在很久很久前,大概在中一的時候,林蓁喜歡過一個男生。253Please respect copyright.PENANAOGJD8OJ01A
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當時,她比廿一歲的自己還重四公斤,還戴黑框眼鏡,臉上還有一些痘痘。比起廿一歲,十二歲的她自然是不懂打扮。253Please respect copyright.PENANAZyQ8IsZhb0
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那個男生,暫稱他為Y先生,是她的鄰座,平時二人會互相問功課,她文科好,他理科好,因此才打開話題。他和大部分男同學一樣,小息時也會圍在一角,通常玩BS卡,或者約放學後打LOL。253Please respect copyright.PENANA4K33CJSSQl
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原本,二人一直不熟,林蓁對Y先生無感,畢竟她平常只和女生玩。253Please respect copyright.PENANAM0FZsPFm0x
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直到,第一次她月經來潮,當時在上課,她只感到下體濕濕的,站起來後,則被後桌的男同學大聲說:253Please respect copyright.PENANAGARhvTnBTr
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「你條裙有血!」253Please respect copyright.PENANAetOfsnPume
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白色的校裙上有一撻小小的跡,還未凝固結塊,像一朵剛開的花。然後,其他人也跟著起哄。253Please respect copyright.PENANAdTeo1I2tMz
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「大個女啦。」253Please respect copyright.PENANAnS0EUgQKXR
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「哎吔,快啲坐返低。」253Please respect copyright.PENANA6UnpECRErj
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「去廁所清理吓。」253Please respect copyright.PENANAeZF1LNLNiH
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她腦袋一片空白,無法反應,對於自己竟對月經不知所措——更加不知所措。她沒有郁動,等到Y先生脫下毛衣,圍在她腰上,遮住裙子。他拍一拍她,著她去洗手間。253Please respect copyright.PENANA6nXiPoTmtb
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自從這一次,她就感到自己好像喜歡了Y先生。253Please respect copyright.PENANAiqQE2TYCFN
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當時心思單純,對一個人有意,就寫在臉上,明明晃晃,無遮無掩。Y先生的笑話不一定好笑,但她一定會笑,而且是盡力地笑,咧開嘴角便見不夠整齊的牙,還會嬌嬌地眉眼彎彎。253Please respect copyright.PENANACkRcLPJC6v
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早上,她先到校,便自願替他到儲物櫃拿當日要用的書。一年一度的社際運動比賽,她會買飲品、小食給他。總在製造偶遇機會,遲他幾秒出課室去洗手間,然後假裝在路上一同回程,碰見,傾多兩嘴。253Please respect copyright.PENANA1qbOwJvTdu
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好友說她的心意很明顯,她沒有說什麼,只是怯怯地睜大眼,再四處張望,確定身邊沒有人聽見這段對話。253Please respect copyright.PENANA7h2sY2Mied
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終於,有一天,放學後,她知道Y先生會留在課室,便打算一起坐在座位上靜靜溫習。253Please respect copyright.PENANA9c1IzrL58e
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但到她折返課室,聽見他和同學的對話——253Please respect copyright.PENANAAuVv0UmTJk
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「林蓁係咪同你有路?好殷勤喎。」253Please respect copyright.PENANANxhZsBQRXf
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「咪係囉,又睇你比賽,又送水又送糧!」253Please respect copyright.PENANAnbOs4Ixdiq
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「仲有啲眼神好痴纏,一唔講嘢就笑住咁望你。」253Please respect copyright.PENANA5bERrzE9Lh
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「咦~實係有嘢啦。」253Please respect copyright.PENANA8uz5qyBKix
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她聽見,竟然有點開心。理論上,她在暗戀,可是愛一個人至世上無人知曉,卻是委屈的。她更加期待Y先生的反應。253Please respect copyright.PENANAtDS738s2sb
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只聽見他說:253Please respect copyright.PENANARBYZpXxPCT
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「吓!咪玩啦,豬扒嚟,我先唔會鍾意佢。」253Please respect copyright.PENANA8zx2hRfeoA
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林蓁心下一沉。253Please respect copyright.PENANAPeIscqJG5l
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「你哋幾親㗎喎。」同學說。253Please respect copyright.PENANACbsKybb24M
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她又想,會不會是他口硬?253Please respect copyright.PENANACUlXzXnXTX
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「佢係都要痴埋嚟咋嘛,呢啲豬閪,我鍾意佢就真係柒頭啦。」253Please respect copyright.PENANA2CvXU2VUrC
