The blaring of an alarm I forgot to turn off the night prior roused me from my slumber. Blinking the sleep from my eyes, I blearily bypassed the lock screen of my phone, fumbling to silence the irksome squawking of my alarm.
I swiped through my apps to find the right one and finally turned it off. Rubbing my eyes, I yawned and checked my notifications.
New Email from Lakeside Community College
Shocked out of my grogginess, I quickly opened the email and ran my eyes over it repeatedly. It took 3 tries for me to finally read and understand the text on the screen.
December 1st, 2014
Deleon County Community College
Dear Faith,
We are pleased to inform you that Deleon County Community College has selected you as the winner of our Bright Futures Essay Contest. Your essay captures the spirit of hard work and determination and we feel you would be a great fit for our university. DCCC will award $5,000 dollars towards your tuition for the 2014-2015 school year. We look forward to seeing you on campus soon.
Best regards,
Chastity Winters
By the time I had finished reading the email, my hands were shaking and tears had brimmed in my eyes. Excitement, anxiety and fear swirled in my gut. I felt as if I could run a marathon, but I also felt like if I stood, I might throw up.
Despite my unease, I pulled myself from my bed and threw on some pants that were in a heap on the floor. I had planned on cleaning my room today, but that would have to wait. I scrambled out the door and into the kitchen, where the two older Wooding siblings were talking over a cup of coffee and plates of toast at the dining table.
Matt gave me a quizzical look, an eyebrow raised in curiosity. "Woah, woah, where's the fire, Luna?"
My words were a typhoon of gibberish in my excitement to relay the good news, which made Kris giggle and Matt hold up a hand. "Easy now, say it again and take a breath this time!" He chuckled.
"I said I got a scholarship! Deleon Community College really liked my essay about what I would do with my degree." It felt as if my very bones were vibrating, I could hardly hold still and was fidgeting with the string of my hoodie that I was still wearing from the night prior.
My joy was contagious and Kris's face split into a wide smile, she slid out of her chair and wrapped me up in a big hug, bouncing with me in excitement. Matt came out of his seat as well, patting me on the back with a grin. "Holy shit, Luna! That's great!! I'm so proud of you."
I pulled a chair up to the table as Kris sat back down across from me. I pulled up the email from before and showed it to Kris and Matt. Matt's cobalt eyes widened in surprise and Kris gasped. "Five THOUSAND dollars!? That's a little over half a year's worth of school! That's a whole semester, Luna!"
"You won't have to worry about funding for quite some time, that'll give you time to save." Matt added, adjusting the hat on his head. "Congrats, Luna, that's a hell of a leg up for you."
Just as Matt started to walk back to his bedroom, the youngest Wooding brother came out of their shared bedroom, rubbing his eyes, haphazardly dressed for school. "What are y'all yelling about in here? I thought the bus was here, but it's only 6:45." He threw his backpack down and grabbed a bowl of cereal from the kitchen.
I opened my mouth to reply, but Kris cut me off. "Luna just got a scholarship for five thousand bucks!"
I glowered at her for telling my news before I could, but my look was short lived as Dylan wrapped me up in a tight hug that nearly knocked me out of my chair. The wiry redhead rocked us back and forth for a minute before letting me go. "That's awesome, Luna! I'm so psyched for you!"
"So, what do you want to go to college for?" Kris asked between bites of toast.
I froze. "Uh.."
Truthfully, I hadn't really thought that far ahead, if I'm honest. I don't really have any hobbies, no special interests as a kid that were practical for a job. Hell, how do people my age even figure out what they wan to be at my age? What if I choose the wrong major and hate my future job?
That anxiety was back again, circling around my brain and I bit my lip to try and still my thoughts. Kris put a hand on my shoulder and rubbed it gently. "Hey, easy, it's okay. A lot of people don't know what they want to do when they get out of college, you can always go get you basic courses done and then decided what electives you want to pursue, or you can even go just get a general degree, like a degree in Business or something."
Her words should have calmed me down and put me at ease, but the cruel whispers in the back of my mind kept feeding my doubt. I put my best reassuring smile on my face and looked at Kris. "That's not going to be my worry right now. I'm going to celebrate with some Marshmallow Stars Cereal." I tried to sound carefree as I made my way to the cabinets, but I could tell that Kris wasn't buying it based on the look she shot me.
I was, quite literally, saved by the bell, as Kris glanced at the clock over the oven and grabbed her other piece of toast. "Aw, shit! Dylan, come on, we have to get you to the bus stop and I got to get to work, I'm opening today and we have a truck coming in."
I watched from the kitchen as Kris and Dylan hurried out the door and debated on what I was going to do on my day off.
