I have selective mutism. look into it if you really want to understand.
it weighed on me heavily as a kid. I couldn't speak to teachers at school. i was young so not being able to speak to ask to go to the toilet was a problem. i couldn't ask for what I needed. every day was scary. but it was confusing i guess because I could always talk to kids my age and non stop talk with my family
I can't speak right now and that's really really strange. It hasn't happened in so so long.
I will admit I forget about this part of my life. it's never something I think of if you ask me about my past. i don't know why. I guess it was just normal for me.
I saw an awareness post the other day that made me remember.. 'shit I do have SM'
as I got older I was able to speak to everyone. adult, child. i was "normal" in that sense. but I developed social anxiety. (or what I've been calling it for years until I saw that post.)
I freeze when I'm asked to make a phone call to a company for anything. I just stop dead in my tracks not moving because.. god I can't speak. my mouth is dry and my vocal cords seem to be crumbling.
and It's seen as being stubborn but man I couldn't move. but it's true that maybe if you asked me the same thing on another random day.. for some reason I'd be able to do it just fine
same with ordering food at the counter. sometimes I can do it other days I just can't move. I'm stuck.
this is what I've been calling social anxiety for years of my life.
but that post described the exact feeling and said that it was part of selective mutism. honestly i thought that SM was something I just stopped having. Really I thought it ended. Thought it stopped when everyone became someone I could talk to.
but it's a part of me still and I'm not sure how to feel. Maybe people will understand better and not get so fed up. Really I'm not sure.
I guess I like that even after everything I'm still learning things about myself.
it's a bit scary too. but it makes sense now. I didn't just grow a new branch of anxiety. It was just a part of me I've always carried. A part of me I thought I left behind
but now I'll be sure to hold this part of me gently
she deserves it after all this time
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