“I never would have married you if I’d known the truth about the Sanguis Project,” Lin said, inclining her brunette bob until it seemed she was addressing Estin’s feet. “You realize that, don’t you?”396Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpSdwrsWo4y
Estin crossed his arms, shrugged. He leaned against the kitchen counter, but restlessly changed position until he was standing with his hands in his trouser pockets. He was wearing the cream suit Lin’s father had given him nearly a year ago. He looked like he had just been stabbed through the heart. The wine was still soaking into his blazer. At this rate, it would never come out. The suit was unsalvageable, just like his marriage bleeding out in front of him.
Lin looked up. “Defend yourself,” she said icily. “No—you feel no need, don’t you? Every action you make is deliberate. It’s your puppet master I should be confronting.”
Estin winced. He ran a frustrated hand over his buzzed scalp. There was a pressure in his nose and he felt powerless. She was right. Lin had always been the sharper half. She always knew what to say. She was a diplomat after all. She also knew exactly what to say to render him completely inert. He had read her well enough in the past that he could usually tell if she meant anything she said. But today was different. She was sharper than normal, but it was a raw sharpness—a jagged knife she had trussed up from somewhere in her past—a place set before he had met her, when she was half-formed. He was as unable to read her at this moment as if they had met only seconds ago. 396Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEfI6nEx4s7
Mentally floating, he recalled when they had first met. He remembered the pangs of jealousy he had initially felt towards her friends and family. They had things with Lin that he couldn’t touch—feelings and memories. And who was he to be jealous? Of course he couldn’t touch those things. He hadn’t been in her life, to begin with. For another thing, it wasn’t his place to be her family and her friends. It was his place to be her sanctuary. That was all that was expected of him. But oh, how he had wanted so much to be more than just “husband”. He had wanted to envelope her—possess every bit of her.
He simply loved her.
Had she ever loved him back? Surely she had said it in the past. He just couldn’t recall when she had said it. Early on? Drunkenly? Whispered in the crook of his neck three months ago? On honeymoon? Had he imagined all of it? Had she only shown him through action? Maybe she had shown him nothing.
“Estin,” Lin prompted. “You knew from the start, didn’t you?”
He shook his head ardently, deliberately.
“How long have you known?” she asked, her voice quavering only slightly.
“It’s always been vague,” he said, his words were strong and evenly placed, but his pace was slow and thoughtful. “But something clicked yesterday. It’s like the security around it expired just suddenly. I just… I’m sorry for how it all came out. I had no control. I knew the chip existed, but I thought it was there for protection against this sort of thing. That’s the… feeling it gave off.” Internally, he rolled his eyes in despair. You fool. Listening to you, even I wouldn’t believe it! A chip in your brain made you feel safe? A sure sign you are inhuman after all.
Lin watched him intently the entire time he spoke, her eyes watching his, flicking to his lips periodically, glancing at his gestures. Did she want to believe him? Her icy countenance betrayed only cold malice. She was every bit a woman scorned. But she was done throwing wine glasses. She was done thrashing… for now. Estin knew he was only in the eye of her storm.
Lin finally said, “I put too much faith in this program. I can’t even talk to you without thinking my words are being scrutinized…” Her bob dipped again and she said to his feet, “Estin, I… I thought this was real. I thought everything was real.” She looked up and said to his face, “You were real… but now, I’m not so sure.”
Estin shook his head, but this time it was flustered, frustrated. “Have I ever pretended to be human? Haven’t I always referred to myself as artificial? Have I ever deceived you in that regard?”
Lin’s heart-shaped face squeezed into violent incredulity. “Excuse me? You’re a glorified wiretap! I agreed to this under the condition that you were completely autonomous—an independent Free Learner. You’re—you were meant to be a bridge… of trust more than anything.” She waved her hand to the side as if brushing cobwebs from her path. She turned away from him. “I believed for just a second. I believed for a moment in time that it was possible. Not just for me to love something other than myself… but also that you were…” She held her shoulders and shrugged. “I don’t know. More.”
Estin stood still, watching the back of her downturned head. He rubbed the stubble growing in on the side of his face and his blue irises flashed like an animal in the dark as they refreshed. He closed his eyes and tucked his chin. There was nothing he could do to stop her from making him leave. There was nothing he could say. He loved her so much, and he knew that much was not a part of his initial design. He was meant to be her sanctuary—her companion. But in the brief time they had been together, Lin had become his sanctuary more than anything else. He wanted to be nowhere other than by her side.
“You know I wanted to be more,” he finally said towards the kitchen tiles. He opened his eyes and saw that Lin had turned somewhat to study him. “I still do.”
Lin shook her head, the ice melting into warm apathy. “The dream is over,” she said quietly. “And I want to know who woke me up. I’ll talk to Doctor Marshal in the morning. If this isn’t his doing, then maybe… No. Never mind. I don’t want to fix this. I want you to go away. I’ll find out who did this to me.”
Estin’s heart contracted unevenly, skipping a beat. The panic was rising, but he knew that anything he said meant nothing to her. It’s just my programming. It’s not real desperation, he thought. None of this is really happening to me. Because I don’t really exist.
“Who would want to see me vulnerable? Who has an interest in destroying my social life?” Lin wondered aloud. “Too many people, that’s who. And the robot doesn’t know who took remote control of him to make him say those things at dinner. But of course not, because that would be too easy… Who would go so far? Who would wait a year to strike? Someone on the inside? Someone in charge? Someone now on the lam? But why now? The election isn’t for another year. No deals on the table… Then, a personal vendetta?” She was ignoring Estin. She seemed to already be striking him from the record of her memory. The robot… Soon his existence would be filed away with her past commuter cars. Last year’s phone model will be remembered with more fondness. Maybe she would forget him entirely.
