7j4DZG92Zg
「我抌咗。」238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZQm985oy0t
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLWC3vkl5Tk
「吓……」她小小聲，馬上到垃圾桶裡撿小熊，只見它對上有一堆橙皮、紙巾、洋蔥。倒是沒有哭，只不斷地用水沖涮小熊，又嗅了嗅，酸臭味仍然不走，加梘液，起泡刷。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAuo8CPjSWc
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSlw9eJRVB9
當時她已很怕父親，便不敢說什麼，只環抱小熊，在他面前行過，證明她對小熊不離不棄。從此，她不再將自己的東西，放在「不屬於自己」的地方，譬如客廳、廚房。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR1g8kr5Vtk
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡttgWhgDQ5k
她在家霸佔的位置也越來越小，開始覺得多餘。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoSCJpe7AVe
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9SfN6We0Jt
此刻，斟了一杯水後，林蓁在父親面前吃藥，他的眼神依然死死盯著電視螢幕。她根本不必避諱。她是幸運的。在避談精神病的城裡，她的親人要麼離開了，要麼對她不管不顧，誰管她的死活呢。一個人的能量有限，她不必花心神在隱藏自己的狀態之上。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJUyWtmWtnO
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGUfBmSC3BL
和她一屋簷下的血親，甚至不知道她幾歲、唸什麼、將來會返咩工。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLC6Gzme21n
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6jIdVMVcpG
二人不會說話——反正她不會牽起話頭。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuTqaEEBBKd
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGluWCbySzg
和他，不知有什麼好講。每個家庭，也是如此麼——恐怕不是，畢竟她羨慕過別人家的融洽和睦。閉上屋門，死氣沉沉，只得腳步聲來來回回拖拉。對於她現在的一切，除了煞有介事地和輔導員講之外，就沒有辦法與人道，慢慢，她的語言能力也枯萎，必要說的事以外，連組織也困難。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtgsflkthbg
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYmjJjxK52M
有時，她會怨恨全屋人都走光，家姐一早撇下她，母親死了，細佬又走，得她一個留在家。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGdvy7smEHK
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ7PVz3HiPy
家姐離開後，父親便找林蓁出氣，依然是拳打腳踢。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrJ1hSkis6R
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0GEFIsh3E2
但，她從來沒有「激嬲」父親。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8NlqjSRCoH
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtAP2OIECHX
/238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0DdVmDLPF8
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVemZT36UOs
那時，小小林蓁和家姐陷入一種莫名其妙的冷戰。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl6EYdU07Z8
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCZqCBng6Mb
二人沒有吵架，只是，當林蓁叫家姐不要再惹父親生氣、又故作乖巧地斟水給他喝消消氣後，家姐每次見她，便沒有好臉色。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdOXoZY5EJa
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdgmsuNXtRB
作為二女兒，家庭的中間位置，平凡、不突出、不顯眼；林蓁擁有「希望所有人都喜歡自己」的渴望，否則，誰會關心她呢。家姐更聰明堅強，而弟弟是家中唯一男兒。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ30NbcmRSqc
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS17aKpO05O
林蓁總是溫溫和和，不吵不鬧，她一早發現自己不是可以雲淡風輕的天之驕子，也沒有勇氣離經叛道做野孩子，要得到歡心和關注，只能做好自身，微笑對人，得體應答，天真可愛，人蓄無害——她有這樣的天賦。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMbWgxMbPwU
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTN9XUSWN6O
她自覺喜歡充當人與人之間的潤滑劑，或者說是，討厭別人對立，每次如此，她不知道應該支持哪方。而且，別人若是熱鬧，又有誰看見只瑟縮的她呢。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpPWcEBLSAu
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzUvxE9J03I
所以，每次家姐被父親打，林蓁也會看看家姐，問她痛不痛。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpXGGl2E0ki
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡngQitUjnvt
「你匿埋都唔緊要，你同細佬仲細，都無辦法攔到阿爸。但點解要叫我唔好激佢？」家姐說。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDfZM0ItrDf
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUYhZC4Wa4i
「我驚你畀佢打得更加犀利。」林蓁說。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMJ7Ht3MWnJ
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv5NzK9dlrL
「唔係我令到佢打我㗎！係佢自己發神經㗎！」238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsQ92uK8uOh
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsUtUUOGVsV
「咁佢打緊你嗰陣時，向佢求饒，等佢快啲打完啦……」238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjpYHz1fFdo
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5pReeUMptf
「佢又打唔死我，為咗嗰少少快啲打完，求佢？你係我個妹，咁無骨氣？」238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrwJNQxyELX
