235Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDpJJs8mdTN
he's weird. he has a unique type of style, not sure if it's streetwear or just old skater clothes from the 2000s his suicidal older cousin gave him. he has black hair which he attempted to bleach the tips blonde but it just made it an ugly orangey color. his eyes are pretty, I guess so. they are an icy blue, like a teal blue. like the taste of mint gum when you drink water- type of blue. you may be wondering why I'm talking about this guy, I hate him. I hate him so much. he plays the stupid electric guitar and when he doesn't scare kids away he's surprisingly good with them. he gave me an old ring, but it turned my finger green. "if you hate him so much, why are you typing this huge paragraph about him?" you may ask. well, I don't really know. it's late at night. I have this theory that if it's past 12 at night half of your brain (the thinking part) shuts down, and you just become an irrational crazy person.
03/23/2013, michaela s.
235Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHWoKALrYlM
ethan said i was crazy today at school. we sat under the big tree in the back of the school where everyone goes to make out, and i made fun of his hair.
235Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ59F9kwNETf
"it looks like a fucking mop. who died and made you edgelord of the year, mr. emo?" He rolled his eyes.
"It's not my fault that my hair is curly and that my cousin dyed it like that a couple weeks ago."
he took his phone out, I assumed he was going to play games.
"that doesn't look good on you. the curls, I mean." he turned his head and looked up at me, squinting.
"your eyebrows are thick, and your eyelashes are long. you would look so much better without them." he rolled his eyes.
"i would rather not have one of my friends say i look better without eyebrows."
he turned to the left.
"we aren't friends, michaela. we barely know each other."
"i can say you look better without your eyebrows because we are friends. we talk every day. you come over to my house. you've even seen me without eyebrows before, so it's not like it's anything new." I took his phone away and held it above his head.
"fine, fine. we are friends. can i have my phone back?"
"nope. not until you tell me i look good without my eyebrows." he rolled his eyes.
"whatever."
he turned and grabbed the phone from my hand and stuffed it into his backpack.
"fuck you, ethan." i stood up and began walking home.
"wait, michaela, don't leave." i didn't bother turning around.
"bye, ethan."
i think ethan's hot, though. his personality could use some work.
03/26/2013, michaela s.
235Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuIvYxxMEap
kayla called me. i picked up, and he started talking about how ethan had been telling his friends about me, and how i'm a bitch. he kept talking, and talking, and i couldn't hang up. i wanted to, but i couldn't.
i wondered why ethan was talking about me to his friends,
but i didn't say anything. i couldn't say anything. i could only hear him speak,
and i hated him so much for it.
he was always like this. he would find something to pick on, and then he would bring it up to his friends.
they were all assholes, anyway.
i'm glad kayla got his ass.
04/05/2013, michaela s.
235Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9K3jeANCO6
i think i'm going to write a story about a girl and a boy who are complete opposites, and how their love could never work.
i think it could be funny.
04/08/2013, michaela s.
235Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡizVSS9ufsh
ethan stopped coming to school. i tried asking people about it, and they all said the same thing.
"his family moved, i think. he's not here anymore."
i hope he's not dead.
i wish he was here.
05/09/2013, michaela s.
235Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkc1mkDRKfU
hey. i think i'm gonna write a book. it'll be about a girl who is in love with her best friend, and she has a lot of other things to worry about. like how her mom's dead, and she has no family. and how she's in love with a boy who can't reciprocate her feelings.
it'll be funny, i think.
07/02/2013, michaela s.
235Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA45pkUeACV
the school counselor said i could go to college if i wrote a story about myself, and how i was feeling.
i want to go to college.
my name is michaela suzanne stevens. i'm 16, and i live with my grandma and uncle.
i'm in love with ethan.
ethan is the boy who moved a couple months ago, and i can't stop thinking about him.
my mom died, and i'm not sure what happened. i was 6, and now i'm 16.
i have to finish this by the end of summer.
08/01/2013, michaela s.
235Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGPJY1MH3kf
the way he left me alone without warning. i teased him for his stupid hair, and now he's gone.
i think about him a lot,
how i would tell him my feelings,
how i would kiss him,
how his lips would feel on mine.
i can't get him off my mind,
the way he left me alone.
without a warning,
without a goodbye.
he was everything to me,
everything i could ever dream of.
but now, he's gone.
09/04/2013, michaela s.
235Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCoUe6VVSWV
this morning when i woke up, it felt like everything had changed.
i saw the sky. it was grey, and gloomy. it was a perfect reflection of me.
i walked outside. the grass was green, and the air smelled like the rain.
i sat outside for a while, on the wet bench.
it reminded me of the way he left.
everything reminds me of him.
the rain, the bench, the air.
they all remind me of him.
10/29/2013, michaela s.
235Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR8RCmdeV9F
i finished the story.
my grandma took me out to dinner to celebrate, and then we went shopping for more notebooks.
my therapist said i have depression, but i'm okay.
she said i'll have it for a long time, and that i'll always feel sad.
i can't wait to leave.
11/02/2013, michaela s.
235Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE6Qqj0yph7
ethan's birthday is coming up soon. i'm sure he's having a party, and that he has a girlfriend.
i still remember the last day he spoke, and how he called me a bitch to his friends. i don't think I'm a bitch, am i a bitch? tell me, am i seriously a bitch?
i wonder if he has a girlfriend, what kind of girls does he like?
i hope his girlfriend knows that he likes boys too.