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「哇!睇嚟你係柒頭!」同學說。253Please respect copyright.PENANAGaxszfDt4u
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「咪再講,再聽到佢個名我要洗耳。戇鳩,我無可能鍾意佢,寧願打一世飛機。」253Please respect copyright.PENANABNELzJ7GXz
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「好過去自瀆啦。」同學說。253Please respect copyright.PENANAVsSkwZoGAI
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林蓁和那天月經來潮一樣,無法動彈,臉上也不能反應任何表情。253Please respect copyright.PENANAWJch1Di9ch
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最後,她站了一會兒,轉身離去。253Please respect copyright.PENANAFT52dMRalh
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翌日,林蓁確實去了買燈泡,但沒有回家。讓父親一人多留在家一天吧——彷彿是一種小小的報復,偏偏只懂得在這些小事上用力。253Please respect copyright.PENANAXq4voeSEzP
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她去見了周立沖。253Please respect copyright.PENANAWBtv6r0W5r
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一見面,他便說:「今晚不如我煮,你想食咩?」253Please respect copyright.PENANAptZqn2iEXq
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三年前,二人一起,他也常常為她下廚。他這樣說,令她感到二人又回到從前戀愛時。不知道為何,世間男子千千萬,而她明知他不必然是良人,卻在他回來時洶湧澎湃,難以自控地傾瀉。253Please respect copyright.PENANAWoNjaX2UaU
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「無所謂。」253Please respect copyright.PENANAjJjTCaIHaf
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她說「無所謂」,是真的無所謂,並非心裡還有其他盤算,希望別人猜中她未講的話語。畢竟她只需將食物放進口便能填飽肚子,有什麼好要求更多;何況,有人願意煮飯——她已經很久沒有吃過住家飯,對上一次,又是他煮。253Please respect copyright.PENANAIekhQChe0V
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家裡沒有飯吃。253Please respect copyright.PENANAvW1i2fdoBn
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「都知你又會話無所謂,咁我話事啦。」253Please respect copyright.PENANA5xV8qtN8OI
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「你煮咩我都食。」253Please respect copyright.PENANA2Cs2d29Jq0
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「傻瓜。」253Please respect copyright.PENANAypuxBV16VD
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他摸摸她的頭。253Please respect copyright.PENANANLJUZQDehN
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每次,她都對他的溫柔心動,最初,還會不懂反應,但後來便習慣,臉色自如。能夠和他走到今天這一步,她還求什麼。253Please respect copyright.PENANAnljjJ6w3aO
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如果真的有辛苦的時候,也是她自尋的——253Please respect copyright.PENANAWEoQtlaeWE
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譬如,她是因為喜歡他,才會無法離開這段關係;但他不是,若然情傷已癒,哪需異性的溫柔。他若真的喜歡她,最初又怎會捨棄,或者,現在又怎會回來,由她療傷。可是,即使已有清晰認知,她總想到:反正,青春也是要浪費的,除了自身可以發展的事,感情上,不是花在這個人身上,就是另一個人,倒不如,在遇見更喜歡的人之前,將愛傾瀉到他身上。253Please respect copyright.PENANAmqhLJMgAFS
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「快啲煮嘢啦,我好肚餓,嘻嘻。」253Please respect copyright.PENANAbJqJsJPop7
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「不如食咗我先。」253Please respect copyright.PENANAikpYXqXUhT
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「唔要你,成身臭汗。」253Please respect copyright.PENANA0tqSf95ll3
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可是她又要偽裝成,其實不是非他不可。253Please respect copyright.PENANABG0etw3rbD
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愛時時談論「無論如何」,而她的便是:喜歡他,不過又允諾他隨時離開。253Please respect copyright.PENANAtdsbkEXk5u
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她日夜恍神,反覆在腦海練習有一天,他會遇見愛人或是靈魂伴侶之類的東西,她故作鎮定地點點頭、應應嘴,又有一把畫外音著她好好管理顫抖的臉,不要露出濕潤的聲息。久而久之,她便以為,自己已被好好訓練過,可以接受悲痛的離散。連夢也時時出現他,再時時失落。253Please respect copyright.PENANAa2eMo6kRtJ
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不過,幸好,現在他在。253Please respect copyright.PENANAadtKZpfLI0
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心聲太吵鬧,她只能確保自己不要突然發瘋,苛求堅定地被愛。253Please respect copyright.PENANAYYoUACuxjQ