“It wasn’t Doctor Marshal,” Estin said quietly. “It would go against his motivations—to see artificially made humans on equal ground as born human beings. He wouldn’t do anything that had the potential to hurt that dream.”
Lin glanced at him, once again icy. “Who else had access prior to your activation?”
He shook his head. “I don’t know. I only know who worked with me after I first woke up. You know that.” After a moment’s pause, he began doffing his blazer. He loosened his tie and said, “What about Doctor Lybinus? I never trusted her. As I recall, the two of you never did get along either. There’s something off about her. She’s manipulative… and she would benefit personally by destroying our relationship.”
“We had an arrangement,” Lin said distractedly. “We were never in a relationship. That was the façade, Estin, and it was a thin one. Even the media saw it as a publicity stunt… but you may be right about Lybinus.” She blinked rapidly for a moment. “I had forgotten about her.”
Estin pulled off his tie. Horrific existential dread was beginning to seep into the marrow of his bones, but he processed the escalating thoughts with bitter detachment. Will they kill me? Will they pull me apart while I’m still aware of everything? It would make sense. Why bother turning things off before dismantling me? Just skip that step. I’m not alive anyway—not really. I breathe. I eat. I bleed. I can be hijacked. Therefore, I am an artificial human being. I was given to Elinor last year as a companion—like a seeing eye dog for the socially inept. It was meant to assuage the public. She was a single woman holding an office meant for someone with more experience. For all her cunning—for all she knew about other people—she knew next to nothing about herself. And then, there was the proposal from Doctor Lydia Lybinus. Marriage. The only good idea to come out of her… and now even that suggestion is being called into question. She would want things to fall apart because she was rejected by Doctor Marshal and the Sanguis Project. She wanted me. Doctor Marshal told me in private she was too unstable, too dependent. She wouldn’t have benefitted from a companion like me. Lin guessed as much in our late night talks. Lin, by comparison… was perfect. I was made for her. But what does that matter anymore?
He undid the buttons of his dress shirt and laid it over one of the dining room chairs. He undid his belt and laid it across the wine-stained blouse. Lin watched his agitated movements. She used to look at him with such spellbound wonder, but now she coldly assessed him like the animated experiment he was. If there is a god, will He accept me in death? Estin wondered. Or is there no afterlife waiting for me? Is my soul artificial too? Estin put both of his hands to his face and massaged his temples to calm himself just a bit more. “I’m sorry,” he said gruffly. “I didn’t want this.”
“I know you didn’t,” Lin said indifferently. She slipped out of her shoes and kicked them under the table. She pulled her dinner jacket off and laid it on top of his shirt and belt. She tucked a loose strand of hair behind an ear and said, “I’m sorry too.” Then, after a moment, she shook her head like she was shaking an idea away. She pointed to the adjacent dining chair and commanded him to sit down.
He did so without question, slipping down into the expensive chair—one of six that they had picked out together shortly after their nuptials. He started a bit when he felt Lin’s cool fingers on his warm scalp, kneading the tense muscles wrapped around the back of his head and neck. He wanted to weep. He felt useless. What had he done to deserve such an empty purpose? Love her? She doesn’t even want to be loved.
“The truth about the Sanguis Project…” Estin mumbled under his stolen pleasure. “I am vulnerable to remote control. That was Doctor Marshal’s dirty secret. He kept that even from me… But I don’t think he meant for it to be abused. Maybe he felt it was a failsafe, Lin. Something to stop me if I ever… I don’t know.” He let his chin touch his chest as Lin kissed the back of his neck. “I’m not capable of hurting you, but what about someone else? What if something had happened to you and I had wanted swift justice? I am capable of great violence.”
“We’re all capable of great violence,” Lin whispered. “But you are one of the few people I know who is capable of great restraint… I was so scared at Charlie’s, Tin Man. I was afraid you were gone forever.” She stopped massaging him to lean in and rest her head on his shoulder, draping her arms languidly over him, surrounding him. “I’ve been so happy… and at that moment, when you started speaking in that voice, I got so angry. You’re mine. You’ve always been mine, and someone had snatched you from me.” She leaned against his ten o’clock shadow and said, “You. Not this body you’re in, but you… They can take every piece of you, every tendon, every mark, every scar, but they can’t touch you.” She pressed against him. “Are you still here?”
Estin closed his eyes. “Please don’t make me leave.”
He could feel Lin’s jaw clench as she pressed her face harder against his. “I won’t make you go.” So there was a chance. Already, his mind raced to the future. To Doctor Marshal removing the failsafe. To Lybinus being confronted. To an investigation opening up. To Lin still wanting him. Lin still loving him. Despite everything she had said. Despite everything… she still had to love him.
Tears rolled down his cheeks. Lin used her left hand to wipe his face and she pulled away slightly so that she could kiss him on the cheek. “I’ll… We will figure this out. I can’t give up on you that easy. Not when you’re so much more. You’re not just important to me… There’s a future in creating the perfect people to help us into the next age. I just lost sight of that for just a moment.”
“That moment felt like Eternity,” Estin remarked quietly.
Lin hugged his neck, just hanging on his warm shoulders where she fit so perfectly. “You’re still here. You’ll stay here. I’m sorry I made you worry… You know how I am.”
Estin grab her arms and held her back. “I do… but you still surprise me.”
Lin kissed his cheek again. “You are alive. Believe me.”
“Every word… Always.” She was hot and cold. She had problems. She was cunning. She was soothing and jagged sharp. She was apathetic. She was cool. She was powerful. She was vulnerable. She was his storm.
She is perfect.
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