"Life is short and we have never too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are travelling the dark journey with us. Oh be swift to love, make haste to be kind." -- Henri Frederic Amiel
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"You're joking." Elliott felt lightheaded and woozy just thinking of the possibility of mother's return. They'd been gone for a year and she was back. The break was not long enough, especially not for Mat.
"Why would I ever joke about that?" Adrian sounded angry, which good reasoning. Mother was back. Mother was back.
"Where is she? At home? Where is Mat?" Elliott's mind was whirling at one hundred miles per hour, and he could barely breathe. All he could think of was little Mat, and his safety. Elliott was failing at being a good brother, like always.
"No, she talked to Anna. Demanded to see us, but Anna declined. She's going to court with it as well, saying we ran from home and we aren't orphans. Do you know what that could mean?"
Elliott did. And it frightened him, the thought of seeing his mother again and living with her. The thought of the stinging pain that came with the whips. The torture, the tears, and most importantly, the scars. Elliott shuddered with the memory of crying out in pain, no one around but mother to hear him.
"We won't go back, I promise." Elliott said, but he couldn't really promise this. He was eighteen, so legally he could adopt his own brothers, but he didn't even know where to start. And, he couldn't get involved with the Government. No one could ever learn their past, and their secrets.
"Elliott, you don't have to do this alone. I'm sixteen, I can help. Really." It was sweet of Adrian to offer this up, but Elliott knew he couldn't involve Adrian. Adrian could still have a future. Adrian could still recover from this mess they called life. Especially Mat. It was Elliott that had been permanently damaged. It was Elliott that couldn't look back.
"No. I'm doing this alone - I have to. I don't have a choice."
"Elliott, you always have a choice. We're in the same boat, remember? We're all the same-"
"Don't. Don't talk about it."
"I'm sick of pretending! I'm sick of hiding and being someone I'm not because of our past. Because of mother! I'm done with this, and so is Mat. Mat can still be fixed and grow up normal. Mat can be the person he's always wanted to be. You're stopping that!"
"No, I'm protecting you. Mother can't ever find out. Mother would know. Mother already probably knows you're thinking of it!" Elliott was distraught with fear. He couldn't let mother know.
Adrian understood Elliott had always had it the worse - he'd been beaten worse than the others. But, it was time to stop pretending. Elliott just had to see this and accept it. Changing would be hard, but it had to be done. For Mat, at least. Anna would love them the same no matter what.
The conversation was over as Elliott stormed back to the house. He couldn't imagine not pretending. Not hiding. Not being someone he wasn't. Elliott couldn't even fathom the thought of being the person he'd always wanted to be, but it was too late. No one would ever accept him. No one would ever look at him the same. His secret was too dark, too morbid, too dangerous to let go. He couldn't stand the thought of people bullying Mat and Adrian because of their past. He couldn't dare begin to imagine a different life, not until he knew mother was finally gone.
The house was empty and quiet when Elliott and Adrian returned. This put Elliott on edge - where was Mat and Anna? The fear crept up his throat and for a moment, he pictured being too late to save his brother and new foster mother. He pictured his mother holding Mat with a wicked smile on her face.
Adrian felt the same fear. He'd always felt fear, especially for Elliott, but this was different. This was a sort of crippling fear, because he could only picture the worst for Mat and Anna. Little Mat, with a whole world ahead of him, and sweet Anna who'd first wanted just Mat but took in all three brothers when she found out they were a package deal. He couldn't imagine what he would do if mother had hurt them in any way.
Elliott was right: mother would alway be haunting and terrorizing them, no matter how far they traveled.
"Anna? Mat?" Elliott called, leaving Adrian standing in the foyer. Adrian should have reacted and done something, like call the police, but he was paralyzed with fear. All he could picture was Elliott strapped to the bed being whipped by mother. Adrian could hear his screams echo in his head, yelling for mother to have mercy. Telling her that he'd never ever forget to pretend. That he wouldn't even be pretending anymore but rather would accept who mother wanted him to be. He would become what she wanted with no second thoughts.
No more pretending.
Adrian could remember his mother slapping him across the face. Not as harsh as Elliott always got, but Adrian received a fair share of abuse. So did Mat, but his was less. Mat had no scars on his perfect body, but was rather mentally abused. Emotionally abuse. But, rarely ever physically.
Elliott raced back down the stairs, his phone tucked between his ear and shoulder blade as he talked to Anna on the other line, finally calm enough to breathe. Anna and Mat were fine - they were simply shopping.
"They're alright?" Adrian asked once Elliott got off the phone, and the simple nod made the two of them sigh in relief. They were worrying for nothing.
But, it wasn't for nothing. Elliott was always aware of his mother, and what could happen if she caught wind of their location. Now that she had, Elliott could only image what was going to happen to them. He was worried and nervous, so much that he felt sick to his stomach. He thought they were safe. He'd worked so hard to make sure they were safe.
"It isn't your fault," Adrian tried to soothe Elliott, but too much had happened this afternoon, and Elliott was too tired to deal with this. Too emotionally drained to deal with anything more, so he went back upstairs and slammed his door shut, trying not to hyperventilate. Mat and Anna were safe. They were safe.
Elliott could feel his breath come out in pants, but he couldn't quiet himself. Mother was around the corner, calling for him. She had something in her hand, banging it against the wall. It was never like this when father was home. She never was like this before.
"Elliott, darling. Come out. Mother has a surprise." Elliott didn't believe her, squeezing himself into a ball in his closet. It was only a matter of time until she found him and unleashed whatever punishment she found fit.
He prayed Adrian was safe. He was only a little child, not old enough to protect himself. Neither was Elliott, but he was at least eight years old. He was old enough to know that he needed to hide himself from the woman he used to love.
