It was hours later when I finally got a reply from Taylor. I was seated out on the porch, enjoying the crisp breeze in the chilly December air. The sun hung lazily in the midday sky, the occasional cloud breaking the seemingly endless blue.
It never got truly cold in the winter here, at least compared to the north. It would get chilly enough for a jacket and sometimes there would be frost on the ground, but it rarely snowed. Truth be told, I quite liked the fall and winter months here.
Looking at my notifications, I saw the text from Taylor. 'I'm not great right now, parents have been fighting again and I hate it here. been working a lot to get tf out of the house.'
That made a lot of sense and I felt a bit silly for reading so much into her absence. She had mentioned that her parents liked to fight and that couldn't be easy to live with. It hadn't really even been that long since we had talked, however it was jarring to go from talking and seeing each other all the time to not talking for a while.
'I'm sorry, that has to suck. If you ever want to get away, you're always welcome to hang over here.' I hoped that sounded appropriate as I sent my reply. I didn't know if she'd ever want to come back to my house after the tense situation with Matt and Kris the other day.
'I might. just maybe not when your friends are home. they don't seem to like me much.' I frowned, I knew how it felt to be out of place. Biting my lip, I nervously typed up a reply.
'Well, they're not home today.'
I held my breath, waiting for Taylor's rebuttal. I wasn't really expecting her to come over and I wasn't even sure if I wanted her to. I had just unearthed potential feelings for her I hadn't really even had a chance to process. I felt like I was at the top of a rollercoaster, my stomach in my chest, waiting for the drop.
'I get off in an hour. See you soon'
Shit..
I spent the hour and a half before Taylor arrived frantically overthinking everything I wanted to say to her. I wanted to spill my guts, be open and honest about my thoughts earlier and see where it went. On the other hand, I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do about my newfound thoughts.
I paced around the living room, trying to collect myself.
I wasn't sure if I even liked girls. And here I was, wanting to tell her my revelations. What would I even say? 'Hey, I think I might like you but I've never even had a crush on someone before.' It sounded ridiculous even in the safety of my mind.
What if she did like me? What if I opened that door, and then found out I was wrong? That I didn't like girls, then what? I'd break her heart over a fleeting whim?
I tried to take Dr. Morgan's word to heart but it just seemed entirely too simple. There were so many things that could go wrong. Taylor was the first person outside of my old church friends and the Wooding siblings that had taken a liking to me. I really didn't want to mess that up if I was wrong.
The sound of Taylor's Camry pulling up in the yard startled me out of my self-depreciating thoughts. The pit of my stomach surged with nerves and I steeled myself as I walked to the door to let her in.
I opened the door to see Taylor coming through the gate, her cerulean curls were flattened, as if they had been under a hat for a long time, presumably part of her work uniform. She didn't look well, her face was tired. As she made her way up to the porch I could see that her usually vibrant eyes had bags underneath them and were lacking their usual spark.
Despite her haggard appearance, I gave Taylor what I hoped was a gentle smile.
She returned my smile with one of her own, but I could see it didn't meet her eyes. "Hey, how are you?" She asked conversationally.
I motioned for her to come inside before I answered. "I'm doing really well, I have something to show you!"
She gave me a slightly suggestive smirk and I had to steady myself. Usually I brushed off her attempts at flirting as annoying, but this one made my cheeks pink.
"Nothing like that!" I chastised, trying to sound normal. "I got an email this morning."
I pulled my phone from my sweatpants and pulled up the email, handing her my phone so she could read my acceptance letter.
Taylor's lips pursed as she read the screen, eyes darting over the words. When she read the bit about my scholarship, her eyes nearly bugged out of her head. "Holy shit! HOLY SHIT! Luna! That's awesome!"
She crushed me into a tight bear hug and I couldn't help but notice how much shorter she was then me. The tip of her curls tickled my nose and her head fit comfortably under my chin. The thought made my pink cheeks explode into red and I cleared my throat trying to collect myself.
Taylor took this as her cue to pull away and she looked down. "Uh.. sorry. I just got excited is all."
Seeing her slightly forlorn look, I changed the subject. "Uh, it's okay. I figured you'd be excited too. I wanted to tell you in person because you helped me so much. Really, Taylor, I couldn't have done it without you. Thank you."
Taylor perked up a bit at my praise, but she tried to look nonchalant. "Oh, yeah, well... it's the least I could do. You seemed like you were really struggling and I couldn't help myself. Damsel in distress and all that." She teased.