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTXzedLkA4u
林蓁不知為何，竟然哭了起來。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcO71eWbQnQ
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIW55k9FlEG
「你仲喊！又唔係你畀人打！你仲要斟水畀阿爸！喊喊喊，你喊咩呀？」238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW86vKxrkkM
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxZKTwqcl8K
姊妹二人，一連幾日沒有說過話。起初，林蓁還厚著面皮，將自己早餐的面包及腸仔分給家姐（父親罰家姐不準食飯），但被拒絕。後來，林蓁也生氣起來，心想你不理我我也不理你，便不再主動和家姐搭話。二人其實一直也留意對方，回頭時會對視，但只有一秒，都急急移開目光。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1DIhVP1CyE
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeztzcbb2Gd
直至父親又打家姐。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNWRSx7nFf1
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKLbauvI7zB
原因並不特別，就是家姐食飯食得慢，父親生氣，便打她。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRbGG226Ax0
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxfT9xXhZH7
家姐依然沒有說話，雖然流淚但沒有出聲。林蓁依然擁著弟弟瑟縮一角，只是，下一秒，她又想到，家姐生氣可能是因為以前她沒有出來維護家人，於是，她便鼓起勇氣，衝出來：238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXWYRoKktvm
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc9kzvEGkMI
「阿爸唔好再打啦！家姐知錯啦！」238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5HQZGbr0TE
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXrBpndVAm8
「佢知錯？咁佢唔講？」238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMNJB1Aoahx
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdJ3QSxlqzc
「家姐真係知錯！」林蓁情不自禁地流淚起來：「你望吓！家姐喊！全面都係眼淚，佢只係唔好意思講咋嘛！」238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPTKc8WC2cC
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2hmqxC6RBo
「喊代表知錯咩？佢唔知有悔意喎！」238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGVolD9jUAd
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVn1jrzFzBk
「真㗎真㗎！」林蓁撒謊：「上次你話完佢，佢話你講得啱㗎！」238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2weTERN7Hc
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpLLhI8gp4J
「我無！」家姐搖頭。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡunFdo6NLCb
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ70qf4faeD2
「你唔好口硬啦，已經好多傷啦！」238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBA4fNN6Wmx
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIxI2OlYwhy
「既然你哋咁講，今日就算，以後再駁嘴就打。」238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡciVRd9HiC0
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjsPPs5dj49
「多謝阿爸。」238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLgV8UVw5lR
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzu4uUJipCe
家姐推了林蓁落地。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF33CfLN348
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnGYkjOOgro
「你做咩要咁講啊？做咪屈我啊？」238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxISmiL59Ly
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6XUot4F3Gc
「我唔想阿爸再打你咋。」238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxXLlkhI0L0
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDLz2phmGRs
「你根本唔明，我被佢打係因為曳咩？佢想無啦啦打人咋！咁啱係我。你同佢求饒？以後佢都係會打㗎！同呢啲人講對唔住做咩？」238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCAVFMvTtwB
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEx09FIQBb7
以往家姐怎樣被父親打，眼睛紅紅，但始終沒有哭出聲來。她在內心與己戰鬥：喊出嚟就輸。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMAYmQUNF3Q
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmI4w8Ikbh0
但現在，家姐越說越委屈，竟然哭了。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO9Nf8bJHGe
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtfaXvbECC0
小小林蓁不明白，以為為家姐好。多年後，她才知道，家姐覺得林蓁擅作主張的求饒，是一種背叛。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Y4IpbSAgk
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8s0YseuKVY
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238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6e87g7A75l
隨即，她去洗澡，在黑暗中淋浴，覺得一切都很靜，視覺的減退一併萎縮其他感官。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfL7F5e1nuW
238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj3nD6RjF6e
不知是否吃了藥的緣故，她比以往快入睡。238Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGRgWUrH5ZU