"Elliott, don't make me hurt you. I'm simply asking you to come out. Come out!"
Elliott didn't want to play her games. It made him feel weird and strange, and it made him wish his father were still home. It made him dream of a time when it was alright to be himself.
His bedroom door banged open, and Elliott knew it was over. He knew it was all over and there was nothing he could do to protect himself. He could barely breathe, barely think straight because all he could picture was his mother's nails biting into his neck and pushing him against the wall.
His closet door slid open slowly, and there stood mother. She was wearing her usual outfit - a dress with her favorite white apron tied around her waist. In her hand she held a rolling pin, and Elliott could have guess she was cooking but he knew better. He knew better than to think his mother had baked him something.
"Elliott, darling, there you are. Come out of there, please. I have a surprise for you."
He shook his head, but mother wasn't having any of that. She grabbed his arm and yanked him up and out of the closet. The force had dislocated his arm, and Elliott cried out in agony. He'd never felt pain like he was in this very moment as he clutched his arm to his body, wondering what was wrong with it. Why did it hurt so bad?
Mother slapped him across the face. "You're being a baby, and you're also being too loud. You're going to wake up Adrian, and we wouldn't want to invite him to the party, now would we?" That made Elliott stop crying almost immediately, despite the pain he felt. He didn't want Adrian to get hurt.
Mother dragged him down the hallway, a wicked smile upon her face. She had big plans for him, that was sure. She couldn't wait to see him with his new haircut, and with the new vitamins, she was hoping and praying he'd grow up big and strong. Like a football player.
Mother sat him down in the kitchen, tying him up to the chair. Elliott watched with wide eyes as she grabbed the scissors and the razor. He tried to count back from one hundred to calm his nerves, but he couldn't seem to stop shaking.
He knew mother loved doing this. She'd let him grow his hair out to his shoulder before she'd cut it all off again, and again. She knew it frightened him, and that was why she did it. She was sadistic, putting him through all that pain. The pain of being made fun of at school for being the only boy with shoulder length hair, besides Adrian. The pain of being constantly afraid of mother cutting his scalp or his ears - which she did, sometimes. Just to put him through pain.
He was convinced she hated him. And he knew there was no escaping her, no escaping this hell. He was forever going to be stuck in it, tied to the chair. Even when mother was gone, she would never truly be gone.
The wiizz of the razor made his heart leap as she shaved off his hair. He watched it fall to the ground, gathering in heaps on the floor. Every so often, she'd nick his ears, making the tears well up but he knew not to cry. He didn't want to include Adrian.
"There, my darling. You're perfect. The perfect little son. My perfect little son. Now those women on the end of the street will stop looking down at me because you're better than their children. You're perfect - like an angel.
"But angels are girly. And you said being girly is a bad thing." He whimpered, remembering the lashes he got after asking his mother if he could buy a pink shirt. A harmless pink polo that was in the boy's section, but mother didn't like that.
"You're right. Being girly is the worst thing you could ever be. If I catch you even thinking about girly things, I will take you to a special doctor to remove your brain and replace it with a more suitable brain. Now, it's time for juice."
Elliott woke with a start, his heart racing and his panic rising. Mother wasn't here, but he could almost feel her watching him, judging him, sensing that he was thinking things she would have detested. There was no escaping mother.
"Ellie, are you okay?" Mat whimpered from beside him, his wide eyes so innocent and worried over his older brother. Mat knew Elliott had it bad - worst than everyone. And Mat wanted to do everything in his power to cheer up Elliott and make him whole again.
"Don't call me that. You can never call me that. You know how mother felt about that name."
Mat remembered, all right. He remembered calling his older brother by that nickname, and instead of receiving punishment, Elliott would. Twenty lashings for every time Mat called him Ellie.
"Sorry. It's just that you were screaming in your sleep. Mom is worried."
Mom. That word again. Elliott could feel a headache coming on, and he wanted to go back to sleep. That, however, was impossible - there was no more sleeping now that Elliott knew more nightmares awaited him. He'd been having nightmares since the night he left his mother behind. The nightmares haunted him and wouldn't dare release him from their hold.
"Tell Anna I'm fine. Just more nightmares, nothing I can't handle." Which was a lie. Elliott hated going through this alone, and while his brothers were there, Elliott couldn't stand letting them know he wasn't in control. He couldn't stand worrying them. Confiding in someone was against all the rules Elliott had set up. There would be no trusting anyone ever. Adrian and Mat were the only exceptions to that rule.
"She doesn't believe me. She thinks you don't like her." A blow to the gut, but Elliott had to ignore it. To be honest, it was terrifying having another mom, even if she was so much different from mother. They were polar opposites, but Elliott couldn't imagine trusting her and calling her mom. Elliott couldn't even begin to want love from Anna. He was too broken to accept any form of love.
Besides, having another woman in his life didn't help. His fear of women was something he'd gotten after the first few beatings from mother. He couldn't look most girls in the eye, couldn't stop himself from trembling in their presence.
Save for Natasha.
There was something about Natasha that made Elliott think there was such a thing as a friend. And while he felt nothing romantic for her, Elliott longed to talk to Natasha, to let everything go. It was a dangerous wish.
"Tell Anna I like her plenty. I'm just not ready to talk about it. About any of this. I'm not ready to move on. Mat, you can't tell her, okay? You can't tell her anything."
Mat nodded, but he didn't believe in what Elliott was saying. He felt that their new mom could help them. He thought that their new mom could fix them.
But, Mat never went against Elliott. He knew better than to ruin their relationship over a woman that was practically a stranger compared to the brother's relationships.
"I'll never, ever break the secret. I promise." But promises don't always mean forever. And if Elliott knew anything, he knew trusting anyone was futile. Especially with a secret this big.448Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv88oO0KNUr