I rolled my eyes and chuckled, trying to avoid the barrage of thoughts in the back of my mind. She flirted with me often, but from what I had heard, she flirted with anything that vaguely resembled a human female. "I'm decidedly not a damsel, but I was definitely distressed."
"I mean, to be fair, you probably haven't ever had to do a lot of these things before. You clearly had the talent to win an essay contest, you just needed a nudge in the right direction." Taylor absentmindedly smoothed her black shirt, wrinkled from a long day of work.
"Yeah, the only problem now is deciding what I want to study in college." I scratched the back of my hair nervously, not sure of what to say. I had convinced Taylor to come over, but now that she was here I wasn't sure of what to do with myself.
"That part will come with time. I didn't know what the hell I wanted to do as a career. I spent my first two years doing all my basic college stuff, you know, college level math and English, all that jazz. In high school, I volunteered at an animal shelter, so when I got to the end of my initial schooling, I decided to do all my electives in veterinary medicine. I want to be a vet tech and work with animals. It took me almost 2 years to figure it out." She gave me a reassuring pat on the shoulder, the touch made my pulse quicken ever so slightly.
"You'll get there, Luna. Just branch out, look at things that interest you that you could see doing as a career. Volunteer, research your ideas, figure out who you are and where you want to be in five to ten years. Don't sweat it now." She smiled at me.
I suppose the look on my face wasn't very convincing as I nodded.
She chewed on her bottom lip for a moment in thought. "You know, we could go look up some career paths on your computer and give you an idea of where to start."
There was no good place to set my laptop up in the main house. The battery was old and going out so it couldn't be unplugged for a long period of time, which meant I usually kept it plugged into the wall. All the outlets in the main house, if they worked, already had countless things plugged in. The only good option to be able to set up my laptop was on my bed. The thought of Taylor in my room made me a little embarrassed. The trailer was at least furnished- my room, aside from my dresser, bed and numerous stuffed animals, was rather bare.
Despite my reservations, I nodded. "That sounds like a good idea to me, but we have to go to my room. There's no good place for me to plug in my laptop out here."
Taylor gave me a impish grin, but didn't say whatever perverted thing that was on her mind. I led her through the singlewide and to my room, opening the door and fishing my laptop from the underside of my bed. Taylor lingered in the doorway for a moment, taking in the pale walls of my humble abode.
"Uh, you can come sit on the bed, if you want." I offered, in hope of making things a bit less awkward.
She slowly walked over to the corner of my bed and sat on the edge as I booted up my computer. I noticed that the way she was sitting, she couldn't see the laptop screen. I shifted my weight to slide over to the corner between my bed and the wall so Taylor could sit beside me.
Slowly but surely, the blue-haired girl scooted closer to me till we were sitting nearly shoulder-to-shoulder on my twin mattress. If it was hard to think before, now it was nearly impossible. I stared at the home screen of my laptop for a long time, no words would come to my brain of what to type in the search bar.
Taylor, oblivious to my nerves, glanced at me. "So, what do you like to do for fun?"
'Overthink, clearly'. Was my sarcastic retort, but avoid further questioning, I simply picked at my nails while I thought of a reply. "Uh, well, I like to write in my notebook. It's kind of like a diary, but my therapist has me do it to express my feelings."
Taylor's brows knit together as she thought. "Hmm.. that's good. You could go for a Creative Writing class, if you like it, you could be a writer. Or you could do journalism. What else?"
"I like to cook. I don't get to do a lot of actual cooking at work, but I used to love helping my mom cook for church events." I felt a little silly at my lack of marketable skills, but Taylor seemed to see the best in them.
"That's another good one. You could do a culinary class and see if that's your jam. Let's look up some cooking-related jobs." Taylor took the mouse from me and typed culinary jobs into the search bar.
Instantly, hundreds of job postings in the area cropped up, everything from line cooks in chain eateries to gourmet chefs in prestigious restaurants. Taylor refined her search to 'What college do you need to be a chef?' It wasn't a very grammatically correct query, but it popped up the desired results.
"Hmm, looks like you only need a couple years in a culinary program and a few food safety certificates. That wouldn't be bad."
I was very happy that Taylor was helping me search for potential career paths, but it was hard to focus on anything with her this close to me. All the questions from earlier were burning at the forefront of my mind. I tried my best to feign interest, seeing as how we were discussing my future, but my distraction must have shown on my face.