12/10/2013, michaela s.
235Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBoNnFuLr3f
the holidays are always a hard time for me.
the weather is colder, the snow is harsher.
the lights are brighter, the music is louder.
there's always something wrong. what's wrong with me?
why can't i be normal.
i haven't texted ethan since april 15th, asking him where the fuck he went.
our last texts before he left me were about how he wanted to go abroad to south america or something and take his electric guitar and lead a double life. i hope his dreams don't come true.
i hope he remembers my face and remembers how id always wait for him
everyday, even on the days when we both didn't go to school.
i wonder if he ever misses me.
i hope so.
12/21/2013, michaela s.
235Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsEX7gK1udI
new year's eve.
my therapist said it would be good for me to start using my last name.
it feels weird.
my mom didn't have a last name. she never told me what it was.
12/31/2013, michaela stevens.
235Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ4SHylhdlC
my grandma would always say,
"you should always be grateful,
even if you're poor,
even if your family is shit.
you should always be grateful.
it's the new year.
it's a brand new beginning, a brand new chapter in the story of life."
and she would continue,
"life is hard, and it will continue to be hard.
you will suffer.
you will cry,
and scream,
and break down.
you will hate,
and love,
and want,
and need,
but you should always be grateful.
it's the new year."
i'll never forget those words.
thank you, grandma.
01/03/2014, michaela s.
235Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf1ehEvRb9F
i had to change schools, and i can't wait.
i'm excited.
02/05/2014, michaela s.
235Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU6uw3DR9oV
there are these kids at school who bully the others, and it's stupid.
they're stupid.
they remind me of ethan.
it's not the same, though.
they're worse.
and i mean, ethan wasn't really a bully, he just teased me. he had to like me a little bit to keep me around for so long.
02/08/2014, michaela.
235Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlcPR7inZmo
there's this guy. his name is jay.
he has brown hair, and it's curly.
his eyes are a bright blue, like the sky. he has a smile, and a nice face.
he's friends with one of the bullies, and i don't like him.
his friend is named dylan, and he's really tall and buff. he's intimidating, but not as much as his friends.
jay sat across from me in the cafeteria, i kept to myself and looked down at the book.
"hey, you're michaela, right?"
i looked up.
"yeah, what do you want."
"oh, nothing. i'm jay. what book are you reading?"
i rolled my eyes.
"nothing, you wouldn't know it."
"what's the name of it?"
i slammed the book closed and stuffed it into my backpack.
"you're a bully. you and your friends are all bullies. don't try and get close to me."
he looked confused, and then looked over at his friend.
"is she talking about me and dylan? we aren't bullies, we're just popular."
i stood up, and threw my bag over my shoulder.
"yeah sure you're popular. you antagonize people. you're the same people who ethan hung out with, you're worse than ethan."
"are you feeling unwell? whos ethan?"
"forget it. just leave me alone, jay. i don't want to deal with your shit."
he sighed, and leaned back into the chair.
"whatever"
i hate when people say 'whatever'.
02/17/2014, michaela s.
235Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9myEtxiSdv
jay won't leave me alone. he follows me, trying to make fun of me to his friends. he's always critiquing me and trying to tell me jokes.
i hate him i really dislike him.
he told me i was a weirdo for talking about the guy who killed himself. i don't know who 'the guy who killed himself' is.
i'm sure he's referring to ethan, but it's not like ethan's dead.
"i mean, i haven't seen him in a long time, but he can't be dead." i had said.
"who are you talking about, michaela." he had said.
"you're so stupid, jay. are you trying to trick me or something? i'm not stupid, ethan can't be dead."
"i never said anyone was dead, michaela."
"oh, you know his name? well, maybe you are a bully. you know ethan. you and your stupid fucking friends can stop making fun of me. i get it. i'm ugly and weird and poor, and my grandma died, and no one gives a shit. can you just leave me the fuck alone? please? for the love of god, stop picking on me. can you please stop?"
"i'm sorry, michaela. we can leave you alone. i didn't know it would affect you so much. i'll leave you alone, okay?"
03/17/2014, michaela s.
235Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbdajfhpMcp
ethan was my best friend. he was the only person who cared about me, and now he's gone.
and no one knows.
no one knows how important he was to me.
they just know his name.
07/03/2014, michaela s.
235Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnU7iYgDzeC
235Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ6eQtvsW0l
he was weird. he had a unique type of style, not sure if it was streetwear or just old skater clothes from the 2000s his suicidal older cousin gave him. he had black hair which he attempted to bleach the tips blonde but it just made it an ugly orangey color. his eyes were pretty, I guess so. they were an icy blue, like a teal blue. like the taste of mint gum when you drink water- type of blue. you may be wondering why I'm talking about this guy, I hate him. I hate him so much. he played the stupid electric guitar and when he didn't scare kids away he was surprisingly good with them. he gave me an old ring, but it turned my finger green. "if you hate him so much, why are you typing this huge paragraph about him?" you may ask. well, I don't really know. it's late at night. I have this theory that if it's past 12 at night half of your brain (the thinking part) shuts down, and you just become an irrational crazy person.
08/23/2014, michaela