--
I found myself staring blankly at the tv as the true crime documentary droned on. My mind was far away and I found myself thinking of Taylor. We hadn't talked much since we had gone to the park and she'd visited my house. I wasn't entirely sure if that was due to Matt being a jerk or if something I had said at the park had made her wary.
When I was around Taylor, it was like there was some part of the joke I just didn't get. Like there was some context I was missing. I felt more and more like there was a piece of the puzzle just barely out of my reach.
I stared up at the aging ceiling above me, the eggshell-colored popcorn texture was collecting an admirable yet disgusting amount of dust. I wished I wasn't so awkward; maybe Taylor was tiring of my sheltered-ness. Maybe I had said something offensive and not even realized it.
I picked up my phone and scrolled through social media, sighing. I was so used to the hustle and bustle of the last few weeks that having a day off with nothing to do was a little weird. I really needed to clean my room, maybe take a shower and take care of myself. I recalled my therapist's warnings about taking care of myself and groaned. I knew what I needed to do, but I just really didn't want to. I clicked the tv remote and the monotone crime documentary went silent as the tv turned off.
Steeling myself, I hoisted myself out of the comfort of the aging couch and stood up. Shuffling to the sanctuary of my room, I looked around. The remnants of the week before were strewn around my room. The mismatched sheets were thrown haphazardly across my lumpy twin mattress and my pillows were being consumed by the gap between my bed and the wall.
I began by straightening the sheets and making my bed before grabbing the cracked plastic laundry hamper and tossing my wrinkled clothes in to be washed. I picked up the stray glasses and the trash that had accumulated and tossed them in a trash bag.
Feeling accomplished, I finished my cleaning spree by tossing my clothes in the rusty washer and went to go sit back down on the couch. I had no sooner gotten comfortable when I felt my phone vibrate in my sweatpants pocket. I couldn't help the hope that maybe it was Taylor messaging me.
Glancing at my text messages, I saw I had a spam message advertising a free phone if I clicked the misspelled link. I rolled my eyes and deleted the message. My finger loomed over the last text I had received from Taylor and I debated messaging her just to see how she was doing. It had been a while since we had talked.
I typed out several versions of a message to her before finally deciding on just a quick 'hello'.
'Hey, It's Luna. You doing ok?'
I stared at my phone for an eternity waiting for a reply. I felt a little silly once I remembered that Taylor was probably at work, and I settled back into scrolling social media for a while.
After several minutes, my phone vibrated again. A notification for a new email. I groaned audibly and let my head fall backwards in defeat. I didn't know why it was suddenly so important to me that I talk to her. She was probably busy with her family, or maybe she had a new girlfriend or something occupying her time.
Maybe she was losing interest in me because I wasn't a lesbian, too?
I snorted at the thought. I thought girls were pretty, sure. I couldn't tell you how many times I had looked at a movie or a magazine and thought about how stunning a female protagonist was.
But all of that was normal teenager stuff. Everyone thought those things, right?
I know my parents had strong views on it. Homosexuality, as they called it, was considered a moral failing and would not be tolerated under their roof. I had heard many horror stories about other families who had shunned their kids for daring to like people of the same gender.
As a kid, I had thought it was dumb that marriage had to be defined as one man and one woman, but that is just the way that God had made us and I was not able to argue with that. As I got older, I tried to stay away from anybody who was 'struggling with homosexuality', lest I be labelled the same way.
The longer I thought about it, the more I felt bad. Maybe I had made Taylor upset with my discomfort.
I couldn't quite put my finger on why it was bothering me so badly that Taylor hadn't messaged me recently. I missed talking to her, missed her dumb jokes and silly innuendos. I missed her carefree attitude, how she was so confident but yet so vulnerable with me.
What if it's because she has feelings for me?
The thought hit me like a bucket of cold water had been thrown on me. The feeling of not quite getting the joke, not understanding things, why she was so insistent on me getting that dress. Why she seemed so close but yet so far out of reach. What if it was because she liked me in a romantic sense?
At first, I felt violated. The teachings of my parents about the 'gay agenda' jumped to the edge of my mind. I shook my head to clear those thoughts.
My parents were wrong. Taylor had been nice to me with no gain for herself, she had helped me apply for jobs and college scholarships. Aside from the occasional innuendo, she had never been inappropriate with me.
If I asked her about it, would it change our friendship? Would she feel rejected, ashamed of herself if she did like me? Would I be breaking her heart if I told her I wasn't gay?
On the other hand, she was very kind to me... and I did get excited when she held my hand. I thought it was because other people might think we were in a relationship, but what if I had just been in denial? Taylor made me feel beautiful when I put on the dress she bought for me. When I was with her, it felt like I could conquer the world.