"Dude, what is with you, you've been acting weird since I got here.." Taylor's brow was raised as she looked at me. We were uncomfortably close, I could see the outline of her full lashes and the smattering of freckles across her nose.
I immediately tried to cover up my real train of thought, offering a diversion. "I'm just worried about you."
Taylor's confusion marred her angular features. "What do you mean?"
"I mean the stuff with your parents. Are you safe?" I tried to keep her on track, fidgeting with the strings on my hoodie.
Now it was her turn to be defensive. She tried to look casual, but the bags under her eyes gave away how tired she truly was. "I'm fine, those two are always at each other's throats. Usually it doesn't bug me that much, when they're fighting it leaves less time for them to pick on me."
Her façade faltered for a moment. "It's just hard to do anything else with them screaming at each other in the background." Her focus returned to me and her eyes narrowed. "Are you sure that's all, though? You've been really jumpy since I got here."
My diversion clearly did not last long. I cursed her mentally for being so damn perceptive.
She looked sad again as she turned away from me." I know I probably freaked you out the other day."
Freaked me out.. Is that what she thought of our conversation the other day? That she made me uncomfortable?
"No, no, it's not that. I just.. I have a really hard time breaking out of the church mindset sometimes. Hell, I think you're the first person in my life that isn't straight. And yes, I admit, it was a little weird at first. Back home, even if you were gay, you didn't say anything to anyone about it, because otherwise you lost everything. I knew so many people that came out and got thrown out on the street. To see someone that's comfortable in their sexuality is a little different is all." My explanation was true, but I hoped Taylor couldn't see through me avoiding the crux of the issue.
"I kinda figured, but I don't think me flirting with you all the time helped with that transition, either." Taylor ran a hand through her curls, causing them to poof up and go in every direction. "Dammit, I need a haircut."
I chuckled at the welcome interruption. "It made me feel weird when you first started, yeah. But it doesn't really bother me now."
Externally, I tried to look unbothered, but inside my head a war was raging. Part of me wanted to spill my guts, like Dr. Morgan said, but the other part of me was terrified of the repercussions. Still, she had openly admitted to me that she was flirting with me, didn't that mean she had to have some interest?
I swallowed the growing lump in my throat and braced myself for what I was about to say. "I uh.. actually kind of like it, sometimes."
The older girl had nearly fallen off the bed, the look of shock on her face made me smile. Taylor stammered a few times before the words would come out correctly. "What!? This whole time I pegged you as a straight girl."
My heart was hammering against my ribcage and threatened to burst out of my chest. "Well, uh, you see.." I choked on my words, trying to make sense. "I don't know if I'm really straight. I don't know if I'm gay, either. I haven't really had a relationship with anyone, honestly."
Her shock turned into a playful smile and she leaned a little closer. The warmth that had my cheeks pink ignited into an inferno and I instinctively leaned away. Taylor's smile faltered a little, but she didn't pull away, instead her hazel eyes swirled with emotion. As close as she was, I wondered if she could hear my heart's frantic beating.
I both wanted her closer and farther away. I wanted to hide my face into the pillow and scream. I wanted to laugh, cry, throw up and disappear into the mattress. Her eyes burned into mine and I was afraid to breathe.
"Can I kiss you?"
The question caught me off guard. The pastor's son had never asked my permission, nor had I ever seen that in any romance movie. It seemed downright bizarre, but it made my stomach tighten and do funny little flips.
I couldn't speak, but nodded my head ever so slightly.
With my approval, Taylor leaned down and captured my lips with hers.
It was unlike anything I had ever felt, like every fiber of my being came to life in this moment. A strange feeling pooled in the bottom of my stomach and I couldn't help myself. I ran my fingers through her curls and found them to be silky and soft. As her lips moved against mine, her hand cupped my cheek, her other hand snaking around my waist and pulling me in closer.
We parted a second later and she pulled back, ever so slightly, searching my face for something I couldn't place. Her eyes were dark, and she took in my flushed cheeks and my breath coming out in short pants.
She kissed me again. This time, I was ready and kissed her back clumsily, not knowing exactly what to do I let her lead. Her lips moved expertly over my own, her hands running all over my body.
All too soon, she leaned away from me and looked at me for a long time, desire in her eyes. She stood abruptly and stormed out the door. Dazed, for a moment I sat haphazardly draped over my bed before coming to my senses and running after her.
Before I could make it to the living room, I could hear her Camry tearing out of the driveway.
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