19781011
Dear Linda,
I contemplated long on whether or not to actually write this letter but have decided to write it first anyways because the thought of not being able at least find something to vent on is eating into my brain slowly bit by bit. I've been told by my lawyers to not exchange any unnecessary communications with you, and have also been advised that I do not share anything to you without their explicit approval... Maybe I'll just write all of this out first before deciding whether or not to mail this to you.
We've known each other for 25 years now. From school, all the way to getting married, and now with Samantha away at university, Rachel and Emma reaching the later stages of their school lives. There's been fun times and some rough times.
I still remember the first date clearly. We went somewhere near the coast, pretty sure it was some cheap restaurant. I think you had some weird pasta and I had this peppercorn soy sauce chicken steak thing. We both didn't like the food, but neither of us said anything. We walked along the coastline, but not on the beach, because none of us wanted to get our feet dirty. We didn't say this, but sort of just quietly understood each other.
2 years later, we got married. I guess we just quietly understood each other the whole way through. I proposed, you said yes, and we signed the papers. It wasn't a long time after we graduated, but we both had stable jobs and just decided to go with it.
Then came Samantha. I feel guilty sometimes, with the way we raised her. We could've definitely done a better job, but I guess we were young, naive, and frankly didn't really know how to get ourselves together and find our place in the world, let alone bring up a child. Our "mutual understanding" didn't work with a third party, a baby at that. Thankfully she grew up to be clever, enduring, and most importantly independent.
Then there's Emma and Sabrina.
When the doctor first said it was twins, I was kind of shocked at first, but I remembered seeing the joy on your face, your eyes - I could see fireworks setting off in those brown pupils of yours. I think, you calmed me down a bit during that visit.
Emma and Sabrina we had an easier time with. Despite there being two of them, I think our experience with Samantha really came through. We split tasks better, we knew how to deal with tantrums better. We didn't just quietly understand each other, we communicated openly and honestly for what feels like the first time in our relationship.
That was the first time and probably the last time.
I knew you were with another man all throughout 1973 and 1974, I knew where you went on dates, I knew his home address. Matthew, wasn't it? I was told by a colleague, he was Matthew's next door neighbour. It's quite the coincidence. I was surprised myself.
I spent days and nights trying to convince myself it wasn't you. It was just someone else who shared the same name, dressed the same way you dressed, tied up your hair in the same ponytail you usually had your hair up in.
I let it slide. You had so much overtime work in the next few years, so many business trips, so many late nights. I wanted to confront you, but for the sake of Samantha, Emma, and Sabrina, I decided not to. At least not until they all grew up and became independent. Three years in, and Samantha was going to have be doing her A-levels soon and head off to university. She wanted to go to England. I knew we can both provide for her and that this wouldn't be a problem financially for us. Everything was looking good at that point and I didn't want to risk doing anything to rock the boat, because I knew, if I did, Samantha would be the first to fall off.
Samantha got into university, with the best score she could've gotten. Emma and Sabrina would be next up. In 2 years, they would be completing their A-levels, and in 2 years I would finally be able talk to you about your "indiscretions" with other men in the last half decade.
I had no one to turn to, but you. Maddeningly though, I promised myself to never ever talk to you about those "coincidences" and those "business trips" until both Emma and Sabrina moved onto university.
i think it was around a year ago? Sometime around that time. I decided that I had to find someone to talk to. Someone who can at least just listen to me vent, to hear me vomit out a word salad of thoughts and emotions. I couldn't tell any of my friends, after all we all knew each other. I turned to a new female colleague, Maggie. She joined earlier that year and was friendly and smart.
I told you I had a meeting with a new colleague. You told me you were busy at work as the boss had a full schedule at night, and wouldn't be home anyways.
I couldn't think of a place to take Maggie, so I just settled on a random cafe nearby work.
She listened intently, and although she didn't really give much advice on situation, it felt like the metaphorical weight had been lifted off my shoulders. The barbell of emotions that was days away from crushing me had been lifted off by Maggie, though technically you could argue that she really didn't do anything meaningful after all.
Little did I know, by pure coincidence, you were there buying a takeaway coffee before noticing me. A brand-new barbell, now loaded with way more weights than before, came crashing down.
You went straight to me, your brown pupils glazed over with anger and disbelief. Maggie left, maybe out of sheer awkwardness. You could've cut the tension with a knife at that point, even the cafe staff were staring and gossiping about us from distance. We were the stars of our little limited-edition show.
I promised I had nothing to do with Maggie, but you didn't believe me.
We sat the kids down and each told our own side of the story. I didn't want to disclose what you did in the past. Maybe I should've, because while Emma believed my story, Sabrina went with yours.
You wanted to move out, so you took Sabrina and just left out of the blue. I came home to Emma, sitting alone in the living room bawling her eyes out.
I can't say I don't understand things from your perspective, but I would really just want some clarity over the entire situation, and why you acted the way you did. But if you can, please just reach out to me sometime. I really want to have a long talk with you about the matter. Sabrina and Emma are going to university soon, and I'd really want to discuss finances and logistics of this move. I don't want to involve them over this, and would appreciate if you won't either.
Mail me or call me or something. Please.
Joe
ns 15.158.61.6da2