The anxiety in my stomach began to turn. I hadn't had a dilemma like this before in my life. What if I did like her? I hadn't really had crushes before.
I thought I was broken as a teenager when all my friends were crushing on the pastor's son, but I thought he was nice to talk to. When he'd kissed me, it was sudden, unexpected and not really all that pleasant. It wasn't bad, but it didn't feel like a first kiss was supposed to. There was no butterflies, no mushy feelings it just was a rushed kiss behind the church.
I found myself staring at my phone again, hoping it would show me evidence of a reply from Taylor, but no dice.
I needed to talk to someone about this, it had my brain itching, like there were ants scrambling around in my skull. Kris and Matt were at work, Taylor was MIA and Dylan was at school. I thought for a moment and scrolled through my phone contacts for a while.
I lingered over the office number for Dr. Morgan. Whilst this was decidedly not an emergency nor a mental health crisis, it was bothering me and I needed advice, now. I listened to the phone ring for a few tones before the automated phone system picked up. I pressed button after button to finally speak to a receptionist.
"Um, Hi. This is Luna Samuels, I see Dr. Morgan, could I talk to her for a few minutes?"
The receptionist put me through to Dr. Morgan's office phone. The landline crackled as the older woman greeted me with concern. "Hi Luna, are you okay? What's on your mind?"
"Um, yeah.. I'm okay, kinda. Um. I'm sorry to bother you with this right now, I'm sure you have other patients but I just didn't have anyone to talk to about this." I started to ramble immediately, I felt a bit silly calling my therapist to talk about 'girl problems.'
"Luna, slow down! You're not interrupting me, I'm actually between patients right now. What's going on?"
I tried to breathe and focus on my wording as I spoke. "Um, you know how I was raised in the church? Well, I befriended this girl and she's a lesbian." It sounded even more laughable as I was talking to the doctor and I tried to still my heart as it crashed against my ribcage.
Maria's confusion was palpable over the phone, there was a long pause before she answered. "Yes, Taylor I think you said her name was. The one that helped you with your scholarship applications."
The events of this morning jumped to the forefront of my mind and I couldn't help my pride. "I actually got a scholarship for five thousand dollars this morning. I was gonna tell you the next time we had an appointment, but since we're on the phone... I might as well tell you now."
"Oh, Luna, congratulations! That is a very big step for you. But something tells me that's not the reason you called me today."
I winced. "Yeah, you're right. Um, so, Taylor has helped me with a lot of stuff.. and she hasn't talked to me since my friend Matt was kinda mean to her, but I think I may have offended her and I think she likes me." The words came tumbling out of my mouth fast, a typhoon of word vomit. "And the problem is, I think I might like her, but I don't know and it's freaking me out."
There was another long pause and I heard a soft chuckle on the other end of the line. Muffled as if she'd tried to hide it behind her hand. Dr. Morgan cleared her throat and began to speak. "I think you may be overthinking this a bit, Luna. If you are asking yourself if you like her, I think you may already know the answer."
I thought about her words for a moment before I answered. "But why does it feel so wrong then, and why did it take me so long to notice? I don't think I'm gay..." I trailed off.
"Luna, you have grown up in a religion that has taught you that even thinking about sex is shameful, when in reality it is a normal rite of passage every adult goes through. Instead of encouraging you to explore your sexuality, you were forced to repress it. It doesn't mean you're necessarily a lesbian. Sexuality and gender is a spectrum and there are many different variations."
I took a grounding breath and focused on what she was saying. Could all the years in the church be making me repress how I feel about Taylor? What did I even feel towards Taylor?
"You could be attracted to all genders, or none at all. You won't know what you want out of life until you explore the possibilities. I'm not saying you should go out and jump headfirst into a relationship with this girl, but think about how you feel when she looks at you, if you think the two of you would be compatible. Talk to her, see if she feels the same way. The worst she can tell you is no." What she was saying made sense but seemed too simple.
"What if I have it all wrong and she doesn't really like me? What if I just make it awkward and it ruins our friendship?" I tried to withhold my doubts, but the whispers of my anxiety in the back of my mind were too strong to ignore.
"Then she wasn't meant to be in your life long term. If this girl really cares about you, she will tell you she's not interested and things won't change much. It may be a little awkward at first, but you'll find your way."
I smiled, despite my reservations I did feel a little better about the situation. "Thank you, Dr. Morgan. I'll let you get back to your patients now."
"Anytime, Luna. You have a good weekend and I'll see you Monday." The line went dead shortly after that and I ended the call.
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